nice guys finish last?

there's a lot of days where i find it's hard enough to just be a nice dude. and then i slip and then i do or say something that makes me an asshole. and i hate that. and then i self loathe. and self loathing sucks. i can't get comfortable anymore. i won't ever feel comfortable with myself in a state of self loathing.

so here i am faced with this conundrum. no one can be a nice dude all the time, right? we all slip. nobody's perfect. but anytime i slip on the nice guy routine, i beat the fuck out of myself for it. granted, i think i'm guilty of some kinda horrid, douchy actions.

i wanna wipe the slate clean all the time and just start again. wake up in the morning and think that today will be the day where i'll just be a nice dude all day long. and i tell myself that will happen. and when that does happen, it'll make day two of being a nice dude even easier. soon i'll be in a rhythm and knocking out a string of days at a time.

but every time i fuck up, the rhythm stops. the music dies. i'm stuck in a rut. i feel a deep seeded sensation of disgust flowing through my very being.

i've never wanted to be anything but a nice dude... even if it's true that they finish last. cuz i don't care if they finish last in races that other people created. in my own race, if i can just make it through this day being a nice dude, i win. if i can look back at a day full of me just being a nice dude, i feel a sense of contentment. that's my zen.