new year's resolution: i quit drinking

i'm not one for new year's resolutions usually. i'm of the opinion that if there's something you wanna do, just do it. you shouldn't need a special date to make it happen. i'm sure whatever it is you choose as your new year's resolution can just as easily be declared on december 28th for no other good reason than because that's what you wanna do. it's for this reason that i usually avoid making resolutions for the new year. it almost takes away from the importance of whatever it is i wanna change in my life. whatever that may be, it should be more important than new year's day and able to make whatever day that is chosen one of the most important days of the year.

but i don't wanna poop on the idea totally either. a lot of people make resolutions to better themselves and that's always a good thing. so if new year's day is the kick in the ass that you needed, then that's awesome. it's good to see something has inspired you to go and make that positive change in your life (although i suppose you could make a negative change... like that one year i worked in a hotel and me and my coworker coleen decided to be bigger assholes to customers for the new year. good times!)

i guess this year i was also looking for some kinda kick in the ass. so i let new year's be that kick in the ass and decided to attempt something that i've attempted before and obviously failed at. my resolution is to quit drinking. many people have heard this song and dance before cuz i've said it before. so why am i gonna try quitting again? why am i even writing this blog? why do i feel the need to unload this in such a form?

let's start with why and see where this goes from there.

why?

okay, the immediately obvious reason is that it's better for my health... both mentally and physically. i'm sure my body and mind have already taken a beating and it'll be nice to know that by quitting drinking, i'm immediately taking a big step in being better to my body and my overall well being.

obvious reason #2- fuck hangovers.

but the real meat of this issue lies here:

i reflect on my life so far, and i'm not absolutely satisfied with the results. i think i could have done better. i think i should be in a better place and i should be a happier person. i'm not a totally miserable loser and there's a lot in my life that i'm both grateful for and proud of. but it just seems like there's certain things i could've done or could be doing better. there's certain goals i could be chasing harder. sometimes i don't even know what my goals are anymore. it's like i feel like i've lost some of my grip on that sorta thing and i'm stuck in this haze. and i'm hoping not drinking is the first of many steps to make improvements in this area of my life.

also, drinking is my ultimate crutch. it's my fail safe for pretty much everything. i'm bored. i drink. i'm sad. i drink. i'm happy. i drink. i celebrate by drinking. i mourn by drinking. it's my major form of socializing. i hardly do anything in a social setting that doesn't involve drinking in some capacity. and just to type that makes the task seem that much more daunting. but i feel like i need to do this. i feel like people know me as josh the drinker. and i don't wanna be that guy. i look at my life and a lot of it is spent getting drunk, being drunk, and recovering from being drunk. and i just don't wanna live that life anymore.

and one of the harder parts about being a drinker like myself is i'm not particularly a nasty drunk (i regrettably have my moments, but overall, i'm a half decent dude still when i'm drunk). so whenever i mention quitting or slowing down or changing up my lifestyle, i get a lot of gentle backlash from people who, with no ill intentions mind you, say things like, "you don't have a problem," and, "you're not a bad drunk." and i'm probably not. i never drink at home or alone. i don't call out or show up late to work very often. actually, i think i'm pretty awesome at my job.

it's like if i was an awful drunk... if it was the sorta thing that caused me to lose jobs, friends, respect, and so on... i'm sure then people would be like, "oh yea, you should quit. definitely." and that sorta sucks. just cuz i'm not a bad enough drunk in the eyes of other people, i've used that as a reason to keep it going. but all the while i feel shitty about it.

so if i feel shitty about it, why do i do it? cuz it's something to do. cuz it's a way to connect with friends. cuz any other time i've tried quitting, my life immediately got more boring and lonely. and that's the part i gotta tough out. cuz i can't put this on other people. that's not fair to anyone. this is my own personal drinking issue and i'm not looking to inspire others or ask for others to quit or to even hang out with me sober. cuz i can't be that dude. that's just not how i roll. i don't wanna be someone who pushes his own beliefs on others.

and that's what makes the whole thing really fucking tough in the beginning. i've built a life around drinking... more specifically... my social life. and i'm a social dude. i love socializing. i love hanging out. i love not staying home. i get cabin fever easily and constantly need to find stuff to do to entertain me. and drinking has been that. whether it's at bars, music clubs, friends' houses... wherever... it's all in some way connected to drinking. it's everywhere and everyone i know knows me to be one who drinks.

so just like that, i'm flipping a switch and changing pretty much everything. i was out last night for new year's eve at my local pub (the wild rover... free plug and an odd one since this is a blog about quitting drinking). i was gonna stay home cuz i wanted to stay sober. but when it hit 11:20pm, i just couldn't fathom the idea of watching the ball drop by myself. so i gut checked myself to mosey on down to the wild rover to enjoy a soda while everyone who i knew there was having a good time getting loaded. i'm happy to say i stuck with the soda and left pretty quickly after the ball dropped. but it was hard. the bartenders know my favorite beer. and on new year's eve, people are looking to buy drinks and cheers with you. and i'm standing there in a place i was just drunk in the night before (sunday, december 30th, my last night of drinking ever???) with a soda in hand. i did it. i stayed sober. but it was tough.

ok, so anyways.. why write a blog about it? cuz this can't be anonymous. cuz i need as many people to know as soon as possible (insert your joke about how only three people read this blog and this is not a good way to communicate to a lot of people here). i don't need your support. if you do support my decision, it's appreciated but you can root against me if you like. honestly, i don't care if you like, love, or hate it. i want you to have a natural reaction to it and stick with that natural reaction cuz that's who you are and i don't want anyone to fake anything about this and i certainly don't wanna be responsible for bending anyone's will. if you're one of the people reading this, i just need you to know about it. that's all. and if you do hate it, just don't be a dick and offer to buy me a drink. i mean, do that if you want... just know that you're being a dick.

i also wrote this cuz it feels so damn cathartic. i could explain this to everyone in person till i'm blue in the face. but that gives you the option to butt in and give your own opinions and speak your own mind about this topic. and i just don't wanna hear that right now. it's good to be able to just go on and on without interruption and know that i got it all out there. it's sorta selfish when you think about it, but hey, show me a writer who isn't looking for catharsis?

so here's to 2013. the year i stopped drinking.