thankful for thanksgiving shopping

this year i'm thankful for thanksgiving shopping. i'm not so thankful that it's a thing that you can do. i don't think anyone should go christmas shopping on thanksgiving. i find that kinda ridiculous. but i'm glad it's out there and it's something that's filled people with the urge to complain out loud. i enjoy seeing a bunch of people pissed off at the same thing. and it's so much sweeter when it actually has an effect on things. there are some stores that are refusing to open on thanksgiving. some are even advertising to let you know that they don't practice that nonsense. everyone complaining about it won't make it go away completely just yet, but it's a start. it's progress of some form.

i'm also thankful that this is a thing we get to complain about in modern america. we're fortunate enough that we're not complaining about a lack of clean water or warlords running our lives. there's a whole lotta pain and misfortune in the world and we've dodged the worst of it just by being here within these national borders. i'm not claiming that the whole american scene is a fairy tale for all. but we could have it a whole lot worse. i'm sure there's easily millions of people who would love to trade places with us and be able to wake up in a warm bed, log onto facebook on their smartphone, and complain about how much they hate stores opening on thanksgiving.

and finally i'm thankful that some people think christmas shopping on thanksgiving is a good idea. it's nice to know you're out there identifying yourself. if it were up to me, you'd have all the time in the world to shop because you'd be uninvited from all thanksgiving happenings anyways cuz you kinda suck at life and no one wants to spend quality time with you anyways. so go ahead and wait on lines, catch that sale, and yell at store employees who'd rather be anywhere than helping your dumbass. it's nice to know who you are and that you've outed yourself.

just let bill cosby have cookies or why marriage scares me

in bill cosby's latest stand up special, he tells a story about having to hide eating cookies from his wife. they go out to eat and there's a bakery in the restaurant and he has to lie and say he's going to the bathroom to go eat two cookies. that's as much as i'm gonna explain cuz you should just watch the special yourself, it's motherfucking bill cosby.

anyways... while listening to him go on about these cookies, i'm thinking to myself, this is the living legend. this is bill cosby. if bill cosby wants to have two cookies, bill cosby should have two cookies. on top of being bill cosby, he also doesn't drink or smoke. cookies are his big thrill. i can't understand why a man of his stature at his age can't just have two cookies without feeling somewhat guilty about it.

the reason he feels guilty is because of his wife. if bill cosby's wife isn't gonna let him eat cookies, what luck do i have if i find myself in that scenario? here i was just trying to not be alone in the world, trying my hand at love and the happily ever after, and now i'm in my 70's and i can't eat cookies. i don't know if that's the life for me.

sure, maybe i can find a wife who won't restrict me from eating cookies. maybe i'll get out there and meet the biggest cookie enabler around. maybe i can add 'must like cookies,' to my list of what i prefer in a mate. but who's to say she'll remain the same over the years? if i met someone today, at about my age, who's to say she won't totally change 40 years from now? what if one day, around age 73, she suddenly wakes up and turns into the wife that won't let her husband eat cookies and just like that, the cookie enabler i fell in love with is gone?

and this is just a matter of cookies. what if i fall for a left leaning, socialist, jets fan who somehow morphs into a, 'neo-conservative who hates everything about football,' type of woman? we're talking decades. people change... a lot. whoever you fall in love with today won't necessarily be that same person for all of time. you can promise to not part till death, but there's no promise that you'll remain the same two people who made that promise on day one.

i guess what i'm really trying to say here is that life's hard and filled with uncertainty. the least we can do is let a spouse enjoy some cookies.

don't read the comments

so you just finished watching an awesome video on youtube. or maybe you just finished reading some article on the internet somewhere that you also enjoyed very much. not knowing what to do next, you decide to scroll down and check out some of the comments. who knows? maybe you're even the type of person who will leave a comment. i don't recommend doing either. if you enjoyed whatever it is you just saw, your best bet is to close your browser and run. let the experience end here. comments will only degrade the experience. they'll never improve it. never.

sure, it's nice that the internet gives everyone a voice. totally empowering. the downside is that the internet also gives everyone a voice and there's a lot of stupid voices out there. it won't take you long to find a comment that earns your disliking... you will always, 100% of the time, run into a comment you wish you could unread from your memory. but you can't. you fucked up when you decided to take this voyage into the comments section in the first place. this is something you will never be able to undo.

most comment sections end up devolving into petty internet disagreements that go back and forth till one of the parties involved decides to call the other, "faggot," or, "retard."  it is when we reach this point that we realize, oh yea, this again, this won't get us anywhere. it never will. no one ever walks away from these situations a better person. this is never an opportunity to learn or grow. it'll always be anonymous people on the internet babbling on and on until one of them gets the last word. it's never who's right, who's wrong, or what did we learn... it's always about who posts last or who has the most people on their side. it's neanderthal-like tribal warfare on the most un-neanderthal-like platform. 

and if you happen to be the sorta person who likes to leave a comment, you should probably try harder to resist the urge. this really is more about your desire to be heard than it is about anyone actually wanting to know what you're thinking. before you left your comment, no one even knew you existed. now all they know of you is some silly thought you couldn't keep boxed up inside. that's what twitter is for. stop using your vapid opinions to ruin other parts of the internet. we don't need each other's help to determine whether what we just watched was awesome or stupid, a decision which is determined before your comment is even seen. we can all decide for ourselves. the most your comment is ever gonna accomplish is convincing other people to think you're an asshole. 

that guy

everything's always going smooth until that guy makes his presence known. you know who that guy is, right? the one who can't be content with the smooth flow of things. he's gotta disrupt that shit cuz everyone can't just have a good time with no worries. that guy calls bullshit on that idea. he will not have it and he will let you know. 

that guy may come in the form of some hapless asshole who's possibly craved for attention. or maybe he's hammered and he doesn't know how to control the things that bother him deep down inside so he's decided to take it out on everyone around him. that guy. he's constantly fucking up the party. but if you ask him about it the next day, he'll probably tell you that everyone else is an asshole and he's the victim cuz that's what that guy does.

that guy hates when you stare at him. sure, you didn't think you were staring, but when you took a quick glance around the room, your eyes quickly moved past that guy and you fucked up. you should've known better. you have a problem and you're about to be invited outside to take care of said problem. 

maybe you said something and that guy misunderstood but that guy misunderstands nothing. you fucked up in your presentation which means you meant for that guy to take offense. and that guy, he's gonna let you know. he doesn't care if it's at a wedding, a graduation, or a funeral. there is no inappropriate place for that guy to stand his ground. all other things take a backseat to that guy and his problems. 

that guy's not just fucking up your life, your party, or your immediate environment. that guy is a busy motherfucker. he's out there in the world putting nations on notice. he's dissecting the human population one group at a time and letting everyone know that we cannot all get along, we can not get past our differences, we cannot let bygones be bygones, and we sure as hell can't live and let live. that guy's not a fucking hippie. he's a man with a code and he will manipulate anyone he can to see things his way. that guy's version of right and wrong is the only version of right and wrong. there's no grey area when it comes to that guy. if you're wrong, that guy will promptly punish you in that guy fashion. that guy won't talk it out. that guy won't try to see things your way. and that's what you deserve because you haphazardly crossed paths with that guy.

that guy is everywhere and he's quick to fuck up your day. some believe that guy secretly knows what a dick he is, but that guy will never show it. that guy's got an image to uphold and he can't waste any of his time or reputation on considering that he might just be an asshole. just when you think you might reach a breakthrough with that guy, he'll meet another guy who agrees with him and he'll be rejuvenated and ready once more to attack the world with his totally justified onslaught of, 'his way or the highway.' you probably know that guy. you probably hate that guy. you might even be that guy.

ladies, feel free to replace the word 'guy,' with, 'gal.' cuz that gal is just as much of an asshole.

going to see the opening band

so one of your favorite bands is touring but the only way you can see them is to purchase tickets for a show where they happen to be the opening band instead of the headliner. and now you're gonna have to go see a headlining band you probably don't even like that much and pay for it knowing that the band you don't even like is going to see a bigger percentage of the money than the band you actually wanna go see. and the whole time you'll have to hang out with the asshats who actually wanna see said headlining band while they yawn, chat, and show up late during your favorite band's set.

but it's not all bad news. here's just a few of the advantages of going to a show to see the opening band.

1- less people

sure, the people who like the headlining band are asshats. but there'll be less of them there when the band you like is performing. that may not be joyous news from the band's perspective. but for you, you'll have more space. you won't be shoulder to shoulder wishing you had more space to spaz out when they finally play track 6 off your favorite album. plus, you'll end up getting there earlier than most people which means you'll probably deal with a smaller line and less waiting. and when the headlining band does take the stage, you can take advantage of this time to buy some merch, grab your next beer, use the bathroom, or pick up your jacket at coat check because when the headliner is playing, none of these activities will involve waiting on lines. if you really wanna go crazy, you can even leave early. depends how curious you are to see any of the headliner's set. which brings me to my next point....

2- you don't have to wait through a band you don't enjoy

sure, a lot of people around you are not gonna get it cuz they're fucking clueless. they're not gonna be into the opening band and they'll look miserable cuz they'll feel like they're being forced to sit through this just to get to the band that they paid to see. but you don't have that problem. the band you came to see comes out first. and if you don't like the band after, you have no more waiting to do. you're free to leave whenever you like. so long to the suckers who can actually stomach whatever sad collection of humanity is headlining this thing.

3- bragging rights

you love this band and you have good taste so eventually this band will find itself headlining their own tour. soon more people will be into them and they'll release an album that you like but not as much as their old stuff and it'll sorta drive you crazy that all these other newcomers decide the newest album is the best one. fret not. you were there on the front lines. you have solid bragging rights. you can talk about all the times you went to go see them in smaller clubs or opening for other bands that fell off. bottom line, you're just a better fan than the rest of these jokers which means you love the band more than they do and if the band met you and any of these other johnny-come-lately's, they'd definitely love you more than them... definitely.

4- they're gonna bring it

the opening band has to bring it. this is their chance to increase their fan base and school some strangers on just who the fuck they are. an opening band's goal should be to bring it so hard, that people leave saying they were the better band (which you obviously already knew). there's no chance for an encore so they have to leave everything on that stage in the allotment of time they're given to do it.

so next time your favorite band's in town but they have to open for some insufferable noise vomiters*,  don't even think twice. pick up those tickets knowing that this purchase only further validates just how super awesome you are to be a fan of this band in the first place.



* 'insufferable noise vomiters,' is the name of my band that doesn't exist cuz i have no musical talent. still, you can't use it... asshole.