the disillusionment of a hulkamaniac

kids need heroes. and when i was a kid my biggest hero was hulk hogan. i was most definitely a hulkamaniac, one of the one's the hulkster would refer to when he'd scream:

"what cha gonna do when me and all of my hulkamanaics run wild on you!"

i was too young to know any better. so when the hulkster defied the odds every time he won a match after being whacked in the head with a steel chair, i cheered in amazement.... i felt as if i owned a little piece of those victories. when his music would hit and he'd make his way to the ring as the crowd erupted like never before in the history of professional wrestling, i'd actually get nervous. deep down inside i needed him to win cuz when the hulk won, i won brother.

hulk hogan had all the classic qualities for a boyhood hero. he had action figures and a cartoon. he showed up in movies and music videos. he gave his fans a cool name (well i thought hulkamaniac was a cool thing to be called anyways). and in the ultimate showdown, he pulled his own 'david beats goliath' when he body slammed andre the giant in the main event of wrestlemania 3.

except for a brief moment in time where the macho man randy savage got to shine as champ circa wrestlemania 4, hulk hogan would go on to defeat all contenders and overcome all challenges for the next 3 years. but 3 years later something happened.

that something was the ultimate warrior. he was new, exciting, fast, he screamed and kicked ass in such a fury. he wore bright make up and when he hit the ring, it was like an explosion of energy that had never been seen in professional wrestling.

while the ultimate warrior made his way up the ranks (quickly i might add), my hero hulk hogan was balding. he was slower and less exciting than the ultimate warrior. in my child mind at that time, the ultimate warrior was the embodiment of all things awesome.

knowing nothing of loyalty, i was no loger a hulkamaniac. i became a little warrior. and i was by no means alone. and at wrestlemania 6, in the main event, the ultimate warrior defeated hulk hogan to an eruption of cheers and fanaticism, simultaneously beginning a new era and ending an old.

hulk hogan would go on for a couple more years to remain in the main event scene in wwf. but it'd never be the same. soon the wwf was rocked by a steroid scandal. hulk hogan testified and things got weird. and then all of the sudden hulk hogan left wwf for rival wrestling company wcw.

wcw was always in the shadow of wwf. but hulk hogan made wcw suddenly more legitimate. more people started watching. it was fun to watch hulk hogan take on a brand new batch of bad guys that he'd never seen before. and that was fun for a while. but while this was happening, wwf was pushing younger stars, guys like bret hart, shawn michaels, and the one who would for sure put the heat on wcw to pick up the pace, stone cold steve austin.

wcw decided to pull out all the stops. and just like that, hulk hogan did the unthinkable and became a bad guy. he became the leader of a wrestling gang called the nwo (new world order for those that aren't in the know). and this was huge. hogan was suddenly fresh again. he went from prayers, vitamins, and exercise to cheating, spray paint, and group beat downs.

audiences would throw garbage in the ring whenever hogan or any of his nwo cohorts were in the ring. things would never be the same. hulk hogan would never again regain his status as hero. he was now the most reviled man in all of professional wrestling. he quite possibly pulled off being the greatest good guy and greatest bad guy of all time all in the same career.

but all any of this did was mask the fact that hogan was old. nobody wants old, balding heroes. people want to root for something fresh and exciting, something with energy. hogan was slow in the ring... or slow compared to the rising of youth talent he found himself in the ring with night in and night out.

hulk hogan could've been captain america. but captain america only works for so long cuz comic book heroes don't age. the aging of heroes leads to the end of heroes. hogan wasn't able to gracefully step away when his era of heroics was obviously finished. he wanted more. he did what he could to remain relevant. and while he succeeded in remaining relevant, he sacrificed all the hard work he put into being a hero.

he'd try a couple times here and there to come out as the good hulk hogan again. he went back to wwf for a little while. but at that point the kids were all about the rock. they only knew of hulk hogan cuz their parents or older siblings talked about him.

to this day, hulk hogan is still at it in tna. he's in his 60's and hard to watch or take serious when he tries to step in the ring. he did reality tv with his whole family and shortly after all of america watched as his family fell apart. the invincible hulk hogan is long gone and never to return.

kids need heroes. but it's important to remind them that we're all human and capable of being imperfect. too much idolatry will inevitably lead to disappointment. the real lesson here is that no one's pure or perfect. everyone is capable of letting you down. if the hulkster can do it, anyone can do it. but don't let that beat you down. i think people need to be their own heroes. we can all stand up against the bad guys if we want to. just go out there and do it. there's no reason to live it vicariously through grown men who throw each other around in their underwear......


......brother.

oj simpson eulogizes joe paterno

you never hear anyone talk about what a great running back i was anymore. it's like that was a lifetime ago... forgotten due to choices i've made since my nfl heyday.

i won a heisman trophy and an nfl mvp award in my life. i proved myself to be the best in the world at football on all levels. everyone knew it. i had nothing to prove to anyone that my performance on the field didn't already scream out loud.

joe pa. i have a nickname too. they call me "the juice." well not much anymore.... no one wants to say the phrase, "the juice is loose," in reference to me. i've been told that it just doesn't flow so easily out of people's mouths like it used to.

i sit in a cell day after day wondering why i've been damned to this existence. how did i fall from grace? the glove didn't fit. everyone saw it on tv. people wanna know why i would consider writing a book called, 'if i did it?' i guess it has something to do with the demons i've lived with for years now. i was sealed as guilty by public opinion long before a jury of my peers ruled otherwise. when the whole world relentlessly refers to you as a monster, sooner or later you start to believe it yourself.

you died joe pa. you left after living a long, full life. you were given the respect you deserved for the majority of your life. one bad decision didn't ruin the next 20- who knows how many years i got left to go. i don't wanna die joe. i wanna live. but i wanna live as "the juice" once more. i want the respect of my peers and the adulation of kids that i took for granted.

one bad decision.

rest in peace joe paterno. you sure as hell wouldn't have been able to live in it. i can tell you that from personal experience.

an open letter to giants fans (or why i'll be rooting for the 49ers today)

dear giants fans,

it's not all of your faults collectively. some of you are cool. but the majority of you are jets haters. you hate on the jets and you hate on jets fans. i've never understood this fully. if you're a fan of the giants, isn't liking the giants enough? isn't that the only prerequisite there is to being a true fan? why do most of you have this urge or need to hate everything about the jets?

and sure, we could blame it on the current jets. rex ryan and his big mouth. a locker room supposedly falling apart. an overrated quarterback who does gq photo spreads. but let's be honest giant fans, most of you were hating on the jets long before coach ryan rode into town.

we're not in the same division or conference. we don't compete for the same playoff spots. except for once every four years when they play each other in the regular season, there's almost no reason for either team to root against the other.

i know a lot of you feel that your team is the superior nyc area football team. and it's hard to argue. you have the superbowl victories to back it up. but why can't you just enjoy that for what it is without having to rain on someone else's parade?

and it's not like you wanna convert us. any jets fan that jumps on the giants bandwagon would still be victim to nonstop ridicule.

i've had enough of it. i've tried to be a positive dude all season and not hate on the giants. and i've done a good job of it. i even watched my jets lose to the giants with my homeboy matt who's a big giants fan and at the end of the game i said, 'well, the better team won today.'

and matt, i'm sorry dude. you are my favorite giants fan but since you're stuck at work today, i have no choice but to go against all this jets hating and say that today, for one day, i will officially be a giants hater. i will hate on the giants for all the hate i took from jets hating giants fans all year.

so go ahead jets haters. talk your trash. giants are one game away from the superbowl and i still gotta read jets hating facebook status updates. enough's enough. the only way i'll feel right about all things football related is if today, just for one day, i say....

FUCK THE GIANTS! GO NINERS! (that felt good, and fuck the pats too while we're at it.)

(matt, billy, doob, and alex... you guys are cool. sorry i gotta do this... hope you understand.)

snow day at the lake

i woke up to a text message from my dentist that said, "all appointments have been canceled today due to weather." i was slightly relieved because that meant i could sleep a few more hours.... but also sorta bummed out cuz i put a limitation on what i could do the night before cuz i wanted to wake up early to make the appointment. that and i'm gonna have to reschedule and go again anyways. when it comes to things like dentist appointments, i'd prefer to be done with it as soon as possible.

but i took advantage of the free time i was just given back and went back to sleep... one of my final thoughts being that if the dentist could take off for snow, i could take a day off from running today.

and then i woke up. i was on the fence about going out for a run. things like snow and rain are great cuz they make for good excuses not to run and it leaves me not feeling bad about it. if it's not bad weather, then i only have my own laziness to blame. so a part of me wanted to take advantage of this built in, guilt free excuse.

and then i gut checked myself. i don't have a coach but i imagined what a coach would say if i did have one. he/she would probably say something along the lines of, 'you better go out there and run you lazy fuck!' i guess that's how i would sound if i was a coach. i'm not sure if that's a fine example of good coaching, but it was the kick in the ass i needed. i changed into my running gear, grabbed the ipod, and hit the road.

and i was grateful i did. i hit the park not far from my house. they had done a semi-decent job of clearing the path around the lake. it was good enough to run, i just had to be a little more careful than usual.

i read in a book recently that if you don't feel like running, what you should do is push yourself to go outside and take a quick run around the block. once you get your body in motion, you'll usually want to keep at it for a little longer. and that's how i totally felt today. at first i kept thinking how much it sucked. but after a little distance and a couple 'against me!' songs i found myself embracing it.

i looked around and there was hardly anyone else around me. the lake is usually packed with people... even when it's cold there's usually a fair amount of people out and about. and while i don't mind other people, a big part of my own personal joy in running is the alone factor. it's just me, by myself... don't gotta worry about anyone else. for that time while i'm running, it's all about josh. and whenever there's a bunch of other people around, it kinda fucks that part of it up for me.

also the lake looked awesome. the water was half frozen over. there were ducks and geese chilling on the ice. everything was covered in snow and the sky was gray. there was a peaceful quality to it all.

i also felt awesome that i was toughing it out. i'm no tough guy... but i didn't see anyone else running around in the park. and it made me feel like i conquered something. my 5th and last lap felt like a victory lap. i was showing off for the audience of myself.

and while i appreciate my dentist for all the hard work she does (putting your hands in other people's dirty mouths for a living is way fucking commendable), for this day i felt like i bested her. i didn't use the snow as an excuse to not show up.

(please note: if you're my dentist, no hard feelings, eh? i'm not mad about it. in fact you inadvertently inspired me to do something healthy, so thanks! i'm gonna go brush extra now just in case you are reading.)

'waiting for superman,' rage

'waiting for superman,' is a documentary that points out some major flaws in the U.S. public education system.

and when i was done watching it i was filled with rage. but i don't exactly know who or what i'm mad at. if i had only one punch in the face to give for all of this, i wouldn't know who deserves it the most. i wouldn't know which one person is more to blame than anyone else.

and if i had unlimited punches in the face to share, i fear i'd totally exhaust myself before i got around to making sure that everyone who had it coming got their fair share.

not that i'm one to punch people in the face. in fact, i've never done that in my life. and though i can visualize it, i can't say that i know how to punch someone in the face cuz i'm untested up to this point in my life. i don't wanna punch anyone. i wanna try and fix problems instead of making them worse.

but i have so much anger and i don't know where to direct it all.

i could start with bad teachers. if teachers were a sport team that i rooted for, i imagine me, espn, and the sports blogosphere would fearlessly call for the firings of anyone who we feel doesn't make the cut. as soon as the team does cut them, they would go out and find someone else who's better at that position. and that's sports. what teachers have to deal with is way more important to society as a whole (even though paychecks unfortunately don't mirror that concept).

also, we should be more passionate about the good teachers. they deserve a lot more praise and gratitude than some millionaire stranger who scored a game winning touchdown last sunday.

but even if our schools try and fire bad teachers, they run into a confrontation with the teachers' union.

before i continue, i'd like to note that for the most part i am a pro-union dude. i'm all for workers' rights. we wouldn't have great stuff like weekends, vacations, and benefits without unions. even if you don't belong to a union, the existence of unions have paved the way in some shape or form for most forms of employment in the U.S. so that's good, right?

but why do unions so valiantly fight against the firing of bad teachers? they're doing the job wrong. so now i'm mad at the unions (and a little mad at myself for being so pro-union that it took me seeing this documentary to even budge from my total pro-union stance on this issue).

i can definitely point some anger at the government. they've provided the atmosphere to allow it all to get this way. every president, governor, senator, and congressman/woman talks the talk when it comes to education... but if you look at the current product, it's hard to think that many of them walk the walk.

and i'm sure i can direct more anger towards administrative types in the education system... the principals and superintendents that push pencils but won't push the status quo. they stand on the front lines and see the war at hand and see how bad it's looking for us but won't call for backup because that might offend a commanding officer above them.

i could direct some anger at parents. parents play an interesting role in all of this because in one sense they're totally victims. but i'm sure many a blind eye has been turned to the scene at hand that involves the education of their children.

but why stop at the parents? i don't have kids... but that doesn't excuse me to stand idly by and let shit fall apart. education = future. whether any of us like it or not, we all got a stake in that. we're all part of a foundation for things to come. if a good number of us don't care enough to make some fucking noise about this, how will shit ever get fixed? it'll all be doomed to only get worse.

and maybe that's what angers me more than anything.... we're all to blame. it's right in our faces and we all made a silent agreement to do nothing about it.

late blooming, my 20's, and one looooooooong post

"what you gonna be when you grow up? i'm all grown up and still don't know what."- atmosphere


i envy people who know what they wanna do with the rest of their lives. i'm still confused. not sure how at age 32, i haven't got this figured out yet.... when i was 17 all i wanted to do was write the next, 'pulp fiction,' or join the beastie boys. neither materialized. i guess that's what i get for dreaming about things with absolutely no hustle to make those things happen.

i went to community college for almost 2 semesters... i was confused... i forced myself to sign up for some kinda higher education after high school. i chose a major in 'liberal arts.' it couldn't be more obvious that i had no idea what i wanted out of life.

and then i dropped out... middle of the 2nd semester. and then drinking started happening. i was a late bloomer with the partying. i didn't drink a whole lot in high school. if i ever did, it was all peer pressure... just trying to fit in which lead to a lot of vomit.

but when i dropped out of college and got a job and started earning a modest paycheck, that's when i fell in love with booze. i fell hard. i was perfectly content to spend all i had on booze fueled good times... cuz it wasn't necessarily the booze i loved but the places it brought the party. everyone i knew was 17-19, shit was reckless and by reckless i mean really super awesome and fun.

and then i got another job, at a sheraton front desk. i worked there for 3 years. for all intent and purposes, i refer to these 3 years as my college years. i crashed cars, had sex, experimented with other drugs, and made my mom cry. i figured i could balance out the good times with the hotel job and that the hotel job would hold me down. i saw room for advancement and thought that i could make a career out of this. i saw kids with hotel management degrees that didn't mean shit to hotel mangers. i knew this was a great field for a college dropout to compete with the competition that had that piece of paper.

i didn't enjoy the work very much.... but i enjoyed pretty much everything else... i turned 21 at the sheraton. then i started hitting the bar scene with a vengeance. i practically had a different bar i went to for each night of the week.

still, no amount of good times could drown out how much i didn't enjoy the work that i did. so i took a chance and applied at a coconuts music store. they needed an assistant manager in their east hanover branch. interview went well and i got the job.

i thought this was it. assistant manager at a fucking music store! it's gonna be high fidelity and empire records every day. can't wait!

and it was awful. it was corporate. everything was handed down a chain of command to us from a district manager. i had 2 managers that walked the company line. one was cool, the other was an insufferable bitch of a middle aged woman.

there was jealousy when i got there. apparently people wanted the job i just received (this is where i learned it's really hard to be hired from the outside to tell other people what to do and i'll always have a certain amount of sympathy for anyone who ever has to go through the process). and i was a sucky manager. i suck at telling people what to do. i'm no authoritarian.

sometimes i would be left in charge of the store. those were the only times i enjoyed working there. i let the kids who worked under me pick cd's to play and we'd pretty much stand around and bs all day/night about music and movies. we'd get the store clean and stock stuff but that was about it.

i thought i was well liked by a few of the kids that worked there. but i found out months after quitting that job that they stole money on my shifts. bummer.

i quit that job with nothing else lined up. i found myself unemployed and desperate for a new job. i had to buy beer and put gas in my car somehow. so i fell back on my experience and applied at a bunch of hotels. one of them gave me a job but at a low pay rate.... i took it anyways... better than nothing.

job had a few notable highlights. i got drunk at work once. i met 3rd string wide receivers from the giants who would bust my chops about being a jets fan (but in a cool way). and i met a roadie for tom petty who gave me tom petty and bob dylan schwag.

manager asked me one day if i wanna work christmas. i said no. he said i'd have to but that he'd give me the late afternoon/evening shift. i said ok out loud but decided internally that i would not only NOT be there on christmas, but i would never go back there again.

boom. unemployed once more. but it didn't last long. i found work at a call center. and i'll be goddamned if 9 years later, i'm still at that call center doing office administrative/i'd describe my job more but you wouldn't understand-type stuff.

i was 23 going into the call center. i had a car. i had a girl. shit was starting to look good again and i got comfortable.

about a year into that, i was arrested. DUI. i was hammered. i had no business being behind the wheel. but up until that point i thought i was a good drunk driver which is a stupid thing to think.

that set me back quite a bit. a DUI is expensive. i lost my license. and suddenly i was paying a monthly insurance fine/fee because of it. i found myself forced to get my shit together on the bill paying front.

eventually i got my license back. a few months later i crashed my mom's car (with my girlfriend in shotgun, her side took the brunt of the damage... but she was okay... just fucking scary when it happened). my mom took it in stride but her insurance company didn't. they kicked me off her plan.

i had a car at the time (i drove my mom's cuz it was a nicer car... once again, what a stupid thing to think). when i lost my insurance, i decided to get rid of my car. with no car and no insurance payment, i could try and save up some money.

that worked out pretty well. one fateful day my buddy roy gave me an application for an apartment in the building he was the superintendent of. i jumped on it. i got the apartment and me and my girlfriend at the time moved in.

the apartment was awesome and it was awesome to be on my own. and the rent was super cheap (still is, i still live in that apartment, mainly cuz it's still super cheap.... never mind the old, dilapidated building falling apart around it).

but young love is fleeting. me and the girlfriend at the time lasted about six months. she moved out and it was ugly... or at least it was ugly for me. not so sure about her. but i fell into a depression that i didn't believe existed. this started to become an extremely dark time of my life and would plant the seeds of shit i feel like i'm still fighting.

my mind frame at the time was pretty much, fuck the world, i'm gonna be drunk as much as possible and i'm gonna keep drinking until the wheels fall off. i didn't care about my health. all i wanted was the comfort of an unending head buzz. at this point of my life, i'm about 25.

i also started doing cocaine... and a fair amount of it. the thing about having an apartment is i provide the place and everyone else provides the debauchery. and at this period in time, cocaine was all the rage in my circle of friends. i pulled all nighters and i'd cry the next day when i woke up at 8, 9pm and realized i lost an entire day. the grief wouldn't last for long. i'd wash it down with beer and paste a fake smile to my face. to the world, josh was a-ok.

and then i met someone else. it was st. patrick's day. i went to the parade in nyc with some friends and it looked like one of my other friends wanted to hook up with her. but somehow, someway a convo goes a certain way, and she ends up at my place with me that night.

i woke up and she was gone. but her phone number was on my table. i called her immediately.

she lived not far from me.... with her 2 year old son. she was in the middle of a divorce out of a nasty marriage. we hung out and i took to her. i'd sleep over and she'd cook me eggs and her son would throw stuff and jump on me and for some reason i was fucking happy. and she was nuts about me. i started feeling worth something.... like i didn't wanna drink till i die anymore.

the honeymoon didn't last long. it wasn't her fault. her ex-husband got jealous and started stalking me. he got my phone number. he'd stalk my myspace page. in one of the more brilliant moves i ever pulled off, i asked all my friends on myspace to write, "fuck you (name here)," on my page for him to read. he read it and got pissed (he got pissed at me when he shouldn't have been on my page in the first place... but anyways.. back to the point at hand).

this went on and i wasn't strong enough to deal with it. he'd tell me they were still together behind my back. he was persistent. and i was weak. i'd drink to try and forget about it. and just like that... i was all about the booze again.

we tried to make it work... but we couldn't do it. i wasn't tough enough at that point in my life to deal with that situation.

all the sudden i'm 26. what the fuck was i doing? i decided to throw myself into something... anything... so i took some improv comedy classes in nyc. i went through 3 levels of it which is 24 weeks of classes and 3 shows. i had fun with it and met some awesome people. but it didn't stick.

one momentous day i was in nyc with a friend... we were high as hell... and i said to him... 'hey man.... i got an idea. let's start a record label.'

we conversed with two other friends of ours and they were in. we were excited by the idea. they were all musicians. but i didn't have a discernible talent. i was gonna be the guy behind the boards (even though i didn't know shit about the science of music).

somewhere along the way we decided to start an open mic. they'd get to showcase their skills and the idea for me was to be the host. but i wanted to perform something. so i decided i'd either try stand up or poetry. i wrote a couple of poems and a few jokes... and on that first night i went head on with the jokes... and i've kinda never looked back (i've performed a poem here or there.. but not my strong suit, don't feel as natural about it).

i'm proud to say the open mic we started is still running to this day, sunday nights at the wild rover in guttenberg, nj.

however the record label fell apart. it never really came together in the first place. we bought a bunch of recording gear and never used it. we couldn't overcome certain internal disagreements and all momentum died.

during that time i met another girl and we had an awfully toxic relationship. i'll take the blame for some of it. i was still drinking heavily and there was still a part of me that wanted to do the whole live fast, die young thing. we didn't last.

but she ended up dating one of my best friends. this hurt a lot. i'd like to think that josh today wouldn't have been so hurt by it... i was extremely more sensitive at the time. i didn't have the ability to be like, 'fuck you both for being assholes.' i probably would've felt a whole lot better if i got that out of my system.

and there i was... single... feeling betrayed by a best friend. mourning the loss of a record label that never happened. and i wasn't even sure about stand up. what was i doing? i was still drinking a lot so i fell back into my old, negative "fuck the world, i wanna die young" mind state.

i also found myself sitting around and watching a disgusting amount of television. i noticed that i had developed a beer gut. i had taken being skinny for granted my whole life and now shit was starting to get serious.

it's the beer gut that finally made me sick with myself. it hit me hard. how did i let myself become this pathetic, alcohol soaked loser? and what the fuck did i plan to do about it?

and then one day i got up and went for a jog. it sucked. i had no stamina. i went home defeated. went to work the next day, got home and went for another jog.... a little longer of a distance this time but still not a whole lot.

but i kept going. and i loved it. the pain turned into transformation. i started to feel awesome about life. jogging not only had me feeling better physically, but mentally as well.

that was about age 28. i still jog. in fact i run now. i average 4-4.5 miles about 5-6 times a week. every so often i knock out a 6-8 mile run when i'm feeling up to it. this has been by far one of the greatest improvements in my life.

and those were my 20's. i guess you could throw quitting a 10 year cigarette habit in there somewhere as well (age 26).

but to this day, i still don't know what the fuck i wanna do with my life. i don't wanna call my 20's a complete waste... but i spent most of it in a boozy fog. 30 came quick and i had no plan other than to stick it out at the call center (which is an ok plan... just not living the dream).

i still do stand up.... i'd be lying if i said that's the plan though. i have fun with it but i don't go after it like it's the plan. sometimes i think about it and what it would take to make a living doing that and most of me wants no part of it... touring, no health care, working on holidays, always away from home, hecklers, and other asshole comics.

i like home. i like north bergen, nj. i've planted roots here. i have family and friends i love and are such a part of my life. i don't wanna leave this. if i can make something work, i want to make it work here.

i got some ideas. but there's nothing i grip on to and say, 'yea, that's what i'm doing with my life.'

whenever i begin to worry about it, i try and tell myself to not let the worry get the best of me. when i sit and consider what to do with my life, i need to realize that life is happening right now... and what i got isn't so bad.


Jules: I'll just walk the earth.
Vincent: What'cha mean walk the earth?
Jules: You know, walk the earth, meet people... get into adventures. Like Caine from "Kung Fu."

hey jules, if you need a buddy, let me know. until then, i'll be jogging at the lake at james j. braddock park trying my best to enjoy the ride.

talking to strangers (the nyc subway edition)

why don't strangers regularly talk to each other on the nyc subway?

i don't wanna point at that and say that's what's wrong with the world. but i will point at that and say that this is proof that there is something wrong with the world.

i'd heard rumors that right after September 11th, 2001... for just a little while, people would talk to each other and be nice to each other on the subway. for a brief period in time, i'd hear stories and tales of strangers courageously engaging in conversation with one another, not afraid of what the other person might think of them or what may come of it.

of course, those are just rumors and i can't confirm them... i didn't ride the subway much at that time.

but assuming for a moment that did really happen, why does it take tragedy to bring us together? why do we wait till that point in time to ease up and drop our collective guard and be more comfortable and friendly with one another?

in one sense, it's a little reassuring to know that we at some point have a level we reach where we do talk to each other on the subway... but knowing that we have that potential to do so inside of us, why not practice this more frequently?

in a conversation the other day, i was practically scoffed at for wishing out loud that strangers would talk on the subway. i got a, 'what are you, crazy?' i don't know why that makes me seem crazy. i think it's crazy that we as humans can't relate to each other out on the streets.

maybe i'm a dreamer. maybe i'm a fool. maybe if i did end up talking to strangers on the subway, it'd blow up in my face and i'd end up not liking the people i meet or the conversations i find myself in.

but i'd rather a world where we talk to each other on the subway and we learn not to like someone before assuming all strangers will end up being people that we won't like. i'm sure we'd all get burned eventually.... but it'd be worth it for every time we'd meet someone awesome.

my slight obsession with the rolling stones, "shattered."

the older i get, the more i like the rolling stones song, "shattered." something about hearing it more and getting older that helps me appreciate this song more and more.

the first time i ever heard this song i thought, "are you fucking kidding me? what the fuck is this? the rolling stones can lay any turd and sell it for millions." at first listen, it sounded like they weren't trying very hard on this one. they kinda went in a studio somewhere, went through the motions of what at bare minimum makes a song and came out with, "shattered."

i couldn't stand it and didn't get it and if you had asked me at the time, i'd have said i never will.

now many years have passed and i've had to hear this song countless times. this is one of those songs you'll never stop hearing. classic radio will spin it till radio's dead. classic rock dudes and dudettes will put it in their party play lists. it'll be played on bar jukeboxes forever more.

and that's what confounded me.... obviously tons of people not only like, but love this fucking song. but why? it's the stones! they've done so much great shit, produced so many classics. why waste any space anywhere in the world with this song.

and then i realized i wasn't even really listening to the song anymore. i had made my judgment on what i felt about the song and anytime i heard it anywhere, i stuck to that judgment and blocked the song out of my brain. yea it was playing, but i had always downgraded it to background noise that demanded none of my focus.

and then at some point i thought that's kinda a dickish attitude to have. i really had only given this song one chance... maybe it was about time i gave it another try.

and then i liked it. i can't explain the specifics. maybe my tastes changed... who knows... all i know is i opened my mind to it and i was now among the masses who enjoy, "shattered."

i'll still stick to the idea that this isn't the best stones song out there. and i think only the stones could get away with writing this song and turning it into a hit. if some unheard of band tried to write this song today, it'd never see the light of day. this isn't the kind of song that makes a band. and to get away with it, you need a boatload of street cred.

and who has more cred than the rolling stones? they earned the right.

so at your next party or get together... or next time you're throwing together a play list... throw a little "shattered" up in there. with the right attitude, i think you'll dig.

and now for your enjoyment:

my uncontrollable disdain for humanity

i wanna see the best in people. there's a part of me that really wants to believe that if not all, then most human beings mean well and are good people deep down inside.

this is what i want to believe. but there's a lot of things i want to believe... stuff like playing the lottery is a safe investment for my future.

i've worked in or around customer service for damn near 14 years now. and the unfortunate downside to customer service is that you are forced to deal with the ugly side of people again and again and again. not a day goes by that some customer doesn't try to ruin my or a coworker's day. 14 years of seeing this first hand... it's hard not to be discouraged when it comes to seeing the best in people.

all the customer service employees of the world would be hard pressed to disagree with me. and what's even more discouraging is to talk to people who work in customer service, and hear them tell stories about their experiences with customer service somewhere else outside the job. it's a total bummer to know that people who make a living out of being other people's verbal punching bags can turn around and verbally beat the shit out of the next customer service employee they have to deal with. you'd think customer service employees would be nicer about this sorta thing since it's what they do for a living. but i tell you firsthand that there's a fair amount of people who work in customer service that got no respect for other people that work in customer service.

and i get it... customer service is the face and voice of the companies that fuck people over. someone's gotta hear it, right? but we're not evangelists. call centers, retail stores, restaurants... these aren't fields of dreams. people aren't here chasing their passions. you'd think in the rat race of a world we live in today that people would understand that and be just a little bit more compassionate. yea, sorry the company that pays me fucked you over... but i didn't do it personally.... i'll try and fix it but you don't gotta be an ass about it. i'm a person just like you....

customer service is proof that the golden rule is dead. i wonder if it ever lived to begin with or if it's some trumped up myth that never existed.

beyond customer service, i do stand up comedy. and that's another venue to watch the awfulness of people. i've been yelled at, ignored, berated, and threatened by people who are in the audience. sure comedy can be a touchy thing, but it's just comedy. it's just a dude (or dudette) trying to be funny. and maybe sometimes they're falling short of being funny... but they're trying. shit takes courage. stand ups for whatever fucked up reason need an audience's acceptance. here we are, throwing ourselves out there in front of you trying to be funny..... even if it's bad comedy, isn't it still somewhat commendable that people even try to make you laugh? existence can be pretty shitty sometimes. here we are going out of our way for who knows what reason to try and make a little bit of your day a little better with laughter. give us a break up there.

so many nights end with me saying, 'fuck that person.' it's like any time i grab a mic, i'm guaranteed to add one more person to my 'i don't like that motherfucker' list.

it's through these experiences that i realize there's a shitload of people that are shitty and they're not even trying to be shitty... it's like their naturals. the world's full of naturally shitty people. i wanna like you humanity.... but sometimes i get the feeling that you don't wanna be liked.

anti-awkward

awkward. you can't stop it. awkward happens. life is full of awkward moments and we're usually never given much of a break before that next awkward moment in life arrives.

so when i say anti-awkward... i'm not anti-something that can never be stopped. that'd be as ridiculous as claiming to be something like anti-gravity. it's a thing in nature we're forced to deal with.

however, what i am against is those who refer to themselves as awkward for whatever reason... maybe it's cuz they feel out of place or maybe they think it's cute or hip. maybe it's all part of the dork pride movement. and dorks, i'm with you brothas, i'm one of you. but some people take it too far and refer to themselves as awkward and i think awkward is one of those things you should never aspire to be.

to feel awkward is to feel out of place in the world and in turn feel overly self conscious about it. being out of place with the world is nothing to be ashamed of. if there's something about you that makes you different or odd, you should wear that shit like a badge of honor. don't let the status quo of your environment around you get you down.

the world needs you. if it wasn't for the odd and the out of place, the world would be a way more boring place. everyone would be a copy of a copy of a copy and we'd all be the same boring thing.

it's a bigger shame to put effort into trying to be like everyone else. trying to fit in is bullshit and yet it seems like everyone's doing it.

deep down inside no one fits in and we're all uniquely fucked up in our own crazy ways. bravo to those who flaunt it. you are secretly the toast of those around you who are too scared to act out of step with the rest of the world.

don't be awkward. be weird. be different. be loud. be proud. be you unapolgetically.

the ones that should be apologetic are those who repress who they are all for the sake of fitting in. that's gotta be awkward.

barricades

this story is about new year's eve... sort of... mostly.

a few of us decided to hit up zuccotti park (aka freedom square, where all the 'occupy wall st.' business goes down) to bring in the new year. we showed up around 10pm and when we first got there things seemed a lot calmer than i ever remember that park being in the height of the occupation.

that all changed shortly after our arrival. a few minutes after we got there, someone was being chased inside the park by cops. i'm still not sure why... but it chased all the calmness right out of the park. two cops suddenly found themselves inside the belly of the beast. sure, they successfully made the arrest... but they were suddenly surrounded by tons of people holding out cell phones and cameras... everyone filming them, everyone screaming and chanting.

as the 2 cops dragged the one dude away, more cops showed up on the scene (there were actually tons of cops there... they were surrounding the entire perimeter of the park). the action spilled out onto the street. the cops dragged the arrestee away into a police van, the entire time surrounded by an ever growing crowd of lights, cameras, and chanting.

as this was going on, the vibe turned restless inside the park. there were barricades surrounding the entire park (the type of barricades that looked more like those fences that you chain bikes to). at first people inside the park started to push the barricades into the streets. the cops would push the barricades right back. then it escalated into people trying to grab the barricades and bring them into the park.

this is when shit got crazy. every time a group of people tried to grab a barricade, they were met with police opposition. cops started grabbing antagonizers and arresting them. this didn't stop the barricade grabbing though. that's when the pepper spray started flying. and it seemed every time someone got hit with the spray, they'd back off the front line and someone would fill right in from behind them and take their place.

at first it seemed futile, but that wasn't for long. soon people were grabbing barricades and getting into tugs of war with police for them. then cops started losing some of these tugs of war. barricades were being ripped from their hands and dragged into the middle of the park. every time a barricade hit the ground in the middle of the park, another attempt was made to grab a new one. this went on for some time.

the police tried to keep fighting. they were able to make some more arrests and more people got sprayed. but nothing would stop the relentless onslaught of barricade grabbing. soon, in the middle of the park, a pile of barricades turned into a hill of barricades turned into 2 hills of barricades. people gathered on top of them and hooted and hollered and celebrated... it was new year's eve after all.

an attempt to grab the barricades back was made by the police. two cops boldly walked into the middle of the park and started grabbing barricades and bringing them back outside the park. this maybe lasted about 3 times until the crowd around the barricades grew the courage to try and defend the barricades. the cops were outnumbered and they walked away.

and all of the sudden it was 11:40pm-ish.... and the vibe in the park turned into elation and celebration. people were playing instruments, glitter was flying, everyone was making some kinda jubilant noise. midnight came and 99 balloons were released into the air as the masses celebrated, none louder than those who stood upon the barricade mountain that had evolved in the middle of the park.

we left shortly after it turned midnight. i left feeling pretty happy about things. i hadn't gotten involved, but i felt like there was a celebrated victory in the park that night... a victory only we would know about, a feeling of glory that would never happen again.

for the record, i don't support the antagonizing of cops just for the sake of antagonizing cops. but the barricades were symbolic. they planned to keep us locked in the park that night and off the streets. but for the most part, the masses that had gathered had planned to do exactly that, stay in the park. we didn't need barricades to tell us to stay in. we were gonna stay in... zucotti park was our home for that night and this was our house party.

grabbing those barricades was a way of shouting, "YOU CAN'T CONTAIN US!" maybe the method's a little off, but the passion... the passion is fucking beautiful.

that being said, we decided to head back to jersey which turned into one hell of a cluster fuck. we got caught up in the times square area trying to get to the bus station but everything was blocked off and they weren't letting anyone walk up and down certain blocks. it seemed you had to walk 10 blocks out of the way to get anywhere. and each street was blocked off by police and barricades, the same type of barricades we just saw occupiers at zucotti park make a mountain out of.

we didn't start grabbing or do anything bold like that... but there's some kinda lesson i picked up on that night.

they use barricades cuz they don't trust us to govern ourselves in these types of situations. i may have been more offended at times square than at zuccotti park by the barricades. this was basically they're way of saying, 'we don't trust you to walk down the street around here on your own.'

and maybe they have a point. maybe if they're not there people would go crazy. but then again, maybe they wouldn't. i don't know the answer to that and nobody else does either. what i do know for sure is that me, personally, i didn't need those barricades. i would've walked to the bus stop and kept to myself and been trouble to no one. i was just a dude trying to get home.

and that's what kills me! the one thing i know for certain is i can handle walking to the bus stop to catch a bus. but here i was, totally inconvenienced by barricades and forced to walk around for way more distance and time than necessary just because they don't trust me to walk down the street in times square on new year's eve.

barricades bother me. and that's cuz i know for certain that i don't need them. i don't need to be told by an authority figure where i can and can't go. i know what's good and bad for me. and i'm all about doing my thing with pretty much the only restriction being that i can't shit on anyone else's parade.

i already barricade myself. i know my own limits. i know i'm no threat to anyone... in fact i'm way more likely to help others than hurt.

but that's just me. and i can't speak for the rest of society. i guess barricades hurt me at my most inner core. it's a reminder that either-

a- there's a force out there that wants to control us and they're willing to sacrifice what's good for us to do it.

or

b- that we do need these barricades. that we are bad business in big numbers.

and while the idea of option a pisses me off... the idea of option b makes me sad and disappointed.

(who knows? maybe it's a bit of both options.)

i'm all for bringing the barricades down. but at the same time, i only wanna do it if we're ready for it.

in the end, you can't spell revolution without evolution. there's so much radical change i wanna see in the world, but i wonder if mankind, as a creature, is really ready for what i got in mind?