i'm 6'7". i'm a tall dude, taller than most. my height definitely exceeds average height. and while i can't tell you exactly what average height is, i can tell you that i'm above it cuz i can see average height all around me and i have to look down to notice. anytime i'm almost able to forget how tall i am compared to mostly everyone else around me, some stranger comes up to me and with no proper introduction asks, "do you play basketball?" (the answer is no, i don't. i tried a few times in the past year. i'm pretty awful at it actually.)
i'm okay with being tall but sometimes it feels like the world's not okay with me. i live in a world that's not built for me. i don't fit anywhere. there's never enough legroom in any bus, train, plane, or automobile. i have to crouch in most basements. my feet hang off of beds. when i go to the movies, i can hear the people behind me cringe as i take my seat. at concerts, i can feel the piercing of the daggers coming from the eyes of the people standing behind me (and that sucks cuz with concerts, i wanna be close to the stage. i'm not settling for the back). i hit my head on more things than you do. it happens so frequently that i'm almost certain i've built some sorta pain tolerance. whenever i hit my head anywhere, i find myself saying, "ouch," but then thinking to myself, "wait, that didn't really hurt."
sometimes i wanna wake up to a land of giants... a whole world built for people like me. everywhere i go, there's plenty of legroom. i'm always in a position where comfort is a legit option. i wanna live in a world where i never have to crouch again to make up for buildings that were built too low for me. instead there'd be nothing but tons of space in between the top of my head and the ceilings of anywhere i go. i want nothing more than to enjoy the show without having to ruin it for someone else.
so please don't envy us tallies when you see us out and about. it's really not that great. any tally you encounter probably just hit their head on a stop sign somewhere. if anything, you should feel bad for us. maybe give us a hug... well give our legs a hug... try your best. and remember that this world is built for you. from the cribs to the caskets, we'll never fit in.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
clocks
sometimes i look at clocks and forget what time it is immediately. then i'm forced to look again. why did i do that? why did i look at the clock in the first place if i wasn't gonna make a mental note of what time it was? sometimes i think i look at clocks just to make sure time's still moving. or maybe i'm hoping time's no longer moving and we're stuck and things have slowed down for the first time in the history of timekeeping.
in an ideal world, i'd never look at a clock, watch, or any instrument that helps to tell me what time it is. i'd go to sleep and wake up when i pleased and i'd go about my day no matter what time of day it might be. why do i wake up at noon and feel like i missed the morning? says who? your morning and my morning don't need to take place during the same hours. morning is that first part of your day, no matter what time the clock tells you it is.
i know a world without clocks is impossible. time is a necessary measurement that helps to keep things in order. but sometimes when i'm at work, i feel the pressure of time. i feel it passing. i feel it suppressing me. everything's fine and maintained thanks to the binding of the clock that never stops. sometimes i wanna step up from my desk and scream, "fuck time! i'll do what i want when i want!" and in my imagination that sounds awesome. and i'd like to think everyone around me would think the same thing. they've gotta feel the oppressiveness of time as well, right? i can't be alone? wouldn't this cause a chain reaction that would have everyone damning the measurement of seconds and minutes and doing whatever it is they wanted or needed to do in the time it takes to do it?
"how long will that take you?"
"as long as it takes."
"when will it be finished?"
"when i'm done."
as time slips into the future, new forms of timekeeping are developed. we can keep track of time on cell phones and ipads. it's as if everywhere i turn, there's a time keeping device in sight. we can't escape the measurement of time. and instead of trying to escape, we keep looking for new ways to measure it. eventually clocks will be implanted in our brains and we'll never not know what time it is.
i used to go outside and play as a kid. i'd play with any other kid who was also doing the same thing i was doing at that time... it was all completely random. now kids have play dates. we keep looking to organize our lives and give ourselves more things to be late for.
i'm tired of measuring time. i'm tired of being told what time it is and what time i gotta be there and how long till it happens. countdowns and deadlines. rinse and repeat. over and over. has us all running around in twelve hour circles like the hands on a clock.
in an ideal world, i'd never look at a clock, watch, or any instrument that helps to tell me what time it is. i'd go to sleep and wake up when i pleased and i'd go about my day no matter what time of day it might be. why do i wake up at noon and feel like i missed the morning? says who? your morning and my morning don't need to take place during the same hours. morning is that first part of your day, no matter what time the clock tells you it is.
i know a world without clocks is impossible. time is a necessary measurement that helps to keep things in order. but sometimes when i'm at work, i feel the pressure of time. i feel it passing. i feel it suppressing me. everything's fine and maintained thanks to the binding of the clock that never stops. sometimes i wanna step up from my desk and scream, "fuck time! i'll do what i want when i want!" and in my imagination that sounds awesome. and i'd like to think everyone around me would think the same thing. they've gotta feel the oppressiveness of time as well, right? i can't be alone? wouldn't this cause a chain reaction that would have everyone damning the measurement of seconds and minutes and doing whatever it is they wanted or needed to do in the time it takes to do it?
"how long will that take you?"
"as long as it takes."
"when will it be finished?"
"when i'm done."
as time slips into the future, new forms of timekeeping are developed. we can keep track of time on cell phones and ipads. it's as if everywhere i turn, there's a time keeping device in sight. we can't escape the measurement of time. and instead of trying to escape, we keep looking for new ways to measure it. eventually clocks will be implanted in our brains and we'll never not know what time it is.
i used to go outside and play as a kid. i'd play with any other kid who was also doing the same thing i was doing at that time... it was all completely random. now kids have play dates. we keep looking to organize our lives and give ourselves more things to be late for.
i'm tired of measuring time. i'm tired of being told what time it is and what time i gotta be there and how long till it happens. countdowns and deadlines. rinse and repeat. over and over. has us all running around in twelve hour circles like the hands on a clock.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
i hope george zimmerman reads this
i'm sure if the roles were reversed, george zimmerman would've understood. i bet his final thought would've been, 'i had this coming. this dude had to defend himself. i deserve to die.' he would've accepted that this was a rational explanation to his fleeting life. gun shots, blood, no more fun, no more family and friends, no more life, hope, or future. but i had this coming. throw it all away cuz i gave this dude no other choice but to end my existence completely.
george zimmerman should provide us with an explanation he's willing to buy before he tries to cram his nonsense down our throats and down the throats of trayvon martin's family and friends. behind every life taken in "self defense" is a community that's going to miss them. when you took that shot george, that bullet didn't just tear through the skin of one person. your bullet ripped through the flesh of every person who stood for trayvon martin. and they're pissed, george. and could you blame them? wouldn't you be pissed if that was your son or your best friend or you? with every bullet comes a ripple effect that you probably couldn't foresee. and now it's too late. one click and you can never have that back. so choose your shots wisely, george.
i read somewhere that you've become a recluse and gained 100 pounds in the past year. what's the matter? why the odd behavior? do you eat away cuz everything else seems to eat away at you? did you not see this coming? did you not think that one year later a nation would hear your name and cringe? did you not know that in a year your name would become synonymous with, "racist," "evil," "liar," "villain," and, "murderer?"
one year later and no one's forgotten. and people are still very pissed off. they wait at the gallows thirsting for your blood. self defense, george? you wanna try running that by us one more time? what would you say if you were in our shoes?
george zimmerman should provide us with an explanation he's willing to buy before he tries to cram his nonsense down our throats and down the throats of trayvon martin's family and friends. behind every life taken in "self defense" is a community that's going to miss them. when you took that shot george, that bullet didn't just tear through the skin of one person. your bullet ripped through the flesh of every person who stood for trayvon martin. and they're pissed, george. and could you blame them? wouldn't you be pissed if that was your son or your best friend or you? with every bullet comes a ripple effect that you probably couldn't foresee. and now it's too late. one click and you can never have that back. so choose your shots wisely, george.
i read somewhere that you've become a recluse and gained 100 pounds in the past year. what's the matter? why the odd behavior? do you eat away cuz everything else seems to eat away at you? did you not see this coming? did you not think that one year later a nation would hear your name and cringe? did you not know that in a year your name would become synonymous with, "racist," "evil," "liar," "villain," and, "murderer?"
one year later and no one's forgotten. and people are still very pissed off. they wait at the gallows thirsting for your blood. self defense, george? you wanna try running that by us one more time? what would you say if you were in our shoes?
Thursday, February 21, 2013
michael jordan (don't call it a comeback)
people need to stop talking about michael jordan coming back to the nba at age 50. it's all mostly hypothetical speak, but whenever someone throws the idea out there, it usually ends with something like, "with jordan, you never know." and just like that, suddenly the idea of michael jordan playing professional basketball in the nba at age 50 is something that could actually happen. the idea's become public domain and the public is running wild with it.
michael jordan is 50. he has no business playing in today's nba. he's too old. that's not an insult. he had his time. he was the best of his era. many say he's the best to ever play the game. why tarnish what is probably the greatest basketball, if not sports, legacy ever? sure, jordan might be the greatest 50 year old basketball player in the world. i bet if there was a league for 50 year olds, jordan would dominate it. but you can't throw a man of that age on the court with all these other professional athletes running around in their prime. maybe the idea of jordan playing amongst lebron, carmelo, durant, and kobe seems exciting. but what about that 5-6 game road trip that ends in denver? he wouldn't be able to keep up. that's not an insult. that's the cold truth of aging.
remember when jordan was in his prime and he went and played baseball for a year? this was a time when jordan, arguably the best of all time, was at his best and for that year had no interest in playing basketball anymore. so why would he show interest now? it makes no sense.
a lot of people say he's competitive. or if you tell jordan he can't do something, he'll go all out to prove you wrong. and that's great. that's partially what fueled his greatness. just listen to his hall of fame induction speech. the dude name dropped anyone who ever had a bad thing to say about him. jordan is the poster boy (among many other things) for having a chip on your shoulder. and that's alright. but he shouldn't be insulted by anyone who says he would suck if he tried playing in the nba today. his legacy is in tact.
what he should take issue with is anyone who says what a bad owner he is. michael jordan owns an nba team, the charlotte bobcats, and they're awful. wanna exercise that whole chip on your shoulder concept? start dominating the game as an owner. now it's time for jordan to focus on his new legacy. how awesome would it be if he turned the bobcats around and became the most awesome nba team owner ever? add that to the legacy. as it stands right now, jordan sucks as an owner. the proof is in the numbers. but if jordan turned it all around and put me in a situation where i had to eat my words, i'd be more than okay with that.
so pundits, broadcasters, bloggers, and sports fans everywhere, stop it with the comeback talk. let's start focusing on michael jordan the team owner. all this comeback talk just gives him more distractions to hide behind while his team lays down the foundation of a legacy of losing. jordan's legacy as a player isn't going anywhere. it's safe. let's focus on the here and now and the possible.
(if for some reason michael jordan ever reads this, i'm a big fan sir. i mean no disrespect. i hope the best for you and your bobcats and you were awesome in 'space jam.')
michael jordan is 50. he has no business playing in today's nba. he's too old. that's not an insult. he had his time. he was the best of his era. many say he's the best to ever play the game. why tarnish what is probably the greatest basketball, if not sports, legacy ever? sure, jordan might be the greatest 50 year old basketball player in the world. i bet if there was a league for 50 year olds, jordan would dominate it. but you can't throw a man of that age on the court with all these other professional athletes running around in their prime. maybe the idea of jordan playing amongst lebron, carmelo, durant, and kobe seems exciting. but what about that 5-6 game road trip that ends in denver? he wouldn't be able to keep up. that's not an insult. that's the cold truth of aging.
remember when jordan was in his prime and he went and played baseball for a year? this was a time when jordan, arguably the best of all time, was at his best and for that year had no interest in playing basketball anymore. so why would he show interest now? it makes no sense.
a lot of people say he's competitive. or if you tell jordan he can't do something, he'll go all out to prove you wrong. and that's great. that's partially what fueled his greatness. just listen to his hall of fame induction speech. the dude name dropped anyone who ever had a bad thing to say about him. jordan is the poster boy (among many other things) for having a chip on your shoulder. and that's alright. but he shouldn't be insulted by anyone who says he would suck if he tried playing in the nba today. his legacy is in tact.
what he should take issue with is anyone who says what a bad owner he is. michael jordan owns an nba team, the charlotte bobcats, and they're awful. wanna exercise that whole chip on your shoulder concept? start dominating the game as an owner. now it's time for jordan to focus on his new legacy. how awesome would it be if he turned the bobcats around and became the most awesome nba team owner ever? add that to the legacy. as it stands right now, jordan sucks as an owner. the proof is in the numbers. but if jordan turned it all around and put me in a situation where i had to eat my words, i'd be more than okay with that.
so pundits, broadcasters, bloggers, and sports fans everywhere, stop it with the comeback talk. let's start focusing on michael jordan the team owner. all this comeback talk just gives him more distractions to hide behind while his team lays down the foundation of a legacy of losing. jordan's legacy as a player isn't going anywhere. it's safe. let's focus on the here and now and the possible.
(if for some reason michael jordan ever reads this, i'm a big fan sir. i mean no disrespect. i hope the best for you and your bobcats and you were awesome in 'space jam.')
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
josh vs. yoga
today, for the first time ever, i took a yoga class. they were offering a demo class at work. based on the popularity of said class, they might be able to offer us a weekly yoga class for 12 weeks or so for a fee. up until this point, i never really thought much about yoga. i figured i wouldn't like it. it wouldn't be my sorta thing. i don't like being still. i wanna move and make noise. i'm restless and my idea of any sorta exercise that is health related is that it should involve me moving until i'm exhausted. but i put all my preconceived notions aside and decided to give it a shot. i figured the worst scenario would be that i don't like it and i'll never do yoga again and anytime someone says, "don't knock it till you try it," i can say, "i did."
but i kinda dug it. i don't think i'm any good at it, but i dug it. i think i'm clumsy and suck at trying to position my body into odd angles. but i did it. with every glance at my reflection in the mirror i was thinking to myself, "check out this awkward looking mofo right here.. he's gonna fall over. his face is beet red. it's gonna explode." bottom line, while doing it, i thought i sucked at it. but hey, that's okay. first time out, right? i'm not in this to go pro. so i stuck it out and when it was all said and done, i oddly felt really good. i couldn't put my finger as to the reason why. but it was there and i couldn't ignore it. there was something very relieving about what i had just done.
sure, there's some things i find weird about it. towards the end there was talk of letting go and good vibes and a weird prayer at the end that didn't seem to be directed at any god specifically but ended with, "namaste," a word i've never said and didn't start saying today (not trying to be a crank. but if i'm not of faithful heart, i shouldn't mock it by using it in an empty manner). all that stuff doesn't do much for me. sure i felt like some tension was relieved. but i think that came from crazy stretches, not anything in my brain or in the air or whatever.
so i'm not turning mystic here. i'm about two hours removed from the class now and all i feel is relaxed physically. i don't feel anything magical, mystical, or divine. i'm just feeling the benefits of an under stretched body getting stretched out. i don't think i'll be doing this anytime soon:
but it feels good enough that if they do offer a class for 12 weeks, i'm in. i'm not much of a stretcher but i think my body could definitely benefit from it.
so that's it yoga. i'm giving in. you win. just try not to be too weird.
but i kinda dug it. i don't think i'm any good at it, but i dug it. i think i'm clumsy and suck at trying to position my body into odd angles. but i did it. with every glance at my reflection in the mirror i was thinking to myself, "check out this awkward looking mofo right here.. he's gonna fall over. his face is beet red. it's gonna explode." bottom line, while doing it, i thought i sucked at it. but hey, that's okay. first time out, right? i'm not in this to go pro. so i stuck it out and when it was all said and done, i oddly felt really good. i couldn't put my finger as to the reason why. but it was there and i couldn't ignore it. there was something very relieving about what i had just done.
sure, there's some things i find weird about it. towards the end there was talk of letting go and good vibes and a weird prayer at the end that didn't seem to be directed at any god specifically but ended with, "namaste," a word i've never said and didn't start saying today (not trying to be a crank. but if i'm not of faithful heart, i shouldn't mock it by using it in an empty manner). all that stuff doesn't do much for me. sure i felt like some tension was relieved. but i think that came from crazy stretches, not anything in my brain or in the air or whatever.
so i'm not turning mystic here. i'm about two hours removed from the class now and all i feel is relaxed physically. i don't feel anything magical, mystical, or divine. i'm just feeling the benefits of an under stretched body getting stretched out. i don't think i'll be doing this anytime soon:
but it feels good enough that if they do offer a class for 12 weeks, i'm in. i'm not much of a stretcher but i think my body could definitely benefit from it.
so that's it yoga. i'm giving in. you win. just try not to be too weird.
Friday, February 15, 2013
stop co-opting old people to fit your agenda
i think there's a rule that whenever someone eclipses the age of 100, some publication somewhere has to interview them and within that interview ask them the only question that seems to matter to anyone. what's your secret? that's all we wanna know. we're not here to mine your brain of all its beautiful memories. this is about us, much like everything else. we're looking for longevity and we know you're holding out on us.
i'd like to believe that behind the scenes, all the centenarians of the world are conspiring against us. they know that question's coming quicker than the time it takes to blow out the candles of their 101st birthday cake. why share their wisdom with us? no one helped them out on their way to the century mark. they had to do it the hard way, on their own. so why not agree to lie to us all? just make stuff up. for all we know, there is no grand secret at all. but they'll be more than happy to feed us nonsense anyways anytime we ask, "how'd you do it?"
soon enough the field is covered with what seems to be a countless amount of reasons why. some of them are even contradictory. some drink a lot of water. some have a glass of wine a day. some get trashed all the time. some abstain from drugs and alcohol altogether. some smoke pot. some still exercise. some sit on their ass and watch marathons of csi all day. some pray to god. some use an excessive amount of swear words and listen to heavy metal.
whatever reason they give, there's always gonna be some ding dong (okay, usually several ding dongs) who're gonna take whatever it is they said and run with it. like the one who still smokes pot everyday. the pro-marijuana people see that and say, "see, i told you! pot's good for you!" but wait, what about this 108 year old dude over here who never smoked a puff of anything his entire life. suddenly the anti-drug / anti-smoking contingency is screaming, "SEE!!! we TOLD you all that shit is bad for you!!"
i think you see what i'm getting at here. i don't know what makes these old people tick. they themselves probably don't fully understand how they were able to live so long only to watch everyone they ever knew die around them. my guess is it's either a crap shoot or there is some grand secret and they're holding out on us. either way, stop manipulating whatever line they give you to fit into your soapbox diatribes. sooner or later, one of them's bound to mention something totally bat shit crazy like feasting on the blood of lambs and then what's gonna happen? all them lamb blood suckers are gonna come out and rub it in our faces. and we can't have that.... cuz if there's anything i hate, it's those no good, lamb blood sucking sonsofbitches.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
lent jokes are played out and so are you
every year around this time, it's the same thing. everywhere i turn, someone's got a lent joke or a joke about the ashes people put on their foreheads in observance of ash wednesday. none of them are ever new. they're all recycled jokes from the previous years and they weren't that funny then either. they're like stale bar jokes that have been handed down to us from our grandparents' generation. the only person that seems to truly be getting a kick out of these jokes is the person telling them. save it. that shit's played out like jokes about airplane food.
even if it wasn't played out, what's it to you anyways? what bothers you so much about lent that you need to make fun of it? it's harmless to all those who don't practice said religion. it's no where near the ugly side of religion. it makes no difference and has absolutely no negative effect on your lifestyle. all you're really doing is mocking something you don't understand which sorta makes you a bully. you're picking on people for doing something that you view as, "different," or, "weird." let it go.
at its worst, lent is commendable. it's people giving up stuff for a specific amount of time. a lot of that is life improving. some people give up things like smoking, eating unhealthy, drugs, sex with hookers, etc... stuff that's gonna be good for them in the long run. this kind of behavior shouldn't be mocked, it should be encouraged. so what if it's inspired by a god you don't believe in? let's empty out your closet of silly beliefs. i'm sure you got one hidden in there somewhere.
i don't believe in god. but i don't think that gives me any reason to mock people who do. the only religious people i find that deserve mocking are the assholes. and even then, i'm only mocking them because they're assholes, not because they're religious. mocking good people who are just doing their thing is stupid and a waste of effort and all the facebook likes in the world won't change the fact that you're being a tool.
and if it's the ashes on the forehead that bother you, i categorize you with anyone else who wants to judge others by the way they look. you're the same form of cretin who mocks tattoos, piercings, hairstyles, clothing choices, and whatever other image choices people can make. it's shallow. get over it. or don't and just choke on your shallowness. i'd trade in all the shallow dumdums for good people who walk around with ashes on their forehead.
even if it wasn't played out, what's it to you anyways? what bothers you so much about lent that you need to make fun of it? it's harmless to all those who don't practice said religion. it's no where near the ugly side of religion. it makes no difference and has absolutely no negative effect on your lifestyle. all you're really doing is mocking something you don't understand which sorta makes you a bully. you're picking on people for doing something that you view as, "different," or, "weird." let it go.
at its worst, lent is commendable. it's people giving up stuff for a specific amount of time. a lot of that is life improving. some people give up things like smoking, eating unhealthy, drugs, sex with hookers, etc... stuff that's gonna be good for them in the long run. this kind of behavior shouldn't be mocked, it should be encouraged. so what if it's inspired by a god you don't believe in? let's empty out your closet of silly beliefs. i'm sure you got one hidden in there somewhere.
i don't believe in god. but i don't think that gives me any reason to mock people who do. the only religious people i find that deserve mocking are the assholes. and even then, i'm only mocking them because they're assholes, not because they're religious. mocking good people who are just doing their thing is stupid and a waste of effort and all the facebook likes in the world won't change the fact that you're being a tool.
and if it's the ashes on the forehead that bother you, i categorize you with anyone else who wants to judge others by the way they look. you're the same form of cretin who mocks tattoos, piercings, hairstyles, clothing choices, and whatever other image choices people can make. it's shallow. get over it. or don't and just choke on your shallowness. i'd trade in all the shallow dumdums for good people who walk around with ashes on their forehead.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
why the sad snowmen?
if you're gonna make a snowman, don't make a sad looking snowman. i just came in from a walk outside in the park, and all i saw were poorly shaped, ill constructed, unimaginative snowmen who looked to be the results of half assed investments of time and effort. if you have something better to do or somewhere better to be, then please, don't make a snowman. this is a craft, an art, a high honor and anyone who looks to take on such an endeavor should only jump into it with all their heart.
we don't get many chances to fill the landscape with snowmen (at least not in this area... this isn't canada, russia, or buffalo, ny).with such a small window of opportunity, you really have to bring it. if making snowmen had some kinda reality show on the learning channel (trademark idea by me!), all i saw were the snowmen that result in their creators being ripped to shreds by the judges. thanks for the effort but all you did was give me something to point at and ridicule.
and sure, maybe some of you are thinking that many of these snowmen were created by little kids and i shouldn't be so hard on them. and that's just what's so wrong with everything. you should never be considered too young to know that if you're gonna attempt to do something, you do it right or not at all. i'm willing to let little kids slide on this but not their parents. if you're the parent of a child who created a sad looking snowman, you need to take a moment and really reflect on your parenting skills and think about ways you can improve as a parent.
and i know many snowmen are built only to be destroyed by some group of young punks (or sad, old punks) and you figure, why try so hard if it's only gonna be destroyed? but that's no excuse. we have to raise the quality of our snowmen in the face of any and all threats, whether it be a gang of douchebags or the ol' mighty sun. put some pride into your snowmen. they're a reflection of you and a reflection of your surrounding area. and right now, by the look of some of these snowmen, i'm a little concerned about my area. i think my area needs a hug.
we don't get many chances to fill the landscape with snowmen (at least not in this area... this isn't canada, russia, or buffalo, ny).with such a small window of opportunity, you really have to bring it. if making snowmen had some kinda reality show on the learning channel (trademark idea by me!), all i saw were the snowmen that result in their creators being ripped to shreds by the judges. thanks for the effort but all you did was give me something to point at and ridicule.
and sure, maybe some of you are thinking that many of these snowmen were created by little kids and i shouldn't be so hard on them. and that's just what's so wrong with everything. you should never be considered too young to know that if you're gonna attempt to do something, you do it right or not at all. i'm willing to let little kids slide on this but not their parents. if you're the parent of a child who created a sad looking snowman, you need to take a moment and really reflect on your parenting skills and think about ways you can improve as a parent.
and i know many snowmen are built only to be destroyed by some group of young punks (or sad, old punks) and you figure, why try so hard if it's only gonna be destroyed? but that's no excuse. we have to raise the quality of our snowmen in the face of any and all threats, whether it be a gang of douchebags or the ol' mighty sun. put some pride into your snowmen. they're a reflection of you and a reflection of your surrounding area. and right now, by the look of some of these snowmen, i'm a little concerned about my area. i think my area needs a hug.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
an ode to my former neighbor
i used to have a neighbor who lived above me who would watch tv at full blast. i was told that he was a little hard of hearing but it never really bothered me all that much. i even got a kick out of it when i'd be watching a football game and i could hear him watching the same exact football game as me. the bass would pound from above and filter into my apartment perfectly queued with what i was watching at that moment.
sometimes he'd play a keyboard. it wasn't very often and when it first started, i was a little surprised. i had been in my apartment for a few years before i started to hear the sounds of a keyboard. maybe he picked up a new hobby? up until that point, i assumed he was just a dude who couldn't hear too well and watched a ton of tv. he wasn't very good at the keyboard and i think he knew it cuz he'd usually give up pretty quickly.
i never met this guy... ever. he lived above me for about 5-6 years and i never once had a conversation with him. i don't even know his name. other people told me what it was, but i never remembered it. it never seemed weird to me. i was always okay with the arrangement. i'm weird with my neighbors. i don't like to stop and chat. you never know where the conversations are gonna go. i gotta live in the same building with these people. one bad convo could turn me into enemies with someone. i don't need that. i'd much rather a mellow existence with not much turmoil when it comes to my living quarters.
and then he moved. he was gone and so was the blaring tv. and then there was silence. but i never minded the noise. in fact, because of this guy watching tv at such a high volume, i thought i had a strong tolerance for loud noises coming from outside of my apartment. i was about to learn how untrue that was.
a family with two children moved in above me and just like that, the silence disappeared and was replaced immediately with all sorts of noises that weren't the blaring tv of my former neighbor. there's yelling and crying and loud toys and stomping.... so much stomping. the father...i can hear him snore some nights. his bedroom is right above mine and sometimes i'll be laying down, trying to sleep and then i'll hear it... his snores creeping through the ceiling. i'll usually turn on the radio to try and tune him out. anytime it happens, i begin to miss the blaring tv of yesteryear.
the parents fight a lot. and when they do, i can hear them scream at each other. they fight in spanish and i'm sorta grateful for that cuz at least i don't know what they're fighting about. some details are not worth knowing.
they also had a baby recently. so now there's a three kid family living in a one bedroom apartment above me. i can't imagine what their sleeping arrangements must be like, but it can't be that bad cuz they never leave. they keep staying and keep crying and keep yelling and keep stomping.... so much stomping.
so old nameless neighbor, this is an ode to you. sometimes you truly don't know what you got till it's gone. i like to think that you're somewhere out there in the world living above a different bachelor who gets a kick out of the pounding bass of your tv creeping through his ceiling confirming that the two of you are watching espn sportscenter at the same time.
sometimes he'd play a keyboard. it wasn't very often and when it first started, i was a little surprised. i had been in my apartment for a few years before i started to hear the sounds of a keyboard. maybe he picked up a new hobby? up until that point, i assumed he was just a dude who couldn't hear too well and watched a ton of tv. he wasn't very good at the keyboard and i think he knew it cuz he'd usually give up pretty quickly.
i never met this guy... ever. he lived above me for about 5-6 years and i never once had a conversation with him. i don't even know his name. other people told me what it was, but i never remembered it. it never seemed weird to me. i was always okay with the arrangement. i'm weird with my neighbors. i don't like to stop and chat. you never know where the conversations are gonna go. i gotta live in the same building with these people. one bad convo could turn me into enemies with someone. i don't need that. i'd much rather a mellow existence with not much turmoil when it comes to my living quarters.
and then he moved. he was gone and so was the blaring tv. and then there was silence. but i never minded the noise. in fact, because of this guy watching tv at such a high volume, i thought i had a strong tolerance for loud noises coming from outside of my apartment. i was about to learn how untrue that was.
a family with two children moved in above me and just like that, the silence disappeared and was replaced immediately with all sorts of noises that weren't the blaring tv of my former neighbor. there's yelling and crying and loud toys and stomping.... so much stomping. the father...i can hear him snore some nights. his bedroom is right above mine and sometimes i'll be laying down, trying to sleep and then i'll hear it... his snores creeping through the ceiling. i'll usually turn on the radio to try and tune him out. anytime it happens, i begin to miss the blaring tv of yesteryear.
the parents fight a lot. and when they do, i can hear them scream at each other. they fight in spanish and i'm sorta grateful for that cuz at least i don't know what they're fighting about. some details are not worth knowing.
they also had a baby recently. so now there's a three kid family living in a one bedroom apartment above me. i can't imagine what their sleeping arrangements must be like, but it can't be that bad cuz they never leave. they keep staying and keep crying and keep yelling and keep stomping.... so much stomping.
so old nameless neighbor, this is an ode to you. sometimes you truly don't know what you got till it's gone. i like to think that you're somewhere out there in the world living above a different bachelor who gets a kick out of the pounding bass of your tv creeping through his ceiling confirming that the two of you are watching espn sportscenter at the same time.
Friday, February 1, 2013
even pastors shouldn't use god's name in vain
(a note from the editor- josh doesn't study his shit very well and it was brought to his attention after the fact that the person this post is about is a woman and not a man. josh is too lazy to go through the blog and edit it and besides, he fears too many alterations would take away from the original passion that he crammed into every single word. so, his bad, and please enjoy.)
have you heard the one about the pastor who went into an applebee's and didn't tip the waitress? no? well here's a link if you want to study up on it... cuz that's what this here blog is pretty much all about today.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/feb/01/fired-applebees-waitress-needs-tips
and if you don't wanna read it and you just wanna see the picture of the check cuz you're lazy like that, well, i don't blame you, so here it is:
so this dude went out of his way to scratch out the $6.29, write a '0' in additional tip and sign it with the title, 'pastor.' i could turn this into a rant about how there's no scientific evidence that this pastor's god even exists and that the 10% he tithes to his lord is already a suspect investment of money. meanwhile, here's a waitress, as real as any other human being, in front of you serving you food and you're gonna use your invisible friend to dodge the tip. but i'm not gonna turn this into one of those rants.
not today. today i'm gonna play nice and give this pastor the benefit of the doubt. i'm gonna assume that god exists in the exact form the pastor believes he exists. which i think makes it safe to assume that this is a god who instructed the world to not use his name in vain. for those of you who don't know what the word, 'vain,' means, here's the definition:
this pastor absolutely nails definition 1. he went as far as to rub his title of, 'pastor,' all up in the waitress's face. obviously he thinks just because he gives to his church that he's too good, too high and mighty, too worthy to leave a tip.
i think he nails definition 2 pretty well also. god probably couldn't feel any more useless than being used as an excuse to not leave a tip.
already we know this pastor is full of shit and a big ol' hypocrite. this whole thing isn't very christian of him. where's the ever warm love of god we hear so much about? i'm almost positive what the pastor did in this situation is not an appropriate answer to the question, 'what would jesus do?'
but my personal favorite part of all of this is knowing that this pastor is ashamed of himself. a waitress takes a picture, puts it on the net, and it goes viral. all of the sudden everybody knows what a no good, no tipping, hypocrite he is. now he's furious. he's mad at the waitress. he's mad at the staff. he's mad at the management. he's so mad at everyone else, he doesn't leave much anger to point at himself for being the dude who left no tip in the first place. leaving no tip was no big deal when it was a secret between him and the waitress. but as soon as she shared it with everyone else this pastor went on the tear. he's not really mad at the waitress. he's not mad that it went viral. he's mad that the secret is out and everyone knows. he flipped out cuz he's full of shame.
someone got fired because of this and that's fucked. i wonder if this pastor prays for her to find a job in her time of need. no matter what he does, at least we all know what a douche he is now. let this be a lesson... anything you do, you should be willing to do in front of millions. every time you do something, what you should really ask yourself, instead of, 'WWJD,' is, 'what if this went viral?' let that be your moral compass. cuz if not leaving a tip was good enough when it was only you and the waitress that were in on it, then it should be good enough when the whole world finds out.
have you heard the one about the pastor who went into an applebee's and didn't tip the waitress? no? well here's a link if you want to study up on it... cuz that's what this here blog is pretty much all about today.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/feb/01/fired-applebees-waitress-needs-tips
and if you don't wanna read it and you just wanna see the picture of the check cuz you're lazy like that, well, i don't blame you, so here it is:
so this dude went out of his way to scratch out the $6.29, write a '0' in additional tip and sign it with the title, 'pastor.' i could turn this into a rant about how there's no scientific evidence that this pastor's god even exists and that the 10% he tithes to his lord is already a suspect investment of money. meanwhile, here's a waitress, as real as any other human being, in front of you serving you food and you're gonna use your invisible friend to dodge the tip. but i'm not gonna turn this into one of those rants.
not today. today i'm gonna play nice and give this pastor the benefit of the doubt. i'm gonna assume that god exists in the exact form the pastor believes he exists. which i think makes it safe to assume that this is a god who instructed the world to not use his name in vain. for those of you who don't know what the word, 'vain,' means, here's the definition:
Adjective
|
this pastor absolutely nails definition 1. he went as far as to rub his title of, 'pastor,' all up in the waitress's face. obviously he thinks just because he gives to his church that he's too good, too high and mighty, too worthy to leave a tip.
i think he nails definition 2 pretty well also. god probably couldn't feel any more useless than being used as an excuse to not leave a tip.
already we know this pastor is full of shit and a big ol' hypocrite. this whole thing isn't very christian of him. where's the ever warm love of god we hear so much about? i'm almost positive what the pastor did in this situation is not an appropriate answer to the question, 'what would jesus do?'
but my personal favorite part of all of this is knowing that this pastor is ashamed of himself. a waitress takes a picture, puts it on the net, and it goes viral. all of the sudden everybody knows what a no good, no tipping, hypocrite he is. now he's furious. he's mad at the waitress. he's mad at the staff. he's mad at the management. he's so mad at everyone else, he doesn't leave much anger to point at himself for being the dude who left no tip in the first place. leaving no tip was no big deal when it was a secret between him and the waitress. but as soon as she shared it with everyone else this pastor went on the tear. he's not really mad at the waitress. he's not mad that it went viral. he's mad that the secret is out and everyone knows. he flipped out cuz he's full of shame.
someone got fired because of this and that's fucked. i wonder if this pastor prays for her to find a job in her time of need. no matter what he does, at least we all know what a douche he is now. let this be a lesson... anything you do, you should be willing to do in front of millions. every time you do something, what you should really ask yourself, instead of, 'WWJD,' is, 'what if this went viral?' let that be your moral compass. cuz if not leaving a tip was good enough when it was only you and the waitress that were in on it, then it should be good enough when the whole world finds out.
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