point at the cheaters and laugh

all these cheating athletes, what are we gonna do about them?

point and laugh. laugh hard and long. make sure your laugh is heard. laughter is contagious. keep laughing till the person next to you gets in on the joke and starts to laugh also. cuz at this point, what else can we do but shame the cheaters? how else can we discourage cheating in the future? is cheating worth the money they make? i'm gonna go with.... probably. and yea, that's sorta sad i suppose, but when you're cashing million dollar paydays, who gives a fuck what the public finds sad. 

cheating will continue to happen in sports. it will always be worth the risk. we can talk about honor and legacy and halls of fame, but none of that can buy you a boat or a jet ski. it's like that one daniel tosh joke goes, no one is ever not happy when they're on a jet ski. it's obvious that anyone who's willing to cheat is willing to risk throwing away their "legacy." who needs a legacy when you can just paint the word on the side of your yacht?

we can only attempt to shame the cheaters and let them know that we think they're inadequate and weak for cheating. and if all the shaming never takes hold with the current crop of professional athletes, hopefully it'll have some sort of effect for future athletes. hopefully shaming and laughing and turning the names of cheating athletes into the butt of our jokes will develop into a social norm. how else can we drive this point into our collective consciousness? we have no choice but to mark the cheaters as damaged goods and expel them from the tribe. 

don't judge a song by its writer

y'know that band that wrote all those songs about being true to yourself and never selling out that eventually sold out? yeah, those dudes (or chicks). fuck that band, am i right? how dare they. i believed in them and now they've let me down. what a bunch of frauds. i'm gonna throw all their records out (people still own records, right?) and never see them again.

actually, i don't feel that way at all. i don't think it's fair to hold people to the standards of their songs. people and songs are two different creatures altogether. people are fluid and always changing. people are prone to mood swings and conflicting forms of inspiration. songs are permanent. when a song is written, it never changes. it'll always be what it was the first time it was recorded. there for eternity, being that song in all its purity. human beings can't ever be expected to live up to something with such permanence. how many songs does the average song writer write? is it possible for any song writer to always be the same person all their songs lead you to believe they are?

plus, songs are prone to interpretation of the individual listening. if you take two different people, let's say one is freshly dumped and heart broken and the other is a pissed off socialist, political activist, chances are they might walk away with conflicting interpretations of the same song. you can't blame that on the song writer. if she shows up on tour in town, and it turns out she's a happily married neo-conservative, what right is it for anybody to be disappointed if that's just who she happens to be?

sure, some songs are clearer than others. some writers put together albums that present a clear, easy to understand philosophy. and sometimes the person behind that matches the philosophy being presented to a tee. but people change as well. it doesn't matter what the music is about... selling out, women, politics, god... most anything you can write about is some sorta point of view that can change in a person's lifetime.

like if some dude writes a song about how much he love vanilla ice cream... and he really means it. this dude loves vanilla ice cream more than anyone else in all of existence. years go by and everyday he's eating vanilla ice cream and loving every moment of it. and then one day something changes. he tries to wolf down some vanilla ice cream but he can't. for whatever reason, he just doesn't enjoy it anymore. he suddenly becomes a ravenous chocolate ice cream fan. you can't fault him for that. he meant it when he wrote it. but sometimes shit happens and things change.

so don't be so harsh on the people who create the music you enjoy. it's not their fault you put all these unnecessary expectations on them. that's not  a 'them' problem. it's really a 'you' problem. just enjoy the music for what it's worth. if you love an album with all your heart only to find out the dude who wrote it all voted the opposite of you in the last presidential election, are you really gonna stop liking the music? it's not fair to the song. let the song stand on its own merit. as long as whoever wrote it meant it when they wrote it, and you can tell that they put their heart into it, then just enjoy it for what it is... a song.

i'm in no way advocating for music writers who are purposely fraudulent. for whatever reason some people write about certain topics or try and create a certain sound that they're not really into cuz it makes them money, or makes them popular, or makes their girlfriend happier, but it's not heartfelt on the songwriter's part. that's bullshit. this is about putting your heart into a song.... so much heart that the song has enough strength to stand on its own and never needs to be judged by whoever wrote it.

filling out forms. standing in lines.

i applied for a passport today. as much as i wanted a passport so i could have that, 'i can go anywhere i want,' feeling, i wasn't looking forward to the whole process of getting the passport. anything that involves filling out forms and standing in lines usually blows. and this occasion didn't disappoint.

i could bore you with all the details. but that turned out to be three boring paragraphs so i deleted them and started this again. all you need to know is that it involved me having to go back home and make a second trip and it was more inconvenient than it was convenient. and that bothers me. there's all these things we have to do like get passports, and driver's licenses, and go to (or call) unemployment. and it's all sorta a pain in the ass. and it doesn't just stop there with the branches of government. doctors and car dealerships have rooms designated for waiting and filling out forms. everywhere you turn, everywhere you have to go, someone is pushing a form in your face and asking you to take a number. it sucks.

something's got to give. it's 2013. it's the future damn it! we have all these gadgets and apps and devices that help make everything around us convenient. it's time for anything that involves forms and lines to follow suit. where's my passport app? where's my app that lets me fill out and keep on file all the medical mumbo jumbo before i show up at my doctor's office?

some people pine for flying cars or hover boards. not me. all i want is to never wait on a line again. all i want is a way for me to fill out all the forms from the comfort of my home. i wanna be able to click on an 'ok' button and receive an email a moment later telling me that my passport, or my license, or whatever it is i'm trying to get is on its way. i never have to leave home to go sit in a place somewhere with a bunch of other miserable fuckers ever again. that's the future i always envisioned.

i don't care about guns

there's been so much talk about guns everywhere i turn and i just don't care. i don't wanna come across as insensitive or indifferent... but seriously, i don't give a fuck about guns. take 'em or leave 'em. ban them all or inspire us all to load up on them. i just can't get myself worked up enough to choose a side in what seems to be an extremely polarizing debate.

if you're against guns, i get it. when a gun is doing what it was created to do, all it's really doing is destroying. i'm totally anti-destroying stuff which almost qualifies me to join the anti-gun side... but i'm not anti-gun in the sense that they should be banned altogether. i'm anti-gun in the sense that i wish they were never created in the first place. i'd much rather an existence where no one has guns... not us, not my enemies, and not our government who we have to keep honest from going all tyrannical on us.

if you're pro-gun, i also get that. cuz the reality of the situation is that there are guns in the world and bad people like to use them to do bad things. so what's a good person to do in this cold, cruel world of ours? an effective way to protect yourself from a maniac with a gun is to have a gun of your own. hopefully you have the quicker draw and you kill that crazy maniac quicker than that crazy maniac kills you.

and i also get that if we don't have any weapons at all, then the military and the police and the big bad government is the only side that's armed and that's how we could possibly lose control and fall victim and find ourselves confined to a tyrannical, prison-state existence. tyrannical, prison-state existence doesn't sound fun to me. so i guess if we have guns, the government will be less likely to try and take us down.

not that i think the government is going to get all tyrannical on us. and if they were, they'd do it by controlling the money and putting us all in debt slowly turning us into slaves of a consumer culture that we think makes us happy and keeps us too busy to realize the obvious sad state of affairs around us. but something like that could never happen, right? while i'm on the topic, anyone up for waiting in a long line overnight for iphones and sneakers that were made in china by starving children who get paid ten cents per 18 hour shift? anyone?

i don't think i suffer from indifference. i have a point of view and am heavily opinionated on this topic... maybe too opinionated. i doubt everyone's gonna come clean and throw all their guns into incinerators at the same time so that we can evolve past this and never have to worry or think about guns again. so i'm screwed. and i accept that. i'm gonna let you nuts fight it out on facebook cuz it's fun to watch.

no one knows it's cold better than the homeless

it's cold in new jersey. nobody knows that better than the homeless. too bad they don't have facebook accounts to let the rest of us know how cold they are. they'd probably troll our iphone weather app pictures we love to post. they'd probably mock us and tell us to man up. then they'd probably lay in on the ol' homeless routine. think your cold with your four walls and a ceiling? try living on the streets. we'd probably unfriend them cuz who wants to look at that. you're bringing us down, man! that's no way to act on facebook. guess it's a good thing they don't have facebook accounts or smart phones with weather apps that can warn them of the coming arctic temperatures.

when it gets cold, i can't help but think about the homeless. i can't help but think about my privileged life. i can't help but think how most of the time i live my life to make myself happy and what a luxury that is. what are the homeless doing now to make themselves happy? is happy even possible when it's 14 degrees outside and it feels like 0? i can't stand when people look at me funny. imagine how they feel, in this cold, every time some passerby stares them down.

the next time i travel somewhere that's warm all year round, i'll think about the homeless. i'll think about how the homeless in a warm environment have it one notch better than the homeless back in jersey. why don't all the homeless migrate south? i'm not saying i want to get rid of them or not see them anymore. they act as a reminder of just how shitty existence can be and i think we need that reminder in our lives. parents should be forced to explain to their children how society forgets and ignores some of the less fortunate. but if i was homeless, i'd be out of here. fuck new jersey. fuck the north. i'm thinking phoenix or vegas or la. 

and then if all the homeless decide to leave and migrate south, when it gets cold we can go back to complaining about it and not thinking about those who have it waaaay worse than we do and how their peril makes our bitching look idiotic and weak. 

next time you're on your way home to go lay under blankets, think about the dude shaking a cup of change in your face. would it really be such an inconvenience in your life to throw that guy a buck? and if you happen to be well off, do him, yourself, and all of us a favor... stick a greyhound bus ticket for the west coast in that coffee cup. now you're helping. now you can go home to lay under blankets and not feel like such an entitled douche about it.

i don't have a favorite band

music is too expansive and too dependent on me, moods, and the moment. i suppose in a single moment, i could have a favorite band just for that moment. but it'll never be a permanent thing. i couldn't live off of one band's music alone for the rest of my life. i can't answer the question, "if you were forced to live on an island for the rest of your life and could only bring one record with you, what record would it be?" that's just not fair. i'm pretty sure my head would explode... that or i'd be swayed by the moment, pick an album that i'm sure would do the trick and regret it shortly into my, 'cast away on an island,' lifestyle.

i pretty much feel the same about every other form of art. i don't have a favorite movie or book or painting. i store everything into three categories... stuff i don't like, stuff that is just ok, and stuff that is awesome. and that's it. that's my filing system. don't count on me to make a top 100 list at the end of the year. don't look to me to decide the best of the best. i don't think great albums, movies, or other forms of art have any business fighting each other in these imaginary countdowns we keep creating. why can't a bunch of great creations be a bunch of great creations together without us having to try and throw some form of 'alpha dog' competitiveness into it? this isn't sports or war. this is far more divine.

i don't think anyone who claims to have chosen a single favorite band, album, movie, book, tv show, etc, is being completely honest with themselves. or maybe they are and it's just something i'll never get. but the idea of having a favorite anything sorta bores me. i think we have to remain fluid as consumers of art. tastes change. new things are being introduced constantly. there's shit that's been around for years that we haven't seen or heard and is just waiting to be discovered so it can change the game and rock our worlds.

and this is in no way an attempt to discourage anyone from liking what they already like. love what you're  into. listen to the same record over and over if it makes you feel awesome. that's great. appreciate with passion. i get that. i lose my shit to the right record. i think there's nothing better than the perfect song at the perfect moment. but let's just love what we love without having to size everything up against everything else. just enjoy and forget all the other bs that sometimes comes with being a fan of anything.

my ever growing doubt in everything

 i walked onto the light rail tonight to an entire empty section. i thought it was too good to be true. these late night light rail rides usually don't come with any sorta personal space. as i quickly scanned the area to choose where i would sit, i came across the reason this one section of the rail car was empty. splattered underneath two rows of seats was vomit. i quickly walked into the next section of the rail that was pretty packed.

i also couldn't help but notice how filthy this one empty section was. there was garbage scattered everywhere. empty potato chip bags, an empty coffee cup, people just leaving their shit behind. and i don't get it. i don't understand cuz to me it's automatic. if i have something on me like an empty coffee cup, i keep it with me till i come across a garbage can. it's not even a big deal and is of almost no inconvenience to me whatsoever. i don't understand why people can't carry their stupid garbage with them.

and that's when the brain starts kicking into overdrive. suddenly i take this small sample size of humanity and enlarge it so it becomes all of humanity itself. and suddenly humanity sucks and i've lost all faith in it... again. this happens a lot. my head is filled with doubt... doubt for people, doubt for the future, doubt for nice things or if we even deserve nice things in the first place. this light rail is all the confirmation i need to assure me that all we've ever been good for as a species is to shit on everything that's been given to us. this light rail is the planet we carelessly destroy. that empty dorito bag laying on the floor is a symbol for human convenience and fuck all else that gets in the way.

and then i begin to doubt myself. and suddenly i feel like i've failed. i didn't mean to turn this into a session where i beat myself up. this was all very accidental. but if i'm gonna look down on all of humanity, i can't do it from some untouchable cloud. i'm just as guilty as anyone else. and suddenly, like bursts of lightning and thunder, my head becomes a kaleidoscopic of images and memories of all the things i've done wrong. i start to think about how a lot of people seem to think i'm this nice guy, and yet when i've douched people over, i've DOUCHED them over. i've been a bastard and a deviant. i'm no more innocent than the dude who couldn't handle the ride and puked on the light rail tonight.

sometimes it all seems so simple. all i ever wanted to be was a force for positivity in this world. but i look around and reflect on my own efforts as of late and i feel like i've failed. and it begins to feel like i'm on the losing side of a war that won't ever end. i'm losing morale. sometimes i just don't wanna fight this fight anymore. have i given up? i begin to wonder when giving up happened. did the moment pass me by while i wasn't looking? and now i am ultimately fucking bummed.

on my way home, i stopped at quick check. some dude came in and stole a beverage of some sort and he didn't even make an effort to conceal it. as he walked out the cashier tried to stop him. he asked him to come  back and let him scan it. the dude turned to the cashier and said he brought the beverage with him from his house. they went back and forth a little and the dude left with beverage in hand. and i thought about how nice it was to have a quick check right around the corner from me and how shitty it would be if everyone started stealing from there and they had to close down.

when i paid for my stuff the cashier told me he got his license plate number and he's gonna call the cops. and the whole situation seemed outright shitty to me. the dude was shitty for stealing the beverage. but the cops will probably be shitty when the cashier reports a stolen snapple. the police aren't gonna give a fuck. nothing's ever gonna come of this. someone did the wrong thing and he's totally gonna get away with it. no justice served.

and as i type this, the couple upstairs from me is fighting. i can hear possesions being knocked over. i can hear yelling. i can hear crying. and then i think about how many couples all around the world are doing the same exact thing at this same exact moment. and then i think about how many times i've done the same exact thing. my doubt in everything continues to grow.

religion doesn't kill people. people kill people.

whenever someone kills someone else in the name of their god or religion, just know that i'm not buying it. it's a total cop out to take another human being's life and then try to blame it on something that we can't even prove is real. and if there is a god, and it's in the form you assume it to be, i'd imagine your god would be embarrassed by your behavior. didn't your god work real hard at this life thing for us? aren't we his/her masterpiece? why would you wanna destroy something your beloved creator created?

here's the thing... i think if we could somehow pretend there were no religions, we'd still have a bunch of douchebags running around looking for an excuse to end the lives of others. if it's not imaginary friends in the sky we're fighting over, it'd most likely be replaced by something a lot more real. it'd be the other typical stuff we fight about like land, money, resources, women, and who has the bigger, better looking penis. douchebags are always gonna be douchebags and they can't hide behind anything to conceal that. i'll never buy religion as an excuse for anyone's actions. the truth of the matter is that if you're a loving, peaceful person, you'll practice your religion in a loving, peaceful way. and if you're an awful person, you'll practice your religion in an awful way.

so i don't buy in when so called prominent atheists come out and say that if we had no religion at all, we'd have a lot more peace. oh, would i love to believe that, but i know people and a lot of them suck. there would still be shitty people without religion. in fact, i don't believe there is a shitty religion. i think all religions are blank canvases until their believers paint said canvases. religions only become shitty when shitty people start to practice them... which is unfortunate for said religion.

the same can be said about atheism. no way of life is free from douchebaggery. it's one thing not to believe in anything after you die, but it's another thing to try and rain on other people's parades and tell them what they believe is a lie. even if that's what you think, what do you care? all you're gonna do is infuriate others and inspire them to be angry. and then they'll end up doing something stupid. and then you'll blame it on their religion, but it's not their religion... it was your antagonizing. you were poking the bear and the bear don't like to be poked. so please, douchebag atheists, leave the bears alone.

people will always kill people. it's what we do. and though i sorta accept that as a terrible symptom of life, i don't condone it and i don't think we should just sit back and let the chips fall where they may. i do think we need to shift our priorities. we're quick to point fingers and look for scapegoats, and that's stupid. we're all influencing each other constantly and it's just a big ol' shit storm and if you look around a bit, why wouldn't people grow up to be shitty? it's not their religion. it's other shitty people. the only fix is for everyone to stop being so shitty. and if we did that, we'd probably eventually get to a place where we'd think, 'oh wow, religious people are alright. they're always being cool and not shitty. and non-religious people are alright as well cuz they're also always being cool and not shitty. everyone's alright.'

anyways, enough with this high falutin, idealistic banter. as you were. on with the body count.

the lance armstrong debacle

i don't feel like this is so much a defense of lance armstrong... it's more like a, 'what's the matter with everything else in the world,' sorta thing. so here goes.

lance armstrong is a cheater. he cheated... and he lied... for years. after over a decade of rumors and hearsay and doubt, that all seems to have come to an end. he's guilty of cheating, case closed. from here on in, you will never again hear me say, "maybe he didn't cheat. no one  knows for sure." (though i do take issue with the drug testing methods of bicycling. they tested him plenty of times and never once did he come up positive. but hey, that's drug testing for you... always a step behind the trailblazers, which i guess armstrong can be considered now... a true pioneer in fooling the system).

what i will say is trotting around the mountains of france on a bicycle for three weeks is no easy feat and winning a three week long race through those mountains seven times is both ridiculous and epic. sure, armstrong cheated and that helped. but it wasn't the drugs alone. most of us can't wake up tomorrow, get into blood doping, and win a tour de france. not happening. even if he cheated, it's still a crazy accomplishment (and if you feel uptight about the whole thing after reading that, no worries, they stripped him of all his accolades anyways. take comfort in that, jerk).

but that's all besides the point i really wanna make here. what i can't wrap my head around is why people are either hurt or angry or disappointed. i mean i sorta get it, but i think people put too much faith in other people, especially those they don't know. most lance armstrong fans didn't know the dude personally. this isn't your buddy or somebody that lives on your block. people are too quick to make heroes out of people they have limited access to. lance, pro-athletes, celebrities, musicians, even politicians... all we know of them is what we get on tv and twitter. stop looking up to these people. there's probably a ton of heroes in your immediate environment. get out there and get to know some of them. who knows? maybe it's your parents or a teacher or maybe it's that barista at starbucks who always makes your latte the right way. turn off the tv and get to know them.

or improve yourself. if you feel the need to invest your emotions into uber-athletes, maybe you're doing something wrong. maybe you need to go out and invest your emotions elsewhere. no touchdown scoring, home run hitting, mountain cycling athlete is ever gonna have an immediate, positive effect on your life. so give it up. stop focusing on that and focus on you.

and remember, sports is fodder. it's all so silly. taking sports seriously is for athletes and analysts. the rest of us need to chill out and remember this is just entertainment. don't get so involved in it.

do you know what is serious? cancer. what if every scoundrel in sports did what lance armstrong did outside of sports? what if they all started their very own organization to help fight cancer? imagine if every blood doping, pill popping, rule breaking athlete in the world decided to start their very own cancer fighting machine? and imagine if all those cancer fighting machines really started taking it to cancer and eventually winning the war. what then? i know this is some highly improbable shit i'm talking about. but at what point in the fight against cancer do we decide, eh fuck it, who cares if he blood doped? would we be any less grateful for a cure for cancer if we found out it came from someone who cheated in something as silly as sports?

five years of open mic

five years ago this past sunday, me and some friends started an open mic at a local bar, the wild rover pub, in guttenberg, nj. this past sunday was the fifth anniversary of open mic. me and my co-host, james, didn't even realize it till things got started up that it had officially been five years. our friend liz came by to celebrate her birthday and that helped us to remember that we also celebrated liz's birthday during the very first open mic (there was a test run the week before that was a little sketchy and i honestly don't remember fully so it doesn't count).

five years is a long time. that's longer than high school or college. i'm 33. i was 28 when we started it all. so much has happened. i've met so many people and heard so many different performances. to this day, i run into people around town and they'll come up to me and say, 'hey,' and i'll always feel bad cuz i won't remember their name and they'll usually say, "i've seen you at open mic," or, "i performed at your open mic." what i wouldn't do for a complete list of all the performers that ever performed at our mic. somewhere in my belongings is a stack of sign up sheets. but even that won't capture everyone. there were so many disorganized weeks where we didn't have sign up sheets or people performed without signing up. we were never known for running the tightest ship.

there's been bar fights and drama. we've been in the front of the bar. we've been in the back of the bar. we're back at the front of the bar at this moment (we really like the front of the bar a lot better than the back of the bar. if you came around for the 'back of the bar' era, i'm sure you'd agree). if open mic is a band i'm in, it's a tumultuous one that had breakups and changes in the line up.

when we first began, it was four of us. me, james, liz, and chet. the whole thing was based on another crazy idea. me and chet had gotten into a conversation while we were both high about starting a record label. and from there we tried to move the idea forward. we gave it a name, "t'welv-step records." (not based on aa but based on my bad, stoned understanding of buddhism... i thought there was a twelve fold path to enlightenment or something like that... so boom, that's where the name came from). anyways, we convince liz and james to join in on the record label idea. and we figured starting an open mic would be a good chance to perform music (all three of them were musicians, i was nothing.... i had not yet attempted stand up comedy) and meet other musicians.

so the first open mic comes up and i figure i'll try some stand up comedy cuz it's something i'd always sorta been interested in. i have a recording of my first set somewhere but i never listen to it. it's pretty bad. but here i am five years later still performing stand up comedy and co-hosting that same open mic.

stuff happened and somewhere along the way liz stepped away from the label and the mic. i could delve into the reasons and whatnot, but i won't. you had to be there. as the weeks went by without liz, the focus on anything label related started to weaken. and at some point there was a moment where i acknowledged to myself, "this label shit's not gonna happen." but we kept going with the open mic. it was still something to do. it was nice to have an open mic to go to. having that every sunday night, it sorta felt like church to me or something. it just rounded out my week and if i didn't go, i'd feel a little emptier.

somewhere along the way, chet stopped showing up. he'll still stop by on a rare occasion here or there, but at some point he was out as a regular and me and james were on our own with this (though our homie chris has also been a constant with us for most of the five years and is probably as synonymous with open mic as me or james at this point).

there were also times i wanted to quit. there were times i'd take a month off. hosting an open mic late on sunday nights is a killer. i have to be fresh for work every monday morning and open mic makes it tough. when we first started it, i had mondays off. it was great. but then my schedule changed along the way and open mic suddenly became a bigger sacrifice. if the turnout wasn't good for a few weeks in a row, i'd get frustrated and lose interest. but anytime i'd take time off, i'd hop back into it refreshed, ready to go, and ready to make it work.

and a lot of good has come from open mic. maybe the best thing to come out of it is my friendship with james (ugh, it's gonna get emo up in here for a sec). i didn't really know james that well before this all began. but over the years we've become close friends and have had a countless amount of good times, whether it was at open mic or elsewhere (shows, parties, bbq's, other bars, etc, etc). and there's just so much shit that has gone down throughout the years. it's like me and james have been serving in the trenches of a war and no one else will ever fully understand what it's like.

i've gotten to meet so many people... so many interesting people. some mad people. some fucking nut jobs. some eclectic talents. some people that did things so amazing on the mic that the collective jaw of the whole bar dropped. we've even had our fair share of awful people and awful performances. a lot of the people i've met aren't even performers... just people who came to the bar to hang out. a lot of the people i've met are the bartenders, there's been so many bartenders over the years. thanks for keeping us drunk!

anyways.... i figured on a nice round number like five years, it was time to stop and reflect and devote some space to it on my blog. i'll never say how many more years we got in us. we've never been good at planning shit out. if and when open mic ends, i imagine it'll be abrupt and without much warning. it's gotta be fun. that's the most important factor. and it still is fun. and that may be the thing i'm most proud about. we started this thing that has provided people with five years of performances, good times, and memories.

an atheist walks into a church....

i went to church yesterday...or, more specifically, i went to a church. there wasn't a sermon or anything like that. alli (my brother's wife, or sister-in-law... for the record, i don't like the whole sister-in-law or any in-law term. it feels cold and vacant), is in a church choir and they were having their holiday show. so i decided to get out of the apartment and check it out. and i needed it. i was getting cabin fever. i hadn't been outside since friday.

it was a good time. my family was there. her (awesome) family was there. then we went back to phil (my bro) and alli's place and had pizza and munched on desserts and the whole thing was a win-win. but that's not the part of the day i want to write about at the moment. it's more about me actually stepping foot in a church.

it happens. i'd venture to say my average is about twice a year. there's usually a wedding or a baptism or a choir show to go check out that gets me to go there. when i enter churches, i feel like the ultimate visitor. i'm never gonna feel quite at home there. and it's nothing against churches. they got their vibe and i got mine. that's the thing.... just cuz i don't feel at home in a church doesn't mean i hate churches.

i'm not of the religion hating atheist variety. whatever you're into, that's cool. from what i can tell yesterday, this here religion thing tends to make some people happy. there's singing and laughing and smiling. sure, they preached a bit yesterday... but just a bit. and why not? it's their house, their rules. i acknowledge that the moment i walk through the doors.

as long as whatever it is you're into, a religion, a philosophy, or whatever.... doesn't make you go off the deep end. as long as you're not killing in the name of whatever you wanna fill in the blank with, as long as whatever you're believing doesn't make you a douchebag, then you're cool by me. and any atheist who disagrees with me is probably of the douchey variety and wouldn't be able to step foot in a church and actually sorta enjoy the mirth that the atmosphere presents for everyone around him (or her... there's female douchebag atheists too).

memes make josh angry. josh smash memes.

y'know memes, those things everyone posts on facebook with some kinda picture or drawing and a clever saying on them? they bother me... a lot. well, maybe not as much as they used to. it seems i've built up a resistance to them as of late. as soon as i see a meme take shape in my line of vision, i quickly scroll onto the next thing on my facebook wall. sure, every now and then one gets my attention... and sometimes they're even quality stuff. but that doesn't matter... it's not the quality of memes that bothers me (although, if you're gonna post memes, at least come correct), it's their existence on facebook in general.

i think social networking and facebook can be whatever we want to collectively make it. facebook's only gonna be as awesome as our imaginations allow it to be. there's a ton of shit i see on a daily basis that makes me cringe and wanna swear off facebook forever (that's just tough talk of course. she knows i can't quit her), and memes are about the lowest class thing i see on facebook. they're a lower form of social networking than pictures of your meals, pets, and children. they're even lower than those passive aggressive posts you write about your ex and we all know it's about your ex but we pretend we don't know that cuz you decided to be all mysterious and not mention their name in your post.

memes in themselves are creative and memes in themselves aren't necessarily a bad thing. and if you're the creator of a meme, that might be my only exception to my disgust for memes on facebook. my real issue is that people can't think of anything original to say so they have to go and copy this thing that somebody else created and post it to their wall to share with everybody. and i think that sucks. i'd much rather read what you have to say. i'd much rather scroll through facebook and see nothing but original thoughts and statements created by you, the owner of your facebook page...not some clever meme written by someone i don't know.

and i know i'm guilty of posting a meme or two in my day. and i know this blog post makes me a giant hypocrite. some days i'm all, 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em,' and i give in. but i tell you this, i don't wanna be that dude. i don't wanna be a meme poster. and if you see me posting memes, just know that is me at my social networking weakest.

and if you're still reading this blog, i commend you. to show my appreciation, i'm suggesting homework. it's voluntary and a little crazy so it means you probably won't do it. but if you're up for it, think of something original to say... it can be about anything... anything at all. take that original thought, and put it on facebook. there are no wrong answers (however, if it's something racist, i will unfriend you).

ps:

don't even get me started on poking.

new year's resolution: i quit drinking

i'm not one for new year's resolutions usually. i'm of the opinion that if there's something you wanna do, just do it. you shouldn't need a special date to make it happen. i'm sure whatever it is you choose as your new year's resolution can just as easily be declared on december 28th for no other good reason than because that's what you wanna do. it's for this reason that i usually avoid making resolutions for the new year. it almost takes away from the importance of whatever it is i wanna change in my life. whatever that may be, it should be more important than new year's day and able to make whatever day that is chosen one of the most important days of the year.

but i don't wanna poop on the idea totally either. a lot of people make resolutions to better themselves and that's always a good thing. so if new year's day is the kick in the ass that you needed, then that's awesome. it's good to see something has inspired you to go and make that positive change in your life (although i suppose you could make a negative change... like that one year i worked in a hotel and me and my coworker coleen decided to be bigger assholes to customers for the new year. good times!)

i guess this year i was also looking for some kinda kick in the ass. so i let new year's be that kick in the ass and decided to attempt something that i've attempted before and obviously failed at. my resolution is to quit drinking. many people have heard this song and dance before cuz i've said it before. so why am i gonna try quitting again? why am i even writing this blog? why do i feel the need to unload this in such a form?

let's start with why and see where this goes from there.

why?

okay, the immediately obvious reason is that it's better for my health... both mentally and physically. i'm sure my body and mind have already taken a beating and it'll be nice to know that by quitting drinking, i'm immediately taking a big step in being better to my body and my overall well being.

obvious reason #2- fuck hangovers.

but the real meat of this issue lies here:

i reflect on my life so far, and i'm not absolutely satisfied with the results. i think i could have done better. i think i should be in a better place and i should be a happier person. i'm not a totally miserable loser and there's a lot in my life that i'm both grateful for and proud of. but it just seems like there's certain things i could've done or could be doing better. there's certain goals i could be chasing harder. sometimes i don't even know what my goals are anymore. it's like i feel like i've lost some of my grip on that sorta thing and i'm stuck in this haze. and i'm hoping not drinking is the first of many steps to make improvements in this area of my life.

also, drinking is my ultimate crutch. it's my fail safe for pretty much everything. i'm bored. i drink. i'm sad. i drink. i'm happy. i drink. i celebrate by drinking. i mourn by drinking. it's my major form of socializing. i hardly do anything in a social setting that doesn't involve drinking in some capacity. and just to type that makes the task seem that much more daunting. but i feel like i need to do this. i feel like people know me as josh the drinker. and i don't wanna be that guy. i look at my life and a lot of it is spent getting drunk, being drunk, and recovering from being drunk. and i just don't wanna live that life anymore.

and one of the harder parts about being a drinker like myself is i'm not particularly a nasty drunk (i regrettably have my moments, but overall, i'm a half decent dude still when i'm drunk). so whenever i mention quitting or slowing down or changing up my lifestyle, i get a lot of gentle backlash from people who, with no ill intentions mind you, say things like, "you don't have a problem," and, "you're not a bad drunk." and i'm probably not. i never drink at home or alone. i don't call out or show up late to work very often. actually, i think i'm pretty awesome at my job.

it's like if i was an awful drunk... if it was the sorta thing that caused me to lose jobs, friends, respect, and so on... i'm sure then people would be like, "oh yea, you should quit. definitely." and that sorta sucks. just cuz i'm not a bad enough drunk in the eyes of other people, i've used that as a reason to keep it going. but all the while i feel shitty about it.

so if i feel shitty about it, why do i do it? cuz it's something to do. cuz it's a way to connect with friends. cuz any other time i've tried quitting, my life immediately got more boring and lonely. and that's the part i gotta tough out. cuz i can't put this on other people. that's not fair to anyone. this is my own personal drinking issue and i'm not looking to inspire others or ask for others to quit or to even hang out with me sober. cuz i can't be that dude. that's just not how i roll. i don't wanna be someone who pushes his own beliefs on others.

and that's what makes the whole thing really fucking tough in the beginning. i've built a life around drinking... more specifically... my social life. and i'm a social dude. i love socializing. i love hanging out. i love not staying home. i get cabin fever easily and constantly need to find stuff to do to entertain me. and drinking has been that. whether it's at bars, music clubs, friends' houses... wherever... it's all in some way connected to drinking. it's everywhere and everyone i know knows me to be one who drinks.

so just like that, i'm flipping a switch and changing pretty much everything. i was out last night for new year's eve at my local pub (the wild rover... free plug and an odd one since this is a blog about quitting drinking). i was gonna stay home cuz i wanted to stay sober. but when it hit 11:20pm, i just couldn't fathom the idea of watching the ball drop by myself. so i gut checked myself to mosey on down to the wild rover to enjoy a soda while everyone who i knew there was having a good time getting loaded. i'm happy to say i stuck with the soda and left pretty quickly after the ball dropped. but it was hard. the bartenders know my favorite beer. and on new year's eve, people are looking to buy drinks and cheers with you. and i'm standing there in a place i was just drunk in the night before (sunday, december 30th, my last night of drinking ever???) with a soda in hand. i did it. i stayed sober. but it was tough.

ok, so anyways.. why write a blog about it? cuz this can't be anonymous. cuz i need as many people to know as soon as possible (insert your joke about how only three people read this blog and this is not a good way to communicate to a lot of people here). i don't need your support. if you do support my decision, it's appreciated but you can root against me if you like. honestly, i don't care if you like, love, or hate it. i want you to have a natural reaction to it and stick with that natural reaction cuz that's who you are and i don't want anyone to fake anything about this and i certainly don't wanna be responsible for bending anyone's will. if you're one of the people reading this, i just need you to know about it. that's all. and if you do hate it, just don't be a dick and offer to buy me a drink. i mean, do that if you want... just know that you're being a dick.

i also wrote this cuz it feels so damn cathartic. i could explain this to everyone in person till i'm blue in the face. but that gives you the option to butt in and give your own opinions and speak your own mind about this topic. and i just don't wanna hear that right now. it's good to be able to just go on and on without interruption and know that i got it all out there. it's sorta selfish when you think about it, but hey, show me a writer who isn't looking for catharsis?

so here's to 2013. the year i stopped drinking.