leave the replacement refs alone

the nfl is currently using replacement refs because the "legit" refs that usually officiate their games are in a labor dispute. there's not much talk or guesstimating on how long this could last. all that's known for sure is that as the official start of the regular season approaches, the nfl will be using the replacement refs for all games during week one.

and this might be a bummer to some people. a lot of fans, analysts, and the like have some harsh things to say about the replacement refs. sure, they are the watered down version as far as refs go. but i think it's a little much to give them a lot of grief for it. they are the dudes that are there and if they weren't there, there'd be no games at all.

and i get it. they make bad calls. they miss things. they could screw your team out of an important game. but let's not pretend that you had any love or warm feelings towards the refs that they're replacing. remember those guys? just last year? you bitched about them endlessly too. they also screwed your team last season. remember?

reffing is a tough job. i don't even know why anyone does it. the second you turn that mic on, you're gonna be boo'd by thousands. that's gotta suck. and it's not like they're not trying. in most cases, they probably are giving it their best. aaaaaand they're doing it for less pay than those other guys and they know that. you don't like the replacement refs? i'd be surprised if they liked you much either.

i wouldn't be surprised if before this whole thing ends one of them decides to turn a mic on and say something like, "offsides, 5 yard penalty, and ya'll can go fuck yourselves."  i wish they would. i'd show up with a poster that says, "TEAM REF," after that.

if you're bitching about replacement refs in nfl games, then i'm left to assume that your life is totally awesome. cuz if that's all you got to bitch about in a world gone berserk, congratulations. you're a winner at life. since you're a winner, shut the fuck up and stop whining. no one likes a whiny winner. the rest of us losers will key your car or throw eggs at your children.

or maybe you are a loser who has no perspective on things. maybe you also bitch about who gets booted off of big brother or whatever other awful reality/talent tv contest you watch on a weekly basis. to you i say, go to google, then go to news. now read from top to bottom. pay attention. give it a good hour or so of your time. if you come out of that still bitching about replacement refs in nfl games then not only do you suck at life, but you suck harder at it than those lowly replacement refs who just fucked your beloved football team out of the playoffs this year.

an obituary for a dead skunk

i didn't know you well skunk. in fact, i didn't know you at all. by the time i was introduced to you, you were already dead. your body was laying there completely still on the side of a road not far from where i live. i was just taking a stroll when i came across you. three kids on scooters stood there over your body. i'm guessing they didn't know you before your unfortunate demise either.

i feel bad for you skunk. i don't know anything about you specifically. what i do know is that most people hated you. well, not you personally... but hated your kind. you're kinda seen as a nuisance. i guess it has something to do with your smelly defense system. but hey, you're just a small beast in a big jungle, what do people expect from you? you gotta get by somehow. but there you were.... as good as gone and i'm sure in most people's minds it's all for the better.

imagine that... your death being seen as an improvement on things. that's gotta be a fucking bummer. you were just a skunk doing skunk things. i'm sure you probably had a mrs. skunk at home and a few adorable skunk juniors running around. i hope they get by without you. i hope their hearts don't turn cold. i hope they're strong enough to cope with an environment where they're seen as troublesome and better off dead.

anyways, i'm sure your memory will live on. i know for me personally, i'll give you a thought every so often when i find myself crossing a street when i see a skunk. there's a lot of them walking around this area. i already didn't wanna cross their paths before i knew of your untimely demise. now i can just imagine. the streets might begin to flow with the distinct odor of skunk vengeance. and i suppose we'd have it coming. your kind didn't want this war with us. but i'm sure you'll all be goddamned if we think you're just gonna let us slide.

an emo post: i miss you

i hate being emo. and i really don't wanna write a blog post dripping in emo-ness. but i can't help it. i have some pretty serious feelings i've been dealing with and i just keep repressing them. and i can't hold it back any longer. i have to get it out there. i have to know that i did my part to try and share my emo moment with the internet.... no matter how much i pride myself on not being a very emo kinda guy.

i miss you. i messed up and i realize that now. it took me some time to realize it. i'm not good at admitting i'm the bad guy and that i did the wrong thing. but i've had some time to think about it now... and i realize that i'm totally guilty of doing some things that pushed you away and made it impossible for you to stay with me. i don't know what i was thinking. how could i ever expect you, in your situation, to stay with me after what i did to you?

and i'm tired of listening to all my friends with their fake words of comfort, having to hear phrases like:

"it's not a big deal josh. you'll get over it with enough time."
"it wasn't working for you anyways. you're better off."
"almost every guy did what you did. don't feel so bad."

and thanks friends, that's real nice of you to try and make me feel good in my time of sadness. i do appreciate it. but you don't understand what it's like to be me. i have to wake up everyday and look myself in the mirror and wonder why did i do this? why did i screw this up so bad? it gets to a point where i just want to go back in time and undo this.

i try to remain optimistic. i think maybe with enough time, you'll come back to me. we could be together again. i'll be better this time around. i'll make this shit work. i promise. just please, give me another chance. come back home. i'm lost and incomplete without you. i miss you beard.

don't be an asshole

this past sunday i made a joke about people going crazy and shooting other people and wondering why it doesn't happen more often. a few days later this shooting outside of the empire state building in new york city happens. and that sucked. cuz i'm not rooting for this sorta thing. when i jokingly say, 'i wonder why more people aren't getting shot,' i don't want anyone to actually go out and do it.

the joke is more me acknowledging that people can tend to suck. the world is full of assholes. and although i'm not thrilled with the concept of sharing an existence with a world populated with douchebags, i don't root for their demise either. shooting someone cuz they suck at life just makes you a bigger asshole than they are.

if you wanna stop the assholes, becoming one yourself isn't gonna fix anything. really, the only fix to stop the assholes is to not be one yourself. doing something to retaliate against them is sinking down to their level. it suddenly makes you no better then they are. not only did you not stop the assholes, you switched teams and helped strengthen their cause.

because the world is full of assholes, i know the shootings will never really stop. there'll always be another shooting. and there's probably a lot more shootings than we're aware of. most shootings don't make the 10 o'clock news. people shooting people is a sickening byproduct of the suck side of humanity.

if you really wanna fight against assholes, just don't be one. it's that simple. if someone near you is being an asshole, be the better person and walk away. we'll never free ourselves of all the assholes of the world. but maybe that's the point. maybe we need assholes in our lives to remind us how awesome everyone who isn't an asshole is.

stop being so nice

if you can't be nice, don't be fake nice. it goes against the whole principle of what 'nice' really is. if you can't find it in yourself to be sincerely nice about something, then just keep it honest and react naturally. if you don't like something, then don't like it. not liking stuff doesn't make you an asshole. it makes you a human being. everyone finds themselves not liking lots of things on a more than regular basis. so just stop with the bullshit and react in a way that is honest and true to yourself.

you're better off being rude than faking niceness. the rudeness would be more sincere and heartfelt. faking niceness with someone is pretty much the same thing as lying to them. you're being dishonest with yourself and with whoever you're dealing with. and in return, someone you're dealing with may be pissing you off and they'll never know cuz you keep pulling the 'fake nice' routine. if you're dealing with an asshole, believe me with everything you got on this one, the best thing you can do is let them know how much of an asshole they're being. a lot of assholes aren't very self aware. help them out. that'd be the really nice thing to do.

and stop asking people how they are if you really don't care how they are. i've started making it my mission to make people regret ever asking me this question. it's polite but it's bullshit. but hey, since you're asking, let me fill you in on how i'm really doing. this may take a while. but hey, you'll never ask me again and you shouldn't have asked me in the first place. lesson learned.

i don't know why people feel this need to pretend to be nice. i can see right through it and so can everyone else. give it a rest. do us all a favor and be a real person. no one's nice all the time. no one's nice when they're angry. if you're angry, be fucking angry. that's the natural thing to do. don't shame yourself into denying your own right to be anything but nice. there's all sorts of other emotions in the human spectrum. get to know them. cuz i'm pretty sure all insincere attempts at being nice kill a little part of the soul every time.

and hey, if you're sincerely being nice, right on! nice people rule!

fake names

we give fake names to some of the employees. we outsource, so a lot of the names sound very authentic to the country where they live. to make them sound more "american," they're assigned fake names. they're now a customer service army of tom's, harry's, and jane's. 

this feels racist. i enter their real name in a database. and then in a field next to that, i enter their "pseudonym." that's the term we throw around when referring to their fake names. they're not being given fake names, they're being given "pseudonyms." and i guess this is cuz outsourcing pisses customers off or cuz some customers don't like having to speak to foreigners. so we try and pull a quick one on them at the sake of the employee they'll have to deal with to get their customer service issue resolved.

my mom gave me my name. i'm fucking josh. there's no way i'd wanna ever be called anything else. that's who i am. and anyone who doesn't like it can fuck off. that's sincerely how i feel. i can't imagine what it's like to lie about your own name... all so you don't piss off some douchebag customer who thinks he's too good to speak to someone with any accent but his own.

giving people fake names is racist. and it's only being done so we don't piss off racist people. it's meta-racism. and if a company is so concerned with not pissing off the racist part of their customer base, why outsource in the first place? 

outsourcing saves a lot of money. i'm sure executives high five over the numbers in board room meetings behind closed doors. if outsourcing is such a great fix, then own that shit. don't steamroll over the culture of others just so you don't have to deal with the bad press. 

i feel awful every time i process a new "pseudonym" at work. there's one more person who's just trying to make ends meet. for eight hours a day they have to pretend to be someone they're not. all so we can keep our customers with racist tendencies satisfied.

gratitude

"in the radiance of the setting sun,
men either sing and give thanks
or clamor and bewail
the approach of old age."

that's not mine. i didn't write that. i read it in this book i have lying around called, 'kung fu meditations.' (a book my friend chet lent to me when i was 14... and i still have it. i'm grateful chet's not a library with overdue fees. i should look into giving him his book back. it's really good.)

i read this last night. i've read it before. i read through this book a lot. it's not a long book... about 40 pages of aphorisms and koans. and every time i read through it, a different part seems to stick out, almost as if to address issues i'm experiencing in life right now.

i have not been singing and giving thanks in the radiance of the setting sun as of late. i'm extremely guilty of clamoring and bewailing the approach of old age. and it's one of those things where i don't realize how guilty i am of this until i read these four lines right here and it comes out and smacks me.

i know shit ain't perfect and life's not a fairy tale and fucked up shit happens all the time. but it won't do me any good to focus on all the ugly shit that's going on. if i can still sing and if i can still give thanks, then why not  try that approach instead?

at the end of the day, i have a lot to be grateful for. i'm alive. that's the most obvious. death sucks but it happens all the time. just yesterday i came home to find out that someone in the house next door to me was strangled to death. now that seems awful and it is... however, it's a fresh and extreme reminder that life's a crazy thing... and it's uncertain when exactly any of us will cease to exist. for this reason, we should be grateful to just simply exist.... to be able to open our eyes and experience the world and breathe the air. life's either a miracle or a scientific long shot, either way, enjoy the program while you can. there's only so much of it.

then there's the people i love... friends and family. and there's so many of them. seriously... i have love for so many people. if you're reading this, you're probably one of them. i'm not vain enough to think that anyone beyond people who really give a shit about josh are reading this. so thanks! you fucking rule! i don't know what you did but you did something. there's a lot of  people who at first glance i'll say, "they never did nothing for me," but with deeper inspection i realize i'm wrong. even the oddest of acquaintances have left positive impressions in my life.

i have the essentials covered. i have a job, an apartment, clothes on my back, food. i'm never starving. i have my health. i exercise. i have a pretty eventful social life. i don't have a lot of enemies. i'm not too far in debt (if all goes well, i'll be fully out of debt by this time next year for the first time since i was 18).

i have my hearing. i can hear music. i can move to it and be moved by it. i get such fucking joy and passion out of listening to music. i can't put it into words... but there are moments when the right song comes on at the right moment and it's almost powerful enough to cause me to explode inside. it's the closest thing i know to magic and religion. i fucking love music. and if at the end of the day i can always play a song to sing or dance along to, that's fucking glorious.

i have so many people to interact with. i live alone but i'm far from lonely. i'm always chatting or texting or emailing, or facebooking, etc etc... there's always some form of communication going on. i've done an excellent job of surrounding myself with an eclectic mix of people. all i know is interesting people... not a one of them are bland or boring. everyone has a quirk, everyone has a tick, everyone is unique.

when i look back, i see tons of good times and good people. i have so many great memories... too many to be numbered. life has been and remains pretty awesome. when i put things into perspective, i feel spoiled. i'm sorta rich in other ways besides financially. there's so much in my life that brings me joy. it's absolutely amazing to sit here and write about it and reflect upon it all. it's almost overwhelming. how do i ever find myself clamoring and bewailing the approach of old age in the first place?

there goes the neighborhood

i came home from work today like i do on most days. my buddy mario drops me off in front of the apartment building i call home. as we pulled up, we noticed cop cars and people standing around. there was also a news van and a guy out on the street with an official looking news camera. me and mario kinda have a, 'what the fuck is going on here moment.' i then exit the car and he pulls off.

as i'm walking towards my front door, i'm approached by a dude who works with homicide. he wants to ask me a few questions. what i'm about to say is silly but bear with me.... i know i've done nothing wrong. i knew the moment this dude said homicide that this is nothing i'm guilty of. however, i have this odd fear of being framed for a horrific crime, the kinda crime that would put me in jail for a long time or put me on death row. it's bad. i sympathize with celebrities on trial who are seen as guilty by the masses long before a jury gets to deliberate what will become of them. imagine being guilty of something like murder.... all of the sudden you're hated. all of the sudden everyone around you thinks you did it and you find yourself all alone knowing damn sure that you're innocent and nobody will believe you.

anyways, these are the thoughts that zip through my head in an instant as he segues from introducing himself to showing me a couple of pictures. i assume one is of the killed and one is of the suspected killer. i don't know for sure cuz they were being very vague about everything. i didn't recognize either picture. i'm a bad neighbor as is. i don't interact much with anyone on my block.

it was brief. and they never told me what was going on. i tried asking... i said, "hey, what's going on here?"

"oh, we're trying to figure that out ourselves."

i wasn't gonna push the topic any further. if someone was killed on my block, i would like to at least know. since i'm left knowing nothing for certain, i can't help but assume that there's a killer on the loose and the scene of the crime is on my block. it's kinda eerie. and while i am relieved to not be a suspect, i also hope i'm not the next to be killed.

the gut check of a clown

i haven't done a stand up set in 16 days. this may be the longest break i've taken from doing stand up in a while. a part of me is finished... but not all of me. i feel so conflicted sometimes... like damn, what's the big fucking deal, i just wanna get out there and help people to laugh more. but something happened along the way... i've gotten myself entangled into a mess of emotions and conflicted thoughts.

i was reading words that i wrote for a while. i'd read blogs that i wrote at the open mic i hosted. but it's not as funny. it's something more serious. and i think that's part of my issue. i don't feel like i'm taken serious as a comedian. being a comedian feels like being a clown. i don't wear the costume, but sometimes it feels like i might as well have the make up, the big red nose, the big stupid shoes... cuz that's how i feel inside... i feel like when people look directly at me, all they see is some silly clown masking his own sadness under a ridiculously bright outfit.

and that might just be my paranoia speaking. but if that was what someone saw when they looked at me, i couldn't blame them. i am hiding something. i've put on an armor of joke telling to protect the real fragile me deep down inside from getting bruised by the world. sometimes i wonder if i'm funny cuz i wanna be, or if it's just something i developed as a defense mechanism. i realized a long time ago i'm not a fighter. i'm not gonna punch lights out. i have to find some way to diffuse tension and serious situations in my life. i was never the class clown. i was just the lesser known dude who had a good joke at the right time to diffuse a tense situation. i'm that kid all grown up, relying on joke telling abilities as a way to get by.

i'm 32. i'm late in the game. anytime i find myself at an open mic, i'm completely surrounded by people in their 20's... some of them doing the stand up thing longer than me... some of them (maybe even a lot of them) are funnier than me. it's enough to make me wanna go home and forget that i ever thought i was funny enough to grace a microphone and share it with other people in public places.

when i tell jokes to a group of 10 drunks in a bar who are only half listening, when that's the climax of my current comedy situation, it hurts my soul. i have to go home and think about how completely insignificant the whole thing seems.... the only good i get out of it is that it's one more time on stage, one more way i'm proving to myself that i'm paying my dues. but other than that, it's never gonna be the set that gets me the tv show or makes me go viral. i'll be lucky to walk out of bars with one drunk telling me i was funny some nights... and some nights that's as good as it gets.

and yet i wake up today with some urge to tell jokes. i don't know what it is.... it's like i can't stop... it's like my urge to be a wiseass in front of other people will never stop. this is what i know. and whether i'm good, bad, or mediocre, i always find myself in this situation. i've quit stand up comedy more times than i can keep count of.... and yet the urge for one more try... just to hear someone else laugh at my original thoughts... if i can have that, then this whole torturous routine somehow seems worth it.

i don't know why i need to hear the laughter of others. sometimes i feel i'm driven by repressed acceptance issues. but i can tell you that i've spent a weekend doing almost nothing... just sitting around and thinking to myself... and i just wanna get out somewhere and tell a few jokes and bounce these thoughts off of the minds of other people. i can't keep them locked up inside, i can't allow myself to be the only person that hears what i'm trying to say.

and for all the times i wanna be taken "serious," a different side of me always shows up in the end.... i don't really wanna be taken serious. i don't wanna be that dude.... i don't want my legacy to be something like, "there goes josh. the stuff he does is so serious. he's good at being serious." if i'm gonna have a legacy at all, it's gonna be as a wise ass, a joke teller, a dude who loves to smile and to try to make others smile. i'm just trying to add my part to the world..... i think people need to laugh more... and i love the fuck out of laughing myself.... so it's what i want to add to the world. there's nothing better that i could ever give this world than that.

i'll let the people who love to be serious do the serious things. cure cancer, teach children, feed the impoverished.... which is all great stuff and i'll forever be grateful that there are other people in the world who have the passion to do that sorta thing.

i know where my passion lies. and i've let the existence of hecklers and the idea that i'll never "make it" or the idea that i'm not good at it stop me. but today i woke up with the urge to battle all of that. i host a weekly open mic on sunday nights, and tonight i will tell jokes. and if i bomb and no one listens, i'll know that at least i did my part. i chased my passion. if i never make it at this, i hope i always continue if only for the love of the craft and the opportunity to make other motherfuckers laugh out loud.

my obligatory 'free pussy riot!' blog post

i love pussy riot. they're an all female, russian punk rock band. i've never heard any of their songs. and today they were sentenced to 2 years in prison in russia for playing a song that criticized a russian leader in a church. they were charged with, "hooliganism." the inner punk child in me is way the fuck in love.

it sucks that they're going to jail. i feel awful for them. they didn't hurt anybody. they committed a crime with no real victim. but that's just how shit goes in russia i suppose. i didn't really know they had a freedom of speech problem until this happened. i was ignorantly under the impression that you could do things like that in russia with little to no consequence. a protest that criticizes your president? that shit happens here all the time.

this whole thing is bittersweet. it reaffirms my joy to be an american in america. i can turn the tv on anytime i want and easily find someone criticizing our president... someone who probably gets paid handsomely to do so. there's plenty of protesting in america. and you can say whatever you want. our freedom of speech even defends shitty protests like when the kkk and the westboro baptist church decide to have hate orgies in public places.

but it also saddens me that we as people, globally, haven't evolved past this. that there's still plenty of places in the world where you can be marked a criminal for the words that come out of your mouth. that just feels wrong. i don't wanna think that i've taken for granted the idea that everyone has an opinion and can speak it in america. why isn't it like that everywhere? why can't we all let each other say whatever the fuck we wanna say? i can't fathom the idea of being limited in what i'm aloud to say publicly. in my heart, mind, and soul it's a concept that is fundamentally flawed and fucked.

i hope 2 years goes by quick for the jailed members of pussy riot. i hope we don't forget this. i hope they come out and tour the world and i buy tickets just because i want to see the band that had the vagina to stand up to their government in a protesting manner and speak their fucking mind in one of my favorite languages, the language of punk fucking rock.

elvis died 35 years ago today

that's what one of my co-workers told me today.

it's weird cuz i guess elvis is a big fucking deal. i bet his death was shocking and tragic to millions. but i wasn't even alive yet. it didn't mean shit to me. i was birthed in a post-elvis world. it was understood that he was no longer around so stop waiting for a new comeback single. go buy a bruce springsteen album instead.

i remember when i was a kid, i had this short lived elvis phase. i had a tape of his greatest hits and i used to listen to it a lot. but that doesn't mean much cuz i also had a fat boys tape and i used to listen to that a lot. they did a song for one of the 'nightmare on elm street' movies and freddie kruger raps on it, no fucking lie. it was pretty atrocious.

in fact, for years i listened to tons of awful music. here's a short list of just some of the awful stuff i can remember, which approximately spans the ages of 8-13:

fat boys
mc hammer
vanilla ice
motley crue
cinderella
kris kross
full force (i don't even know if anyone but me remembers these guys. their biggest hit was a song called, "quickie," and they were in a kid n' play movie at some point)
dj jazzy jeff and the fresh prince (one exception here- 'parents just don't understand' is still a great fucking song)
poison (i had a best friend, jesse, who loved poison and i loved the crue. we used to debate constantly which one was better. i was team: crue, but i still listened to a lot of poison)
debbie gibson (i shit you not, i owned a debbie gibson cd)
the monkees
piledriver- a compilation of world wrestling federation themed music

***(before we move on, i would like to note that somehow, someway, i never got into new kids on the block)***

that's all i can remember at the moment. i'm not proud of this list.. but it is what it is. luckily i have a cool mom and she listened to a lot of cool stuff... way cooler than any of this garbage. we had some great vinyls and every now and then she'd get me a tape of something cool like 'the beatles greatest hits.' my mom schooled me on classic rock, a seed that didn't really start to sprout properly till age 13.

13 was the first time i ordered cd's from a cd club on my own. nirvana and grunge just changed mtv and they changed me. i ordered nirvana, pearl jam, and beck cd's. i took inspiration from my mom's classic rock listening and ordered greatest hits compilations of stuff like the doors and jimi hendrix.

i'm proud to say that i'm really not ashamed of anything i've listened to since age 13.... even the lady gaga (that's right motherfucker, i like lady gaga). it's all been awesome since then and one thing i haven't willingly listened to since age 13 is elvis.

my first headache in 17 days

i woke up with the first headache i've had in 17 days. it was a small headache, one i didn't think i'd need to take anything for... i figured it was small and pesky and it would go away on it's own in no time. this never happened. this small and pesky headache stuck around all day. it was never a major pain in the ass, just a little pain in the ass that hung around ALL day. i finally came home from work and took some advil. now that little bastard is gone.

how do i know today was my first headache in 17 days? why am i counting the days between headaches? the last time i had a headache is directly connected with the last time i drank alcohol. i've been sober for 17 days..... something i've been reluctant to talk about much cuz i don't really want people judging me and thinking i have a problem... even if i might... i'm not sure... i never missed work or sucked cock for beer, so i think i'm pretty good at being a functioning alcoholic... but i just wanna be healthier, clear my mind a bit. i don't know how long i'll stay sober for... maybe forever, maybe for 18 days... we'll see how this plays out.

so now that i got that out of the way, the last time i did drink, i woke up the next day with a major fucking hangover... a bad one... probably in my top 10 of all time hangovers. it happens. it was shitty and i definitely had a headache that day.

and up until that point, the one great thing about drinking was that it was always a good scapegoat for all of life's problems. why do i have a headache? drinking. why does my life suck? drinking. what happened to all my money? drinking. why am i sick? drinking. why won't so-and-so talk to me anymore? drinking. i think you get the point.

i came to a realization that drinking's always done a good job of taking the blame for all that is wrong in my life. it's not me, it's the drinking. so for the first time in 17 days, i wondered why i have a headache and for the first time in a long time, i had no answer. it will go down as an unsolved mystery.

drinking's always been a convenient scapegoat for everything that's wrong with life. it's not me. i'm fine. it's just my drinking habit. if i quit drinking, everything would be fine and life would cease to suck anymore. everything would be perfect without booze. i'd never have a headache again.

today's headache was a decent reminder that not drinking isn't enough. i'm not gonna get all militant and try to prevent headaches... i know that they happen... just like everything else in life happens. the biggest challenge of not drinking may be that when life hits the skids, i'm tempted to ease it all with a night of drinking. sobriety is no promise or sealed contract deal that from here on in, life will be perfect. sometimes things will still suck, cuz that's life.

i'll have to do deal with all of life's problems like i did today's headache. i'll have to try and be tough and look for logical solutions. cuz 17 days ago, if anything bad ever happened, i ran to my comfort zone. and that zone was an alcohol induced head buzz. and it's a nice place to go. and that's why i've stopped myself from going there. cuz escaping from life's problems is a cop out, not a solution.

heavy metal bathroom

one of the more awkward moments that i experience pretty regularly is the experience that is the bathroom at work. nature's our first boss, and when it calls, we're forced to listen. i kinda don't like the bathroom experience at work (or in most public bathrooms for that matter). it's me doing some of the dirtiest shit (ugh, pun sorta intended) i do in the presence of co-workers. 

i'd love to just simply say, 'grow up josh. it's the bathroom. everyone has to do it. no one should feel weird about it.' but it's not that simple. we got stories around the office about certain people and how they act in the bathroom. there's the talker... y'know, the one who thinks the moment when you go to sit down behind the closing door of a stall is the perfect time to talk football. there's the over enthusiastic dude.... that dude who makes way too many loud noises while relieving himself... we get it dude, it feels good to relieve yourself, but it's not a fucking orgasm. there's your boss... i mean who seriously likes to go to the bathroom within the same four walls as their boss?

and who knows, maybe there's some stupid story about me in the bathroom. if there is, it's probably something along the lines of, "isn't it weird that josh puts his headphones on as he's going to the bathroom and takes them off when he comes out," cuz that's what i fucking do to mute out all that's going on around me.

which brings me to an awesome idea i have. public bathrooms everywhere should blast heavy metal music. blast it really fucking loud. no one should have to hear anyone else in the bathroom... ever. if you have anything important to say or share, it should always be done outside the confines of bathrooms. heavy metal would be a great way to be able to use the bathroom without having to hear or think about sounds other people make or the sounds you make. 

and it'll be good exposure for heavy metal too. finally, heavy metal can be appreciated by a wider audience now that it has a practical use that's helped improve the world in a major way. the experience of using bathrooms in public would change everywhere. what was once a semi-awkward experience is now a headbanging good time. 

the asshole paradox

i want everyone to just stop being an asshole.

they won't stop being assholes.

they make me act like an asshole.

to act like an asshole is to be an asshole.

i'm now part of the problem i originally wanted to fix.

why i should've been mitt romney's pick for vp

yesterday mitt romney announced that his pick to run on the ballot as his vice president is paul ryan. and i was disappointed. i was really hoping mitt would do something a little risky, maybe go off the beaten path and pick a virtual unknown.... i was kinda hoping mitt romney would pick me, joshua d. wells, as his candidate for vice president of the united states.

in the long run, i'd be the best possible pick he could make. i'd tour the country and tell people why they need to vote for mitt romney if they wanted to save the united states of america from crumbling. i'd tell everyone that we're going to repeal obamacare and get rid of medicare. and then we'd lower taxes for "job creators." those guys deserve a  break. if anyone's had a hard time in the past decade, it's them. and to make up for that, we'd have to increase taxes on the middle class. but c'mon guys, you're doing your american duty by paying more taxes. you should feel like a patriot. speaking of feeling like a patriot,we were thinking that perhaps you could give up more of your privacy to the government just so we know you're not al-queda. that would be the pro-american thing to do.

i know what you're thinking. "is that all you got?" nope, i'm not finished. i'm just getting warmed up here. i'd promote the war on women. i'd tell america that it's time to outlaw abortion AND birth control altogether. in fact, i don't think anyone should have sex for any other purpose but pro creating. sex shouldn't be a recreational endeavor. don't you know jesus is watching?

did i mention jesus? i sure did. he's my lord and savior and the only true god that america has room for. when our founding fathers promoted religious freedom, they just meant all forms of jesus loving. muslims, jews, buddhists, i'm sorry, there's no room for your faith in the america of the future. and atheists, if y'know what's good for you, you'll repent for your life of sin as soon as possible. i'm only telling you this because anyone, and i mean ANYONE who doesn't believe in jesus will find an eternal home on the lake of fire at the end of their life here on earth.

so i guess it goes without saying that we'll also outlaw gay marriage. that's just not how god intended it. case closed. i understand that some people think that they're happy with their gay lifestyles, but that's just the devil tricking you. you're not happy. you're miserable. trust me. i know this cuz jesus told me.

and on the topic of homeland security, we will do all that is in our power to ensure our safety in a dangerous world. that will start with a war in iran. we should no longer keep this plan a secret. we're going to go to war with iran. it's going to be a huge sacrifice of our military but it'll be worth it because it'll help to maintain stability half way across the world. trust me. we know what we're doing here. we're the same military force that's been bringing stability to the middle east for decades now. our track record is flawless... and don't you dare say otherwise. to say our military does anything but a flawless job would be the most offensive of unpatriotic acts you could commit.

and i'd kindly like to remind the country that corporations are people too. so treat them as such. don't be mean to corporations because they have feelings just like you and me. in all our decisions, we should always ask ourselves, "how would corporations feel about this?" i find usually that what's good for corporations is good for america. i know it can seem confusing when you start to consider things such as outsourcing or pollution. but you have to remember that it's all about the bottom dollar. we should be willing to make many sacrifices so that our corporations can turn the biggest profit possible. this is what's good for america.
 
and if after cramming this rhetoric down america's throat for the next few months, if somehow mitt romney still gets elected... the first thing i'll say as soon as we've been sworn into office is:

"congratulations to mitt romney. he is a douchebag of the highest order and i will make it my personal duty to fight tooth and nail against all of his stupid ideas. i take back all the things i said on the campaign trail. i only thought such heavy rhetoric would sabotage any semi-legitimate chance mitt romney had of actually being elected as president. though it saddens me to see that he still won this race, i will not stop in my personal crusade against his awful, corporately endorsed agenda."

the selfishness of blogging

one of the many reasons i enjoy blogging is for the pure selfishness of it. i can write about anything i want, totally uninterrupted. i'm given no rules to follow. if my grammar's bad or a sentence runs on too long, i don't really care cuz the final product is good enough for me. i don't really worry about what other people think when they read it... it's nice to know other people read it and hopefully enjoy it... but if they don't, hey, fuck 'em. seriously. this isn't a paid gig. this is for pure enjoyment... my enjoyment. selfishness.

it's a getaway really. i have to share the rest of existence outside of this blog with everybody else in the world. any exchanging of ideas outside of here is exactly that, an exchange. i can never just unload what i think onto someone else without having to hear what they have to say. it's only fair. i'm not complaining. in fact, i think i'm good at it. i think it's a strength of mine. i find myself to be a great conversationalist. i'm open to hear what others have to say. i'm not quick to judge. i'm a great listener. seriously. i have a fucked memory so don't quiz me on a convo we had a month from now... but in the moment, i fucking listen. and i know a lot of people, too many people, who don't. most people are selfish. most people are just waiting for their turn to talk or write or shout or whatever.

and authoring a blog is different from writing a book or speaking in public or making a movie or etc etc etc. stuff like that costs money. with money comes expectations. there's a certain responsibility on an artist's behalf to try and please a crowd. i'd suck at that if i ever charged for anything i did artistically... but if it's a crowd and money you're looking for, i suppose a little compromise is in order. that sounds like it sucks. i'm glad this is free. i can't imagine what asinine things people would say if they actually paid to read it.

more times than not, my approach to this blog is simple. it's really, really selfish. it's to unload whatever it is in my brain at the moment, unburden myself, lighten my load and then feel better. i usually feel some sense of relief once a blog is finished and i can walk away. i feel like i really did something. i accomplished a task, even if it's a very minor one, and i helped bring peace to my brain... a place that can get pretty hectic if i let it go for too long.

if someone enjoys reading this blog, that's just a bonus... a  pretty awesome bonus, a bonus i enjoy very much... but even then, the idea of me enjoying the idea of others enjoying my blog is pretty selfish as well. it soothes my ego. looks like no matter how you slice it, i'm in this for me.

but thanks for reading anyways. you are swell and will have a space in my doomsday bunker.

in defense of snitches

i always here people throw around phrases like:

"snitches get stitches."
"loose lips sink ships."
"never be a rat."

there seems to be this idea floating around that all forms of snitching are bad and anyone who commits the act of snitching is a bad person. and i get it. we all do things that we don't want other people to find out about. most of us are guilty of something that we'd like hidden... even little things like trashing someone behind their back. things like gossip are hard to avoid.

but if you're willing to say something about someone, then you should be willing to say it to that person's face. it's your opinion and you should own it fully and not cower at the opportunity to share that opinion with the target directly.

this is just a small example. people usually say, "don't be a snitch," cuz they know they're doing something wrong. the guilt is implied in the statement. so why feel guilty when you can put that onus on the people around you (friends and family in many cases)? yea, you're an asshole for doing whatever it is you didn't want people saying you did, but fuck that dude who told everyone that you did it in the first place. if not for him, right? your reputation would be in tact. you'd still be an asshole, just an asshole in hiding.

i got a better idea. how about you do what's right by your conscience? if you're not able to fully own the things that you do, then how about you don't do it? especially when it comes to acts that fuck other people over. if you're hurting someone else and you want other people to hide that from the world on your behalf, you're not just a douchebag, you're a douchbag squared.

if you're still not with me on this, i suppose drastic times call for drastic measures. jerry sandusky. you'd rat him out. you better. if you wouldn't, if you're so gun-ho about your anti-snitching policy that you'd not snitch on jerry sandusky, please stop reading this now and never come back. it'd disgust me to even think someone like that would read the stuff i'd write.

put the gun away

i don't know what it is that makes people kill other people. i don't know what defect in the brain can turn a person into a murderer. i wish i knew. i wish i could cure it. i wish i could fix all the broken people. sometimes people do bad things and many times they do them to good people. every time some psycho goes on a rampage somewhere, it's a cold, hard reminder that this isn't a fairy tale and that we're not as evolved as a species as we like to think we are. despite the comforts we've surrounded ourselves with, we're still in the jungle.

maybe it's a lack of love and support or maybe it's the bully you should've punched back in 5th grade. whatever it is, you have to know that this doesn't make things right. if the ways of the universe stiffed you with a tough life, that sucks. but nothing gives you the right to take whatever it is that sucks in your life and turn it into something that can justify ending the lives of others for no other reason than just because you're that miserable.

if you are that miserable, go and kill yourself. seriously. next person who picks up a gun and thinks, time to go on a rampage... i want you to stop, breath, and think this out. it's your misery and you can't seem to deal with it properly. this is a YOU problem. maybe you should turn that gun on yourself before you take it out on others. you can't handle your tough life, sucks to be you. but don't go shitting on someone else's parade cuz you're a miserable shit.

and if you don't have what it takes to end your own life, if you're too much of a pussy to pull the trigger on yourself, then how dare you take the chickenshit way out and pull that trigger on someone else. you're damaged goods. leave the rest of us the fuck alone. yea, we all get picked on, dylan said it best, "everyone must get stoned." and y'know what, the rest of us are dealing with it. why? cuz we're tougher than you. we're not bitches who think a body count equals valor.

and if you change your mind and you decide to put the gun down and reconsider your life, reach out. there'll be a person not too far willing to hear you out and willing to help you work your issues out. i'm one of those people. i'd hear you out in a second if you told me it's the only reason you put the gun away. i'm a sucker for second chances. i'd fully embrace the opportunity to help you stop the senseless killing of others before it happens.

the politics of eggs

i consider myself a politically minded dude. but as of late, i've grown tired of talking politics with others. it's all so ineffective and pointless. no one shows up with a flexible opinion or point of view. people don't change their minds anymore and sometimes i wonder if they ever did. the problem is that our whole system is flawed. they've rigged the whole thing into a two team game. we've been polarized and divided, forced to pick a side, put on a uniform, and adopt an 'us vs. them' attitude.

we can't change the landscape through meaningless conversation. they're not listening and we're definitely not screaming loud enough. we need to snap out of it and realize that they're no longer working for us and depending on who's funding the bankroll, sometimes they're working directly against our best interests.

if only americans were more prone to throwing eggs. then the people would finally have a filibuster of their own. imagine congressmen, senators, and judges doing the work of the people knowing full well that we're watching and waiting on them to slip. they'll work for us and our best interests if it takes eggs to their faces every time they slight us.

maybe then a politician would think twice before they pick up their next blank check from whatever faceless corporation is currently in the act of trying to purchase our government. maybe then they'd be hard pressed to send american troops into battle without extremely good reasons. maybe then they'd think long and hard next time they try to cram their religion into your daily routine.

if a politician fails you completely, show them your patriotic gratitude with a furious egging. never let up till that politician learns or leaves. let them know that disapproval is so much more than a meaningless poll with a spiffy graphic on cnn.  let this be the new american tradition. we could take our country back, one egg at time.

sports talk radio

i've been spending a lot of time by myself lately. i can always gauge when i'm spending too much time in solitude by the amount of sports talk radio i'm listening to. it fills a void when i can no longer stand the silence. it's almost like a conversation, a good conversation at that. the people who host sports talk radio know their shit. they're not the meat heads that you meet at a bar and in convo say things like:

"so why do you not like the cowboys?"

"CUZ TONY HOMO!! (and then him and his 2 stupid friends erupt into laughter immediately)."

no, the people speaking to you on sports talk radio are extremely knowledgeable and they present their points of view  to you in a well mannered fashion (okay, sometimes stephen a. smith goes off the deep end, but the dude's passionate and i'm a fan). and this is when i know i probably have had enough of hermit time... when i start coming up with examples as to why sports radio dj's are better than people i'd meet in real life.

but it is what it is and sometimes i just wanna stay the fuck inside and not face the world. i have three radios in my house... bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen. sometimes i have all three going at once so i can move about my apartment freely and never miss a thing. this might be the most human interaction i'll have all day, might as well invest myself fully into it.

and it's sports talk. there's nothing offensive about it (although the whole penn st. thing was kinda a drag to listen to after while). i like sports, they like sports... it's a perfect fit. sometimes they take callers and it feels like another voice has been added to the convo. i may not agree with stan from queens, but he's entitled to his opinion that tebow starts by week 6. i'm glad he opened up and shared. i shouldn't confine myself to only listen to people who share my opinion on everything. that'd be close minded of me.

so sports talk radio, espn in particular (sorry if you're a wfan person. to each their own), i tip my hat to you and say thanks. sometimes when the solitude gets to be too much, you help to take some of the edge off. you help to keep me grounded in reality. there's a whole wide world of sports going on out there and i can tune in and listen to people talk about it any time i want.

panda bears

it's okay panda bears. i understand. i'm also hesitant about the idea of pro-creating just to ensure the survival of my species. is it really worth it? at least you're a panda. i'm a fucking human. this world is too good for my species. the best possible thing that could ever happen to this planet is the extinction of the homo sapien. we have the blood of mother nature on our hands. we can't wash that out. we tried, but the water we refuse to stop contaminating isn't effective in covering up the crime.

if nature is a woman, we're her pimp. and we're a mean pimp. we work that ho to her bones. we got her all fucked up on substances she never asked to be introduced to. she was so pure and innocent before we dug our vial claws into her flesh. now she cries in the night and swears her revenge. bitch says we have it coming and we laugh. we think that'll be the day. we think we got our ho in check. our prideful ignorance blinds us to the sleeping monster, the awful, ugly thing she can become.

mother nature doesn't want to be a woman. mother nature doesn't even want to be our mom. mother nature hates us all. she brought us into this world and has been repaid in never ending violence and disappointment. we call her mother, but her real name's monster. and when the time is right, that bitch is coming for us.

we'll have our day. mother nature's gonna show us who's pimping who. she'll wipe us out with the self satisfaction of a mother at the sight of her first born's birthing. she'll destroy us all to create anew. she'll have her planet back and will finally be able to start to heal.

the destruction and ending of my species is mother nature's greatest hope. it's okay panda bears. just imagine how that feels.

if i could fight one person....

i'd fight me.

i've seen you staring me down and sizing me up. i hear what you say about me. i know all about your ill will towards me. i know that in your mind, there's nothing more pleasurable to you than to see me fall. you want nothing more than for me to give up and lie down for the rest of my life. you'd love to silence me, to shut me up for good, to beat me down so bad that i never find the will to even try to get back up. 

you stalk me at my every move. you throw stones when i smile. you bite my hand as i reach out for contentment. you look at me and tell me i'm no good. i look at you and tell you that you're all that isn't good about me. you're the poison in my well. you're the enemy within. you're me and you're the biggest threat to my well being.

one day i'm gonna slam you to the ground and pounce onto your body like steel onto clay. i'm gonna grasp my hands around your throat and choke the life out of you. i'm going to stare into your eyes and ask you if you're having a good time. was it all worth it? every time you set me back and made me feel like less than i am... it's all lead us both to this moment. me watching you as you struggle for air, as your face contorts and changes color. i will watch you die. i want to know what the last breath that seeps out of your stupid mouth feels like on my skin. 

and when it's all finally over, i'll get up and walk away and i'll never stop to look back. i'll keep moving forward. i'll forget this ever happened. i'll burn the memories and scatter the ashes into the great blue sky. you'll be gone forever, completely removed from all existence, like you never happened.

blood suckers

yesterday, my legs were under attack from mosquitoes. my legs, from the knees down are now covered in mosquito bites. blood suckers. this is the price i pay for wearing shorts in a park outdoors. don't seem like much of a crime, but i've felt the punishment of blood sucking for a lot less in life and in many more painful forms. blood sucking is nothing new. i add the mosquitoes to a long list of every other blood sucker i have to deal with on a daily basis.

my government sucks my blood through my wallet. they take my taxes and spend it on things i don't want. they use my money to feed a war machine that i'm ashamed of. when i hear of missile attacks in foreign lands, or military operations that leave dead women and children in its wake, i know that i helped pay for that. i didn't want it but i got it. it's all mine. i am the unwilling owner of bloodshed and misery.

my job sucks my blood through my soul. my job is not the land of dreams. no one wished on a star to make it here. this is a place where people go when they're able to carve out a decent living if they're willing to put their passion aside. at least i'm still aware of this. i'm surrounded by drones who are brainwashed on wishy-washy corporate philosophy. empty words to help fill their empty souls. i'm not alone. it's not just my job, it's many jobs. it's a soul sucking job pandemic. we're told to be grateful for what we have as our souls bleed red onto the keyboards we maniacally clang away at all day.

large corporations swing gigantic axes too large for me to dodge. when the swipes come my way, i brace myself and walk it off. they swipe at my mind that they try to melt with an all out brain numbing, advertising assault. there's no cover, no protection, no shielding available. i am under a constant bombardment of companies telling me what's good for me and bullying me into a lifestyle i'm too hypnotized to realize i'm not interested in.

salesmen, politicians, and religious figures scream at me from hoisted pedestals. i figure anyone who can speak from that on high must know what they're talking about. their elegant deceit robs me of confidence in my own ideas. they cut deep into my psyche until i am left with no choice but to trade in my free thinking for their rigid salvation.

certain friends, family, and acquaintances borrow my blood in hopes that when it's my turn and i'm in need of blood, they'll be there to pay the favor right back. i don't mind giving you my blood but sometimes i get the feeling that i'm being taken for more than i'll ever be given. sometimes they need a lot more blood than seems necessary. sometimes i'm in need, and when i look around, some of the people who've taken the most in the bond of love and trust are no where to be found.

blood suckers come in many forms and are always on the attack. from the moment i was born, forces outside of my immediate existence have been after my blood. they'll chase my blood till it's all said and done. when i expire, they'll demand my debts, that i died to get out of, be paid in blood. they'll storm my funeral and shakedown my loved ones. they'll demand blood, anyone's blood. the blood suckers will never surrender.

and it serves me right, because in the end, i was a blood sucker too.

lottery tickets

i buy lottery tickets every tuesday and friday for the mega millions jackpot. i'm unloading hundreds of dollars in very small increments over a long period of time all so i can feel the hope... the hope to be made into a mega millionaire overnight, the hope to never have to worry about another bill in my life, the hope that my life can change in a moment's notice and that everything will be infinitely better than it is right now.

and although i fair a better chance of getting hit by lightning or dying in a car crash, i go on with it $1 at a time. y'know what they say, you gotta be in it to win it. i'm in it. i'm no sucker. someone won last week. they're no different than me. they were in it to win it. why not me? i'm not gonna miss out on this opportunity. i'm not gonna sit back and watch as they make millionaires out of everyone else. i'm a contender.... two times a week.

but what if i do win? i hate to even think about it. cuz as soon as it starts, things get out of control and my head becomes filled with the idea of things i can never afford. if i go on with the rest of my life without ever winning the lottery, i'll always have these images of what i would do with all that money to torture me and belittle me for my ever so average life.

i struggle now. i'm a member of the day-to-day working class who grinds it out from paycheck to paycheck. i speak my peace. i have my own ideas on utopia and how to attain it. i exercise. i read. i write. i try and fit as much life as i can into the spare hours i get when i'm not working or sleeping. i'm not ashamed of who i am or what i do. life is a struggle but i can handle it. i'm not giving up. i wake up everyday with a sense of purpose. i look to burn my imprint into life. if i bleed, sweat, and cry, i keep focus. i don't wanna be just another dude getting by, forgotten with the dust. i want you to know i was here.

and what if that all stops the moment i win millions of dollars? what if i get soft? what if i feel like now that i finally have enough money to be comfortable all the time that i'll do just that? i'll go out of my way to make sure i'm never challenged or stressed out or over burdened. i'll surround myself in an environment where tears, sweat, and bloodshed can't find me. i'll create my own multi-million dollar delusion and tell myself it's okay, i was in it to win it. i deserve this. i have the right to these millions of dollars. i have the right to stop trying. the struggle is over.

i hope my hunger to make noise doesn't disappear. i hope i can enjoy the sudden riches but still see through the bullshit. the world's still a cold place that needs a lot of improving. people are still broken. i may be okay, but that doesn't make it okay for me to ignore the plight of the world around me.

if i ever win the lottery, i hope it doesn't change who i am. i hope i don't become selfish and clueless to the world around me. i hope i don't lose touch. i hope that all the words i've ever let fly out of my mouth don't suddenly drop to the floor, deflated and meaningless.