tom waits songs

every tom waits song is oddly and imperfectly beautiful. every song sounds like it was raised from the dirt and thrown out into the basking sun only to be sabotaged by an unforeseen rainstorm. and yet, every tom waits song embraces the rain and decides to dance in it while everyone else gawks at it from inside the dry safety of the house.

'what a weirdo,' is the familiar proclamation.

and that's fine cuz a tom waits song doesn't need acceptance of its peers to thrive. somehow, someway, tom waits songs find their way to the ears of those who appreciate. and every so often the sound is delivered to the ears of giants...

bruce springsteen
the eagles
rod stewart
scarlett johansson

i'm pretty sure when tom waits goes out to make music, he follows his own odd little heart and whether there is appreciation by the masses or not, nothing can take away the painstaking amount of heart that is injected into each song.

life should be more like a tom waits song. stop aiming for the billboards. put down the hand sanitizer and play in the dirt for a while. the dirt... that's where we came from. that's where we end up again, much like tom waits songs, enjoying their brief existence in a most oddly imperfect and beautiful way.

geese and three foot monsters

it's not that i wanted the goose to bite you. i don't have any personal animosity towards you specifically. in all likelihood this probably isn't even your fault. the blame most likely falls on your parents or anyone else in your immediate environment who has played a roll in your upbringing to this point so far.

in the eyes of the goose you're chasing around the park, you're a three foot monster. you're an unholy terror that has been unleashed for no reason whatsoever. but to your family around you, you're hilarious.... and adorable. you're a spectacle to behold. a cellphone points in your direction taking video so that this moment can be frozen and eternal. who knows? maybe you'll go viral.

you're only chasing a goose and maybe i'm overreacting. you didn't hurt the goose so no harm, no foul, right? but what is it about knowing that goose didn't bite you that disappoints me?

i don't go throughout my life rooting for children to be bitten by animals. i don't get any sense of joy or satisfaction out of it. it's not the pain or suffering of a child that i crave to see. but what i would like to see is a lesson learned. you're only a child and it's not your fault that no one taught you that we "share" the planet with animals. it's not your fault that i seem to be the only one who sees a kid who doesn't understand that this park is their park as well. in fact, it's more theirs than ours. after all, they do sleep here.

i work in an office building that was built over swamps. there are geese everywhere. one day i was chatting with a coworker who said the following:

"damn geese, they act like they own the place."

i replied with a generic, 'heh,' and politely ended the conversation. but in my head i thought, 'they did own the place. we intruded on them. this is their home.'

but for the most part, we humans don't see things that way. we have an assumed dominance over everything. and while i'm partially playing the role of a meat eating hypocrite here, i don't believe we should assume dominance over animals. i think in the case of parks and forests and wherever else animals are found, we should respect their space and right to roam freely and do as they like.

if that goose would've bit you, you would've learned a lesson. you would've walked away from that experience knowing that geese don't like to be chased around by three foot monsters and will strike back when they've had enough of it.

instead you'll walk away a star for the moment, the target of adulation from all your loved ones. no one you look up to will step in and say, 'hey kid, you shouldn't do that. you might get bit.' no one will inform you that moments like these often have the tendency to go from laughter and smiles to tears and pain.

i didn't want to see you cry. what i wanted to see was a goose change your perspective... not only your perspective, but the perspective of all those around you. if that goose bites you, sure your family gets pissed and blames it all on the goose at first. but somewhere deep down inside, everyone will walk away from this with a better understanding that just like fire unapologetically burns when you put your hand in it, geese will attack when they've had enough of three foot monsters.

sleepers, just stop sleeping

12 laps at the lake = 15k

approximately anyways, give or take....

last night i baptized myself in alcohol. i won't go as far as to say i needed it. but a night out with a couple of good friends was definitely in order and probably a better option than what i originally wanted to do, which was sit at home and think about life.

i don't like to sit still and think. i do it just like any other human does it... but it's not something that i find a whole lot of comfort in. ideally i'd like to always be on the move. much like life, constantly moving, flowing, going forward showing no signs of slowing down ever.

so that's what last night was about. i suddenly found myself someone else's ex-boyfriend and i could've stayed in and sulked in feelings of dejection... but that's just not how i like to operate. instead i called a couple of friends and we hung out, drank beers, shot whiskey, and bullied a jukebox.

i hadn't drank like i drank last night in a while. my body craved healing time so i slept till 1pm. then i laid around my bed for another hour refusing to get up. so my day didn't start till 2pm.

from 1pm-2pm i thought about the rest of today and how it was gonna play out. there was a part of me that wanted to throw in the towel and give up on today before it even began. began? it was 2pm, it had already began for most people hours ago. i was way behind.

i struggled between wasting the day away laying around and doing nothing or getting up and making something happen. finally at 2pm, i kicked myself into gear, got out of bed, fed cats that didn't seem to appreciate my late start, and ran.

whenever i wake up feeling shitty much like i did today, i bargain with myself. i tell myself to go for a run but not to worry if i cut it shorter than usual. a short run is better than no run at all. that's usually how i sucker myself to get into sneakers and take that first step out the door.

but once i hit the park by my house and my body found itself in the familiar running motions, it's like something inside of me takes over. this isn't gonna be a short run. fuck that. running's awesome. i need this. and the laps blend into each other and next thing i know, about 3 albums later on my ipod, i'm approaching lap 11. i've yet to exceed 11 laps at the lake. and in a moment of total clarity, i decided today was gonna be my first ever 12 lap day.

that 12th lap probably looked awful. i probably looked worn down, beat up, and not like much of a runner. but i did it and felt awesome about it.

while out at the lake, i found myself wondering what is it that keeps me running. sure, i appreciate it for it's many benefits to my health. but it's more than that. it does something for me on many levels... it helps me clear my mind and my soul. some people probably associate running with the idea that runners are running away from something. and maybe i am.... i'm definitely running from the past. but we all are. it's all part of my mission to keep things moving at all times... to not get stagnant, to not let life pass me by in stillness.

i don't see it as me running from the past though. i see it more as me running into the future or even into the moment, into now. as the moments of my life pass me, i want to take them head on with no signs of slowing down or stopping.

i don't wanna lay in bed all day. i don't know of a bigger waste of time than unnecessary amounts of sleep. sleeping is the closest we come to not living while living. sure, everyone has to sleep and i'm not saying anyone should try and go without it. but trying to grab more of it than necessary is the biggest waste of your time alive.

and when i'm running, i'm never more alive. i'm never more focused on how it feels to be alive. when i'm running i'm no longer josh the workforce analyst, or josh the stand up comedian, or josh the ex-boyfriend... i'm just josh. i'm just me with no labels, no classifications and i couldn't even put it into words if i wanted to. it's too beautiful.

running is more than exercise for me. it's therapy. it's meditation. it's punk rock. it's me vs. me. when it begins, it's a challenge. when it ends, it's an accomplishment. it's victory. it's all parts of me in motion. it's the machine of me working in harmony within itself. it's me in perfect motion with the world around me.

it's the complete opposite of hiding from the unstill world around me. for 12 laps at the lake today, it's perfect.

i don't wanna work....

i just wanna bang on a drum all day.

i know that's not possible... unless i won the lottery or something, and even then, that'd be a kinda lame way to live life as a millionaire... sitting around my house banging on a drum all day when my millions beckon to be spent.

most days i rationalize work as survival. once upon a time we used to hunt our food and use the hides for clothing. and that sounds like a sorta sucky existence so over time things have evolved and we got what we have today. so as much as working for a living seems to suck, i tell myself that it's probably way more awesome than hunting down my dinner and being dead by 30.

i should almost be ashamed to even come close to complaining about what i got and what i do for a living. this is a fucked up world with a lot of people in way more fucked up predicaments than me. me... i'm comfortable. i'm not starving. i eat well. i sleep well. i have cable tv and a twitter account with 172 followers.

i just wish my job had a bit more 'rock star' flavor to it. i don't feel like i do anything enjoyable or awesome or important. fans aren't lining up to high five me for that awesome excel spreadsheet i worked on. i'm nobody's first pick in their fantasy administrative professional league draft.

there's no solution here. well there is, but it doesn't end well. i could sell all my worldly possessions, get a van, learn three guitar chords and hit the road. i'd be crawling back to my comfortable office job existence by july. kerouac i am not. kerouac was willing to starve. kerouac was willing to get his hands dirty. i want to order pizza by phone and pay someone else to change the oil.

i'm not sad or bummed. i'm just immensely humbled by a realization....

a letter to all nba teams from a new jersey basketball fan

hey nba teams,

how's it going? i'm writing you from new jersey. just wanted to make sure you know what a fan i am of your sport. i watch it a lot, especially this time of year, going into the playoffs. i don't care what anyone says, the nba playoffs are the best in all of pro sports.

i am a nets fan. i won't be for long. the nets will no longer be the new jersey nets once this season ends. they're moving to brooklyn, which will leave my home state of new jersey without a basketball team for the first time in a long time.

i'm not too heart broken. i get it. it's a business and this is a business decision. i feel a little taken for granted. like i put all this time into rooting for a team just to watch them leave me high and dry. but hey, it's the nets. they've been disappointing me for years. except for a few seasons here and there, the nets have pretty much consistently sucked at being a good nba team.

so here i am and  i have no idea how long i'll go without a basketball team to represent this fine state once again. but it's cool. i'm so used to not being able to root for my team in the playoffs, that it's not like there's that big of a void to fill anyways.

but if there is any team out there that's thinking of relocating, i wanna let you know that i'm here for you. i'll be your fan. any team that chooses to come to my home state and proudly wear the name 'new jersey' on their uniforms will get my fan hood.

until then i'm a free agent fan floating in the wind. i'll root for different teams at different times for different reasons. and maybe i'll be the most impartial basketball fan i know which will allow me to appreciate the game in a clearer view.

anyways nba teams, thanks for your time. i look forward to your inevitable response.

sincerely,

a fan without a team

time keeps on slipping at the dmv

i had to renew my driver's license this past weekend. once every four years the nj dmv demands that we show up, wait in lines, go through what's generally considered by most as an aggravating experience, and pay $24 at the end for the privilege to claim that you have a brand new, up to date, not expired so you can still get in the club, driver's license.

it feels like a scam. like if this system of identification wasn't already in existence, and i just thought of it now, you'd probably call bullshit on me and refuse to go along with the program. but yet, somehow here we are... sheepishly toeing the ol' dmv line.

i get it... i'm not calling for revolution here... this is what we're stuck with. dmv's are packed constantly with lines of people with $24 in their hand. the whole thing's clever as fuck and i almost wanna admire it if the concept didn't nauseate me.

but while sitting in the dmv, i can't help think about time passing. not just the time i'm wasting away in the dmv itself. i'm thinking about life in four year increments. i'm 32 now. i'm thinking about my life the last time i did the whole dmv song and dance. what have i done? what have i been up to? what have i accomplished? what have i failed at?

shit gets pretty heavy. i start thinking about how time flies. these four years from 28-32 didn't last as long as my four years in high school. i can't prove that to you. scientifically, i'm dead wrong on this... but in my mind, high school seemed like a good chunk of my life. 28-32, not so much.

since the last time i've been here people have graduated high schools and colleges and begun their lives. a lot of people got married and started families. a lot of people hit rock bottom and got scary. some people even died. that's what four years is all about, i can't promise you much about the next four years, but people will die. people will cry. people will laugh and smile as well. there'll be tragedies and accomplishments. people will do important shit. and some people won't do anything important at all.

the whole thing sorta blows my mind. that's why i'm glad the cycling of these thoughts in my mind immediately come to a halt when i hear my name called out. license is done. i can go home.

wonder what shit's gonna be like when i'm 36.

happy 4/20, the world needs stoners

today is april 20th, or 4/20, which is a big "holiday" for potheads everywhere cuz apparently the number 420 is important in the realm of marijuana. if you're a pothead who smokes a lot of pot on a daily basis, you will most likely celebrate today by smoking a lot of pot.

and good for you! it's not my thing (not anymore), but to each their own. i used to smoke pot at one point in time but i stopped enjoying it and quit shortly thereafter. but that's me, not you, and if you enjoy weed then you should definitely smoke it till your heart, lungs, and mind are content.

just because i used to smoke pot and choose to no longer smoke it doesn't mean i'm suddenly anti-pot. i'm still a pro-pot guy in many ways. go ahead and smoke. i think it should be legal. i think there should be bars and cafes that serve it. i don't think people who sell it or get caught possessing it should serve jail time.

and the world needs you stoners. and a lot of you just simply need to be stoners. pot's known to relax and calm people.... pot helps keep a lot of you mellow... and if you look around, it's not hard to tell that we live in a world that is constantly trying to harsh our mellow. it's hard enough keeping your mellow in tact soberly, a lot of people need some kinda assistance to help keep them from flipping out and doing crazy shit. if it wasn't for potheads finding pot, who knows what they would find to relieve their tensions, anxiety, and stress? it could be violence. it could be something devious or mean. no one ever hurt another human being by watching cartoons and ordering pizza.

to anti-potheads (also known as: "bummers," "buzzkills," or "fascists"):

get off their backs, man! totally not cool! if it wasn't for the pot, them potheads you're so quick to judge might just fuck you up.

to potheads:

do what you do. enjoy your holiday and keep your pot out of my brownies.

happy national high five day!!

fuck high fives!

fuck hand shakes!

fuck fist bumps!

fuck all that noise!

don't high five me. for what? it's unnecessary and it's gone without analysis for far too long now. 

if i know you, i can see you. i can acknowledge your existence with a simple 'hey' or a head nod. if i'm just meeting you for the first time, i can say, 'nice to meet you "so-and-so." i don't need to demand small physical interactions for these way too average moments in life.

 i don't like touching people, especially their hands. have you seen what people do with their hands? have you seen what YOU do with your hands? think about the bathroom and boogers and how filthy money is. nobody's clean. there isn't enough hand sanitizer in the world to make it through a day unscathed by the daily germ bombardment against your hands.

and with handshakes, you always have the douchebag that wants to turn it into a contest of strength. y'know the dude, the one who feels it's necessary to show you how strong he is by giving your hand a good death grip, or if you're high fiving, maybe a good death slap. high fives are one thing, i don't need you to wind up and give me your best shot. that's stupid. you're stupid.

the whole ritual is unnecessary. it will not add or detract from the overall quality of an interaction. if we converse, i won't like your personality more or less based on your choice between hand shake or fist bump. if you suck at life, a proper high five is not gonna save you.

if the rest of you wanna run around high fiving the fuck out of each other, have at it. i'll say no more. but leave me out of it. and when i leave you hanging, don't get all bent about it. it's a personal choice that i've made that just happens to also make me a better person (<---scientific fact). 

fuck holograms

recently at coachella, during a dr. dre and snoop dogg performance, a hologram replication of tupac shakur came out onto the stage and played the part of tupac. and since then, it has pretty much blown up the internet. so i figured i might as well do my part in my little corner of the internet here at 'joshaintfunny' and add my two cents on the topic.

using holograms to replicate other people at live concerts is stupid. concerts, festivals, or any other event where artists perform live is exactly that, a chance to come out and see them perform in the flesh. flesh, they need flesh to accomplish this. without flesh, without blood flowing through veins, without a brain hard at work to make the body move through the performance, it is no longer a live event.

going to wax museums and getting your picture taken with wax figures of celebrities is not the same thing as getting a picture taken with a celebrity. in much the same manner, i consider the concept of a hologram performing at a concert the concert equivalent of wax museums.

we might as well go just as nuts for the animatronic band of bears playing down at the local chuck e. cheese near you. put a tupac tape in the tape player and let her rip!

the hologram is a lower form of homage than karaoke. at least with karaoke, a real life person is putting in some sorta work to make it at least a semi-partial live music experience. even when poorly done, karaoke shows more heart than a hologram.

and this is just the beginning... the first sighting of a hologram at a concert. sure, it's of tupac, and tupac's gone so it's a way for fans of tupac to experience a tupac experience beyond listening to albums at home. but don't have the audacity to package and label it as a concert or the main attraction at a major music festival.

soon we can replace all the dead rappers, singers, and musicians. soon their lives will have less value. no act will be seen as irreplaceable. not even death can keep us from enjoying you.

and that's fucked up. death sucks and it can be a total fucking bummer to think about. but it's final. there's no coming back. and we should respect that. if you didn't get a chance to see tupac, or biggie, or kurt, or bradley nowell before they went, i'm sorry for you. and i never got to see any of them either. but i can't in good conscience ever convince myself that going to see a hologram version of any of these artists is the next best thing. it's not even close.

the next best thing is in your head. you honor the dead in your memory. we all do. that's where we keep them, in our heads and hearts. their legacies live on through us.... and that's it... there's no other way.

there's supposed to be a certain purity to the live music experience. that's what i fucking love about it. it's you and the artist connecting together, in person, in celebration. there's a psychic bond. it's one of the most amazing experiences i know in life and a fucking hologram is not gonna cut it.

and beyond the honor of the dead... think about the living. soon enough they'll replace themselves with holograms. why tour? why go on the road? they're all free to stay at home now and collect paychecks while we spend ours on their holographic images.

this could get out of hand. this could be the beginning of the end of something special, something important. if companies can figure out a way to make more money with this than with actual touring human beings, we're all fucked...

unless we promise not to go to these shows. coachella goers, you weren't warned and it's not your fault. but no one should empty their pockets to go see holograms perform under the guise of "live, tonight: (your favorite band's name here)."

we're alive. we demand something alive in return.

quakers

i just got back from gettysburg, pa. and while i won't bore you about all the details of my trip, this post right here is inspired by a tour me and the girlfriend took of the underground railroad system.

the underground railroad, in brief, was a way that slaves from the south would travel north for freedom (or as much freedom as they could get up north. the real freedom, we learned, was in canada. there was definitely a free life for them up north, but it came with a lot of bullshit that lead to a lot of fucked up shenanigans that would rob people of their new found freedom almost as soon as they thought they received it).

slaves from the south would escape and travel north staying at safe houses along the way. there were many people, at great risk to federal laws that could penalize them severely, that would open their doors and allow slaves shelter as they traveled along the way.

many of these safe houses were the homes of quakers. turns out quakers, at their core, have some pretty rad beliefs. they believed that god created all men equal. and when they said all men, they meant all men and didn't see african americans as inferior to themselves.

in fact much of the abolitionist movement in the north was fueled by quakers. they believed it wasn't right for anyone to "own" anyone else or look down upon anyone else or consider anyone else less than human.

and the quakers weren't negotiable on their beliefs. they didn't wanna hear and wouldn't accept any counter arguments. what they knew to be right was more important that any concept of the southern economy or way of life. and they wouldn't be swayed to just simply look the other way either. that's not how quakers roll.

so they did what they could and they helped many slaves find freedom up north, while preaching that slavery was wrong. quakers had fucking integrity. they didn't just talk the talk, they walked the walk.

and they walked it when it wasn't the easy decision to make. despite the northern states pretty much in agreement that slavery was wrong and should be abolished, it was still against federal law to assist slaves in any sorta way. if caught, laws were strict... lives and financial well being could be ruined.

for that, quakers were awesome (i should say, 'are awesome.' i didn't know they were still around but our tour guide apparently is a modern day quaker and she informed us that they've eased up on a lot of their strictness over the years).

so yea, quakers are awesome.

which reinforced an ideal i try to believe but sometimes find myself falling short of.... that belief being that just cuz someone's a christian and believes in a religion i can't believe in doesn't make them a bad person. in fact, christians can be great people. most of them probably should be great people... their role model is jesus christ after all. whether you believe he's real or not, holy or not, the stories of jesus are the stories of a man of compassion, love, and faith.

even the most nonreligious of atheists should be able to take away some sorta positive lesson from the stories of jesus. just because someone's a christian and i'm not doesn't mean we can't coexist. i think a lot of non-christians and nonreligious people would benefit from dealing with christians with a more open mind and a more open approach.

the quakers planted seeds that lead to movements and shifts in our culture that lead to the passing of laws that lead to the freedom of all slaves. slavery is a bad thing. i won't negotiate that statement or put it up for debate with anyone. the quakers were right on this one. and they were some of the first people who had the courage to get up on a soapbox and say it.

when it comes to matters like this, i don't see people as christian or non-christian. i see good guys and i see bad guys. in this story, the quakers played the role of the good guys. their beliefs transcended religious classification. their actions were a lesson and an example for all on a universal level.

just some random thoughts i have about punk rock and art....

i'm talking about punk rock as a frame of mind and/or attitude... not necessarily the music known to be labeled as 'punk rock.' besides, labeling is about the unpunkest fucking thing you can do to anything ever... duh.

kurt cobain was quoted as saying:

"punk rock is freedom."

i'm sure he didn't coin that phrase and probably heard it somewhere else... and that's cool.. that's how nifty little phrases like this should get around... you don't necessarily learn it in a book. punk rock's on the streets, in the outside world... so you gotta make your way out there to learn about it.

but i'm straying off center here....

i tend to agree with the notion that punk rock is freedom. you can do whatever you want as long as it makes you feel good. punk rock or punk mentality is one of those things that differs from person to person. i consider myself a pretty punk rock dude... but if you saw me, or even worse, if you're "more punk" than i am, you'd probably disagree on first sight.

and that's cool... i don't wanna mix with that kinda company. so judge away, call me unpunk, and keep on keeping on with that.

but my idea of punk rock or punk mentality is all about doing what makes you feel good... being impulsive and bursting into whatever it is you wanna get into. i think this sorta explains most of my blog posts. they're mostly short, sloppy, and to the point. and that's what punk rock should be to me.

why does it have to be sloppy? cuz you shouldn't have to clean it up and make it look neat. that's when it becomes work. that's when it stops being fun. if you just happen to make something and it comes out neat naturally, than more power to you. but if you wanna hear the true beauty of any ramones song, i suggest you find the live version.

i think most forms of art are bogged down by scenes and scenesters. art creates culture which by itself is a beautiful thing. but it also creates assholes who wanna tell everyone else how to create whatever specific art we're talking about here.

and as any culture grows, so grows the population that judges it and says what's awesome and what sucks.

and the beautiful thing about a punk rock mentality is that you can say, 'fuck off!' to all of it.

that's right! with the proper punk rock mentality you can own whatever it is you create. create it however you see fit to create it. do it because it's fun or because it's your passion or because it keeps you awake till you finish... whatever makes you do what you do, the end result is all about you. you created something new and fresh because you wanted to or you needed to. and not a single person alive or dead can tell you what you've done wrong because you didn't do anything wrong in the first place.

there's a whole lot of bullshit in the world. we don't need to let it seep into our art. show your art off to whoever you want and the moment anyone has something negative to say, give them the finger and walk away, cuz fuck them. fuck anyone who tells you what you're doing is wrong or stupid or not beautiful. those are the worst people in the world and they deserve to be put in their place with your punk rock attitude.

cuz punk rock is freedom. and you're free to create whatever you want, however you want, whenever you want, for whatever reason or no reason at all. this may be the most absolutely beautiful concept in the whole damn world. fuck anyone who would ever wanna try and ruin that for you.

me at the gym with other people

there's a gym at my job. i have access to it and the membership is free. i use the gym a lot. i usually use it 5 times a week, during my lunch break, which is an hour long.

in this hour's time i'll run on a treadmill for 40 minutes, take a quick shower, and head back up to my office and try to eat something light real quick (or heavy if someone has peer pressured me into ordering something heavy that day... and by peer pressuring i mean a co-worker saying, "hey josh, we're getting popeye's you want something?" to which i reply, "fuck yea i do!")

that's outside the point. this is about me in the gym and how i interact with other people.... which is rare and not often.

a lot of people don't use the gym when i go. i usually take a late lunch (2pm-3pm... but i also start at 10am... so it makes sense to me and doesn't seem late at all, but late in comparison to everyone else in the building). so most times i'm alone... completely alone... or i hope i'm completely alone.. cuz most days i'm usually singing in my tone def manner at a fairly loud volume.

but sometimes other people do come in. there's only 2 treadmills in the joint, so if i'm on one, usually whoever comes in takes the other... and usually they're a walker. usually they work in my office as well... and it's sorta awkward... it shouldn't be but in my head it is cuz they'll walk in during the middle of my run and i'm covered in sweat and breathing heavy and they pull up along side of me and go for a stroll. meanwhile i have my mp3s blasting and i'm focused on running... to the point where i try not to acknowledge anybody. me, mid run, breathing heavy, in tune with fast, heavy music is usually not a good time for me to make an attempt at conversation.

so there's that....

then just the other day another runner came in... from another office. i had no idea who she was. much like the walkers though, i kept my focus on the run and the music... didn't acknowledge her in any way. and that might be awkward too... sure we don't know each other.. but we're the only 2 people in the same place... i just hope that all other runners are like me and get the whole focus thing... where i don't wanna lose my focus and i'm all in on what i'm doing at the moment.

and though i didn't talk to her or acknowledge her existence, i sorta felt good that another runner was present. i didn't feel like the weird dude who always runs alone for lunch.

sometimes i get some weird responses when i tell people i run for lunch. the most typical response i get is, "i wouldn't wanna be all sweaty and then have to go back to work." whenever i get that response, i always assure them that i take a shower and i'm fresh all over again for the second half of my work day. but i've also been told it's "weird," "odd," or kinda condescendingly "good for me."

i don't understand what's so weird about me running for lunch though. the whole time i'm running, i have a view outside where the smokers go to smoke. why isn't that weird? i don't wanna get preachy here, but if we're trading my weird habit for the "accepted" habits of others around me, i hardly think my running should be seen as something crazier than smoking cigarettes. they're polar opposites in the whole, "is this good for you dept." no one gives them shit for it.

and if it's not smoking, i see coworkers wasting away in the break room eating junk while halfheartedly talking to coworkers. meanwhile the 2 tv's in the break room are blaring cnn and the food network in your ears. all we do is sit around all day for a profession.... sitting around is the last fucking thing i wanna do with my free time. running's weird? fuck that. sitting around as a break from the monotony of sitting around is fucking weird... no that's not fucking weird, that's fucking craaaaaazy.

but if you want weird, here's the prize winner:

the poopers.

yea poopers. i'm on to you. i'm blowing up your spot. there's a handful of employees that go to the gym during their lunches and breaks and use the gym bathroom to poop, shit, crap, take a dump... whatever you wanna call it. there's THREE other bathrooms with a supply of toilets along the way before you get to the gym... but they want the gym.. cuz for the most part it's private. so basically pooping in the gym is a way to not poop around other people....

except that sometimes you do poop around other people... like me! when i'm going in to change to run or going in to shower after a run. fucking poopers! go poop with the rest of the other poopers! stop being little bitches and go where you belong. the gym is no place for exclusive dump leaving. maybe after a good workout you earn the right to poop in the gym toilet... but otherwise, get lost!

and maybe i'm overreacting cuz i just don't like being in the gym locker room in the presence of poopers. but what the poopers are doing is morally wrong. the thing is there's only a limited number of free gym memberships at my job. otherwise you gotta put yourself on a list every month and hope your name gets drawn for the ten spots they give away. and if you get one of those ten spots, you lose it at the end of the month and have to enter the raffle again the following month. there were only so many free "permanent" gym memberships (i have one and so do some of the poopers)... if you don't have one of those, you have to put your name in the raffle every single month.

meanwhile there's poopers who are wasting perfectly good permanent memberships so they can use the gym as their personal shitter. that's totally not cool on SO many levels.

so tell me, who's the weirdo now??

blog break but not broken

so okay, i haven't blogged in a bunch of days.... about seven i think. and that's probably the longest break i've taken from posting new stuff in quite some time. and i suppose i could unload a bunch of excuses as to why..... as if i need excuses not to blog or as if i have some sorta rabid readership that would even demand that in the first place.

no, i have no excuses. i haven't felt like writing anything. and now, to end the week long stagnation, i'm gonna take the easy way out and write about not writing. so technically, this is all just some sorta watered down attempt at a blog post so i can say to you, them, or my reflection in the mirror, "see, i wrote something...."

i don't know why i put that kinda pressure on myself to write. there's something about this whole blog thing that i enjoy immensely... but i can't put my finger on it exactly.. all i know is i start typing and i think to myself, 'this is pretty cool.' and then 2 people read it, 1 might be brave enough to leave a comment, and then it remains of the internet, doomed to be ignored for all of eternity.

i'm not complaining. i mean sure, if you're reading this now, i guess you could do your part and tell a friend, or tell all your facebook friends, or put it on twitter, or rent a billboard outside the lincoln tunnel.

but there's a part of this... actually a huge part of this, probably the majority at the least, that is extremely selfish. most of the time i'm just blabbering on about something unimportant or insignificant...

what gives me the right to take up precious space on the internet to leave my own unimportant imprint?

i don't know dude. all i know is i'm on the internet a lot and i constantly run into things that make me say, 'this is way worse than my blog.' and that thought makes me happy, and so i keep on blogging.

so there you have it. there's the real reason for this watered down attempt at sharing my soul with my awesomely anonymous internet audience.... i'm pretty sure even though my blog's not "popular," "cool," or, "trendy," it's still cooler than a lot of other shit on the internet. and as long as there's shit on the internet that i find to be dumber, shittier, or less cool than what i'm contributing... i'm gonna give it my best to keep on doing it.

so get off my back will ya? jeez you're demanding*.

* actually, you're not demanding enough.... in fact you don't demand at all. maybe try pestering me every so often... especially in front of other people... make a spectacle even... that'd be demanding, and then you would earn the accusation i just made.