fuck the refs cuz the refs fucked me

i almost never write about baseball unless it's to trash it cuz i pretty much think baseball sucks utterly and completely. that being said, something happened the other night in a baseball game that got me thinking. it was during a new york yankees / cleveland indians game. a member of the yankees, dewanye wise was chasing a ball somewhere in the outfield. as he was chasing it, it began to descend and fall somewhere around the first few rows of fans. wise made a jump for it and tried his best to make the play.

he didn't catch the ball but the umpire thought he did. the ump called it an out and the game went on. the yankees went on to win that game. the umpire fucked up, and one replay was all it took to convince anybody. wise knew it, the fans knew it, everyone except the ump (who wouldn't take much convincing  that he was wrong) knew it.

sports media smelled blood in the water and for the next 24 hours, the umpire was torn to shreds. within this shark feeding was some convo about wise and sportsmanship. should wise have confessed that the ump fucked up? should wise, a professional athlete in the spotlight do the "right" thing, even though it would be detrimental to his team?

i get it. good sportsmanship and blah blah blah. but wise couldn't come clean. even if he wanted to, he'd have hell to pay from teammates, fans, and an unrelenting, uncaring, ny sports media. wise did the right thing as he knew it to be. he's paid to help his team win as many games as possible. boom. that's it, simple as that. letting the umpire fuck up the call is helping his team and being a good teammate.

but even if he did come clean and let the ump know, i'd say fuck that. how many times in all of sports do referees and umpires get the call wrong? i've seen bad calls that have changed games and beat teams. imagine being an athlete who competes all the time, from childhood to adulthood. i can't imagine there isn't a professional athlete who doesn't have at least a handful of stories about referees who fucked up games for them. 

there must be an almost countless amount of occurrences where refs fucked up and there were no apologies given and no win-loss records reconsidered. permanent damage has been done and it will continue to get done. and this is not me trying to bash refs in general. what they do is tough work. it's also an imperfect craft that will leave behind a trail of mistakes and fuck ups. those mistakes affect other people. 

what athlete wouldn't want revenge against the people who have fucked them over in the past? dewayne wise helped the yankees win. but he also helped even the scorecard in a contest that's never ending. it's their us vs. them... players vs. the refs. wise scored one for the good guys that night. he saw his opportunity to steal one from the refs and took it.

i tip my hat to you dewayne wise. 

achy monday

today was a rough one. there's nothing particular about today that made it a bad day... there's no circumstance or invisible enemy i can blame it on. this is mostly my doing. today, much like most mondays, i woke up heavily under slept. i had a few drinks last night which helped add to the rough start that was the foundation for the rest of the day.

when the alarm goes off on monday, a part of me wants to cry. when i first step foot into the office, there's a part of me that wants to cry. i don't hate waking up and i don't hate my job. but there's probably nothing that i would look forward to. all i want is more sleep. i know without a good night's sleep, i'm not properly fortified to fight off the usual obstacle course that is any day in the life of being a person.

i have a tendency to think too much and be way harsh on myself. i hate those tendencies... but some days i'm in a pretty good place and i'm able to fight them off and have good days. but not mondays. mondays usually work against me. my mondays consist of me fighting to see the other end of the day while barely treading a pool of self loathing and low self opinion.

if you were my enemy, and you really wanted to fuck me over, attack me on mondays. just tell me i'm ugly and stupid. i'll buy it. it'll ruin me. i'll magnify the bad on mondays so that anything that could possibly be good about the day is impossible to see. it better be big enough to make it till tuesday.

by the time i'm done with work, all i can think about is being home.... alone and isolated. i just don't wanna mix with the world anymore. i'd make horrible company at the moment. i don't wanna talk or make nice or paste on a plastic smile. i hardly wanna write this. but i'm hoping this helps me feel better about things. if this doesn't do the trick, i did order some fried chicken from chicken delight. that might help.

tuesdays are usually a lot better. i usually feel refreshed and ready to fight again. here's to tomorrow, the tuesday that will inevitably wash monday away like it always does.

i don't really hate lebron james

he's just fun to root against. he's like a bad guy in pro wrestling. he says a bunch of things that make you want to boo him out loud. he almost forces his opponents into the role of the good guy, the one you have to root for cuz that's the direction your internal compass naturally points you in.

he started off well enough. he was the hometown hero in the underdog city of cleveland. it almost seemed meant to be that he would win a championship there and everyone would live happily ever after. and then things took a dramatic turn in a different direction. much like when the good guy in pro wrestling decides he's had enough and turns bad, lebron james did it in a huge way. he did it on a national stage in an hour long televised special on espn. he captivated a whole country and did what bad guys do, took the easy way out. he left town to go play with other superstars. he didn't care what the fans thought about it. lebron was gonna do what lebron wanted to do, and that was win championships whether people chose to love him or hate him.

so i find it almost impossible to root for him or the miami heat now. they won a championship. lebron got his ring, and it's reignited my passion for rooting against him. i'm not taking anything away from lebron james. in my humble opinion, he is the most talented, most dominant dude in all the nba right now... and the way things are looking, he may hold that position for a few more years. but he still can't ever erase the fact that he had to leave a team to do it. as good as he is, he wasn't good enough to get it done in cleveland. he didn't cheat, but he took a shortcut.

and that's the thing, lebron's not a cheater. he's not even really a bad dude. he just plays one on tv. if you look around the world of professional sports, it won't take you very long to gather a rather extensive list of names of REAL bad guys, people who have committed awful crimes off the field. there's dog fighters and killers, drugs and violence. there's even pure evil like jerry sandusky.

there's a whole cast of characters who do real bad things and are way more worthy of being hated on in comparison to lebron james. i could never say that i really hate lebron james. but in the world that is basketball theater, he makes a great heel. he's fun to root against. it doesn't make him a bad human being. but if you're gonna watch basketball, you gotta pick a side to root for and a side to root against. lebron's made that decision easy for me.

the oklahoma chapter

(the following is an extremely condensed version of an approximately 3 year span of my life.... ages 7-10.)

i was only a child. we traveled half way cross country from the comfort of new jersey living to chase down my father's ambitions of starting anew. he was retired military, the army... but wanted back in. civilian lifestyle wasn't fulfilling enough and just like that, the whole family rejoined the military with him.

our dad would meet us out there. me, my brother phil, and my mom hopped into a car and never looked back. we stayed at motels and ate at waffle houses. a few days later we were in a strange place far away from anything we had ever known. and now we'd call it home.

we adapted to life in the town of lawton, oklahoma. me and phil rode bikes and watched pro wrestling with our buddies. we became cub scouts and our parents were cub scout troop leaders. we held meetings at our house. we had a cat named gizmo that we tortured but loved at the same time as only kids could.

soon we'd be on the move again, but not too far. we were moving from off base to an on base household. home was now called fort sill, oklahoma, where we were surrounded by other military families. every month they gave out an award for best front lawn and there were parks scattered throughout the neighborhood. the army tested heavy artillery in fort sill and from time to time the ground beneath us would shake from explosions. they played bugle songs on loud speakers to tell us when it was 5am, 6am, 10pm, and 11pm. if you woke up early enough, you'd catch gangs of g.i.'s running through the streets in formation.

nintendo hit the streets. me and phil were hooked like crackheads. we'd get together with friends and play super mario brothers till we had it beat. and after that we'd play it till we knew of every warp zone and shortcut. sometimes our mom would join us and pick up a controller and play. she'd do that in cracks of her own busy schedule. she was on her way to getting a bachelor's degree in accounting.

in school, there were days we were encouraged to dress up like cowboys. i collected gi joe's. we threw rocks at kids and kids threw rocks at us. that was sorta the thing to do in fort sill. one day a girl threw rocks at phil. phil told her to stop or else he'd call the cops. she threw another rock. phil stormed inside and called the cops. the cops came and scooped us up and brought us in when they realized we were home unsupervised. mom and dad had to pick us up. mom and dad had to attend parenting counseling sessions.

we got a second cat, tiffany. but tiffany didn't stay long. we let our cats come and go as they pleased. one day tiffany left the house and never came back. we were a one cat household once more.

and then things got weird. mom and dad started fighting. and then i started having stomach aches. and then i never wanted to go to school. and if i went to school, i wanted to go home sick. and then my best friend mike wasn't my best friend anymore. and then mike challenged me to my first and really only fight in my whole life (no winner. we were surrounded by other kids. mike punched me in the ear and then phil ran in and jumped on his back. we were fighting on some dude's lawn. he came out and told us to beat it. fight over, the group of kids scattered in different directions).

and then we got the news. dad was being transferred to a new location. he was given orders to go to south korea. he would leave december 27th and for some reason, we weren't going with him. two days before, on christmas, our dad told us he had work. he put on him army fatigues and left the house. he couldn't spend christmas with us. he would later come clean and tell us that he spent that day with the woman who he would later marry.

our dad left us on the 27th. he woke us up early and we shared a tearful goodbye. later that day, my mom was left behind to tell us the bad news. she was the one who had to tell us how it was gonna be for the rest of our lives together. dad had left and he wasn't coming back and we weren't going to korea. mom and dad were getting a divorce and we were going back to jersey.

on our road trip back, we stopped at a friend of my mom's house in north carolina. we opened gizmo's cage. gizmo ran out into a field and never came back. we pressed on towards jersey without gizmo. we pressed on towards jersey without a dad. we pressed on towards jersey leaving behind the last time i felt like a carefree kid.

facebook on the bowl

i think everyone needs to know that i check my facebook while i'm on the bowl.... y'know... that bowl. as soon as facebook went mobile, long gone were the days of bringing books and magazines with me for my bathroom trips. no longer would i bring a pen and paper just in case i was so inspired to write something that couldn't wait. i no longer sit and ponder life's mysteries or plan out the remainder of my day. i check facebook.

so next time you post something on facebook, think of me! think of me on the bowl reading your status. is this something someone on the bowl would enjoy reading? it's a real bummer to read about depressing stuff while on the bowl. there's no way to come up with a proper response. i can't leave comments full of hope like, 'hope everything turns out better,' or 'keep your head up,' etc, etc...cuz that comment will be forever immortalized to me as a comment written from the bowl.

and when you post pics of your children, remember, i'm on the bowl. i'm sure they're adorable and just need to be shared with the facebook world. but i'm in an inconvenient position in the sense that nothing is adorable to me right now... not your baby, not puppies, or kittens, or baby ducks.

in a perfect world, facebook would be full of jokes and mirth and nothing serious. i know i can't eliminate all the seriousness in social networking and that's not my plan. i just think it's fair that you know that while you're all full of some sorta serious inspiration, it's being received on the other end by a dude on the bowl. i just don't have the mental capacity to do serious at the moment.

nice guys finish last?

there's a lot of days where i find it's hard enough to just be a nice dude. and then i slip and then i do or say something that makes me an asshole. and i hate that. and then i self loathe. and self loathing sucks. i can't get comfortable anymore. i won't ever feel comfortable with myself in a state of self loathing.

so here i am faced with this conundrum. no one can be a nice dude all the time, right? we all slip. nobody's perfect. but anytime i slip on the nice guy routine, i beat the fuck out of myself for it. granted, i think i'm guilty of some kinda horrid, douchy actions.

i wanna wipe the slate clean all the time and just start again. wake up in the morning and think that today will be the day where i'll just be a nice dude all day long. and i tell myself that will happen. and when that does happen, it'll make day two of being a nice dude even easier. soon i'll be in a rhythm and knocking out a string of days at a time.

but every time i fuck up, the rhythm stops. the music dies. i'm stuck in a rut. i feel a deep seeded sensation of disgust flowing through my very being.

i've never wanted to be anything but a nice dude... even if it's true that they finish last. cuz i don't care if they finish last in races that other people created. in my own race, if i can just make it through this day being a nice dude, i win. if i can look back at a day full of me just being a nice dude, i feel a sense of contentment. that's my zen.

rodney king

usually the first thought that comes to mind when i think of rodney king is the scene in the move 'airheads' when they get the crowd outside of the radio station to chant, "RODNEY KING! RODNEY KING! RODNEY KING!" it's a cheesy movie and probably a cheesy moment... but for just a second there was a serious undertone. wanna piss off the police? chant the name of the most famous victim of a police beat down, in los angeles no less.

rodney king's beat down was caught on video for all the world to see. rodney went viral way before youtube. one glimpse of the video and it was pretty hard to deny (if you're a person of conscience) that rodney king was a victim that night and the villains were played by the boys in blue who took turns thrusting their nightsticks into rodney king as he laid on the ground defenseless to the assault.

how the cops got off in the trial is beyond me. of course it sparked a riot. what did the jury see or know that the rest of us weren't already aware of? exhibit a was huge and hard to ignore. exhibit b? do we really need an exhibit b?

so that was that. justice sometimes don't seem so just and that will always be there on record... an ugly spot in history.

fast forward years later and i was home alone one night watching celebrity rehab reruns. i had thoughts of quitting drinking myself at the time... so i had some odd form of catharsis sitting home alone and watching famous people battle their demons.

rodney king was in the house with a bunch of celebrities. everyone else was famous for acting or music. rodney king was just a real dude up in the mix with the rest of them. rodney king wanted to quit drinking and throughout the few episodes i sat through, i connected more with rodney king than any other person in the house. he wasn't living some superstar lifestyle. he was just a dude who wanted to get on with living and felt like if he could quit drinking, that would improve his well being. i get that.

i don't know how that worked out. i never saw the season finale. i don't know if rodney quits or falters later in life. all i know is i woke up yesterday and found out he was dead. it was just an odd thing to read cuz he was only 47. and i had this odd connection with him. he's a symbol to me. he's a symbol that sometimes you can't trust the man and that those who are in positions of authority are prone at times to abuse it. and then, when you think you got the case locked down, the whole thing blows up in your face. the bad guys win and a city goes on fire. it's not a happy story. but it is a real story and a reminder that shit's never going to be perfect. but that's no excuse to ever stop trying in life.

not an obligatory father's day blog post

i so don't want to write about father's day today. it's too easy, too cliche. children from divorced couples can always play the role of the contrarian. for every awesome father out there, i'm sure there's a father who's not so awesome. and that sucks but that's life. and i could write about how awesome my mom is. but if you read my blog or know me personally, you already know how awesome my mom is.

and as the years roll on with this blog, i can't keep writing about christmas on christmas and the superbowl on superbowl sunday. i might as well begin copying and pasting old blogs instead. why touch on subjects that i've already touched on previously?

so this won't exactly be about father's day. but it is for the people (like myself) who grew up in a single parent environment.

whether or not your father was around, you have to keep living. in the end, we're all responsible for our own lives and our own well being. and if your life is awesome, you should recognize how much effort you put into yourself to make that happen. and if your life sucks and you're looking for someone to blame, chances are you're your own worst enemy.

if your dad wasn't around while growing up, i feel bad for you, but only to a certain degree. i don't believe it's a built in excuse to constantly cry about how much life dumped on you. if this is something that happened to you, and you let it affect you to the point that it affects your overall quality of life, you need to get over it. you need to toughen up.

some dads don't stick around. and they suck for that. but learn from them. if you can't stand them for not sticking around, then make sure you're the type to stick around. if your dad gave up on you, don't give up on yourself. you can't make your dad be the person you wish he was. but you can always make sure you're the person you want to be.

some people are forced to live with less. growing up with one parent is supposed to be harder. but it's also more rewarding in the end.

so please, if you had a parent walk away on you, but the other one chose to stick around, appreciate it. appreciate the parent that stuck around. appreciate that each member of the tribe had to pick up a little bit more of the weight. appreciate that you made it, that you're alive. and don't ever let it be your excuse for a lesser life. just because someone else walks out on you is no excuse to walk out on yourself.

an unexpected day off

when i went to sleep last night, i had it in my head that i would wake up and run. i had been drinking a fair amount at a friend's barbecue before i went to sleep and i didn't know the severity of my condition until the next morning.

i woke up with thoughts of running. i also woke up with the worst hangover i've had in years. my head was pounding and there was no advil left in my apartment. the closest available relief would be at the cvs three blocks away. i wouldn't get to that for some time. i was also sweating. i stood up and became dizzy. everything hurt. everything sucked. i had to feed my cats and what was usually an easy chore became an unbearable burden.

while feeding my cats, it hit me. there was no way i was gonna run today. i didn't even feel the energy to leave my house to walk three blocks to get to the cvs to purchase the advil i knew i needed if i had any hope of this day getting any better. it was at that moment that i made a deal with myself. i don't take many days off from running. i've been on a roll lately and running hard. i convinced myself it wouldn't be a big deal in my running regimen if i took today off. so i did.

and then i took a shower... which was sorta awesome. that only lasted a few minutes though. as soon as i was showered and dressed, i made my way to cvs. and as soon as i stepped out my door, all i felt was the immense heat of a summer day. i felt groggy and repulsive. i felt like i had no business mixing with the rest of the world. i also felt grateful that i had decided not to run in this relentless heat.

i got the advil and on the way back home stopped at dunkin donuts to get a bagel, some hash browns, and a large coffee. when i got home, the coffee was the only thing i could stomach. i ate one hash brown and my stomach immediately sent signals to my brain that any further attempts at eating would end badly. i took a few more sips of my coffee and then put a blanket over my head and hoped that the three advil i had just taken would act quickly.

advil liquigels have a strange effect on me. i'm not sure if it happens to everybody. but they make me drowsy and almost always inspire naps. it didn't take much for me to fall into nap mode. i was at ease. the idea of running, or any other sort of responsibility, wasn't staring me down. i still felt like shit, but at least i knew that if all else failed, i could toss the whole day away and it wouldn't make much of a difference... and who knows, maybe it'd even act as a recharging of sorts.

so i napped for a couple of hours. as soon as i woke up, i was starving. the bagel and hash browns that i almost couldn't stand to look at a couple hours earlier were devoured in a few minutes. i was starting to feel refreshed. the headache was gone. my friend kevin texted me about going to see some bands. i suddenly felt okay about today.

i just got home from that show. we saw a bunch of bands and it was a benefit show... i didn't know about the benefit part till i got there. and something about that just made me feel good. it put a real positive vibe on everything. live music for a good cause, hanging with friends, ate some grub, drank some beers. everything turned out okay.

i really thought today was gonna suck. when i first accepted the idea that i wasn't gonna run today, i figured today would be a waste. i'd lay around my house battling a hangover, ignoring the world outside, numbing my mind with hours of pointless television. but that didn't happen. i'd usually beat myself up about a day i choose not to run. but today was different.

i am to blame for my hangover. i could've taken it easier last night. but in an odd way, it all worked out for me. i needed a day to say, "fuck it, no running. i'm just gonna try to relax and have fun." and once my hangover was gone, that's exactly what i did. minus the hangover that began my day, today has been completely awesome from top to bottom. i feel refreshed and ready. tomorrow, i run.

i see zombies everywhere

smart phones. social networks. ipods. acronyms. slacktivism. memes. do you have a facebook? i want to eat your face. i want to consume you but only as a profile, as a collection of data and posts. get to know you? i know you because i know your profile. human interaction? no thanks. can't hold the door open. don't have the time or the free arm. i have one hand in my pocket waiting for my cell phone to vibrate while my other hand is grasped firmly around a red bull. i'm exhausted. keep going. keep consuming. i'll sleep when i'm dead. sleep. sleep. sleep. people need to sleep. but i'm people. i don't sleep. what am i? a fantasy sports team general manager. a farmer. a retweeter looking for a retweet. i comment on youtube. didn't you see me? i'm there. i'm on the internet. it's proof i'm real. phone calls? i can't. i don't want to talk to people that intimately. the only time i like the phone is when i'm calling customer service and i know i'm talking to someone who gets paid to be yelled at. and then i talk. and then i yell. and then i scream. and then i'm alive. i hate the automated systems these customer service lines implement. i don't want to talk to a machine. i want to talk to a person who plays the role of a machine. i order my pizza online and track it on facebook for all of you to see. meat lover, yes i am. there's the proof, the 'i am.' that's me. didn't you see my check in? i'm the mayor. sure, sure, i bet you love to go there all the time, but no one loves that place more than me. it says so online. and they said love couldn't be quantified or measured. i love my girlfriend. i changed my status so you would know. cuz sometimes saying 'i love you' to her face just doesn't cut it for me. i need the validation of a machine, of a network, of something that has no soul. what am i? a soul in a body? a profile page? i get so many hits on my website. my tumblr's all the rage. i invented a new acronym. people i'll never meet will use it and never thank me for it. i won't die. we don't die. we live on. we're here, forever. proof. the imminent death of the sun can't undo my wireless internet presence. so please, don't bother me. i'm watching reality tv. it comforts me. it's proof that reality is real. if reality wasn't real, it wouldn't be on my tv... duh. i wouldn't be able to dvr it and watch it later... duh. we wouldn't be talking about it the next day in my internet fan club that i administrate... duh. god isn't dead, he's a clever twitter account that cracks fart jokes. he gave me a 'follow friday' shout out. who needs hugs? or attention spans? just give me the drugs, the pills. a pill for every ill. plugged in and medicated. stuck to a charger, i can't stray for not much more than a few hours. i bring my cell phone with me when i shower. i'm not blind. i see the horror and the violence. i also see youtube videos of puppies and infants and baby ducklings.... double rainbow... what does it mean? don't ask me. don't even try it. i have headphones on, that means do not disturb. no time for strangers or any strange words. if you really liked me, you'd repost my stuff. emotional needs? reposts are enough.

hope

most days when i think about writing or speaking or connecting with people or just straight out living.... i think about how i can convey hope to others, to the world, the people around me, my immediate environment. sounds corny, i know... but i'm a big believer in hope.

we gotta hope for something. hope is about things getting better. hope is about not accepting things as they are, but keeping a positive outlook that there are ways to make things better. what things? all things. this is a very general, non specific thing i'm talking about here.

i figure if i add hope to the world, then others will catch hope off of that.... kinda like a cold. i want a hope epidemic. i want everyone to catch hope so bad that there's no amount of pessimism or negativity that can kill it off or save you from it.

i think all good things start at hope. and when hope fades and goes away and dies, that's when shit gets really bad. i'm scared of hopeless people. i can't imagine that outlook on existence. but i even have hope for the hopeless.

if hope is infectious, i wanna wake up every day overflowing with hope... filled with enough to cram down everyone's throat. that shit might go down like bitter medicine at first... hope probably has an awful taste for those who haven't acquired a liking for it yet. but hang on and let it flow through your system, you're gonna catch that shit if you let it.

hope is a sickness. hope is a medicine. hope is all i got to offer sometimes... i just hope that's enough.

this thing on my neck

i have this thing on my neck. i'm pretty sure it's either a pimple or a bug bite. the first time i saw it was on saturday... but i didn't think much of it. it looked like a routine pimple, right outside the area where my beard ends. i figured like any pimple, just give it a few days and it'll go away.

but it got bigger. not scary bigger, but it didn't go down. so yesterday (sunday), when i looked in the mirror, it was way more noticeable. noticeable enough to get an audible, "holy shit," out of me. i looked at it, still figured it's a pimple that will just go away and better to not mess with it. i know what happens when you mess with a pimple. shit gets way worse before it gets better and it stays around way longer.

i had almost forgotten about it till last night when i was out and about and a friend said to me, "i'm having a hard time concentrating on what you're saying with that thing on your neck."

and in that moment i became extremely self conscious. and now i can't converse with anyone or concentrate cuz all i can think about is the person i'm talking to thinking about the thing on my neck. at work today, i had 3 or 4 people come up to me and actually say, "what's that thing on your neck?"

it doesn't hurt. i'm pretty sure it's a pimple. and it wouldn't bother me so much if i didn't know it's the first thing people see now when they look at me and it's stealing all the attention away from what is usually the awesomeness of a josh interaction. now i'm just hoping i don't have anything profound or wise to say over the next few days... i wouldn't want it to be wasted on ears that can't hear me because it's being drowned out by the exclamation that is..... this thing on my neck.

mortality and mosh pits

this post is inspired by a moment that happened tonight. i went to go see against me! at terminal 5 in nyc (they were opening up for the cult... just to make it clear, i wasn't there to see the cult... to me this was an against me! show, no matter what the ticket stub says.... but anyways...) i was near the front of the stage, standing on the fine line that divides the moshers from the non-moshers.

i'm not opposed to moshing. actually, i enjoy moshing. i can't help myself. i feel the energy of the live music and the fans and of everything that's going on around me and i'm thrown into a frenzy that can only be satisfied by the surroundings of a mosh pit. i'm not violent or angry... i don't intend any harm when i go in and i usually come out unscathed.... moshing's just dancing to me... dancing to music that inspires sudden bolts of energy that can't be contained in a foxtrot.

but i feel my age is catching up with me. i've found myself thinking as i go into shows lately, 'tonight i won't mosh. i'll sit this one out.' most times when i have that thought, i go into the show... sorta restrain myself, but then at some point give in and find myself all up in the mosh pit again. i can't walk away from it.

so while i was standing on this fine line tonight... i found myself in and out of the moshing... never fully committing to it tonight, but never fully backing off either. i looked around me and i was surrounded by baby faces. mosh pits can act as a cruel reminder that there are some things that you'll eventually get too old to enjoy, no matter how much you wish you wouldn't. even if i was in full mosh mode tonight, i'd feel bad about mixing it up with a bunch of kids who all appear to be around ten years younger than me.

when i came to this realization tonight, i committed more to the non-moshing section and settled for fist raising and singing aloud. in between songs at one point, i turned to my friend matt and said, "i love these punk rock kids out here mixing it up."

and then a total stranger turned to me and said, "oh c'mon! you've got to be kidding me!"

i'm not sure how this stranger took what he had overheard me say. my assumption is that he thought i was being sarcastic and trying to express how much i didn't like the kids moshing around and bumping into me. but that isn't so. i do love the punk rock kids mixing it up out there.

moshing is like basketball. you can play it for a bunch of years, but eventually, somewhere in your 30's, you'll get too old to do it. you won't realize it right away. it'll take a few years for the cold truth to hit you, and while those years are passing, you'll notice that moshing is starting to take more of a toll on you. it's harder to  mosh for an entire show or even a string of 3-4 songs. you'll mean well and try to prove your worth... but sooner or later you'll realize that much like basketball, or any sport for that matter, the only way it's gonna survive is with a continuous flow of young blood constantly being introduced into the mix.

i should start feeling older. the mosh pit's not gonna grow with me. the average age in the mosh pit is always gonna be about the same. nobody moshes forever. and before you totally call it quits, you'll reduce your own minutes, spend more time on the bench, and look on and think how much you wanna be out there but just can't do it.

moshing is a young person's game. so while i feel my age getting the better of me and pushing me out of the mosh pit, as a fan of moshing, i have nothing but the utmost appreciation for those in the pit doing their thing and keeping it going.

at some point i will decide to hang up my clothes soaked in other people's sweat and never return to a mosh pit again. but i'll always have love for the game. i'll always observe it from afar and appreciate it. who knows? maybe i can get a job in mosh pit commentary like retired basketball players do.

the nba final four, the 2012 edition

this is my breakdown of the final four teams left in the nba playoffs... figure i write this now before tonight's game when the oklahoma city thunder could possibly close out their series against the san antonio spurs with a win tonight.

i'm rooting for the oklahoma city thunder to go all the way.

on the other side of things, i'm rooting for the boston celtics to beat the miami heat. so i'm rooting for a thunder vs. celtics finals where the thunder win it all.

there is a part of me that would love to see an oklahoma city thunder vs. miami heat finals cuz i would get so much joy out of watching the thunder beat the heat. but i can't in good conscience ever root for the heat to win anything. i just can't. i watch them on tv and i naturally root against them.

here's my breakdown by team:

san antonio spurs

i'll start with the san antonio spurs. the spurs are a great team with a great coach and a great history as of late. there's not much to not like about the spurs. they play the game right. there's no glory hogs or spotlight thieves on this team. everyone is doing their thing to try and get a win. very good, very principled basketball. sometimes coach popovich can be a bit of a jerk... but he's allowed a certain amount of slack because he is a helluva coach.

oklahoma city thunder

their opponent, the oklahoma city thunder, is, in my humble opinion, the most exciting team to watch. they got a lot of talented, young athletes on this team. they play the game fast and fill up highlight reels. but they're more than just a highlight producing machine. this team can play the game on both sides of the court.

kevin durant is my favorite basketball player in the world right now. you can compare him to lebron james and i get it... lebron is a more complete player. lebron does everything. he's even a great defender. but i'll take durant with a 4th quarter clutch gene over lebron any day. (durant also didn't have his "decision" moment... to be discussed in just a sec).

also they picked up derek fisher. fisher was a laker till the middle of this season. he was unceremoniously shipped off to oklahoma city and called too old. in retaliation, fisher changed his jersey number to 37 (his current age) and has added a veteran presence to this young team. that's a dangerous combo and kinda hard to root against.

and they have james harden. he's awesome. fear the beard, need i say more??



plus, if you watch one of their home games in oklahoma city, the crowd's enthusiasm is infectious. it hits me through the television. i want to be there. they call it the loudest arena in the nba. i can't imagine what that place is gonna be like if the thunder pull off a victory tonight at home.

so although the spurs are a good team, i can only get excited enough to write one basic paragraph about them. i can't help but go on and on about what i love about the oklahoma city thunder. i think i've made it clear why i'm rooting for them.

boston celtics

next is the boston celtics. i used to hate the celtics. the celtics are the blueprint for what i hate about the heat currently (although the celtics have a waaaay better coach). the celtics sorta sucked. then they made two major trades in one offseason and everything changed. they pulled kevin garnett out of a minnesota timberwolves squad that was going nowhere. then they grabbed ray allen from a seattle supersonics squad that seemed to be going nowhere (those supersonics moved to oklahoma city and became the thunder though so things aren't so bad for them at the moment). they grouped these two superstars with paul pierce, who was already a member of a celtics team that seemed to be going nowhere. and in one offseason, they went from awful to awesome. it just seemed like cheating to me. you're supposed to build a team and struggle for a few years to get to the top spot. there was no apparent struggle after the ink dried on the trade agreements.

however, fast forward a few years, and these three superstars are suddenly older. they had an awful start the first half of this season. it looked dismal. then things changed after the all star game and they magically got better. all of the sudden the old man celtics were kicking ass and on their way to yet another playoff berth.

but it was unlike playoff berths of the previous few years. no one knew how long they'd last. no one thought they'd meet the miami heat in the eastern finals and give them a good run for their money.

it's easier for me to loosen up and root for the celtics now cuz it's like i'm rooting for old men that people gave up on in february. once the old men found out everyone had given up on them, they kicked it into high gear and made a statement, "we're not too old. we are something to fear."

miami heat

and then there's the miami heat. i can't stand the miami heat. when lebron james and chris bosh went to join dwayne wade two seasons ago, all i could think of was how unfair this was for everybody else. it's like they took spiderman, batman, and a lesser known member of the x-men (let's say... colossus), and got them all together to defend the same city. and now there's two other cities that are without a hero. not cool. stop hogging all the heroes miami.

lebron james didn't help matters with his "decision" moment. he took an hour of espn tv time to tell the world he was taking his talents to south beach. but he gave money to charity so we're supposed to be okay with that. he still could've made the move and gave money to charity without having to captivate the world with a television show. i kinda found the whole thing classless... and not like, dancing in the end zone classless... i'm talking about a whole city (cleveland) watching with bated breath hoping their hero was using this national stage to come through and let the world know that lebron james will always and forever be cleveland's hero.

instead we got a miami pep rally days later where he talked about winning a possible eight championships now that him and his buddies decided to create an all star team.

two years later and things are not going quite as planned. they lost to the dallas mavericks in the finals last year... close... but not quite. this year, will they even make the finals? all of the sudden boston looks.... how can i put this... like a better team. and the heat were semi exposed before this in a tough battle against the indiana pacers, a team they were supposed to steam roll.

that's not all. here's a few other factors that make the miami heat suck.

their home crowd is awful. don't believe me? watch tonight's game in okc. watch tomorrow's game in boston. then watch any playoff game in miami. my point will be proven.

pat riley. he's a bastard. a couple years back pat riley coached this team to a championship. but earlier in that same season, stan van gundy was their coach. he "resigned." how convenient. same season he "resigns," pat riley steps in as head coach and wins a championship. you do the math.

the heat also flop a lot and the refs protect them more than they probably should.

the miami heat are the evil empire of the nba. look no further. when they lost to the celtics last night to go down in the series 3-2, i thought just for a moment that maybe lebron's magic plan to go play ball with his all star buddies has backfired and he won't get a ring as easily as he thought. even if they do move on from this series, it's suddenly harder than it was ever supposed to be. if nothing else, i get complete satisfaction that this won't be easy for the heat and if they don't do it this year, lebron might be all out of shortcuts.

anyways.....

go thunder!!

it's not that i give a fuck....

i sorta don't. mostly don't.

it may seem like i give a fuck what other people think or say about me. and i'm sure it seems like i hate to disagree with other people so i'm willing to hold on to my own opinions and not share them out loud. and this probably looks like someone who's listening and considering the other side of the discussion. but most likely, i'm not.

i just don't like confrontation. i avoid confrontations at almost all costs. i've never really been in a fight in my life. i hate to argue. i think i suck at it which is a really awful thing to think cuz i've been in arguments where i know for damn sure that i'm right and they're wrong and yet because i lack effective arguing skills, me and my correct view on things will end up on the losing side.

i suck at confronting others. i back down from it. so it probably seems like i never stick up for what i believe and i never wanna scream what it is i have to say out loud. and i'm sure a lot of people have walked away from situations with me thinking, 'well, i'm sure that changed his mind.'

but i'm pretty sure it didn't. i leave the situation with my mouth shut. but nothing in my mind has changed. i haven't turned a new leaf. i haven't really considered what you were trying so hard to get through to me.

i don't remember the last time someone told me something and i thought to myself, 'hmm.... good point or good idea or i'll try that.' i just do shit how i wanna do it. always kinda have. i live my own funky, oddball, weird existence and don't do well in the 'taking feedback from others' dept.

in fact, people who feel the need to share what they think about everyone else's life bothers the holy fuck out of me. and the world is filled with these assholes. i'm constantly bogged down by other people's ideas of what's good for me, what i should do, how i should act.... if i gave motherfuckers enough license, they'd dress me in the mornings and write down my words before i can speak them.

i know some people need help and guidance and advice. me personally, i feel alright with myself. i'm happy with where i'm at and with what i'm doing. i'm okay. i don't want advice. and if i ever do, i go out and seek it. i feel overburdened by a world that is ready to tell you what's wrong with you. fuck you and back off! i'm so sick of it, that i just keep it moving... i ignore it. i don't even dignify it with a response anymore.

it's not that i give a fuck. if you thought i did, you've been mistaken.

fm waves of weakness. new york city radio.

i suppose i shouldn't expect much of radio or complain too much about it in these modern times. given how the digital game has changed everything about the music business, one can't put too much expectations into the radio dial anymore. these are different times and radio is slowly showing her age and inability to stay in touch.

but this is new york city radio. and this is new york city, a city beaming with pride. a city that everyone everywhere knows and if not loves or likes, at least acknowledges for its massiveness and importance to the big city game. on practically any street corner in manhattan, you can purchase a t-shirt that says, 'i love new york city.' but try finding a shirt that says, 'i love new york city radio.'

it's sad enough that i grew up in the generation that watched the major nyc rock clubs close down. watching clubs close doors and give way to condos, banks, and franchise food chains was disheartening for any youth that was looking for an outlet that included loud music, sweaty crowds, and the smell of sweet rebellion and beer in the air.

but then we were forced to watch and listen as the airwaves gave way to monotony, predictability, and a dwindling lack of choices. the rock stations that played NEW and CURRENT rock music closed up shop and left us with not much more than classic rock stations that cram led zeppelin into our ears to a point where i actually don't wanna hear led zeppelin anymore.

and hip hop isn't doing much better. there's 2, maybe 3 stations that cater mainly to current hip hop. blindfold the listener and you'd have a hard time telling the stations apart. they mimic each other's five song rotations until every hip hop radio listener in the tri state area is plugged in and brainwashed, reciting lyrics more out of habit than joy. you think you've heard jay-z's, 'empire state of mind,' a lot? it was practically law at one point for that song to always be playing on someone's rotation at all times.

there's no country station. and while i'm not some ardent country music fan, i don't think such a major force in the american music scene should be totally ignored in the city that never sleeps. it's like our radio selection has us thinking country music is fucking odd to hear. but anywhere else i go in the U.S., it's there and it's impossible to ignore.

new york city radio should reflect the city it represents. new york city radio should be a collection of the most varied amount of musical choices. new york city radio should offer something for everyone, no matter what you happen to be into. just because digital music's taken over is no reason to lie down and admit defeat and spend your final days in a state of surrender.

if radio is dying then there's nothing that can be done to change that. but if you're gonna go out, then you should go out like times square... loud, bright, never a dull moment.... a constant smorgasbord of demographics, nationalities, and age groups. your radio should be as loud and diverse as your city, as huge and powerful as your skyscrapers, able to take you anywhere like your subway system, and as awe inspiring as your countless landmarks.

i don't wish you were here

yesterday i was listening to the radio and pink floyd's, 'wish you were here,' came on. i'm a pretty big pink floyd fan. i always get pretty excited when i hear them on the radio... mostly cuz i have no faith in the radio anymore so it's always a nice surprise to here some floyd.

i've always had a high regard for, 'wish you were here.' it's a great song and it's always been pretty sentimental to me. anytime it comes on, i can think of someone out there  in the world that i wish was still around that isn't.... be it an ex-girlfriend, ex-friend, someone who moved far away, or even worse, a friend who's no longer with us.

but yesterday when it came on, i caught a different feeling... a new feeling. one i've never felt while listening to that song. it wasn't hitting me like it used to. and i think i know why... cuz mentally i've changed. i don't sit around missing people anymore. in most cases, if there's someone who doesn't wanna be in my life, then it's by their choice and i should totally be okay with that and just let it be.

'wish you were here,' used to speak up for that part of me that always wanted someone to come back into my life... usually someone who wasn't coming back. but much like the title of the song, i'd wish they could be around anyhow.

but now i know that if someone doesn't wanna put the effort into being a part of my life, then it's best to accept that and move on and not get sappy about it and waste my energy, thoughts, or focus on something that's beyond my control.

i know there's exceptions to this rule. like if someone moves far away for work or whatever... i get it. you can wish that person was still around. but i don't really have that person in my life at the moment. i look around and am completely satisfied with the people i see surrounding me. shit's good. how could i possibly wish for anything more?

"but this band will play on...."

despite anyone's best intentions or efforts, things will never go 100% as planned. life will always be strange. things that you thought you could count on will falter and things you never had faith in will catch you when you unexpectedly stumble.

if i look at the past few months of my life, or 2012 so far, all i know is that nothing has been what i thought it was going to be. if i had any thoughts of what the beginning of june would be like when this year first began, it is almost nothing like i would've possibly guessed it to be.

this isn't a bad thing. and it's not necessarily a good thing. it's a life thing. it's a lesson i'm coming to terms with. you can train, practice, read, plan, and study all you want... and you probably should to improve your chances... but all the planning you can muster is never gonna be enough. you'll never be able to see much more than a step in front of you. if you're turning corners you've never turned before, there will be something you've never seen before. you might be ready for it. you might know what's next. but you, i, everyone, we'll never be sure.

this isn't some sorta cop out or excuse to not try to do your best to live your life to the best of your abilities. just because life is unpredictable isn't any reason to say, 'fuck it, why bother.' we should always bother. we should bother our hardest till we die.

life will give us shit. life will take away shit. life will hug us and fuck us, soothe us and cut us. life will deliver inspiring moments that make it so much easier to carry on. and life will deliver crushing blows that will sometimes steer us towards submission.

never give up. i guess that's what i'm trying to say. if shit's not working out and shit's not going your way, it's not supposed to. nothing's guaranteed and life's not fair. but you're not alone. you're not the only one. we all gotta deal with it. life is us doing whatever it is we do amid the whirlwind storm that is this existence. a bad hand is no excuse not to play the game. that's called quitting. you can't quit. none of us can quit.

if you can carry on doing your thing, whatever the fuck that may be, whatever it is you love or puts a smile on your face or feeds your soul.... and you can keep doing it no matter what setbacks you encounter, then you fucking win.

stop eating people

a few years back ted turner said some shit like, 'in the near future, people will eat each other.' and when he said it, not many people paid attention. sure, mostly cuz he's ted turner and no one pays attention to ted turner in the first place... but there were the few who did hear what he had to say and immediately mocked him for such a silly proclamation.

and now look what's going on. people are eating people and it's all up in the news. and everyone's talking about it. and that's fucked up cuz we all know how much it pisses off kim kardashian and kanye when we're not all talking about them. it's almost like this sudden burst of cannibalism is some sorta backlash towards the mind numbing decay of our society.

i can't be the only one who sees reality tv and celebrity magazines and thinks, 'shit, this is some kinda moral decaying of society right here.' we live in a time where no one gives you shit for saying something like, 'i'm not really into politics.' no one seems to give a fuck about politics... in fact, no one seems to give a fuck about anything... or anything important.

for the most part, the majority of our focus is in all the wrong places. we're all paying attention to well off celebrities and could give less than a fuck about our neighbor and in fact probably try to avoid contact with them. everything's turning to shit all around us but it's okay cuz we're gonna live to see next week's episode of celebrities baking cupcakes.

so if we choose to collectively ignore what's important, eventually society decays. when society decays, people do awful stuff. homeless people get mugged, beaten, and murdered all the time. it unfortunately happens. but now, now they get their face eaten off in the process as well? that's horror movie material. that's something you see in a horror movie and say to yourself reassuringly, 'that could never happen in real life.' AND IT DID! and the dude who did it was naked which throws a whole new twist of 'holy horrible fuck' into the whole thing.

and ever since then, all i see and hear are stories of people doing really awful shit. in just a little over a week i've read stories of people tearing other people's hearts out or ripping out their own intestines and throwing them at cops.

this is all really awful shit. why are people suddenly going off the deep end and ripping out organs and eating each other? is reality tv really to blame? where's ted turner when we need him? my guess is playing cards with harold camping and al gore in his underground doomsday shelter which i'm sure he's been highly made fun of for purchasing. but who's laughing now?