i had a dream that bob dylan was a friend of mine

(this post is heavily inspired by the song, 'bob dylan dream,' by against me!)

i had a dream that me and bob dylan were friends. it wasn't bob dylan now though... it was a younger bob dylan... somewhere in the early 70's when he had already gone electric but still before the born again jesus freak stage.

he was giving me advice about life. he told me to go out and do what i wanna do but that most importantly to enjoy life. he said there's gonna be a lot of people that want me to be a lot of things to them and that it'll be impossible to be all things to all people. he said i'd have a hard enough time being everything i ever wanted to be to myself... that the idea of what other people demanded of me was irrelevant. he said that if i go out and do as i like and follow my own guidelines for what is good in this world, that i'd have no worries finding loved ones to surround myself with. and if i was honest to myself, i'd find myself amongst honest company at most times.

he went on to warn that it's hard to dodge certain archetypes and classifications. the hippies wanted a piece of bob dylan. but dylan never said he was a hippie. he had protested against segregation and war before it was the cool thing that all the kids were into. he didn't need to consider himself a hippie just because he sorta in some way helped influence a good amount of them. he was only gonna be bob dylan through and through and that if some hippies liked it and some didn't, that was alright by him. he figured the hippies that understood were the cool ones. hippies that didn't demand bob dylan to be one of them were the only hippies dylan would enjoy the company of.

he went electric at a folk music festival. if you were there that night, you would've thought satan took the stage when dylan plugged in and gave his electric guitar a whirl. sure, a good amount of the audience enjoyed it but it was the folk music elitists that flipped out. to them dylan turned his back on the folk music movement. but if bob dylan didn't go electric that night, bob dylan would've turned his back on himself, and that was more important than anything.

he said he was a big believer in the whole, 'to thine own self be true,' school of thought and that not enough people were into that. a lot of people talk about it and will tell you that's how they live... but that's not how most people live their lives. he told me to watch out about how i talk about the way i live life. it'd be better to just live my life the way i wanted to without much talk about it at all. the actions explain themselves and words are useless when it comes to a concept as big and mysterious as living.

he told me we all had songs. not that everyone's a songwriter... but deep inside we all got something to share or say or do.. something we think other people need to hear a bit of. and much like everything else about bob dylan in my dream, people were free to like or dislike whatever it is that's in the songs in our heads. but it was important that we got it out there. if everyone let their songs flow out of them, it would do the world much good. the world needed more music, more songs, more art, more creativity and energy directed towards acts of self expression. he said that as people, we keep too much caged inside of us. it's good if we almost try to force it out if we don't feel it flowing. after enough forcing, the flow will come naturally. these songs sit in our bellies as poison but when they hit the oxygen they transform into something more powerful and beautiful.

and then he picked up his guitar and said it was time to go. bob dylan had somewhere to be. he wasn't sure where, but he knew it was somewhere and he knew he'd get there right at the time his presence was needed the most.

in defense of snooki and jwoww

i didn't want it to come to this. i'm not a fan of 'jersey shore.' i've never sat down and watched an episode. i'm totally not interested.

and i'm quick to cast negative judgment on most reality stars. the whole concept irks me. people become obsessed with these shows and these people on these shows and it seems like a whole lot of undeserved idolatry. and usually, that makes me not wanna like the thing that's being falsely idolized.

but most of the time it's not their fault. sure, in a perfect world for josh, there'd be no reality tv at all... but that's not gonna happen.. so i gotta realistically deal with the world the way it is. reality tv is huge. and while most reality stars seem like people i wouldn't wanna connect with in the real world, it's not entirely their fault.

everyone's to blame. most of the blame should go to the people who watch these shows. you're the reason reality fame is possible. snooki and jwoww can get on the cover of magazines cuz people go out and buy those magazines. there's a demand for it... why should snooki and jwoww not cash in?

recently snooki and jwoww have moved to jersey city, a neighboring town that's home to a ton of friends and acquaintances of mine. and it seems jersey city for the most part (or at least the people i know from jersey city) is up in arms about these two filming a show here.

but how many of those complaining watched 'jersey shore' before they ever considered a spin off in jersey city? you can't cheer for something that's far away and then get uptight cuz that same thing that was a source of entertainment for you is now in your backyard.

and ok fine, maybe a lot of you hated 'jersey shore,' so that whole last paragraph doesn't apply to you. and now you're mad at snooki and jwoww and wish they'd disappear. but why shouldn't they be in jersey city? i'm sure those two didn't look at a map and say, 'we wanna go here.' jersey city is most likely the choice of tv producers and market research. for whatever reason, jersey city has something that makes it a viable option for this spin off.

snooki and jwoww are just two opportunistic people who are probably making the smartest decision of their lives right now. mtv is writing them checks so the two of them can "be themselves" on tv. meanwhile, i gotta wake up at 7:30am tomorrow to go bury myself in excel spreadsheets for what has gotta be a fraction of the pay that they're receiving.

snooki and jwoww have no logical reason to say no to this. the only reason they should say no is cuz a ton of people don't want them there. but who cares? that'd be the most illogical reason for them to turn it down. they're polarizing figures and whether you love them or hate them, you've suddenly filled your facebook news feeds and twitter time lines with their names... over and over and over and over...

and there's no such thing as bad publicity. the mtv money machine's not gonna break down cuz a couple of jersey city hipsters wanna cry about the purity of their beloved city on the internet.

casting negative emotions onto them will get you no where cuz they're going no where. if you're not into it, you'd be better off turning around and pretending it's not there. any acknowledgment, positive or negative, is a win for them....

says the dude who just wrote a goddamn blog post about them.

the dude who snores upstairs

the guy who lives upstairs from me snores. i shouldn't know this. the ceiling in between us should be enough to block out these sounds. but it's not. his snore breezes right through his floor, through my ceiling and delivered to my ears... usually at a time when i'm trying to sleep.

sometimes i need to play music or listen to sports talk radio real low to try and drown the sound of his snoring out. just so my mind can concentrate on anything... anything at all, besides this dude snoring.

and the thing is, when it comes to sleeping, i can usually sleep through anything. noises don't bother me. if my body and mind are telling me it's time for bed, there's almost nothing that can stop it from happening once i put my head to pillow.

but snoring... snoring is that one glaring objection. snoring is the only sound i know that can consistently keep me from sleeping. once i hear that snore, i can't concentrate on anything else... it drives me crazy, causes me to toss and turn and try and invent ways to somehow not let the snoring get to me.

and i can't fault the dude. from what i've been told, i snore on occasion. i don't think i snore as bad as this dude, but snoring happens. people do it all the time. it's not like he purposely snores to keep me awake. i'm sure if he had a choice, he'd choose not to snore. i know i would.

so here it is, this involuntary noise... and that's the one that drives me crazy. this dude has an army of children living upstairs. they march and run back and forth. i hear banging from above and i swear the sky's gonna fall (and for you long time joshaintfunny readers, you already know the sky has fallen before in my apartment). but if i'm tired... that won't keep me up. i can consistently nap a sunday afternoon away while the kids upstairs play cowboys and indians.

if it were any other voluntary sound, it probably wouldn't bother me. loud music, loud tv, loud shouting, loud sex... none of it can keep me up.

there's only one thing i know of in all of existence that can consistently stop me from falling asleep.... and the dude upstairs just happens to do it on an almost nightly basis.

guess it's time to start counting sheep.

babies and shit

my friends roy and liz just had a baby today. boom, just like that. they created a whole other person and they are now responsible for that baby's life for at least as long as they can care for her till they get really old and she in turn has to take care of them.

my circle of friends are late bloomers all across the board. baby creating isn't very frequent. marriage is probably even less frequent. i see other people my age in other circles elsewhere that seem light years ahead of me. like at age 32 i should be knee deep in grade school shit already... thinking about saving funds for college and a bigger place to live cuz child number 2, 3, or 4 is on the way.

and i'm not begrudging them cuz their ahead of me and i'm not begrudging myself cuz i'm behind them.

but sometimes i wonder... when i'm out doing things like barhopping and enjoying myself and all the freedom the life of not parenting can provide, is the tide of marriage and baby having on its way? will roy and liz be just the beginning of a baby boom among people i know? will all our children grow up together and form a gang and take over schools and playgrounds and shit? cuz that'd be pretty cool.

i don't know... this blog's pretty pointless cuz everyone should do things at their pace and i have no instruction, philosophy, or wisdom to gauge when is the right time for whatever... for all i know, there is no gauge for a right time... shit just happens and you roll with it and it'll never be easy to explain.

i hope for all the best for roy and liz and their daughter alice. i look forward to being around friends and their children and watching them grow up. hopefully some of the rest of us can get to the procreating soon (i'm pointing the finger at everyone but me, cuz i know my role... awesome uncle!) so alice has friends close in age and can do that whole, 'take over the playground' thing. cuz if there's one thing i know about life, the more the merrier!

an obligatory blog post for kurt cobain's birthday

kurt cobain would've been 45 today... if he were still alive.

i've pretty much blogged and written extensively about kurt cobain in the past.. he's probably the one historical figure i've written more about than anyone else. so i don't wanna get too deep into his life, legacy, or the subject of suicide. i just have a small collection of random thoughts.

i was listening to nirvana's unplugged album the other day. i've been playing it a lot lately actually. it's become a nice, mellow listen for me when i just wanna lay around and do nothing. it's such a raw and oddly beautiful collection of songs. it's like i'm almost as surprised as i was when i first heard it... there was a part of me that didn't expect it to be that good (although if you would've asked 15 year old me, i would've never confessed to that. nirvana was like a sports team to me that could do no wrong and would win all their games). and here i am at age 32 in 2012 still thoroughly enjoying the hell out of that album.

i think one of the more amazing moments of this amazing album is how it ended. it was a cover of leadbelly's, "where did you sleep last night." and kurt might've covered that song better than any song's ever been covered anywhere. his vocals practically rip the flesh from my bones... it feels so haunting and chilling and oddly intense. i can only imagine the vibe in the room right after the song ended.

according to legend, there was some banter about an encore but supposedly they just couldn't do it... there was nothing left to give, they gave all they had already. there was nothing that was gonna top that... there was no way to not end it on that note. if ever you were looking for a perfect ending, nirvana just delivered it.

and there's the banter in between songs. kurt seems so vulnerable yet funny. but not stand up comic, set up/punchline funny... it's a more organic type of humor. to me, it doesn't sound like the voice of a man almost at the end of his rope. it sounds more like a dude who i'd get a kick out of hanging out with... not anything crazy...seemed like the kinda dude you could kick back with and listen to records and chitchat.

but that's just my own odd interpretation of things. to each their own form of deciphering.

anyways... as 15 year old josh would say, "NIRVANA FOREVER!"

the homeless guy outside of quick check

there's a homeless dude who's always outside of the local quick check doing the homeless thing. i have to see him almost everyday. and for some reason, i'm bothered by him. but i don't know if it's him personally that bothers me. i think he represents something bigger that i can't stand to acknowledge.

the only thing i slightly hold against him personally is when people walk past him, his usual statement is, "help the homeless please." him asking for money doesn't bother me, but it's his choice of words. it's as if he's trying to say that if i give him a dollar, i'm gonna help ALL the homeless. but the homeless problem is so much bigger than that.

i'm sure the dude himself is a nice enough fella. i don't have anything against homeless people. in fact i feel really bad for most homeless people. and that's where a lot of my issues with this one dude in particular start. he wants to be a representative for all the homeless? he already is in my life. he's the one homeless dude i have to see more than any other homeless person. whether he wants the role or not, he's already been crowned as my ambassador for the entire homeless population of the country.

i don't wanna look at homeless people and instantly feel bad for them. and i don't know if me saying and feeling that is good or bad. i can only base it on how i'd feel if people looked at me and their first thought was, 'i feel really bad for josh.' i don't want that.... ever. i don't care what the circumstances are. i don't like the idea of people laying their sympathies on me. it somehow makes me feel less than human.

but i know some people feel bad for others because they're nice people. they show concern for their fellow man. it's sorta a beautiful concept and yet i can't stand it.

and when i see homeless people, i think about how much i don't appreciate what i've got. i've totally taken so much in life for granted. i know i probably shouldn't size myself up against homeless people to feel like a success in life, but i can't help but notice that i have a home and they don't. that's really shitty for them and i should be in total appreciation that i have a warm place to go and call home. but i don't appreciate it as much as i should. i always catch myself bitching about this and that, but what i got is pretty good.

and homelessness can happen to anyone. i think you only need about 2-3 bad breaks in a row before anyone could find themselves out on the streets. the world can be cruel and before any of us know it, we could be down and out and forgotten. that's a scary concept to me.

so when i see the homeless guy outside of quick check, i'm filled with all these conflicting emotions. i feel bad for him but i hate that i feel bad for him because he's a human being with dignity that doesn't need my sympathies. i wish there was something that could be done to help improve his life dramatically and yet i look at him as a cautionary tale to keep my own shit together. i know he's a person like anyone else with some sorta pride inside and yet here he is swallowing it so he can ask me for a dollar.

and i'm reluctant to give him a dollar. if i give him a dollar, then i have to give every homeless person i see a dollar. and then all the sudden i've given out all my dollars and i have none of my own. and suddenly i'll find myself asking other people for a dollar. it's a viscous cycle i wanna avoid... selfish feelings of self preservation flow through me when i think about it. it makes me feel awful and yet logical at the same time.

but then sometimes i think, 'just give him a fucking dollar.' who knows? maybe the dude goes and gets a cup of hot coffee and it's the best moment of his day. i bet his appreciation for a hot cup of coffee totally outweighs mine. i'm always drinking coffee on the run... going to work or wherever, stop somewhere, get coffee while on the grind. i bet when he drinks a cup of coffee, his day stops and he truly enjoys the ever loving fuck out of that cup of joe.

but beyond a cup of coffee, who can really help him? who can really help ALL the homeless? if you were an employer, you wouldn't give this man a job. if you were a landlord, you wouldn't give this guy an apartment. where do they go? they can't even find square one. i'm sure if this dude had a chance to take a microsoft excel class and take my job, he'd do it... but that's not available to him. in many ways we're the same... both doing what we have to do for the sake of self preservation. all he's got is that quick check that never closes which provides him with several opportunities to seek survival.

some people may think he did something to deserve being homeless. and maybe he did. but that don't make shit right. we shouldn't ask, "what'd he do to become homeless?" the right question we should be asking is, "how do we help him not be homeless anymore?"

the homeless guy outside of quick check is not just a homeless guy. he's a beacon of despair. he's the symbol of all that is bad, wrong, and ugly in society. things are not all good. they never will be while he stands outside that quick check asking all of us, day after day, to help the homeless. and we all walk by too busy in our own lives. we're too busy to help the homeless cuz we're too busy trying not to be homeless ourselves. he's the product of our collective ugliness as a society. he's there everyday in our faces reminding us that shit's fucked up and we're all partially to blame.... every last one of us.

one hit wonders

(inspired by a vh1 show about the top 40 one hit wonders of the 90's which i just finished watching.)

i'd totally be content to be a one hit wonder. i don't see any shame in it at all. sometimes i hear the term one hit wonder thrown around like it's a bad thing. but i can't help but wonder how many artists are out there that don't have any hits for every single artist that has 1, and only 1, hit. i'm sure the ratio is easily one-to-anywhere in the thousands. and then i can't help but think about all the people that never became artists or picked up an instrument but somewhere in their imaginations at some point in their life dreamed of writing music and being famous.

it's like a marathon to me. one hit wonders finished the marathon. you can't take that shit away from them. they ran a little over 26 miles in one day and that alone is fucking amazing and should be applauded.

and whenever i see a one hit wonder getting interviewed 20 years later, they always seem happy. they made a boatload of money, hopefully did something with it to make it last, and went on and did whatever they wanted to do with their lives. i can't help but notice a pattern of one hit wonders becoming producers, songwriters, and a bunch of other cool stuff behind the scenes in music.

and one hit wonders seem to be just famous enough. they get recognition every so often but it's not like they're in a constant footrace against the paparazzi. i imagine a lot of one hit wonders sign just enough autographs that not only are they not sickened by the task, but still in total appreciation that their signature still makes someone's day.

and then i'm sure they get the occasional gig. how cool is that? they don't have the immense pressure to tour the world every 2-3 years... but every so often there will be some festival somewhere and the organizers will think something like, 'how awesome would it be if we could get right said fred to perform 'i'm too sexy' for the people?'

so if a one hit wonder is smart, they'll usually still have a much cooler life for having that one hit than if they never had that one hit at all. if all the success i could ever find in life were to match that of the average one hit wonder, i'd be more than happy with that outcome.

i'm calling you out february

the whole month of february is a fraud.

it's fitting that i write this on valentine's day... which is a fraudulent holiday. valentine's day is a good excuse for people in relationships to buy each other stuff and treat each other real nice. but any good couple already does this sorta nice stuff on a regular basis. they don't need a special day cuz what they have is special.

valentine's day is for the insecure. if you're not confident in your relationship, then go ahead and go all out on this one specific day. but any good boyfriend or girlfriend should have the bases covered on all days.

then i find out while listening to the local classic rock radio station this morning that today is also, 'national condom day.' i guess that's clever since it's also valentine's day and the assumption is a lot of people will be having sex.

1- a lot of people should be having sex everyday. we're humans with sexual desires and needs. i don't think a specific day should increase the amount of sex we have. if so, that says something about the amount of sex we're having every other day. like we need to be pushed by a holiday to make the sparks fly.

2- everyday should be condom day. if that's where you're at in your relationship, using protection and whatnot, then this should definitely not demand a specific special day to inspire you to rock a condom.

if there's gonna be a holiday for condom wearing, it should be a non-condom wearing day (unethical, i know... i'm just sayin). that'd be some shit dudes around the world would celebrate.

but enough about february 14th.

february begins with groundhog's day which is another bunch of bs. we've come so far in advances in science... we should no longer be relying on the shadow of a groundhog to tell us what the weather's gonna be like. we've evolved past silly stuff like this. get rid of it, don't need it. it's a fraud.

february is also black history month. but why should black history be segregated to one month? and not only is it a short month, but it's usually a miserable month weather wise. it's the month when everyone's tired of winter and they just want the whole month to end already.

black history should be an all year thing. we should be ashamed that we even need a specific month to put a spotlight on it. then what does that say about how we view black history those other 11 months of the year?

and february's short. it's 28 days (sometimes 29). it can't even hit the minimum 30 days every other month is able to make. and every leap year it goes crazy and demands an extra day. fuck you february. you're lazy and unstable. be like the rest of the months... 30 or 31 days.

"too much politics"

about ten years ago, i was working at the sheraton in weehawken. the sheraton had a great location. it's right on the hudson river on the jersey side with an awesome view of new jersey.

this job, like many jobs, had lots of conflict within. a lot of employees getting on each others nerves and what not. i spent three years at the sheraton and with the exception of a sad semester and a half in a community college, i pretty much consider the sheraton my college years.

that's the backdrop for this story... or hardly a story, just a moment, but an awe inspiring moment, one i haven't forgotten.

when the weather was nice, i'd take my smoke breaks and walk right over to the hudson river. i'd be there right on the edge looking at nyc, smoking my cigarette, and taking it all in. just looking for about 7 minutes of relaxation before it was time to get back to the grind.

one summer day i went for my smoke break and when i got to the edge along the hudson river, there was a dude sitting there. he brought a chair and fishing gear (fishing wasn't an uncommon thing. a lot of people did it when the weather was nice). he sat there with his line in the water waiting for a bite. i lit my cigarette.

i can't remember who said something to someone first. but he must've asked me how i was doing. and i started bitching about work. it started innocently enough... "i just need this stoge cuz i can't deal with these people in there today." i was referring to coworkers, not customers (pick a poison, they both got on my nerves most days).

i must've complained about a manager or something and this dude sat there and listened. didn't interject. he was a middle aged, graying, biker looking dude. i didn't know what to expect. a part of me wondered why i bitched so openly to some random dude.

when my work related rant was over, he looked at me and said:

"eh.... too much politics."

and i was dumbfounded. i can't explain it fully in words. but it made absolute fucking sense. he was absolutely right. i had let the politics of the workplace consume me when i should've just been above it. i explained to him how much i agreed...

but then my agreement turned into me citing examples of bullshit going on at my job and he turns to me again and says:

"too much politics."

and i stood there silent. i got the point. there was nothing more i had to tell this dude. he nailed it.

i put my stoge out and said it was good to meet him and he said likewise.

there's something about that moment. whenever shit gets crazy in life and i feel entangled by other people... whether it be coworkers, friends, family, acquaintances... i say to myself, "this is just too much politics."

and when i look at the problems in the world, in the country, in my neighborhood, all around me, i wonder how the hell things got so bad. and then i realize, "too much politics."

this dude... this fishing biker buddha..... he laid a most important lesson upon me. most of the time shit's so simple and we complicate it with bullshit. we add bullshit to everything for who knows what reasons... all for the sake of politics.

there's too much.

too much politics.

that's all.

just keep running

that's what i tell myself.

no matter how i'm feeling. good days, bad days, blah days... doesn't matter. just keep running. no amount of celebration or sadness should derail me from keeping up with my running habit.

running is good for all days. what i get out of running is priceless. it's healthy, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. running is my time, it's time alone, time to reflect. it's a time to challenge myself and overcome that challenge. every running session ends in victory.

i'm sure everyone's got their own thing to cope. everyone needs that time alone to clear their heads and think shit out. for me, that's running. when i'm running i'm totally alone... never more alone and with myself than in those moments, one foot after another as a fury of thoughts spin in my brain.

sometimes when i run, it's like my body's moving faster but my brain is moving slower. it's finally slowing down. and now my brain is far from overdrive. now my brain is able to process whatever it is that's going on in my life... if things were feeling hectic and i was beginning to feel like i couldn't handle everything i got going on... somewhere during that run the unmanageable becomes manageable.

when i'm running, i feel great. i know it's a great habit for me. if i was feeling down and out in any sorta way, running helps get rid of all of that nonsense. a constant thing i like to say to myself is that depressed people don't run. now i got absolutely no science to back this up and it could very well be bullshit. but it seems to work for me. any feelings of slight sadness or depression are conquered when i run.

the hardest part for me when i'm feeling down is starting. but i tell myself, over and over and over and over, "just keep running."

cuz once that first foot hits the ground, it all comes back. the music's blaring in the ipod. all may not be right with the world, but this run will probably get me closer to it than not running at all.

if i'm ever feeling old or beat up or weak... that shit all disappears during a run. when i'm running, my definition of 'old' changes. old is when i'm too old to run. when my body ages to a point where i can no longer run, then, and only then will i begin to consider myself old.

and sometimes i feel beat up. running all the time does that to me. and there are some days when i run a little slower or a shorter distance. but even on those days, i'll visualize me when i first started, me unable to complete a mile... coughing, out of breath, miserable and in pain... i'll visualize that version of me and think about how far along i've come. so what if for just one day i run a little slower? i've come so far... it's so much to be proud of.

i take days off. everyone needs rest. but those days help me to miss running. and days when i run usually feel more complete than the days that i don't. but those days off are good.... cuz sometimes when i'm telling myself, "just keep running," it gets low like a whisper... not a lot of strength behind the statement. but on those days off, it gets louder. by the next day the volume increases and i'm yelling it out loud to myself, "JUST KEEP RUNNING."

a letter from jenny

to whomever it may concern,

i'm guilty of letting a man love me, not only love me, but love me with everything he had from the bottom of his heart. he knew what love was, that's for sure. and in many ways, i was amazed how a man like this could possibly know more about love than me.

i didn't love him back in the same manner, not like how he loved me. but i was never clear about it. he was a brother to me. we grew up together, side by side. we were inseparable as kids and this would lay a foundation for something unbreakable for the rest of my life.

and believe me, unbreakable it was. i tried my hardest to break it. i wanted to destroy it. not just it, not just him, not just his undying love for me... it was a small part of the bigger problem. i wanted to burn my past. so i burnt bridges and ran across the country till i finally felt free.

along the way i found many like minded people. we were all runners, sprinting from our pasts. now we could be whoever we wanted to be and it felt free and it felt great. and everything that had ever happened before was no more.

the past is funny though. when you think you have it buried and out of sight, it finds its way into your present. i would run into him many times in my life, at the oddest places and moments. and though he was part of the past i burned, he was also the only thing i ever enjoyed of the past and when i'd see him my heart would skip beats.

every time we ran into each other throughout the years, we would rediscover our bond and warm memories would come to me and i'd think about how this man was the only good thing i ever had at one time in my life.

one time along the way i tried to let him be something more. i thought i could settle down and finally call a place home. and for just a little while it was nice.

and then he asked me to marry him. i turned back into the runner i knew i always would be.

nine months later i bore his child. he didn't know and i couldn't get in touch to tell him. turns out he was a runner too. my latest departure from his life was the gunshot he needed to hear to send him off.

years passed. i was finally able to get in touch with him. i asked to see him and he came to visit me. it was then that he met his son. i cried. i cried tears of true love. here we were all in the same room, father, mother and son... and i was complete.

and i was dying.

the happiest day of my life was the day i finally married that man. but my heart remains heavy knowing that i've finally found happiness and my time remaining here with him, with my son, with my family, is limited.

consider this my final testament. i don't know if there's a lesson to be learned. i don't know what to say that could possibly put a bow on this package and wrap it up nicely.

i'm finally complete and i'm dying.

forever and beyond,

jenny gump

punk's not dead (a story about true love at first sight)

i was a late bloomer to punk rock. i didn't have my first true punk rock epiphany till age 18. but when it happened, it happened hard. and it became one of the greatest nights of my life.

i knew of punk rock. i even listened to a little punk rock, especially the ramones. but i wasn't passionately into punk rock. i didn't know of or listen to a lot of punk bands.

i always had friends that listened to punk rock though. and for that i'm grateful cuz without at least some introduction to punk rock, i would've never did what i did that one night in montreal. i owe a great deal of gratitude towards my friend kevin especially who showed me who the dropkick murphys (and countless other bands) were when we'd drive around new jersey on crazy, all night road trips.

i went to montreal with my brother phil and a few of his fraternity brothers. there's two great reasons to go to montreal, especially for fraternity dudes... the drinking age is 18 and montreal is packed with strip clubs... tons of strip clubs... an absolutely ridiculous amount of strip clubs.

i might've been a little over my head on this trip. i wasn't certain if i'd mix well with frat dudes. the 8 hour van ride up wasn't too bad and we got to know each other a bit. but i'm also not crazy about strip clubs. i wanted a getaway, didn't matter how... but everyone else in this van packed with testosterone wanted lap dances.

when we first got there we hit some bars, got hammered, had fun. then we hit a strip club and i was immediately the odd man out. i find the whole thing awkward. i don't really know how to put money in a g-string without feeling somehow bad about it. i didn't go for any lap dances. i mostly sat there, watched women dance from afar, and drank beer.

the next day we hit a bar called peel's pub. it's this great, wide open place that's more like a school cafeteria than a bar and they had a ton of cheap drinks. we were sitting there doing the drinking thing. off in the distance i see a dude and a chick at another table and they looked like a couple of punk rock kids. the dude had a shirt that said 'lookout records.' at the time i didn't know what 'lookout records' was. but it didn't matter. lookout records would be semi-responsible for the adventure to follow.

punk chick and punk dude get up and go to leave. they're walking towards my direction. and in a moment without much thought i say to the dude as he's passing, 'hey man, cool shirt.'

he stops and says, 'oh thanks man. hey, are you going to the dropkick murphys show?'

i told him i wasn't, that i didn't know they were in town. him and his girl look at each other and tell me that they're on their way to the show now. if i wanna split a cab with them, i could.

i looked at everyone at my table, and quickly said, 'i'll see you guys later. i'm gonna go see the dropkick murphys.'

i got up and got in the cab with them. it's to this day one of the greatest fucking decisions i've ever made in my life. we got to the venue, 'club soda,' and they still had tickets. i bought one, went in and hit the bar.

the punk couple went their own way inside the venue. lars frederiksen and the bastards were on the stage. at the time i had no idea that lars frederiksen was also a member of rancid. i was that fresh to all things punk rock. i did my best to get lost in the crowd. i moshed it up and bounced around a bit.

when the bastards left the stage, i went and got another beer. i made some small talk with some canadian punk rockers. for the record, from my experience, canadian punk rockers are really cool and friendly. even the moshing was fun. there wasn't a lot of face punching, fist swinging aggression. it was a lot more bouncing around and bumping into each other. very cool scene.

the dropkick murphys hit the stage. i knew nothing about these guys except that a bunch of my friends loved them and they were irish. i didn't let my lack of knowledge stop me. as soon as the music started, i jumped around, moshed, screamed, clapped, smiled and had a hell of a time.

by the end of their set, i was a sweaty mess. i felt awesome, awestruck, and alive. but the best was yet to come. murhpys hit the stage for an encore. i can't remember how many songs they did exactly... but somewhere around their cover of ac/dc's 'dirty deeds,' shit got wild. people started rushing the stage. when i saw that, i rushed the stage. i got up on there and people were moshing and running around and singing and screaming all around the band on the stage. i got lost in the fray and did my best to keep bouncing into other people bouncing into other people.

and then it ended. the music stopped. the band was leaving. and there i was with what felt like a hundred or so other people on a stage looking out onto the rest of the venue. there's no words to describe this moment.

i got off the stage and made my way to the merch table. picked up a shirt and a cd and i was out, it was time for me to find my way back to the hotel. i was alone on the streets of a new city i knew nothing about and i felt totally cool and complete about it. i got back to the hotel room... drenched in sweat i excitedly told the others about my adventure.

i was in love.

a couple days later there was an oi fest in montreal. i read about it in a paper and i decided i was gonna go meet the new love of my life once more. i told the others about it and the super cool thing is one of phil's friends, michael, said he wanted to come with me. i thought that was totally cool and it definitely beat going alone.

we took a cab and watched a bunch of bands neither of us knew nothing about. but michael didn't care. he was there to have fun. we drank beers and moshed it up a bit. it was cool to have a buddy to hang with and it was really cool that he was into it.

the headlining band was a band called the hudson falcons. after the show was over i bought a hudson falcons cd and asked the lead singer to sign it. i told him how i was from jersey and i just fell in love with punk rock and he thought it was great. and it turned out he was from jersey too. we spent some time joking around and trading jersey stories. and then we were off.

we were leaving back to jersey the next day. i was ready to go back home. i got my getaway. i had my happening. shit would never be the same. i loved punk rock and i'm pretty sure punk rock loved me back.

thank you look out records. thank you dude with the look out records shirt. thank you dropkick murphys. and thank you montreal. my love for your city will always burn. your soil gave birth to the punk rock seed in my soul.

and michael, if you ever read this... every time i saw you after the montreal trip, you'd always say, 'josh, when we going to another show?' we never did go to another show but if you wanna hit something up, let me know. i'd still be totally down.

so much unfunny

i aspire to be a funny dude. not just with stand up comedy or writing blogs. i aspire to be a well rounded funny dude who can be funny in a pinch for any social or work related situation that you can think of. most situations can be helped with a laugh. i wanna be the dude that makes the laugh happen.

i also think most people have some sort of a sense of humor. everyone's capable of being funny. but different people are on different paces. some people are funny a lot, some not so much.

i sorta consider myself leaning more towards the 'funny a lot' end of the spectrum. i may be wrong, but if i had to assess myself, that's how i'd grade it.

but no matter who you are, being funny is hard. i think basic probability is against most of us when it comes to being funny. i find being funny is a lot like hitting averages in baseball. if you can hit one out of three, you're a fucking hero.

so based on that logic, i've been unfunny twice for every time i've been funny. if i'm funny 10 times today, i'm also unfunny 20 times today. that's a lot of unfunny.

so i apologize to any and all who've ever had to put up with my many unfunny moments. family, friends, coworkers (albert probably more than anyone), my bad for all that unfunny i drop on you everyday. you're all very patient and kind to even find the inspiration to laugh when i actually am funny.

and in a way, people who don't try to be funny a lot kinda look like heroes. if you're not funny a lot, then when you do say something funny, it's a big ol' surprise and that brings the laughs to a whole new level, cuz the element of surprise has got so much to do with what makes something funny.

if you're funny a lot, people are gonna start putting expectations on you to be funny a lot. that's a lot more let downs.

so people who are funny a lot are still more unfunny than funny and it happens more often. and people who aren't funny a lot aren't funny a lot.

that's a whole lot of unfunny.

my rock band

i don't own an xbox.
i don't play a video game called rock band.
i have no real musical talents or abilities.
i have no band.
you can't catch me on tour.

my rock band only comes out when i'm home alone. my rock band plays to an audience of one, me and me alone (unless my cats are interested, which they usually aren't). it's me singing in the shower. it's me screaming lyrics in my tone def manner till my heart's content. it's me with a water bottle in hand as a microphone singing along to the music.

i'm practicing my moves in the mirror. i'm pretty sure i'm pretty fucking good at this. i'm the audience and i dig the shit out of it. in fact, i show up on my 'all time top 5' bands list. i'm spot five, but hey.... that's not too shabby.

i can play an assortment of air instruments... guitar, bass, drums, keyboard, horns if necessary. i can bounce back and forth from one instrument to another in a flash and sometimes i can play two different air instruments at the same time.

i own all the high scores. i play the hits. i save the best for the encore. i try and sneak a new track in there every so often. if i'm up to it, i'll play 2,3 sometimes even 4 shows a day. i get all sorts of into it and when it's said and done, it feels like i finished a kick ass cardio workout.

i love live albums. i love the track of a raucous crowd going ape shit after every song. in my mind, when i'm performing, they're cheering for me! look at me in all of my awesomeness!

i'm exclusive and reclusive. no one will ever see my rock band for themselves. there's no ticket you can buy. there's no vip's. it's just me and my rock band.

i do it for the love. i do it for the music. i do it cuz looking insane when i'm by myself rocking out to music i love is actually what keeps me sane.

america's first first dude

i don't wanna run for president. that's not for me. i'm not the dude for that job and that's not the job for this dude.

what i wouldn't mind is being married to the president. if i had a wife, and she ran for president and won, i could be the first dude and i think i'd make an awesome first dude.

while the wife is at it making important decisions, i'll be out back barbecuing with jon stewart and bruce willis. what's that? you have world leaders over? ask them how they like their burgers. do they want a beer? we only have american, after all, this is the backyard of the white house.

i'll use my clout to get me all sorts of perks... stuff like sky boxes at sporting events, front row seats at concerts, and free tattoos from the best artists. i'll drive a lap at a nascar race, shoot a 3 pointer at halftime, and call a play for an nfl coach.

i'll have wicked parties at the white house. there'll be keggers and all nighters with politicians, celebrities, and world leaders. in fact i'll be the best part of the trip for visiting world leaders. they'll rush through their meetings and ask if josh is around. and of course i am cuz i never miss an opportunity to throw a few back with well respected members of the global community. i'll invite them to come hang and send them on their way with a nice head buzz and a glimmering impression of america. some will call it slacking off or doing nothing important... i like to think i'll be cultivating world peace.

i'll tour schools all around the country and bring the foo fighters with me. this isn't gonna be your usual boring assembly. eat healthier, exercise more, study hard, and rock out properly cuz that's the american way kids.

i'll do a track with jay-z. it'll be about how awesome america is. you'll hear it more than that song he wrote about new york.

i'll eat hot dogs and shoot fireworks on the 4th of july, give out x-box's for christmas, and publicly call off valentine's day.

i'll high five the queen of england. in fact, i'll high five everybody. that'll be my thing. if you're down with the first dude, give him a high five.

i'll take republicans and democrats and teach them how to play beer pong against each other. filibuster that. they'll be getting along and high fiving each other in no time.

there's a lot wrong with washington and politics in general in america. washington needs a dude to class things up a bit. i'll be that. america, i'm ready to be your first ever first dude.

cuz suicide is painless

(DISCLAIMER!!!! please note: the management at joshaintfunny.blogspot.com thinks everyone should want to live forever and ever and ever. so don't kill yourself after reading this. that'd be totally uncool and stuff.)

a common reaction i hear from people when a celebrity commits suicide is, 'how sad.' i don't find anything sad about it really. there might be something sad in that person's life that drove them to that point, but i don't find the act of suicide itself to be a sad thing.

i think everyone's entitled to call the terms on which they're gonna live by. from how you live it to how you choose to end it, i say this is a decision that should be left to the individual. if for some reason someone is convinced that they don't want to live anymore, why should they feel forced to just because society says so?

i'm not trying to promote suicide either, especially if you got young kids or something like that. i would never personally try and convince someone to kill themselves. i'd never in a moment of giving advice to someone say, 'y'know what you need to do? just end it dude.' never!

and where i stand right now, that's just not how i'd roll personally. i wanna live! i wanna get old! but i don't know what the future's gonna bring me. i don't know what tragedies await me around the corner. maybe it's not even tragedy. maybe one day i'll find myself completely and utterly bored with everything and decide it'd be better to never awake than to be bored for one more minute.

i don't buy the 'going to hell' argument. that's an easy one for me cuz i don't believe in that sorta thing.

i also don't buy it when i hear suicide referred to as the coward's way out. i disagree. i think you gotta be brave as fuck to end your own life on your own terms. never mind the fact that everyone around you probably condemns it, it sorta goes against our instinctual nature to want to survive. to have that much gumption to do something like pull a trigger or jump off a bridge or purposely od on drugs.... that's a heavy decision with no second chance. i think you gotta be anything but a coward to pull it off.

when i first heard about dr.kevorkian, who professionally ended people's lives at their request for a fee, i was one of those dudes who was like, 'okay. little creepy but i see the logic in it.' some people don't wanna live any longer, so much so that there's a steady enough demand for it that kept someone employed.

bottom line, i think everyone's got a right to live their life however they see fit. dying is a part of living. choosing how you die counts. that's not out of bounds. there shouldn't be any penalty for that.

just make sure your affairs are in order. much like anything else, there's a right way and a wrong way of committing suicide. don't leave a mess behind. and that means any and all sorts of messes: physical, emotional, spiritual, financial. don't fuck over anyone else. maybe set aside a little money for burial purposes. be classy about it. it is your final act. don't go out as a douchebag.