just let me be a jerk in peace

i know at times i can be a bit of a jerk... maybe even sometimes more than a bit. and i know at times i can be a bit of a wise ass, jackass, and all around sarcastic dude. i can't help these tendencies i have. just like anyone else, i got a saint and a devil sitting on my shoulders... and when the devil's screaming drowns out the gentle whisper of the saint, i tend to shift into jerk mode.

at the core, i'm all heart. i'm generally an all around nice dude. i think we should all get along. i think war is stupid. i try to avoid fights and hurting people's feelings. i'm definitely not a bully cuz i don't believe in preying on people just because in my mind they appear to be weaker than me.

but i can't be a total nice guy all the time. i've been that dude. i know what happens. the ol' 'nice guys finish last' thing is kinda true. it's great to be a nice dude and i myself am a big fan of them and i pretty much detest assholes and douchebags.

so why be a jerk sometimes? it just feels right. i think somewhere along the line i realized that the nice guy finishes last only because he goes so out of his way to always be nice that he lets everyone else pass in front of him and eventually that turns into people taking advantage of him and mistaking his kindness for weakness. i know this sounds like some cold shit... and it is. the world's a cold place. every nice dude would do himself a favor to fly into jerk mode every so often. it's an act of defense so he can remain nice at the core.

when i am being a jerk, it's usually towards other jerks. it's more of a defense mechanism than anything else. if you're gonna be an asshole, i'm not gonna just stand around and take that shit. i'm gonna throw it right back in your face. and when i do that, i gotta put the nice guy routine away for a minute. it happens. i can get back to that just as soon as i'm done with the asshole who's trying to shit in my bowl of cereal.

be nice, but don't let people shit on you either. you gotta stand up for yourself. and sometimes that means being a jerk.

and to my friends and loved ones... when i'm being a jerk to you... my bad. but you gotta know that it's only cuz i love you. there's a playful wise ass side of me that likes to joke around.... a lot, sometimes too much. and when the switch is on, it's fun and i'm like a kid in an arcade in the 80's and i just don't want that shit to ever end. so i joke around a lot and seem to not take a lot of stuff serious... but there's almost nothing more serious to me than the people i call my friends and family (it's the same thing to me. when i say family, blood relation don't cut it. there's gotta be a real connection). so i joke with you and if you notice it's a certain type of joking that i don't do with anyone else. cuz i don't consider anyone outside the circle of my friends and family worth joking around like that with.

so if you catch me being a jerk or you catch me being a smart ass... it's either cuz you're an asshole or i love you (and on rare occasions, a combination of both).

everyone else in the middle, leave me alone. that's why i have headphones on and i'm avoiding eye contact at all costs.

50 shades of josh

recently i was able to obtain a free copy of, '50 shades of grey,' on my e-reader. i had to get a glimpse of this book to see what all the hype was about. i'm not usually one to fall for hype. usually a whole lot of noise don't mean much to me... and most times it usually has an opposite effect on me. if i hear there's something everyone is reading, it kinda makes me not wanna read it. guess it has something to do with being an unpopular kid or something.

anyways... this book was different. it was making different noise. i was coming across references to it everywhere online... reading about it in blogs and articles. snl did a sketch about it (a pretty good one at that). and apparently according to the buzz, this book is plenty erotic. since i was able to get a free copy, i couldn't resist the urge anymore... curiosity won.

so i started reading away on my e-reader. it was boring. i couldn't get into it. i guess i'm a bit guilty of expecting a lot of raunchy stuff up front. that wasn't the case. the characters bored me. and probably because the copy was free... i started thinking about all the other books of the world i could or should be reading. so many more important books await me... here i am reading '50 shades of grey,' and yet i've never read one thing by kurt vonnegut.

i ditched '50 shades of grey.' never even got to the raunchy parts.

i did pick up a copy of 'slaughterhouse five,' by kurt vonnegut. very awesome book, i highly recommend it.

an interesting side note... while i had, '50 shades of grey,' in my e-reader, a friend offered to upload an issue of rolling stone magazine for me to read. i took her up on the offer. but then i realized she was gonna have to open up my library and see what was in there. i'm not gonna say i was ashamed to have had, '50 shades of grey,' in my library... guess just a bit awkward. she never mentioned it but i'm sure she saw it... and since she's a 20 something year old female, i'm sure she's up on her shit and knows all about, '50 shades of grey.'

but it was a kick ass rolling stone! so thanks!

let's break stuff!!

yesterday, after work....

i was walking to the bus stop when i walked through a part of a parking lot that had a lot of big rocks in it. at first glance of the rocks, all i could think about was breaking stuff... in that first pure moment before i can censor myself or give things a second thought... for one sweet moment i saw a rock that was the perfect size for my hand to be thrown through a window nearby. the imagery was dreamy.

i didn't pick up that rock. i didn't throw that rock. i didn't break a window. i didn't break anything. but the urge was there. i'm filled with this urge to break stuff. i never follow through with it... but it's this chaotic part of me that always manifests itself... when life is less than perfect, when things aren't going my way, when i'm pissed the fuck off, i always think breaking something... watching something destruct at my own hands will somehow relieve some of the tension.

and i can't be alone in this. i'm sure tons of people have these thoughts and urges... it seems like such a great release.

when i walked past those rocks yesterday, other thoughts followed after my original. there was the obligatory, 'don't do that, you can get in a lot of trouble' thought... which is good... i'm glad that's in tact. i need that. but there were other thoughts.

like what if i could get away with it? what if i went on a complete tirade and picked up rock after rock after rock and flung them through the office, hotel, and car windows all within 10-30 feet of me? what if for just one moment, i could throw these rocks and break the fuck out of stuff without any repercussions? if that option was any form of reasonable and available to me, i wouldn't think twice... i'd think no more... i'd go into a zen like bliss of me throwing rocks, me being rock, me being rock as it flies through the glass it shatters, me the glass shattering, me the loud and oddly melodic sound of breaking glass flowing through the air.

i've always had this idea in the back of my head to have a 'breaking stuff' party. i've never followed through with it though. it'd be pretty hard to pull off. but the thought first came to me in a moment when i realized i own way too many plates and glasses for a dude who lives by himself. what if i could just break a bunch of it? how great would that be? what if i could invite others to join me? imagine a big ol' gathering of people breaking shit they don't need for hours on end. i'd hire a dj and serve some drinks, maybe even get a cake... that cake would never be eaten though. it'd end up smashed against a wall somewhere.

but where could you throw a party like this? this type of behavior is acceptable nowhere. so i continue to dream....

i dream of parties filled with people breaking stuff together all in the name of fun and relieved tensions. i dream of rocks flying through windows. i dream of kitchen appliances being flung from roofs onto the ground. i dream.....

it's not me, it's you

something i've always wanted to say to somebody.... out loud.

out loud would be the abnormal part... i say this shit to myself constantly. i'm always biting my lip, never ready to let someone know how i really feel cuz there's a part of me that doesn't wanna offend them or anger them or even worse, end up rejected by them (like if it's a friend, girlfriend, coworker, family member, etc). i'm always willing to swallow a bit of my own pride if that means the bridge stays in tact.

and all i have to show for it is a bunch of in tact bridges... big deal. boring. anytime i have to hide what i really feel, think, or want to say, then most likely it's a bridge that leads me to a destination that i'm no longer interested in having access to anyways. if i have no interest in what lies on the other end of that bridge, then i should have no qualms or issues with blowing that shit up.

we're all bridges to each other. two people are responsible for the upkeep of bridges. the second someone says or does something that offends my own sense of morality and/or decency is the same second i should stop caring about the bridge we share together. fuck that bridge.

anytime i've ever put myself into an, 'it's not you, it's me,' situation was most likely due to my fear to offend. it probably was you. but much like almost everyone else in the world, i'm usually quick to let others slide so i can avoid a confrontation and never ask people to stand up to certain standards.

the next time i find myself in a crowded room and someone says something racist, or homophobic, or anything douchy, i hope this time i say something. cuz seriously, it's not me, it is you.

in the past, it was me.... but that's only because i was wrong.... i was wrong to bite my tongue and not let people know how i really feel and let them love me or hate me for who i am.... i've been wrong anytime i've compromised my  ideals for acceptance. that was me.

but from now on, i hope i got what it takes to do the right thing and let someone know:

'it's not me, it's you.'

today's profound commute

we were let out of work two hours earlier today for memorial day weekend. i guess the job figured they'd give us a head start on our big weekends... which is cool i suppose, although we do have staff that comes in on the weekends and monday as well, so it's kinda a half assed acknowledgement.... also letting people get a head start on the weekend, i gotta assume they know what i know, most people are out to go get fucked up this weekend... and the biggest inspiration for wanting to get fucked up in the first place i find is usually our jobs. so way to go job for letting us out early so we can get a head start on drinking away the thoughts of our job (i understand memorial day is much more than that... it's a remembrance for troops but mostly the only time anyone takes it there is on facebook... plus, if you wanna remember the troops, feel free to do that any and every day. much like my own mom, it takes more than one day a year to pay her back for her sacrifice).

anyways, it was nice to get out early and get a head start on things. even if i had no big plans till much later at night anyways. it's just good to be unchained from the desk. i left work and went to go catch the bus. i was there with a couple of coworkers and we waited and waited and waited and it never showed up. eventually a shuttle bus that drives around the office park showed up and we got on that cuz it could take us to a different stop where there were more frequent buses.

so we get on this shuttle and apparently the stop we wanted was the very last stop. it took forever to get there. the whole time the driver kept suggesting we get out at an earlier stop and try to grab something that none of us were familiar with. so we kept insisting the last stop will be fine.

i got out of work at 4:30pm. he dropped us off at our destination about 5:40pm. most of the head start our job gave us was wasted on commuting and driving around the local area and getting a good glimpse of all the stops that came before ours.

but i'm not complaining. that's the thing... i had no where to go. i had a book. i read most of the way or looked out the window at stuff and daydreamed a little. it wasn't a big deal to me. i was grateful to not be in the office. i coulda been anywhere... as long as i had a book and a window to look out of, i'd be fine.

but other people complained. and maybe they have a right to, i'm not sure. maybe they got more important things coming up in their immediate schedules. but maybe they don't. i think you can tell a lot about a person in how they handle a situation like this. and i'm not saying there's a right way or a wrong way... for all i know my method makes other people question the way i go about approaching things.

but for me it turned into an oddly timed chance to get to know myself and think shit out and whatnot... which is why i guess i'm trying to be so profound about a commute that got me home about 7pm, which is 30 minutes after my usual quitting time. i think i've done a good job carving out a lifestyle for myself where when shit like this goes down, i'm cool with it. i roll with it. it doesn't anger me or piss me off or stress me out. book (and/or music) and a window's all i ever need to keep me entertained. i'm in no rush. i don't have many obligations. and maybe to some people that's sad. but today i found myself in an extreme state of gratefulness for it.

and i don't think this makes me a slacker. i'm not a slacker. i work hard. i'm never late. i almost never call out. i run a lot. i read. i'm not some numb to the world couch potato. i'm out and about doing shit. i have a very eventful and entertaining life that's full of late nights, live music, good friends and good laughs. and i'm happy this way... happy enough that when i look out the window and see clouds, i think... well look at that, them clouds up there look awesome.

what do others see when they look into the sky? do they look into the sky at all? i wonder how many people take the chance when they can to catch a glimpse and take in the sky and all it might mean to them.

last night's nightmares

i remember two nightmares i had last night. it was pretty odd... i'm not sure if that's ever happened to me before. sure, i've probably had more than one nightmare in one night, but the thing with dreams and nightmares is we don't remember most of them. here i am some 13 hours later after i've woken up and i still have a semi clear idea of what was going on.

i don't know what inspired it exactly. i know last night i was part of what may be the worst comedy show i've ever been a part of. it's gotta be up there with one of my worst stand up comedy experiences ever. it was bad... very bad.... it may have been the final straw of a stand up comedy "career" that i've been contemplating putting to an end for some time. i'll most likely delve into the specifics of this more in a future post.

this is about the nightmares. i came home from the comedy show and it was late... and i was getting to bed later than usual on a wednesday night. and i was also hungry so i stuffed my face before i went to sleep. as soon as i was done eating, i hit the bed, not expecting much more to happen than the usual... me going to sleep minutes after hitting the mattress.

but that didn't happen last night. i don't ever suffer from insomnia or any sleeping problems. sleeping is one of those things i've never had an issue with... i pretty much excel at it actually. sometimes it's too easy. but not last night..... last night i tossed and turned for hours.

as hour number three of me not falling asleep approached, i decided to play a cd to see if that would help. i chose radiohead's 'amnesiac,' for two reasons: it was close to me and i didn't have to struggle to find it and i used to listen to this album a lot when it first came out when i would go to sleep. it was like a dark, twisted lullaby.

and it almost worked.... i fell asleep for 20 minutes but woke up again and once more i couldn't go to sleep. i put the cd on repeat just in case i did fall asleep again.... i didn't want the sudden silence that comes with an album ending to wake me up.

i struggled for another 30 minutes or so... and finally i got some sleep... maybe 4 hours altogether. it was broken up by the nightmares though.

the first nightmare was the worst of the two. it was very real feeling. it started with me waking up in my bed. i stood up and then my body froze. i couldn't move anything. i tried talking and i couldn't say anything. then i realized my vision was blurry... really blurry... i only knew i was in my room because i'm so familiar with it. if it had been any other room that i was unfamiliar with, i wouldn't know much about the details of the room due to the extreme blurriness of my vision. i stood there trying my best to move. all i wanted to do was wipe my eyes with my hands to fix my vision. all i wanted to do was say something, ANYTHING, to see if i could talk at all. but i just stood there. all i could do was think. i was very conscious of what was going on....all i could do was think... and all my thinking lead to panic. what was wrong with me? why couldn't i move? how was i ever gonna fix this?

and then i woke up... in my bed... unsure and uneasy because the nightmare had started with me in my bed. but this time i could move my body on command and i could talk out loud and i could see clearly. i heard radiohead playing in the background (that was missing in the nightmare). i knew i was awake. so i tried my best to move on with the night and get back to sleep.

that didn't take too long. but as soon as i feel asleep i fell into another nightmare. this one isn't as severe and the premise is silly.. but the feelings were nightmarish for me. i was a ghostbuster. there were four of us and we were at a large retail store like a walmart or target and there was some kinda ghost in there.... so we cornered it in an aisle and set up some sorta special ghost bomb and told them to evacuate the store immediately. they did. me and the other busters moved back and grabbed shelter from the blast of the bomb.

BOOM!

bomb goes off. me and the other busters run in with our guns and start shooting at the ghost. the bomb didn't kill or hurt the ghost at all. all it accomplished was making the ghost angrier. the ghost started taunting us and telling us it was gonna get us all. me and one of the other busters gave up and started running out of there and the thing chased us. it took the form of a bolt of lightning of sorts bouncing off of walls and chasing after us as we ran down a stairwell. no matter how fast we moved, we couldn't move faster than this lightning bolt ghost. the whole time it was taunting us, telling us we were going to die and it was going to kill us.

and then i woke up. i felt all sorts of fucked up. what could possibly have inspired two nightmares in the same night? i turned radiohead off and tried going back to sleep without music. worked like a charm. i must've been tired.

i woke up a couple hours later in a surprisingly good mood. i don't usually have crappy experiences when it comes to sleeping... that could be the worst, or one of the worst, nights of sleep i've ever had in my life. i was sorta ecstatic to start a new day and not have to worry about it for a while. i figure the hope of a brand new day could fix whatever's wrong and i wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.

i'm feeling okay about it all right now. i'm pretty tired so i'm hoping that helps with me getting GOOD sleep tonight. writing this may have helped also... just getting it out there and leaving it here as some sorta purging method to get it completely out of my system.

farewell to a nameless friend

i made a friend over the past couple of years while waiting for the bus to work. he used to take the same bus as me. but then my shift changed and i had to go in earlier. we didn't see each other as much after that, but he'd still go in to work early some days (or i'd be going in late) and we'd see each other again.

he was cool. it was cool to have this one friend within the confines of the whole waiting for the bus experience. that's all we had in common. but there's no other friend of mine who understands those 5-10 minutes everyday like he did... for those few choice minutes, we totally got each other... two dudes on the way to work via the wonders of public transportation.

i never knew his name. i feel sorta bad about that. he gave me his business card one day but i misplaced it and i could never ask him for his name again... i like the dude too much and it wouldn't feel right. in a way, it makes sense that i don't know his name. it's like outside of the vacuum that is waiting for the bus, we don't exist to each other. and yet, i'm probably cooler with him than i am with several facebook friends who i only seem to know by name. puts things in some kinda perspective... a reminder of what's really important in friendship.

anyways, i say farewell cuz i found out today that he's leaving his job in a week and going back home. home is the country, turkey. he's gonna travel a little first, then go back home. he was going in early today so chances are i won't ever see this dude again. he said he's been in america for 13 years and he's been in the restaurant business the whole time and the consumption of time has never changed. over all these years, no matter what he does or where he goes, his work shifts are 12-13 hours a day... sometimes with 1 or no days off each week. he's tired of it. so he's going back home to be around family he hasn't seen in all these years. he seemed psyched and full of hope and ambition about a fresh start. he didn't seem bitter about his time in america. there was no, 'fuck this place, i'm out,' mood going on. he just seemed like a dude who knew it was time to move on and change the direction of his path... and in so many ways, i respect the holy fuck out of that.

our friendship had an odd beginning. i blogged about it years ago.... won't dig it up now, think it's called, 'there's a line guy,' or something of that nature. but the story in brief goes as follows:

first time i met this dude, i went into a mcdonald's by my bus stop before going to work. it was busy and the line was chaos. this mcdonald's has two entrances so the line was unclear. i made my way in and awkwardly ended up in front of a dude who abruptly told me, 'hey, there's a line.' so i did the right thing and got behind him... even though it was still a confusing mess in front of me... but he had the right, he was there longer, he deserves to order before me.

so that was it. just that awkward run in and i never thought much more about it. but then when i went to get my bus, he was there getting on the same bus as me. i felt awkward cuz i figured he thought i was an asshole for trying to cut. i would think that if i thought some dude was trying to cut in front of me.

so we didn't talk. we waited for the same bus for weeks and never said a word to each other. and then one day our bus was late and he came up to talk to me about it. dude was super friendly, just your typical bus banter, "can you believe how late this bus is?"

and since then we were bus waiting buddies. farewell nameless friend. going to work sucks cuz the destination is work.... but having a bus waiting buddy makes shit a little cooler.

sick day

who gets sick in may?

seriously, how do i catch a cold in the first month of warm weather and beach pictures showing up on my facebook news feed? i had been proud of my immune system for protecting me for most of winter.... besides a little congestion and runny nose activity here and there, i was pretty much cold free all winter. definitely didn't have anything that inspired me calling out from work.

and i hate calling out from work... especially for being sick. there was a time when my philosophy was trudge and work through the sickness and save the sick days for when you're doing something fun. but shit ain't like that anymore. i woke up so miserable, in so much need of 5-6 more hours of sleep... there was no way i was gonna tackle the commute and show up to work in any sorta mood that would be good for a person who realizes they've just stepped foot into the office they will spend the next 8 hours of their life in.

but still, i look down upon people when they call out. i don't tell them to their face or anything... but i work in the department that takes the call outs for the entire call center. i've been doing it for years. i'm so numb to people calling out sick. it's to the point where in my head i either accuse them of faking or being weak (and on a side note... for the fakers out there, stop it with the sick voice. just stop it. we're not rewarding bonus call out points for best performance. i really don't care that you're not coming into work so save the dramatics). anyways... i was definitely not faking, so that made me weak... ugh... i don't wanna be weak... but i don't wanna leave my bed either.

so i called out and didn't leave my bed till like 3pm. that's a lot of sleep. i don't know if i needed all of it but it felt pretty good to sleep so long. i hope it helps. as soon as i got up, i contemplated going for a run... cuz i'm a runner and i already took one day off and i don't wanna derail my routine... and if i go for a run, maybe that'll help me not feel like such a weakling for calling out in the first place.

much like any run, the hardest part was getting up and going. once the run began, it was on... the body fell into the motions and what was gonna be a quick run just to show my body who's boss around here turned into a 10k. it was sloppy. i probably looked like crap. but i actually felt better running than i did at any moment in the past two days. i felt in charge. my breathing was fine. my congested throat was not an obstacle. the fact that i pushed it and went farther than i originally planned made me feel pretty awesome about the whole thing. i felt in control.... cuz that's probably my least favorite part about being sick... i'm not in control of my body. my body's doing shit i don't want it to. so take that body... i took you for a run whether you wanted it or not.

so here i am..... writing this and chilling out now... waiting on some chinese food i ordered... which included the biggest container of wonton soup on the menu which i can't wait to wolf down. i feel okay.... still sorta crappy... but pretty sure i'm going to work tomorrow. this hiatus is over. i got a routine to get back to... it's full grind tomorrow... work, run, and a standup set after work.

ramblings of the sickly and lame

i feel sick and i feel lame. i'm pretty sure i have a cold. it feels like a cold... although there is a part of me that's worried that it's allergies disguised as a cold... i didn't sleep too well last night so i'm thinking maybe lack of sleep + allergies = something that would feel like a cold. but i'm pretty sure it's not cuz it started yesterday with an irritated throat and got a little worse today... with much nose running and sneezing... i guess it's cuz of all the sneezing that i'm afraid it could possibly be allergies.

i only stress the issue cuz i really hope it's not allergies. if i have to choose between allergies to pollen and a cold, i'd rather have a cold. allergies are beyond my control. i don't like the idea that there's something that makes me feel less than 100% and i can't blame myself for it. if it's a cold, i can at least assume it was something i did (or better yet didn't do) that caused me to catch a cold in the first place. it's sorta like a hangover.... it feels shitty, but at least i know who to blame and i can always make myself the outrageous promise that it will never happen again.

the whole thing has me feeling lame. i was offered a ticket to go rock out and see a band tonight (hot water music, if you were curious as to which band) and i turned it down... cuz i'm a baby when i'm sick and i know what me standing around at a show for 3 hours or so will be like... i'll be miserable and not enjoying myself so i figure why be that sad bastard? that sad bastard should just stay home and not try and play nice with the world. i don't feel so awful about it cuz i'm not a super huge fan of the band (that's not a dis, just haven't heard a lot of their stuff). still, just knowing that i chose staying home and trying to get better over going to a show and possibly rocking out makes me feel kinda lame.

i had a really awesome four day weekend before all of this. i'm trying to sell this whole thing to myself as karma for all the awesomeness. i didn't just think i could have four days of awesomeness and get away with it, did i?

and i just finished reading, 'slaughter house-five,' (the kurt vonnegut book)... so in honor of that book, i'm gonna make a list and try and force my brain/soul to time travel back to awesome moments from the past four days:

-roadtrip with kevin, matt, irina! philly!
-finding out our hotel room has a balcony
-trying to find a place to buy beer and realizing the bar next to the hotel has $2 yeunglings
-drinking many of those $2 yeunglings.... talking about getting food, and then just ordering food at the bar
-mike the bartender (his name was mike, right?) cool dude, great bartender
-matt proclaiming, 'i could kick lebron james's ass!'
-COCK SPARRER SHOW!!! (legendary old school punk band, a band i thought i'd never get to see.... every song was a singalong... so much fun)
-looking for a place to drink after the show, went back to mike the bartender and his $2 yeunglings
-buying beer to go from the bar, bs-ing over beers in the room till we knocked out
-cheesesteaks from pat's (matt got one from gino's right after... had a bite of his cheesesteak from gino's, for what it's worth, i say pat's is better. but to each their own)
-barhopping in jersey city with george
-karaoke birthday party in nyc for jacob. THE ACE OF SPADES! THE ACE OF SPADES!
-two 10 mile running sessions around the lake, one on saturday, one on sunday
-lightning bolt tattoo on my calf!
-open mic at the rover. thought it was gonna suck. no one showed up till 11:30pm, then we pretty much had performers till the end of the night.
-much awesome tv watching: nba playoffs, snl hosted by mick jagger (seriously, it was good) and lady gaga on the simpsons (simpsons still got it, i don't care what the kids on the streets say)

so okay, the weekend was pretty fucking awesome. i never want to promote the idea of getting sick, but if every cold i ever catch follows four days of awesomeness, i could be okay with that... even if i seem like a sniveling baby at the moment.

blog over... off to the magical land of my couch where i'll be comforted by soup, tea, and a blanket.

running, tattoos, and a lightning bolt

i got a new tattoo today. it's a lightning bolt on my calf. it's pretty fucking awesome. the reason i got it is cuz i wanted some kinda tattoo to represent running. running's a big deal to me, it's a big part of my life. getting a lightning bolt on my calf just seemed like the right amount of symbolic for me. 

i'm not trying to say i'm fast like lightning (cuz i'm not). it's just my own way of giving props to myself and showing it to the world. i'm proud of this shit. i ran 20 miles in the past two days, 10 miles a day. it took me time to get here. i used to be a sad, self loathing, twenty-something alcoholic that judged people who exercised negatively. i used to think, 'what the fuck do people exercise for? don't they know we're all gonna die?'

and i get it. i used to think that way so i know what it takes for that to sound right... for that to be part of my life philosophy. like, fuck life cuz it's gonna end eventually. fuck taking care of myself... i'm just wasting time that could be better spent on drinking.

and to write this now, it's staggering to me that i used to think like this... but i did. i was there. i remember it clearly. and now i'm not that dude anymore... i'm very fucking proud of where i am and what i've done... 

the lightning bolt is a reflection of that. it's also a reminder.. keep on going, keep pushing. i can't stop running now. i just put a permanent reminder on my body of the pride i get out of it.

also, lightning bolts are fucking cool.

anyways, this might be my last tattoo till sometime in the fall. i figure i'll be spending some part of summer in swimming pools and ocean water... i already can't do none of that till this new piece fully heals (plus it'll need touch up work). so i'm probably looking at a swimming hiatus till july. which is fine... i'm not like some super swimmer... but when the option is available, i like to take a quick dip and fully submerge myself in water and mellow out and try to float on waves. i don't wanna be the dude who can't do none of that and has to sit on the sideline while everyone else enjoys it.

that being said, i'm sure i'll be in tattoo withdrawal by september. i already have 2 solid ideas that i'm most likely gonna commit to and get done... i have a ton more floating around in my head.... maybe this will be good... gimme a little time to gather my thoughts and plan out the next few pieces i want done....

next few pieces... wow... never thought i'd say that... i was tattoo-less forever... till age 32... now i got the bug. now i want more! 

funny how things change. just keep running forward. 

hire me ESPN!!

to whom it may concern over at the greatest channel of ALL time, espn:

i'm writing you this letter in hopes that you will consider offering me employment as an on-air sports broadcaster. i think i'd be a great fit with your company and we could do so many great things together. i'm an all around swell dude with a knack for entertaining vernacular and spot on sports analysis. 

my biggest asset would be my winning attitude. i watch a lot of sports and when i watch professional sports, all i see is winners. even the losing teams are stocked with winners. they won the moment they were chosen, the moment a team or an organization recognized them for their talents and said, "you, yes you, are worthy of so much of our money." behind every losing team is a list of winners who belong to winning families and are the fortunate recipients of generous bank accounts.

so when asked for analysis on who i think would win the big game, or even the little game, i'd tell it like it is... cuz that's who i am. i pull no punches for anyone. all you're gonna get out of me is the brutal, honest truth. and that's what espn needs a little more of... honest and bold truth tellers like myself who aren't afraid to step on any toes with their comments. 

that's why i'd tell the television audience watching at home that the real winner is them. the fans are the winners. it doesn't matter what game, what sport, what time or place... the fans will always come up as the winner. and how awesome is that? i'll be a constant reminder to the espn viewer that they always win. while athletes risk it all and never truly go undefeated on the field of play, the fan will always have a perfect record, will always bat 1.000, will always be the reason and inspiration for having any and all of this in the first place. the athletes play for them. espn airs for them. without the fans, it doesn't happen. you're perfect espn viewer, never forget that.... never!

and then the espn viewer would be a happier viewer. constantly filled with this confidence, they'll sit back and watch the commercials espn airs and will be more open to spending money on whatever it is you're trying to sell them, given their optimistic mood about how awesome they are. you're awesome so go buy cases of miller light! you're awesome so go insure your car with geico! you're awesome so order in some domino's pizza! i help make your fans happier people which in turn helps make your advertisers happier which in turn makes the big wigs in bristol happier. 

at this point, i'm sure you're thinking, "enough mr. wells, the job is yours." but just in case you need more convincing, here goes.

i know a lot about football and i have a fair amount of knowledge about basketball. much like anyone else, i love college basketball for one month a year. i know absolutely nothing about hockey so that alone should make me a natural fit over at espn. i bore of baseball. and let's be honest, who doesn't? when the top 10 highlight countdown plays in late july, the viewer is sick and tired of athletic catches in the outfield. that's why if i were given the opportunity to do the top 10, my catch phrase would be a sarcastic, "what a surprise, he caught it." it'd be huge. it'd catch on like wildfire. the kids would start saying it in the streets. you could put it on t shirts and billboards (with a fair amount of royalties for me since it is my brainchild).

but i would also shed light on lesser known sports that deserve a little more attention. and i think this would be a brilliant move for espn. it would make the entire network seem more encompassing and aware of the entire world of sports. i have a list of three, the big three, that deserve some tv time. 

1- bowling. c'mon! everybody secretly loves bowling. let's blow the lid off this secret and make it common knowledge already.

2- monster trucks. cuz monster trucks are awesome and there's no science to disprove this statement.

3- pro wrestling. it's popular like nascar, ten times more exciting, and the competitors actually have to exercise to stay in shape to do their job.

 pro wrestling would also be a great way to fill up your top 10 highlights of the day. all of the sudden braggadocios wide receivers with choreographed touchdown celebrations would have to compete with piledrivers off of top ropes into tables. you can pretty much say goodbye to baseball highlights forever, there'll just be no room for them (you're welcome everybody). 

also, wrestlers give the best interviews. you want press conference drama? you got it, tons of it. 

okay, but let's say for some reason, you're still not convinced (i can't see why you wouldn't be though). i can also be a serious broadcast journalist. i'd make it my duty to blow the lid off of a serious problem in sports. it's a problem worse than steroids. i call it, 'the god scandal.' if you take athletes at their word, god gets more credit for winning than steroids, practice, coaches, and teammates. how come every time someone's victorious, god found a way to be involved in the outcome? i'd get to the bottom of this right away. who knows, maybe even suggest a banning of god from all sporting events? 

but that's just me, a fan of the game in all it's purity. i don't want sports watered down or manipulated by any outside forces whether it be gambling, drugs, or religion. and it's because i'm such a fan of the purity of sports that i believe i'd be a great (maybe one of the greatest ever) asset to your company.

i appreciate your time espn. i look forward to hearing from you in the near future.

soon to be espn employee,

josh wells

vice president biden gets it

this post is probably a week late, but it's been on my mind, so here goes....

joe biden came out in a news interview a little over a week ago in support of gay marriage. in retrospect, i see it as a bold move... a vp talking that kinda unprecedented talk never really heard from a politician in such a high office before. joe biden has a way with words though and usually finds some way to make anything that sounds reasonable come across a little foolish.... it's usually nothing too crazy, but usually something that can't save him from the scrutiny of late night television monologues either.

he had to reference a tv show to back up his opinion. he referenced, 'will and grace.' in the eyes of vice president biden, 'will and grace,' is reason enough why america should loosen up and get behind the idea of gay marriage.

so okay, he said that. sure, it seems a little stupid. why reference fictional characters and a television show when we're talking about real people and a real issue? nobody wants their reality to be compared to something fictitious. it can come a across a tad insulting.

but after he spoke up about gay marriage, the president of the united states himself came out and publicly supported gay marriage a few days later. the vp had beaten the president to the punch. i'm sure this was all part of the plan... but still... just look at president obama's record on this issue. he's always been a little unclear. he's never fully supported it before this and he never fully condemned it either. he tried walking a convenient middle ground so as not to offend anybody. so it was nice to see the president, almost at the end of a full term, come out and finally tell us what he really thinks about all this.

so in a way, vp biden is the trailblazer, 'will and grace,' reference and all. this is the same vice president biden who was caught on a hot mic telling president obama, "this is a big fuckin' deal," in reference to the passing of healthcare reform. and you know what? it was a big fuckin' deal and it still is.

that's vp biden's thing... his shtick. he'll come out and drop an f-bomb and reference tv shows. and y'know what? that's the same language america speaks. america speaks television. and if it takes nonstop television references to help make the world a better place then i say so be it. if the end result is something positive, why question the method?

sure, it'd be nice to live in a world or even a country where all you had to say was, 'hey, homosexuals are people too. they're on equal ground with everyone else AND they have feelings.' that should be enough to make the case for anyone to say, 'y'know what? i agree. let them be happy and get married.'

but that's not how it goes. america is a tv nation. if we could make references to 'mash,' to broker world peace and end all wars, would that be such a bad thing? no. but would any politician actually take the risk of using a 'mash,' reference to try and sell the idea of world peace?

i know a vice president who might.

josh wells, envy of the laundromat

i did my laundry today. and as always, laundry entails a trip to the local laundromat.

it's always an experience, usually teeters towards not so much fun... but i try and make the best of it... cuz one way or the other, i have to get my clothes clean or else people will stop talking to me.

i'm a bachelor. i live by myself. i do laundry for me and only me. and though it's a chore and like most chores i don't enjoy it much, when i compare my situation to those around me, i don't feel so bad about the whole thing. i show up with one bag and can usually fit it all inside one big washer and one big dryer.

meanwhile i'm surrounded by parents and children who show up with several bags stuffed with all their clothing, bedding, and whatnot. they cannot simply settle for one machine. they usually need many. this is not going to be an easy process for them. they'll have to eye machines that are almost finished with the previous person's laundry and, more often than not, settle for machines that are far apart from each other.

me? i don't even divide my whites and my colors.

i walked in thinking this was a chore. but when i looked around, i saw a battle. this is no time for fun and games. for the parents that show up, this is a war zone, not suited for the meek and weak willed. the more children you have, the more severe the whole laundromat situation becomes.

and here i am looking for one quick machine. i'm in and out of there. it never takes me more than two hours... which is a time span that would feel like recess for most of them. once my machine's rolling, i'm free to do whatever. i have no kids to look after. sometimes i walk home and come back later. sometimes i go out to eat. sometimes i go grab a sandwich and bring it back to the laundromat and proceed to feed my fat face in front of everybody else. yes kids, i eat cookies after my sandwich. i'm an adult. i can do that shit.

sometimes i read books or listen to music. as soon as my clothes are in the confines of a machine, i don't have another care in the world. sometimes i'll play video games.

right now they have a hydro-boat-machine racing game that i played. i sat in the chair for player one and some random kid decided to sit next to me in player two's chair. he didn't play the game himself. he was satisfied to sit and watch and root for me. i came in sixth place out of fifteenth.... the kid sitting next to me made me feel like i won the game just by knowing how to control my hydro-boat-machine.

as soon as the game was done, i walked back over to the other side of the laundromat to see how much more time i had left. the kid sitting next to me got up and followed me. i turned around and he asked me to play again. i told him, 'sorry kid. i'm not playing again.' as i said this, i could feel the despair of some parent who realized their short lived break from their kid was about to come to a crashing end. the kid turned around and ran straight over to his parents.

i'm not knocking anyone for having children. i'm sure it's all the rainbows and joy they tell you it is on television. but i can't help to feel fortunate knowing that when i go to the laundromat, i'm in and i'm out. it's just me, one bag, one machine. i don't even fold there... i bring it home to fold. once parents are finished with laundry, they'll go home and they'll still have to feed their children or help them with homework or put them to bed. as soon as i exit the laundromat, my list of responsible things to do for the day comes to an end and i go home and watch playoff basketball. it's a pretty sweet deal when i put it into perspective.

why i have to root for the nj devils

let me preface this with stating that i don't know much about hockey. i'm not a regular fan, i hardly ever watch hockey... sometimes i'll watch a bit of the "winter classic" they show on new years day. so i'm a tourist. if you're a hockey purist, you can take joy in knowing that i don't know what i'm talking about.

the nj devils are facing the new york rangers in the eastern conference finals. and in this area it's sorta a big deal. anyone that's into hockey around here is usually rooting for one of these two teams. occasionally i encounter an islander or flyer fan, but let's be honest, fuck those people.

so i find myself naturally wanting to root for the nj devils. and i have many reasons for it... none of them being that i'm an actual fan of the hockey team. i can't even name two players on that team.

also, i'm a bit of a turncoat. i rooted for the rangers in 1994. i didn't know much about hockey back then either but my best friend at the time, eric, and his pops... they knew everything about those rangers. and it was goddamn contagious. so i chose my side back then and i rooted for the rangers and the rangers won it and all was well with the world and i really didn't care how devils fans felt about it.

fast forward a bunch of years and i actually went to a hockey game live. i got tickets through my job at the time and it was for devils vs. rangers in madison square garden (regular season game). i went in a rangers fan. but during the game, ranger fans were talking so much trash about new jersey... not just the team, but about my beloved home state, that when i left, i felt somewhat betrayed by the rangers fan base. i found myself wanting to change sides.

but since i don't watch hockey much, i never put much thought to it... till now...

new jersey needs something to be proud of beyond bruce springsteen. our reputation's getting pretty nasty elsewhere. the rest of the country figures we're all cast members of the jersey shore or real house wives or whatever other reality drivel is filmed in the garden state. long gone are the days when everyone thought we were all pasta fazool eating mobsters.

even though i don't watch much hockey, i do know it's a badass sport and there's fights and blood and knocked out teeth. i'd much rather jersey be known elsewhere as a hockey state than the snooki state. jersey needs this...

and we need it now. we just lost our basketball team. the new jersey nets went turncoat and will now be the brooklyn nets. it makes me mad and what's worse is that i kinda like their new fucking logo.... but that's besides the point.. they'll probably make some awesome trade in the offseason, get better, and actually sell tickets. it's infuriating. it's like the sports world has no love for new jersey.

all you have to do is look at the demographics of hockey fans in this state. up north i'd dare to say there's more ranger fans than devil fans.... and the farther down south you go, the more flyer fans you encounter. we can't even as a state unite behind one team... in fact not just one team, but the only team that rocks the name of our state with pride.

this is about so much more than hockey. this is about a state in crisis... the garden state, my home...

this is about new fuckin jersey!

closure

this could be about anyone... i hope...

i've been holding back an email that says 'i miss you' for almost a week. i'm too scared of consequences and what that will lead to. i just want to send it and be done with it and never have to read a reply from the intended recipient. it's an email that says, 'i miss you.' but it's a lot more selfish than that. i sorta want you to know i miss you... but mostly this is about me, about closure... about me seeking closure.

there's never closure. at worst there'll be a reply... a reply that means nothing, a reply that i'll read 30 times over and look into and over interpret till it means what i want it to mean.

at best there'll be no response.

i tell myself that missing people is natural. one day there's this person who's the person you talk to the most, the person you see the most, the person you wanna be around the most, the person who holds the most space in your text message inbox...

and the next day they're gone, all gone. it's all gone. a person simply vanishes... like they were never there to begin with. but they were. and whether or not i choose to acknowledge it, we all leave imprints on each other... sometimes good... sometimes bad...

i should always remember what's probably the most important lesson my dad ever taught me... that me missing someone can't force them back into my life. that was one of those 'learn by doing,' not 'learn by saying,' exercises.

it's all voids. i'm not even chasing closure. i'm filling voids and big, empty holes in my soul. i don't even think i miss people anymore. i miss feelings and conversations that run till they go empty....

not even two weeks ago i feared the end of a conversation... i feared running out of things to say... now i miss having someone to talk to till i run out of words... how nice that must be, how much i didn't appreciate that.

i don't know what i miss. i don't know if there is a such thing as closure. each relationship in life begins with so much promise and hope and beauty and so many end in sadness and disappointment. it's enough sometimes to make me hide my head in my shirt and never play the game again.

but that's no way to live life. what i need to do is stop seeking closure. there's no closure in life... ever. the only relationships that end right end with you dying in the arms of the one you love... and even then they live on without you... no one gets a fair deal ever.

what i need to do is appreciate what i have in my life. i've wasted so much time magnifying my imperfections and the things that i don't got. i need to stop and realize what's great and awesome in my life... my friends and family... the love i give and receive. the sunshine and the cool summer nights not so far away. the red hot chili peppers live in concert this past weekend and the availability of a hot cup of coffee on all corners of the world... there's so much that is beautiful in life... big things, little things... and i waste my time looking for closure to events that are already gone and burned in the furnace of the past.

i had a shitty day today. there were layoffs at work. i was sick of the corporate monster which made me sick of everything else in my life. i came home fighting urges to burn everything i own... as if that'd be some quick fix for every problem i added up and threw on my back.

i don't want to do this... but i have to take today and burn it... burn it like i wanted to burn all that i own. burn this day so that i know it's gone and tomorrow we can start anew. there's really no closure in that... nothing will be fixed... not much will change by the time my alarm rudely awakes me.... but if i can find the strength to burn today and with it the negative feelings i got going through me, then maybe tomorrow i can somehow get back to a place where i don't miss the past but instead embrace the moment.

fuck nickelback (subtitle: why nickelback represents all that is wrong with the world)

fuck nickelback!

they're watered down, over produced, plastic rock and roll music without soul. nickelback songs don't have any heart in them. they might as well be the finished products coming off of factory lines. a whole corporation stands behind the product while a marketing campaign convinces you that what you're hearing is the modern sound of rock and roll music.

it isn't and fuck you, it's not up for debate. i was raised on rock and roll. my mom famously will tell the story of how i could spell the words 'led zeppelin' before i could spell my own name. i would trace the letters off of the album cover for 'led zeppelin 2.'

rock and roll's in my blood. i don't need science or numbers or any other sorta math to prove it. rock and roll isn't about numbers, it's about heart and soul. you can't measure that, you can only feel it. you can't fake it and the music either has it or it doesn't.

nickelback lacks heart and soul.

and yet people accept it. they're super famous. they sell out arenas around the world. tons of people actually separate themselves from their money to help make nickelback even more rich and famous.

so i guess the ol' argument goes, if they're popular and they sell tickets and albums then i'm wrong. nickelback is good and i'm the fool. once again you're using math. math and rock and roll are two separate entities (unless you're 'math the band.' check them out if you get a chance). but fine, if you wanna use logic based on numbers, let's go down that road.

the billboard charts will tell you that nickelback is a great rock band. but the billboard charts is part of the problem. it's only based on numbers..... people are tricked into buying certain types of music based on the money, companies, and marketing that backs a band up. nickelback's got it made cuz they have an army behind them bribing them onto radio play lists, commercials, the theme song to monday night raw... etc, etc. if nickelback's music is everywhere, sooner or later the music becomes infectious. you almost become brainwashed by it. it's been repeated so many times, how can you not bop your head and sing along? and this isn't just a nickelback thing. this goes for all popular music. a band's overall success will usually depend on how much a company is willing to invest in them and back them up.

it's like fucking politics. big companies bribe their way into the game. they affect the laws that get passed. most politicians are only as good as the companies that back them. they usually serve the interest of those who invest in them. a lot of people would like to think that all politicians are pure but they're not... the whole system's corrupted... just like popular music.

our politicians are the nickelback of politics. we're stuck with them. they suck but it's all we know because they're crammed down our throats through all sorts of marketing thanks to the never ending money machines that back them up.

liking nickelback is supporting the destruction of an art form that's supposed to be pure (my favorite fucking art form at that). music is supposed to be a pure thing. but it's not. money and companies have fucked it up. if you were forced to find bands on your own by either going to shows or listening to radio hosted by dj's who choose the music they play (good luck, dj's don't call those kinda shots anymore), or word of mouth, you'd put your nickelback shirts to the best use possible as kindling for a bonfire.

any time you see something getting watered down or infiltrated by companies and bribery, all that's taking place is the nickelback effect. fuck these companies. go out and find real bands just like we should go out and find real politicians... and not just settle for the ones they tell us we're supposed to like.

mca aka adam yauch

mca died today. this makes me very sad.

let me start by proclaiming that i fucking LOVE the beastie boys! fucking. love. them. i wanted to be a beastie boy... in fact... fuck wanted, i still wanna be a beastie boy. if mca was still here and they offered me a fourth mic to come rock a stage with them, i'd do it in a heartbeat. if beastie boys was a company, i'd apply everyday for a position. it's probably the biggest ridiculous dream i have... me as a beastie boy.

the boys are my heroes! and i can't believe one of them is gone now. things will never be the same again. just knowing that there's no more beastie boys (i assume this... i doubt they'd continue on without mca... i'd think it to be blasphemous) is such a fucking bummer. didn't they just release a record? this isn't fair. they were supposed to keep the moniker of 'boy' to an even more ridiculous age than 47.

and that's what i love most about the beasties and mca. their sound was so youthful, playful, hippy-hoppy, bouncy, uppity, and positive.... there was always a sense of youth... a sense that no matter how old the beastie boys would ever get, a part of them would be forever young. adam, adam, and mike may get old, but never ad-rock, mike d, and mca.... those three don't age.

they were hip hop pioneer jokers growing out of punk rock plant holders. they made it okay to be a fan of rock and hip hop at  the same time. they always dared to mix the two together with much success.

for me personally, they made me feel okay about being a goofy white boy. the beastie boys were fucking cool... and they were also fucking goofy and fucking white boys holding their ground in the realm of hip hop. i never saw race in hip hop cuz i knew at a very young age, when i heard, 'fight for your right to party,' blaring out of boomboxes, that people of all backgrounds were invited to this party.

and party music it fucking was! in my house party years, i could've been easily convinced that beastie boys didn't make music for house parties, but people threw house parties to listen to beastie boys music. to this day i still believe that you have no business at all ever trying to get ill unless you own a copy of 'licensed to ill.' that album is the actual, official, gov't recognized license for all forms of illin'.

but it wasn't just the youthful, childlike, never grow up nature of it all.... as mca grew older he became more involved in serious type things like politics and spirituality. he's probably the reason my generation knows there's a tibet that needs freeing.

he's got more rhymes than he's got grey hairs, and as an aging grey haired beasties fan, i take a lot of comfort in that line. i've always seen the beastie boys as a guideline for aging. age like they age. keep that youthfulness about you. never stop having fun.

in november mca marched across the brooklyn bridge in an 'occupy wall street' march. this is no attempt to sway you on politics. but i can't imagine how awesome it must've been to walk across the brooklyn bridge into brooklyn with brooklyn's own mca. i wouldn't be able to hold back the urge to scream out loud, 'NO SLEEP TILL BROOKLYN!' until i had no voice.

i don't know what bridge you're on in life.... but i think we're all on a bridge trying to get to our own brooklyn's. today instead of mourning the loss of mca, i celebrate the life of a hero. in celebration i say let's all march our own bridges... and whatever's on the other side is your brooklyn.

and always remember:

NO
SLEEP
TILL BROOKLYN

rip- mca. you will be missed immensely. thank you for the music.

(music) falling in love again....

it all started a few months ago. i was at a poetry slam and a local jersey city poet/performance artist by the name of mad max recited a piece about music. it was mostly about how music on the radio nowadays sucks and how that inspires him to listen to the music he likes to listen to on his ipod and how that keeps him going.

that isn't to say i didn't like music before i heard this poem... i've always had a love for music... but maybe my love for it had dulled a little bit. whatever the case may be, this poem that i heard that night planted a seed that turned into something new and awesome instantly the next day. all of the sudden i couldn't keep the ear buds of my ipod out of my ears. i had hopelessly fallen in love, head way over heels, with music all over again.

it was around this time that i, for some reason or another, started listening to a shitload of 'against me!' i got all their studio albums and listened to them nonstop. i had known of and enjoyed 'against me!' before this, even seen them live. but i couldn't call myself a devout member of their fan club... before this phase i had just kinda dug their music from afar.

but now i found myself suddenly lost in a sea of 'against me!' i couldn't swim out of it and i didn't want to. if i drowned in their music before the batteries ever died on my ipod, i'd be fine with that outcome.

while i was consumed by their music, heavy shit was going on in my life. the music of 'against me!' was there during some pretty tough times. and like a good friend who has your back when you need it the most, you don't forget shit like that. i think that made the connection even deeper.

but eventually i can only take so much of one band's music. it's nothing personal against the band. no music fan should ever settle on listening to only one band all the time. you have to hear and appreciate different sounds. 'against me!' would remain the most heavily played music in my selection, but eventually the frequency would dwindle down a bit.

that was until recently.....

the pair of headphones i had were dying on me. they had been dying on me for sometime actually. the right ear bud played music at a way lower volume. i put up with it for a few weeks though. i probably shouldn't have.... i should've replaced them the moment i felt like i was compromising the experience that is listening to music... but i didn't. i dealt with the aging headphones until i lost all sound completely in the right end. it was at this point that i went out and bought a new pair of ear buds.

and that's when things got awesome again. i had gotten so used to a compromised music listening experience, that when i put both buds in my ears and put it on full blast, it was like i couldn't believe what i was hearing. i felt totally captivated by the sound. i had suddenly breathed new life into music. it was loud! it was full! and it was fucking awesome!

with music on full blast, i had no choice.... not even a full thought process... i instinctively went to the 'a's' in my music library and put on 'against me!' and boom, there they were again. their music was back in all it's full glory.

in a matter of a few months i had fallen in love again.... head over heels... i fucking love music.

suicide, death, life, and love

junior seau, the former nfl linebacker, was found dead today apparently from suicide.

i don't know a whole lot about junior seau. i don't know what lead to this decision. but he did it, it's done, and now it's all over the news and i'm once again forced to contemplate the concept of suicide.

my immediate reaction to the thought of suicide is that it's stupid and the coward's way out. i feel more bad for the family and friends suicide leaves behind than the events that lead to the person taking his/her own life in the first place.

but on my way home from work today, for reasons i don't want to get too specific about cuz it involves other people who may not approve of me writing about them, i had to also consider the concept of aging, getting old, and falling apart. and i was saddened by this feeling of helplessness. i was learning of someone who was in a really bad place right now and there was absolutely nothing me feeling bad about it could do to fix it. i felt completely helpless and totally mortal.

i'm not sure what one thing has to do with the other here. i can only walk away from today with two self imposed lessons:

1- give your love away. just do it. hug people. tell people you love them and you care about them. even if it's unwelcome, just do it... better to show love and be turned down than to never let people know you love them in the first place.

and i'm not suggesting anyone turn into a full blown hippie here and love the world. but love your loved ones. you got loved ones so show them they matter to you. that shit means a lot. there's a lot of people in dark places.... you never know what spark your sign of love might do to help someone else out. it might not help at all... but it might help a little so it's fucking worth it... seriously.

2- live it up. i don't know what that means to you. everyone lives it up differently. today i'm completely exhausted and my form of living it up will be vegetating on a couch, stuffing my face, and watching basketball till my body falls asleep. but maybe tomorrow i'll think of more awesome ways to live it up.

whatever it is you're doing, make it something you enjoy. try to avoid shit you don't enjoy. shit you don't enjoy is almost always gonna be a waste of your time and probably just lead to you doing more shit you don't enjoy.

so find enjoyment. show love. and keep doing both. i can't promise you that no one's ever gonna die again from anything cuz that'd be some fairy tale bs... no one can stop death. all we can do is improve the quality of life while we're here.

happy may day. some thoughts about ows

ows- the acronym for 'occupy wall street.'

you remember that movement, right? they haven't really gone anywhere. it's been kicking around doing its thing but with the volume a little lower than it used to be. it seemed much momentum for the ows movement was sorta lost when the nypd were able to lock down and effectively evict protesters from zucotti park (aka- freedom square).

so today, on "may day," ows organizers decided to try and throw together a a whole day jam packed with ows action. the idea was for everyone to call out of work and see how the country operates without the 99%. obviously not everyone called out of work today... but that was the idealistic vision behind it all. everyone would call out and take to the streets.

and take it to the streets they did (i didn't unfortunately). but i saw pictures and video and read stories about it throughout the day. there were all sorts of parades and gatherings and noise being made in new york city. and i was also seeing and reading things from other major cities across the country as well.

this makes me happy. i'm a big fan of the 'occupy wall street' movement (if you've followed this blog or known me for the past year or so, you know all about me and my brother being part of a mass arrest on the brooklyn bridge). i'm a big fan of anything that aims to make a whole lot of noise without the use of violence to try and get a valid, positive point across.

that positive point? mostly to get money and corporations out of politics. that's where all the problems begin. if you want to break it all down on how our economy got so fucked up in the first place, it can all be traced back to politicians' pockets being lined with filthy money from billionaires and corporations who don't give a fuck about the middle class or the poor.

and sure, other people come out and bring their messages with them too. stuff i usually agree with: no more bailouts for banks and corporations, end wars, tax the rich, reverse corporate person hood, reinstate the glass-steagall act, etc. it turns into a smorgasbord of what the fuck is wrong with this country at this moment in time.

so i'm glad to see it back and sorry i didn't partake in it. i had my reasons. my arrest on the brooklyn bridge was taken off my record like it never happened based on the condition that i don't get arrested in the following six months... that was january, so i have till some time in june before that little caveat goes away.

and it's not like i would go out on the streets with the intention to get arrested. but shit happens. there were many arrests today. when it comes to protesting, sometimes you're only getting busted for being in the wrong place at the wrong time and nothing else. plus, i wear my heart on my sleeve. i like to make some noise. i like to get up front and see what's happening. so taking all that into consideration, i figure enough people would do their part today and get things back into action.

but i plan to get out there in the very near future. i understand that for a movement to work, it needs people. and anyone who feels connected to the movement should feel some sort of obligation to get out there and be a body on the streets at some point. no bodies on the streets, no movement.

the most popular criticism i get from people who disagree with my participation in the ows movement is, what is it exactly i hope to accomplish by doing this? me, i just wanna make some noise. i just wanna be heard. if you look around the past few months, ows has brought light to some important issues, issues our politicians won't bring up unless the masses are in the streets shouting too loud to be ignored.

i can see how some people see all the protesting as an inconvenience to others around them. but shit needs to be said and screamed and most importantly heard. there's a lot of important issues that go on being ignored because people with big money don't care about them. we don't have the money but we have the numbers. it's just democracy people. come on in or leave a nasty insult in the comment section.