the lesson of 2011- donald trump is a douchebag

yea, i know....a lot of people were on to this long before 2011. but if we can all agree that the year 2011 taught us one thing, it's that donald trump is beyond all doubts a douchebag. he went far and wide and spoke loud and clear to get the message across to as many people as possible this year.

let's start with the basics.

he puts his name on EVERYTHING. it stretches way beyond buildings. if you want a bottle of water in one of his hotels, you have to drink it from a bottle that has a label with his name AND his stupid face on it.

his stupid fake hair. there might not be a possibly more famous fake hairdo than donald trump's. it's not the 800 lb gorilla in the room that no one will talk about. everyone's talking about it. and trump of all people has the money to do some real shit up there. many people lost their shirts in your casino this year. the least you can do is make your hair look somewhat more real with that money.

the hair thing leads me to believe either one of the following conclusions:

-everyone's talking about it. trump has to hear it. but trump disagrees. he obviously thinks it looks great. why else would he keep leaving his castle looking like that? (sure, it doesn't help that younger sex goddesses wanna get nasty with him... but c'mon... it's not him they're getting nasty with... it's the money.) i digress.... so the whole world could scream in unison, "YOUR HAIR SUCKS!!!" and trump, so convinced that he's right, would assume that anyone in disagreement with him, even if it is the entire fucking planet, is utterly and foolishly wrong.

-or maybe it's that trump just doesn't listen to other people speak. trump is never listening to anyone else. the only thing playing in his head is a constant inner monologue which i'm sure is mostly him telling himself how great he is. when anyone is talking to him, he's only waiting for his turn to speak... and usually willing to cut people off mid sentence to say what he has to say. he probably has little to no value of other people's opinion of him.

either way, he's a douche.

but beyond this, he stepped it up this year.

he told us all that there was a great chance he'd run for president this year. he made speeches and showed up on news and talk shows to discuss his platform.

he cried about obama's birth certificate. he cried so much about it that it fucking worked...the obama administration felt the pressure and caved and they released his birth certificate. this makes trump the king of the birther movement. and the birther movement is a movement full of douchebags essentially making trump some kinda 'king of the douchebags.'

he did all this presidential posing as his newest season of 'celebrity apprentice' was approaching. a few weeks before the show was to air, trump said, 'no thanks,' and bowed out from running for a position he had no interest in having in the first place. he made all this noise about maybe the most important job in the world, all in hopes that it would increase his viewership sunday nights on nbc.

since then he's lured republican hopefuls to his lair in new york for pre-packaged publicity stunts. like when trump took palin out for pizza so they could eat it with a knife and fork.

y'know who eats nyc pizza slices with a knife and fork? douchebags, that's who.

and a handful of republicans cave to this man. they show up and kiss his ring and dance his dance all in the hopes that trump will stand in their corner.

not satisfied with his public record on douchebaggery, trump decided he'd try to end the year with a bang and organized a republican debate that would be moderated by none other than donald trump. as if that wasn't enough, he said he'd think about endorsing "the winner," and if he didn't think there was a clear winner, he'd possibly consider running for president once more.

that was too much douchebaggery for most of the republican nominees (many of them being major douchebags themselves). most of them publicly declined trump's invitation for the debate. the whole idea lost all its steam. trump was forced to cancel.

since then i haven't seen or heard much of trump in the news. but i'm sure he's out there somewhere thinking up new schemes and ways to outdo and top himself and make sure that if anyone thought 2011 made trump look like a douchebag, we ain't seen nothing yet.

my mom knows the words to 'lithium'

that's right, the nirvana song, 'lithium.'

she hasn't always known the words. this is a new development. i found out on christmas eve. i borrowed my mom's car and noticed that she had a nirvana greatest hits collection cd. so i popped it in the player and left it in there when i was done. later that night my mom was driving me and my girlfriend home with my stepfather in shotgun.

she lets a couple of songs from the nirvana cd play and doesn't say anything relating to the music. at some point my stepfather made a comment about the music playing (my step dad didn't dig the sound). he said something like (if i may paraphrase here), "what is this? blow it out your asshole."

my mom, who has a tendency to be a ball buster, says, 'oh yea?' and turns it up. that's when my attention from the back seat perked up... my stepfather not liking nirvana... totally predictable. my mom defending it and turning it up though, fuckin a! go mom!

my step dad kept complaining. and my mom then says, "what you don't like that? watch i'm gonna sing it now too. i'll put my favorite song on." she then skips tracks till 'lithium' is blaring through the car and my mom starts singing and then my girlfriend starts singing and i just sat there in a state of wonderment, thinking this might be the most christmas'y moment of my holiday season.

my stepfather wasn't pleased but my mom played and sang the whole song! it was a truly awesome moment.

here's the thing.... i fucking love nirvana. one of my top favorites of all time, and when i was a teenager, nirvana was the end all, be all. and when i was a runt of a teen, pissed off at everything for no good reason at all, i went all grunge. and that was it. i'd blast nirvana in my bedroom and there was something about it that just made me feel awesome. and part of that awesomeness was the whole, 'the world don't understand this' attitude.

and i'd never think my mom would get it.

but my mom's cool. she didn't listen to it back then which is probably for the best cuz that's a big part of how i defined myself as a young person. but now that i'm older and over stuff like that (not allowing myself to like what my parents like and vice versa), it's sorta amazing and awesome to me that my mom is the proud owner of a nirvana cd and sings along to it.

rock on mom.

happy birthday stan lee (this is for all the people who's birthdays are outshined by christmas)

today is stan lee's birthday. dude's a legend. pretty much everyone knows who he is, what he's done, and is a fan of at least one of his many superheroes or super villains.

stan lee, like many people, has a birthday extremely close to christmas. i myself suffer from a birthday who's spotlight is somewhat dimmed by the awesomeness that is christmas. it's tough to have a birthday within days of christmas, especially as a child. there's not much a parent can do to make you feel like you got a fair shake in life. your birthday and all aspects of it will be overshadowed by christmas.

your gifts will be of a lesser value. people have less money to spend on you. your parties will be lamer. people have other places to be since the holidays are filled with so many obligations. the energy will be drained to some extent. it's impossible to avoid this since christmas sucks the life force out of all things that dare gather near it.

so it seems like a total bummer but it doesn't have to be. and stan lee is a great example of this. sure his birthdays were lamer... so he probably got lamer toys and had lamer times. but this gave his imagination more room to grow. it wasn't stunted by all of the usual spoiling that comes with a birthday. stan lee may have had less fun because of this outside his mind, but no one could control what was going on inside his mind.

and look what the inside of his mind has delivered to the world. merry fucking christmas and happy fucking birthday to all forever cuz stan lee is the reason for marvel comics. i feel it'd be a total waste to try and even quantify the epicness of that kinda contribution to mankind.

so if you suffer from a birthday that is drowned out by christmas, try and see this as an opportunity to put your focus elsewhere. if the whole world won't stop to notice your anniversary on earth, start planting seeds that grow into trees that eventually create a forest that is impossible for the world to ignore...

...stan lee did.

cheating on sobriety

i did it again last night. i cheated on sobriety.

some time around late july, i decided to go sober... and it lasted for a while, 3 months and 3 days to be exact. then i went on vacation with some friends to austin, tx where we threw more beers back than i could ever hope to keep count of. that was my first full on affair outside of my relationship with sobriety.

and y'know what? it was fucking fun! probably as much fun as cheating on your significant other for 6 days without any repercussions while your closest friends gather around you and chant, 'DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!'

when i came back from texas, i felt like i had sowed my wild oats and would come back ready to embrace a deep and meaningful relationship with sobriety once more. there was even a part of me that rationalized that i had never broken my sober streak on jersey soil... that was all in a land far away and had nothing to do with me any longer.

so i went for a few weeks... and then thanksgiving eve happened...

thanksgiving eve is a high holiday for drinkers. it's practically as or maybe even more important than thanksgiving itself. it's that one night where EVERY single drunk you know has no reason to wake up early tomorrow (after all, it's not the drunks that wake up early and prepare the turkey dinner). drunks from all around flood the bars where shots are flowing, music is blaring, conversations are never ending.... it may be pound for pound the finest night of the year to be a drunk.

i meant well before this date approached... i wasn't gonna partake in thanksgiving eve shenanigans... but life happened... something pissed me off and i couldn't help myself.. there i was on thanksgiving eve and sobriety had let me down... of all fucking nights.... fuck you sobriety! i decided i was gonna go cheat on her ass on the best night to do it.

and since then the drinking's been a little more frequent. i came into december feeling festive cuz it's my birthday month and for some reason getting older puts me in a really good mood. so i found myself every so often dipping into bars with friends and having a few.

the biggest orgy i had behind sobriety's back was my 32nd birthday party. that was a gang bang of yeungling and shots of whiskey. no regrets.. i had an awesome time... but goddamn, of all the night i ever cheated on sobriety, that was the most epic cheating i accomplished.

so last night i cheated on sobriety once more. me and a friend co-hosted our weekly open mic but this was different from any other week... this was christmas! there were way more people than usual and everyone was in a great mood. that shit was infectious! if they're all having so much fun cheating on sobriety, why not me as well? and there i was cheating again and having a hell of a time doing it.

but just like cheating, there's a big downside. cheating on sobriety is really fun while you're doing it. in the moment, while it's happening, there is nothing else i'd rather be doing that boozing it up. it's a ton of fun to forget about sobriety and have at it. but the next day always comes with some form of regret.

sobriety feels good.... it does.. this is no bullshit... but it only starts feeling really good when you rack up a bunch of sober days in a row. you start to feel the cobwebs in your mind go away. you feel healthier, more energetic, more vibrant. this is real shit that i've experienced. but it only comes with time and it gets better as more time passes.

and the moment you fuck that streak up and drink, you throw the whole damn thing out the window. today, like many days after cheating on sobriety, i woke up with a headache. i felt nauseous. i slept tons and yet all i wanted to do was sleep some more. every time i cheat on sobriety, i find myself throwing a good part of the next day away like it means nothing. fuck sunlight. i won't know what outside feels like till sometime beyond sunset.

and did i really spend that much money? fuck! cheating on sobriety is expensive! i really could've used some extra money... cuz when i'm with sobriety, i find i suddenly have more money and it's kinda nice to have some extra money cuz sometimes i can use it to buy stuff for me that's important... like clothes and rent.

don't get me wrong, i'm not gonna be out on the street next month... but i might have to make due with that pair of jeans with the hole in it out a little bit longer before i have some extra cash to replace it.

to each their own. i don't wanna tell anyone else how to run their life. sobriety's not for everybody. but after getting to know her, i really like who she is and i'd really like to try and get to know her even better and maybe even try and take this relationship to the next level.

i just gotta gotta stop letting that sexy bitch booze distract me. why does she gotta be so much fun?

santa is proof that kids are dumb

SPOILER ALERT!!! DO NOT LET YOUR KIDS READ THIS!

kids of the world should be uniting as one to look for proof as to whether or not santa exists. instead the long standing fable of santa stands as proof that most kids are dumb.

i hear kids ask tons of questions, the most popular one being, "why?" so how are they not able to break down the improbable logistics of a man flying all around the world on a magical sleigh in one night?

no self respecting person of intelligence would buy this ridiculous story. you can sell stupid people some silly bullshit, but even this is a bit much for the common dumbass to buy. i'm willing to say if you found the dumbest adult in all the land, you'd have a hard time convincing him/her that santa is real.

so by that logic, any kid who believes in santa is dumber than the dumbest adult that refuses to believe in santa. i know, i know, it's fun to lie to your children and it fills them with so much joy. so let's keep fueling this charade for the sake of your kids' joy.

but while your kids are enjoying those precious moments of gift opening and gift appreciation, please consider the following:

i'm not even sure where all this santa business started... i'm sure i can google it and find out... but i'm not interested in that. what i am interested in is why do parents insist on breaking their own backs to earn money to spoil the fuck out of their children and then not at least take the credit they deserve for it? why all this exerted effort just to give the credit to someone that doesn't exist? your children can't even appreciate how much you care cuz you decided to defer that sorta adulation to an invisible hero.

i don't wanna come across as some bah humbug christmas killer. i don't think taking santa out of christmas would destroy christmas. if anything, it might make it even better for both child and parent.

so in a way, not only does the idea of santa make kids look dumb, but parents as well.

ho, ho, ho! merry christmas from @joshaintfunny mofo's!!

the nice guy paradox

i wanna be a nice guy. sometimes that's all i strive to be, is just a nice dude. seems simple enough and in some simplistic way, i'll think that maybe just being a nice dude is all i need to do... that the benefits of being a nice dude will carry me through life and all will be well.

but it's impossible to be a nice dude all the time, and for many reasons.

nice guys get fucked over a lot. and this ain't no emo rant about girls breaking my heart. it's so much more than that. this world has got the capacity to be cruel... or maybe not even cruel, just emotionally vacant. whatever makes hurricanes and earthquakes happen has something to do with nature. it's like nature can be the cruelest force known to us but it's not purposely being cruel, that's just nature being its neutral self. it doesn't have a score to settle. it doesn't get angered, and in a fit decides to do awful things to people. it just is. and that's it.

and this force runs everything else in the world. it doesn't think. it just does. and that's a lot to handle if you're a nice guy. bad things are going to happen. you can be as nice as you want. you can be the nicest dude in the world and live next door to the world's biggest asshole, and if a tornado comes your way, that tornado will in no way judge you both as people and act accordingly. that tornado just might trash your house as your asshole neighbor points and laughs. there's nothing, no epic amount of niceness, that can stop this from happening.

and that's discouraging. sure it's cool to be nice just for the sake of being nice... but i think a lot of being nice is cuz people like it when other people are nice to them... y'know the whole golden rule thing.

but there's too many things beyond our control and no matter what kind of person you are, you're gonna find yourself on the receiving end of a lot of shit that you in no way deserve.

and then there's assholes... assholes purposely fuck over nice guys. bullies steal milk money and in most cases it's a nice dude who's giving up that milk money. being nice sorta makes you a mark. many of your bosses, coworkers, friends, acquaintances, enemies, and everyone else in between will usually find some way to fuck you over, and it's usually to their own benefit.

this is where a lot of nice guys go asshole. me personally, i feel like i gotta put a little asshole out there in the world. it's nothing personal. it's the only way i can put a defense up that says, "HEY, DON'T FUCK WITH ME!"

and here's where the paradox starts setting in deep. i don't like when people are assholes towards me... but then again i sorta understand cuz maybe under that asshole-ness is a nice guy who's trying to fight off a world that loves to fuck him over.

but i hate when people aren't nice. anyone who isn't nice leaves me wondering, "what the fuck is their problem?" and then all of the sudden i'm reflecting negatively on them and suddenly, just like that, i've lost all my niceness for the moment.

i'd love to say why can't we all just be nice and get along and whatnot... but i don't think shit will ever work like that. if 6 billion people all agreed to be nice to each other all the time, eventually some asshole would come along and take advantage of that... and they'd keep taking advantage of that until all the nice people stopped being so fucking nice.

i don't know.... i hate to say you shouldn't be a nice guy... cuz when it comes to enjoying life, nobody likes an asshole... so you should try to not be an asshole.. but eventually you will be cuz if you're not, someone's gonna try to steal your milk money.

observations about life on the eve of my 32nd birthday

today's been a bit of an off day.

i had to go to court for the whole brooklyn bridge incident (i was part of a mass arrest on the brooklyn bridge a few months back with the 'occupy wall st.' movement). i had to take a day off of work to go. i get there only to find out that the cop who filled out my summons wrote the wrong time. he wrote 2pm and it was supposed to be at 9am. the judge in charge of the case left for the day and i was told i'd have to go back first thing tomorrow, in the AM.

so that means i'll have to miss more work (i'll have to go in late, i can't really take another full day off of work) and i have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn (5:30am) to make this shit happen.

the whole thing sucks. and i was pissed about it. but a few hours have passed and i'm over it now. there's a fucked up lesson in here somewhere.

the thing is, shit ain't perfect. the world's an imperfect place that will never stop throwing obstacles in my direction, no matter how well i plan things out. it's little shit like this that keeps me on my toes. does it suck? yes. but it's just another opportunity to prove that i know how to suck it up and deal with it.

that's what life is. deal with it. constantly. moments of pure rest are few and far between. no use crying about it either. that'll just make shit worse. jump the hurdle, finish the race, and get back to training for the next one.

cuz if you're not being challenged by life, what are you doing? are you really living if you're constantly on easy street? if you're not overcoming problems how can you put any real value on anything of substance in life? shitty situations help teach us how to appreciate the good stuff in life.

so cancel the pity parade cuz it's the lamest parade in town.

and now that you've done that and stopped being a total mope about everything, now you can fucking enjoy stuff! you see how that works?

yea stuff sucks, the world sucks, and it's all rigged against you. but knowing that, how much more awesome does that make it when you are actually having a good time? whether it's time with friends and/or family or pursuing whatever hobby it is you like to pursue, how great is it to be able to know that you've successfully dealt with enough bullshit for the time being that you can now kick back and enjoy life?

that's how i see it anyways... i don't think you can enjoy life much until you deal with all the bullshit in front of you first. deal with that, get it over and done with, and now you can party or do whatever it is you do to have a good time.

and when you do party, party hard motherfucker! i think everyone sets their own parameters for what a good time is. so go out and chase that good time while you can. don't let anyone else tell you what is or isn't fun. just go get after it.

that's life.... bullshit + cool shit. that's about it. deal with one, enjoy the other.

and if that's not good enough for you, just be glad you're not dead. you got all of eternity to go be dead. do the right thing and live up the space of time you've for some crazy, unknown reason been given to occupy. occupy it right.

also:

don't be a baby.
don't be an asshole.
don't be a douchebag.

cuz all 3 options above are pitiful ways to spend your time and you're only causing yourself a disservice by following any of these paths.

internet pirates are ruining everything

i get how internet pirating can be seen as wrong. someone somewhere is putting a lot of work into a product and in return they would like some money. most wanna make a career out of it and live off their craft.

but pirating was gonna happen. with the advancement of technology, eventually those who find themselves in financially tougher places were gonna find a way to get it all for free. that doesn't make it right, but the world in principle ain't right and artists of all ilk should have seen this coming many miles away.

you can blame it on napster. but if there were no napster, someone else would've came along and figured it out. it was all just a matter of time.

a lot of the blame should go to the companies that distribute the goods. the corporations in control of your art got greedy (as many corporations are known to do).

nobody wants to pay $20 for a cd. nobody. i know so many people gotta get paid per album... but you should've figured out something. your business plan was flawed. many times we found ourselves burdened with an album full of garbage tracks except for maybe 1 or 2 gems that you jammed down our throats via radio and mtv. i give a lot of props to all those artists who put out quality records, but you were the minority. the majority of crap that surrounded you was too much to behold. we would only put up with it for so long.

so doesn't it make sense that when mp3's first burst onto the scene, one of the neater things about it was that you could go grab that one song you heard on the radio 430 times and forget about the burden of the rest of an album that you'd only suffer through once or twice?

plus, cd's were crap. they always ended up scratched up and unplayable. the sound quality was better than cassette, but you needed much more than a pen to save a cd once it was too far gone.

then there's movies. everyone knows going to the movies is a fucking rip off. most of us do it cuz it's nice to get out and do something and see something cool... but don't think we don't burn just a little every time we purchase a ticket for $10-$15. and then there's the refreshments.... $4, $5 for fucking soda!!!! $4 for some m and m's. what the fuck were you thinking? how can we not be just a little tempted to look through the stack of $5 bootlegs the dude at the laundromat is waving in our faces?

and now tv's have caught up and in some ways surpassed the movie going experience. you fucked up hollywood. i got a $5 bootleg and a whole damn box of microwave popcorn that costed me $3. that's cheaper than what it cost me to simply walk through your front door....

......and then when we get to the theater you have the audacity to show us commercials!!! you're taking money from other companies to waste our precious time all in the name of the bottom line.....

.....assholes!

cable prices are way out of control. we all love the 3 for (insert good price here) bundles... but after a year the prices go up and sooner or later we find ourselves $100 short on rent and figure, 'fuck it, the cable's gotta go.'

the point is that the companies that are in charge of putting your art in front of us got greedy. you can only get so greedy until it becomes your downfall. people pirating your stuff.... it's not personal.... it is an 'us against them' thing... but you're not the them. you're just a victim of the fallout.

hopefully this will lead to more indie releasing in the future. i'd like to see people's creations be delivered to the people at a much more affordable price. i'd love to buy a record if it cost me $5. i'd love to go to the movies more often if $10 got me a movie and a snack. i'd buy more books if i didn't feel like an asshole cuz i know i'm paying $25 for something i'm only gonna go through once.

and artists, you gotta hit the road more. take your stuff on tour. bring it to the people. we'll pay ticket prices to see you in person (although i can rant on about ticketmaster convenience charge fees, but i've probably covered that in at least 3 blog posts before). i'll go to your concert and buy your shirt cuz it's cooler to get the shirt at the show. give me an experience and i'll be more easily convinced to part ways with my money.

and i wanna feel bad... but when i gotta wake up everyday to do something that i don't feel passionate about, it's hard to have any empathy at all. i'd trade it all in for a chance to go on the road and let people hear what i gotta say... even if all my recorded product went bootleg... in fact that would just give me more incentive to hit the road longer and harder. i know shit ain't easy and i have no idea what i'm talking about... but i also know most artists who feel like they're getting ripped off by pirates wouldn't trade their life in for mine.

and don't give me this, 'we're all gonna regret when people don't have any culture anymore,' bs. money's not the only reason people create culture. i write this shit down for free. i write it for free now, i'll write it for free tomorrow, and when your whole system comes crashing down and you decide, 'fuck it, i don't wanna create no more cuz i'm not getting paid,' i'll still be writing this blog for free.

at the worst, you'd have to get a job like the rest of us and create on the side. i can't feel bad for you cuz that's how i live my life.

go to your room

that's what i used to do in my younger days when i needed sanctuary. usually i'd hang around by myself listening to music. this was my getaway. this was my fortress of solitude. if the world couldn't find me, that'd be alright... i had sublime and red hot chili peppers to keep me company.

i miss that part of being young... the simplicity of laying around my room and listening to music and nothing else... not multitasking it with everything else.... not only listening to music on the go through headphones as i go about the business of an average day in my life.

i just wanna lay around and listen to records. is that so wrong?

i wanna ignore the world around me for a while.... ignore the cell phone, and the facebook, and the ever growing to-do list that will keep on growing larger if i don't start getting to it. sorry cats, sorry friends, sorry family, sorry girlfriend.... you'll all have to fend for yourselves for a few hours. i'm sure you'll do fine without me. and besides, you'll have a new and improved, refreshed and rebooted josh if i could just allow myself the simple fucking pleasure of laying around my bedroom and listening to records... and THAT'S IT! nothing more, nothing less....

i need to hear new shit i don't know about. i need to hear old shit that i know by heart. i need to dance and thrash and play my air guitar and scream lyrics in my tone def style all by myself. i need to invite myself to this 1 person listening party..... elite vip list... you're not on it, can't get on it... but you should probably go and throw your own awesome 1 person listening party in your room.

when did listening to music stop being enough for me? when did it become another thing that had to be multitasked and thrown into the mix with everything else? i love music and lately i've abused it. i haven't appreciated music for what it is on its own.

if you can't find me and see no trace of me for a minute, don't be too concerned. just hope that i've finally done the right thing.... shut the rest of the world off for a bit so i can go to my room and listen to music.

clowns

i was in a burger king today eating and i saw a female clown there. she was just wrapping up her shift. apparently she was there making balloon animals and what not for kids inside of the burger king. for some reason i felt bad for her. here she was, looking totally out of place in her bright colors. it just didn't seem to fit the scene.

here's the thing about me and clowns... i get them... or i think i do. and i feel bad for them. clowns just want to make kids smile mostly. i'm not sure what it is inside of them that makes them tick. i guess being overly eager to make children smile can come across as a bit creepy in certain situations... but someone's gotta help make the kids smile. it's a shitty world. without clowns, cartoons, and toys what the fuck do kids got? they need these distractions while we try to hide this shitty world from them until they reach a certain age. i think this is why so many teens are fucked up and depressed and what not. but that's another concept for another day.

we need to try and give kids some happy years before reality sets in around them. clowns are here to help that cause. it's really some classy, honorable shit to devote yourself to. and yet some people fear them, some people hate them, some people mock them and so on and so forth.

and that's what really sucks about being a clown. you have to turn your seriousness in to do it right. cuz kids don't want serious. they want you at your most absurd. the less serious the better. works for the kids, but the rest of the world can't take you serious. when people don't take you serious, they tend to look down upon you.

and that's fucked up! 100 years ago your rugrat would be digging in coal mines or tending a farm by now. this is the best age in all of history to be a kid. and a lot of it has to do with how the concept of childhood has evolved over the years. kids used to be employees you didn't have to pay. now we're paying a lot of extra money to keep their hands clean and their faces smiling. clowns fall into the whole scheme of things. you bring your 2-3 little terrors into burger king for chicken nuggets and crowns AND there's a person there willing to act ridiculous just so they can make your kid a stupid balloon animal that you know is going to make them stupid happy. you need to take heed and appreciate that.

some people hate kids. some people don't wanna deal with them. a lot of people love their kids but could care less about other kids. yet clowns selflessly put themselves out there for all kids. so go ahead and hate on clowns. but remember that under the make up and ridiculousness is a real person who for some crazy reason wants to do something that involves helping kids enjoy life more. wow, what assholes.

a blog about being a fan of stuff

we live in a world filled with dreamers. people everywhere would like nothing more than to do something they love at a level that makes them famous. i'm not gonna get into the psychoanalysis of fame here... when looked at simply, fame seems fucking awesome. i'm sure like anything else, it has its drawbacks... but then again so does working a job you sorta don't like for 40-50 years... waiting for the end of the shift and the end of the week till you retire or die. meanwhile elsewhere in the world, it looks like some people are actually enjoying this roller coaster ride.

but here's the thing, we can't all be famous. we can't all be in bands or movies or write books or score touchdowns. we can't all be the ace of cakes... someone's gotta be around to enjoy it all. if it weren't for a fan base, then being famous would be impossible. you can't be an ace of cakes if no one's eating cake.

if you're not famous, then you're probably making fame possible. we all do it. the famous need us. in fact, they need us a lot more than we need them. without famous people, our lives would pretty much be the same.... go to work, do whatever it is we do with our free time and so on and so forth. but if it wasn't for the rest of us, the famous would just be normal people sitting in the cubicle next to you looking over your shoulder as you try to sneak a game of tetris in.

and it's good that they're not here with the rest of us. life would probably suck a lot more if there weren't any stages or platforms. we need art and music. someone's gotta give us the goods. music, movies, books, sports, etc, etc... all this stuff adds to things we enjoy in life which makes life an all around cooler experience.

i'm in no way trying to discourage anyone from being famous. if you think you got it, go for it (and if you think you can make my blog famous, go for it). but there's nothing wrong with being a fan. we help make them who they are which fuels them to create things we enjoy. so if you're a fan of something, be a fucking fan! make some noise! jump around! get excited! love the fuck out of whatever it is you love. and remember that whatever it is you think is so awesome wouldn't be there if it weren't for you.

where ya been josh???

i'm coming off an unplanned hiatus from blogging. it's not that i didn't want to blog. i've had a ton of ideas floating around in my head lately. it's my computer. there was something wrong with it and i don't know what. i'm not even sure how i got on it today. for the past bunch of days i've been unplugging and replugging wires hoping that some combo will get it to turn on. today was that day. now i'm scared to turn my computer off.

and it's a good thing i got it to turn on. i'm too poor to get it fixed or buy a new one and my job demands that i work from home in december (december's our peak season, so it's usually the only month i'm asked to work from home). that would've forced me to spend money i really don't have and that would've ruined christmas, a holiday i choose to celebrate (even though i don't believe in the dude it's about) by spending a stupid amount of money on people i see twice a year.

but i'm back so blogging should resume at a semi healthy flow. i had previously said november was going to be blogtastic but here i am with a 10 day vacancy in the middle of the month with no blogs. so my bad. if it upsets you or something, i'll give you 50% off the next blog. you're welcome.

love always,

@joshaintfunny (<--- shameless reminder to follow me on twitter which is like facebook except there's no farmville requests.)

surrounded by douchebags

i went to austin, texas recently for about a week with some friends of mine. a good time was had by all. one of the observations i made about austin is that the people there were really nice to us. the people of austin seemed to generally be friendlier people that i am usually accustomed to.

so then i come back to jersey where douchebaggery seems to be more in style. and i found myself wondering why do people in austin seem so much nicer than they do around here? a part of me thought maybe i just wasn't there long enough to get to know the bad side of austin. i'm sure somewhere under that cover of hospitality is a whole underbelly of jerks and douchebags hiding from my sight.

but then i started to think about every other time i travel outside of jersey. i've been to new orleans, las vegas, montreal, buffalo, los angeles, and colorado springs, all within recent years and everywhere i went people were straight up nicer than they are in my area (when i say my area, i'm thinking nj/nyc).

could it be that people weren't nicer everywhere i went? maybe that's just the norm as far as people go. maybe my area is below average. maybe the average person around here is just a bigger douchebag than the average person elsewhere.

and why not? look at the area i live in. it's densely populated to the point where it feels like people on top of people. there's constant noise and sirens and never a dull moment which may work against us. they call new york city the city that never sleeps. but have you seen what a lack of sleep does to someone's attitude? it's all one big clusterfuck of a rat race... an overcrowded rat race where the competition is tough, other rats are constantly in your way, and at the end of the day all you have to show for it is a stupid piece of cheese.

i'm not trying to say everyone that lives around here is an instant douchebag. there's definitely awesome people around here and it's not all doom and gloom. but for the most part, if you put our area in a douchebag contest with any other area in the world, i'm pretty sure odds would be steadily in our favor. we got douchebag written all over us.

so if you find yourself in other parts of the country (or the world for that matter), look around and see how wherever you may be stacks up against us in douchebaggery. and if you encounter a place that is full of hospitality, good manners, and all around swellness.... try and take a bit of that and bring it back home with you. fuck a souvenir from the gift shop, just bring back some of that awesomeness.

and for those of you who live around me and are starting to feel bad about who we are as a people and how others perceive us, don't worry... we're not the worst on the map. there's always philadelphia.

say it ain't so, joe (paterno)

joe paterno of penn state coaching fame was fired late last night. a child sex abuse scandal broke and it turns out it all happened under joe's nose.

at first i didn't know how to feel about it. i freaking loved joe paterno. i'm an avid football fan and if you would've asked me what i thought was the most awesome thing in all of football existence, i probably would've either said, jets rocking the world with a superbowl win, blue turf in boise, or motherfucking joe paterno.

the man's a legend. he's coached the same team for decades. he holds the record for most wins as a head coach. dude's been doing it well and right for too long. and throughout his whole tenure he was a cool customer. as his career stretched into the early 2000's, he grew to be like your awesome grandpa out there on the sideline still getting it done, still churning out quality football teams.

and he always tried to do things at a higher standard. his emphasis was on doing it the right way. he wasn't only a coach responsible for great players, he was responsible for helping to mold children into men and he wanted them to be great men.... it was more important to joe for them to be great human beings off the field than great players on it.

and this was supposed to be joe's legacy. when he called it quits and hung up his hat, he was supposed to hang his hat on the most secure and awe inspiring of legacies. when it was all said and done, who could be considered a greater force for all that is great about the sport of football than joe paterno?

and then this happened. inside the shadows a beast was lurking, something we were unaware of but it was waiting and couldn't hide forever. who knew it would all end like this? leaving behind a trail of sadness and anger and questions that will probably remain unanswered for a long time.


why???? why would you say nothing joe? why didn't you try to do more with the knowledge you had? why didn't you go to authorities? sure, you told your higher ups, but if they weren't going to do anything about it, why didn't you go out of your way to make sure this monster was squashed as early as possible?

and why the fuck would someone do such a thing? SANDUSKY. jerry sandusky. a name that will go down in infamy and will forever be synonymous with child sex abuse. you sexually abused children. you did more than just simply tarnish the name of an institution and end the tenure of a broken legend. you are the monster for which there are no kind words for. if you spent the rest of your life dodging rocks and spit, you'd be a lucky son of a bitch. i'd hope for justice to be served. but there's no true justice. there's no payback for what you've done. you can't give back and repair the childhoods you ruined. you can't unrape 10 year old boys. SANDUSKY, the reason people hope a place called Hell really exists because anything short of eternal suffering is getting off easy.

i was very saddened by all of this and at first very confused. they went after joe pa with a fury and i didn't want them to. somewhere in my head i wanted joe pa to have some sorta exemption, some sorta excuse, some sorta rational reason why his indifference should get a pass from us.

but he can't. him, all other coaches, all other authority figures who had any sort of knowledge of this horrendous situation should go and go immediately. walk west and never look back. you've lost your penn state privileges.

in the end i hope joe pa quietly walks away. i'm sure there will be court proceedings that will be splattered all over our tv's. i just hope joe keeps it quiet and fades off into the sunset. joe paterno. the name used to conjure ideas of high morality and ethics and consistency. now..... not so much.

i don't want joe to be the poster boy for what went wrong here. cuz at the end of the day, SANDUSKY's the one. SANDUSKY's the evil fucker for which there are no nice words. but guys like joe were supposed to protect us from the SANDUSKY's of the world.

joe's the poster boy for something different. perhaps it's indifference. or perhaps it's the concept of not rocking the boat too much and worrying more about the institutions we serve instead of serving ourselves. i'd like to think that anyone with a half a heart or conscience of any sort that is removed from an institution would call the cops or tell someone that could do something. it's not good enough to just tell your boss and forget about it. especially when you're joe paterno. don't you know what you stand for?

celebrating someone's birthday when they're not present (an office story)

we had a birthday at work today for someone in my department (it's a 5 person department so it's hard to miss birthdays). but our co-worker who's birthday it was took the day off, to which i say good for her! you should have your birthday off. shit, i think your birthday should be your own personal holiday. do with it as you please, just don't show up to work.

but unfortunately we don't all have jobs that can accommodate this and sometimes even if the availability is there to take the day off, some people still choose to work that day anyways (i myself work during a "black out" period. it's online retail so no days off around x-mas..... sooo robbed again for being born too close to that stupid, glory hogging holiday). so when people do show up to work on their birthdays, it's customary to at the least get your co-worker a cake.

even though it was marked on the calender and planned in advance, we'd forgotten that she had decided to use a vacation day. my supervisor, being the swell guy that he is, got a cake for her before he came into work today. once he got in, he, as well of the rest of us, realized she wouldn't be joining us today.

so what to do? i mean, he got the cake. she's not gonna be back till next week. the cake won't be any good at that point. so we decided that we should eat the cake anyways (side note: we got busy and forgot to eat the cake, but i'm pretty sure cake eating is on the agenda tomorrow once again when the birthday honoree won't be present).

this was one of them odd moments that had me thinking a whole lot about what's the right thing to do. at first i thought, if it was my birthday, i'd find it weird that my co-workers celebrated the occasion with cake while i wasn't there.

but it's not like that was the plan all along. our supervisor meant well by getting the cake. what's a guy to do? what's a department to do? how could we in good conscience let good cake go to waste? and it's not like we're a bunch of bad dudes... we would enjoy the cake eating while sincerely hoping our missing co-worker is having a great birthday.

so i think cake eating is the right thing to do... even if it may seem a little odd at the time of consumption. of course, the next part is telling her. cuz you can't just do something like that and not let her know you did it. if we kept it a secret from her, it'd be like we felt we were doing something wrong... but we're not... right? so the right thing to do is tell her.

"hey co-worker, we had cake to celebrate your birthday while you weren't here. hope you had a good one!"

we'll probably post pictures on her facebook page of us eating it. maybe that will help.

besides, it's not like one of us won't just buy another cake next week. two cakes in two weeks... the holidays are starting early for us!!!

joe frazier

dedicated to the memory of smokin' joe frazier.

life and sports and all else needs joe frazier. joe frazier represents that other dude, the one that might be the best, but we're really not sure. we look back on that era of boxing and most will say that ali was the greatest... but frazier beat him. that happened! so even if it was agreed by all (it isn't) that ali is the greatest, at one point, frazier beat the greatest.

and that's what life needs. no era can belong to only one guy, one team, one thing. the beatles needed the rolling stones. hulk hogan needed the macho man. robert deniro needed al pacino. joe montana needed dan marino. star wars needs star trek. coca cola needs pepsi.

it's competition. it's knowing that we'll never have a definitively best anything cuz the arguments will rage on. i may state that ali's considered the greatest of his era, but i know for damn sure there's people out there that would vehemently disagree. and that's the way it should be. no one thing should ever get away as the unchallenged best. because if that happened, everything would be boring and predictable.

there's enough sunshine for all the competitors to bask in. i'm all for the stoppage of these silly arguments of who's the best at what. it's all nonsense. it's a waste if you consider that both ali and frazier were amazing fighters and both should be enjoyed for what they did when they stepped in the ring.

let's enjoy everything awesome and stop limiting their awesomeness by trying to compare them to each other. in fact, let's acknowledge that their coexistence probably made for better competition. ali and frazier pushed each other to higher levels. they made each other that much better at what they did and helped solidify each other's legacies.

shutting down the competition (a story about buses)

i live in a super densely populated area that results in tons of buses everywhere. the main provider is nj transit. however, nj transit is not without competition. there is a more than decent amount of independently run shuttles and mini buses that compete with nj transit on a daily basis.

a lot of the competition can be sketchy, shady, and most likely unsafe. however, when it's all about just getting where you need to go, fuck it, i'll hop on that sketchy shuttle if it's gonna get me there quicker. and in a way, that's how it should be...i'm the consumer. i'm in the market to buy a ride to get somewhere as quick as possible. most times, i'm willing to hop on the first thing that shows up.

however, a lot of these other shuttles that run against nj transit are probably not in conditions that meet certain legal standards. i don't know for certain, but being in the area for as long as i have, i've heard a whole range of issues such as: no insurance, bus isn't registered, driver doesn't have a lisence, driver doesn't even have a legal form of id. or sometimes the buses are so old and beat up, there's just a ton of shit wrong with them that can get them pulled over.

the drivers of these buses also have a pretty crappy reputation when it comes to safe driving. the reputation is that they'll do dangerous things to get some place quicker (not like i've never seen a njt driver guilty of this either). a lot of people think they suck and ruin the quality of driving around here.

so you roll all that up into one big ball of consideration... it eventually leads to john law getting involved. it's usually in the form of a one day shutdown. they'll catch them all at the start of a major bus line or as they're coming out of the lincoln tunnel and pull them all over, find something wrong with them all, and impound all buses. this spreads to all the other bus drivers associated with them and that in turn leads to a total shutdown of the competition.

now there used to be a time where even though i took full advantage of these shuttles, i'd still think that maybe they were bad. one- they congest the roadways. two- it sorta hurts people who have jobs with nj transit. if these shuttles weren't around, nj transit could put more buses on these roadways and they'd be able to hire more people.

but that would just be a monopoly. i think someone should try to compete with the big, bad wolf of the bus routes. the demand is there. this area is way too populated to ever imagine there could be such a concept as enough buses.

anyways.... today was one of those days where they shut down the competition. there were no other buses available besides nj transit. and it sucked! buses were super crowded. the bus i got on to get to work was late... and i'd soon find out why... it takes forever to get anywhere when the bus has to go to EVERY SINGLE STOP and pick people up.

so while there may be some concern over safety and legality.... i can't help but think that these one day busts are a little counter productive. if there's something wrong with these other shuttles, something you think we should know, why not tell us? start a campaign. buy a commercial. mail me, email me, facebook me.... but when you decide to suddenly take hundreds of buses out of commission for a day, all you're really doing is adding to the misery of the common person who's just trying to go to school, work, the doctor, grandma's house, etc, etc, etc....

on a MONDAY no less!! c'mon!!!

they do this every so often, and every time they do, it reminds me of the upside of the sketchy, shady, dangerous shuttles. it actually cultivates my appreciation for them. they're legality means nothing to me... i didn't make the laws. i'm just a dude trying to get from point a to point b.

'state of the blog' blog

i'm coming off the biggest lapse in time in between publishing new posts here since late july (coincidentally when i quit drinking... cuz that equals more time to sit around and be bored and write stuff). i figure now is as good a time as any to reflect on the state of this blog, where it stands now, and where i plan to take it in the future.

first, i should report a brief state of the blogger who writes this blog. hi, i'm josh wells. i went on vacation to austin, tx and just got back yesterday. i didn't write shit while i was on vacation. i didn't plan to either. i figured i'd only be gone for a week so if i didn't feel the need to write, i knew i'd come back home and find myself writing soon.

i also chose to drink while on vacation. so that might've had something to do with it. but honestly, i think it's mostly that i didn't wanna sit around the hotel room writing blogs when there was a whole city i felt like i had to conquer in just a few days.

so that's where i'm at. i was sober for 3 months and 3 days and then went on a 6 day bender. i'm now 1 full day sober and plan to stay this way for some time. i drank a shitload of beer, but never on jersey soil. so i'm still on a roll as far as being sober at home goes.

i'm just throwing the sobriety stuff out there cuz i'm sure it plays a roll somehow in the production of this blog. it also gives you an idea of where my head's at. it felt really awesome to be sober for a little over 3 months. there's a part of me that wishes the streak would've continued. i know in about 9 months i'll think about how i could've went a year sober but didn't cuz of that week in austin. but fuck the regret. i did what i did cuz i was enjoying myself.

when i quit drinking in late july, i wasn't enjoying myself. i was just drinking cuz that's what i did. i fell in a comfortable pattern and realized that i just drank cuz i didn't know how else to pass the time. i felt like that was a pretty weak excuse to drink. so i quit. whenever someone asked me why i'd quit drinking, i'd say, 'i ran out of reasons to drink.' i was drinking without purpose. i wasn't celebrating anything. i was just mindlessly consuming.

but now i'm back in jersey. i'm sober. i just completed my first jog on jersey soil since being back and i feel really fucking good!

it probably also helps that yesterday was kinda a 'blah' day. vacations are great. but that day used to travel back always feels like a disposable day. i woke up and focused all my attention on getting back home which was halfway across the country. i had to fly to accomplish this. i don't like flying. i mean, i like the idea of flying in the sense that it's a quick way to get somewhere far, and for that i am grateful. but i hate being in a plane. i'm too tall to be comfortable and i don't like the idea of being in a metal tube for hours 30,000 feet in the air.

then once i got back, i had to find a way home. getting home from airports is always a minor pain in the ass. it usually involves long rides and traffic. by the time i get home, i'm thinking, "great, i'm finally home and no where near to going back to that awesome place i just was when i woke up today." oh, and my cats decided to throw a party and trash the place while i was away.

vacations are awesome. if there was just some way to wake up that last day and be home already, that would be totally rad.

anyways.....

this blog is gonna be alright people! i know that october only had 15 posts which is the lowest since july. i know that i took an 8 day break since my last post and i didn't even remember what my last post was about till i signed in today (it's about 'stairway to heaven' being overrated. i'm pretty proud of it. you should read it). but i'm back and i'm charged with a lot of ideas for new posts (at least 5, including this one). and by the time i get through those 5, i will probably already have thought about 5 new topics to write about so i look forward to november being blogtastic.

in the meantime, i hope you've taken advantage of this lapse in new posts by catching up on my old shit. i think i'm gonna have a pop quiz on new year's day or something and who ever knows the most about my blog's gonna win a crappy t-shirt. it'll probably be a self serving t-shirt with a less than spectacular phrase on it like, 'i know joshaintfunny.blogpost.com.'

i also have this ebook idea in the back of my head where i collect a bunch of old blogs (starting with stuff from my myspace days), tweets, and other josh related nonsense. so if you don't have a favorite book yet, give me some time, you will.

other than that, spread the word. there's only 2 of you. tweet links and tell your fb friends to read it or else kittens will die (okay, that's mean. kittens are gonna die either way and now i'm just sad).

what the fuck's the big deal about, 'stairway to heaven'

okay, i get it... it's an epic song... it has ups and downs... slow parts, fast parts... and all that jazz. it just so happens to be created by led zeppelin, a band that tons of people think are the greatest thing to ever happen to human beings.

and i'll give led zep their due.... they're a fucking awesome band. they own this epic spot in rock history that's almost christ like in the sense that you can divide rock's history into 'before zeppelin,' and, 'after zeppelin,' and it would make total fucking sense. you can see rock take this great big change at around that same time.

i get all this and yet i just don't think, 'stairway' is THE song. i don't think it's their best song... i don't even keep it in my top 5 list of zep tunes. most times when that song comes on the radio, i mess around with the tuner to see if i can find something better. 'stairway' inspires me to be daring and go look for an upgrade on another station.

now i know i date myself with all this talk of radio, but you all know what the radio is and i to a certain extent still listen to it... mostly around the house... i like the idea of someone else playing music for me... it takes the thinking out of it. i don't need to use my decision making skills to pick a next song, someone else does that and then i either approve or disapprove. disapproval sends me on a mission to find something better... and sometimes i don't find anything better and i have to go back to 'stairway' and settle... but sometimes when i'm home doing stuff, that's a lot better than having to think about what i wanna choose next.

anyways... the reason i talk to such extent of radio is cuz i blame radio for 'stairway' being the popular song it is. there's no such thing as a top 100 or 500 countdown of all time rock songs without 'stairway' taking one of the top 3 spots (most times the #1 spot). and yet i find most top 100 or 500 countdowns to be total anarchy. i don't even think all that much thought is put into it. they make sure they get the top 20 somewhere near correct and respectable, but other than that i think it's mostly people looking through record collections saying, 'yea this song here, this is a good one, play that in spot #147.'

i think 'stairway' always makes it so high on the list cuz the song is like a best friend to radio dj's. it's looooong. so while this song is on, you can use the bathroom. if you're a dj in sudden need of a bathroom break, fuck it... put on some 'stairway.' gives you enough time to get your business accomplished and when you come back everyone's telling you, 'fuckin a man! thanks for gettin the led out!!' you're a hero and all you did was try and find an 8 minute ballad to cover you while you poop.

dj's don't forget this sorta thing... this is their secret weapon. all the rock dj's of history owe a debt of gratitude to 'stairway.' as a result, they give it a lot more love than it probably deserves... ask a dj who's been in a tight bathroom related predicament what their favorite song is, it'd make all the sense in the world for them to say, 'stairway.' it's the only song that does them any favors, the only song that gives anything back to the dj. it's a gift from led zep to radio dj's.... a gift that just keeps on giving...

so here we are 30 something years after the fact... over 3 decades of radio dj's all around the world giving 'stairway' it's more than abundant share of spins and praise. we eat that shit up cuz if you repeat anything enough, it gets more popular and we start to like it more (even if you personally disagree with that statement, you're on the outside looking in. think about the 5-10 songs you hear on radio over and over and over and look around you and see what everyone is listening to. everyone but you is listening to those same 5-10 songs that the radio repeats over and over... it's a very slight form of brainwashing... so if you don't agree with the statement i just made, congrats, you're not mildly brainwashed... all at the cost of being an outsider who everyone calls an elitist douche when you're not around).

you've been told, convinced, and damn near forced to agree that 'stairway to heaven' is the greatest song of all time. don't feel too bad about it though. at least it's not a meatloaf song.

(the author would like to note at this time that no science, research, or actual knowledge of the radio industry was used in the creation of this blog. but if you came to my blog looking for that sorta thing, i'm pretty sure i lost your attention a long time ago anyways.)

fame's only cool if you're alive to enjoy it

i don't want to get famous after i die. if i'm gonna achieve any fame at all, i wanna be alive to enjoy it. what good is providing enjoyment or inspiration for people if you don't personally know that you had that affect?

i don't wanna spend my life struggling and unknown if i have this potential to be appreciated by a shitload of people. i don't wanna die typing away at this blog for the enjoyment of 2 other people besides myself... and then some time after i die, all of the sudden motherfuckers wanna start reading my blog. all of the sudden it gets tons of hits and goes viral and everybody wants to know everything about this josh wells character.

and they'll all say, 'if i only knew about him when he was alive. i love his work.' yea, fat lot of good that does me. now you're gonna tell all your friends about this stuff you just have to read. now i'll be talked about in social circles of people i'll never know on the other side of the world.

i don't even think this is a selfish way of thinking. if anyone has that potential and ability to create something so awesome that it makes them famous, then why can't it happen when that person is alive? even if it changes the world in a positive way... i wouldn't wanna hear, 'well he died before getting famous but look at all the good it brought to the world.' if it brings so much good to the world, then it should've been able to do the same during my lifetime.

not that i'm trying to say that i do anything that brings good to the world or that i should be famous. i'm just saying, if fame for some reason at all comes to me, i wanna be able to enjoy it. i wanna be able to make a living off of it. i don't even have to be rich... just make enough to live comfortably without having a "real" job. i want the validation. that's what people do shit for. they wanna hear someone say, 'hey man, good shit.' no one's making art to remain anonymous.

so if i'm dead and you're reading this, do me a favor.... don't name a street, building, library, bar, sports arena, sports team, concert hall, city, state, country, planet, star, or alternate universe after me. it's not much of an honor to me if i can't show up to bask in the glow and give a 5-6 minute acceptance speech.

if i die unfamous, may i remain that way for all of eternity.

gwar blog

so i saw gwar last night and it was a unique experience to say the least. if you're unfamiliar with gwar, they're a band that dresses up like space monsters of some sort. they play wicked heavy metal and put on a blood soaked show. in between songs they introduce new characters in crazy costumes and pretty much kill them all off. as characters are killed, parts of their bodies or guts shoot blood onto the crowd. towards the end of the night, practically all attendees and the whole floor are covered in fake blood.




when we first walked in, i wasn't too sure what to expect. i'd heard a lot about their live shows. i figured i had to see them live at least once. other than what i've heard from other people about their live shows, i don't know a whole lot about gwar. i can't sing a lyric, name an album, or tell you any of the alien names of any of the members of the band.

when the show first started, i thought, wow, someone could have a seizure up in here. they had this crazy light sequence going on with fast paced heavy metal blasting and streams of blood being fired into the crowd from hoses carefully crafted inside the guts of their latest outer space enemy/victim.

my brain settled into the groove a couple songs into the set. i was starting to get a kick out of the whole show. the plot was ridiculous, but they never ran out of reasons to kill some new character so that character can bleed onto the crowd.

i stood toward the side and to the back. i admit i was letting the inner old man in me get the best of me. i didn't want any part of the 'moshing while blood rained onto me' experience. once i got there and looked around me, i saw people there moshing, and gyrating, and screaming lyrics as if these songs i couldn't understand a word to were sing-a-longs in their world. i felt like chances were that there was at least one serial killer in the crowd that night. and the moshing was viscous. i've been to a fair share of shows and i've been inside a fair share of mosh pits... but this was different. there was a lot of anger. i saw what was bumping into each other a lot turn into a lot of fists flying and people throwing other people around like rag dolls. all of this was taking place on a floor that increasingly became more slippery due to the fake blood raining onto the crowd.

even though i hung out on the sidelines, i had a helluva time at the show. i found myself getting into it... especially when they brought out snookie (not the real snookie, but y'know, another disposable character for gwar to kill) and killed her. i got a kick out of that. it was such cartoonish horror going on in front of us. i'll give it up to gwar, they put on a fucking show!

i found myself thinking about the actual members of the band, the dudes under these crazy ass costumes. i couldn't imagine all the planning and plotting that goes into their show. there's probably a small army of people behind the scenes busting their asses to make it all happen. somewhere in the gwar camp was probably a dude who's sole responsibility was to make sure they always had enough fake blood (i can't imagine how much is enough. i can't even begin to describe how much fake blood pours onto the crowd. think about a shit load of blood and then multiply it by a shitload). i couldn't help but think that this might possibly be the hardest working group of motherfuckers in the game. it sure looked like a lot of hard work.

and i can't imagine what the security staff thought of gwar. you had your typical dude stationed in front of the stage to catch people who are crowd surfing. that dude was wearing a poncho. he's right in front of the stage the whole time with his back to the bloodfest that's going on for an hour and a half, fake blood pouring down all over him... and he has to stand there and make sure the kids don't hurt themselves crowd surfing.

there was another security dude who spent a good amount of time in the middle of the mosh pit breaking shit up. every now and again i'd catch a glimpse of him yelling at someone, telling people to separate, threatening to kick people out. all the while it's raining blood in the club. it's just an insane scene. probably as good a day as any to rock a sick day.

gwar fans, i don't know what's wrong with you. you scare me. but it's all good and i'd probably check gwar out again.... if there is a next time, hopefully i'll do the right thing, a thing a lot of people seem to do at gwar shows, dress all in white.

interesting side notes:

great fucking show to go to this close to halloween.

there was one point into the set where 3 songs went by and no new characters were introduced and killed, so i was all like, "this is bullshit!"

they were selling bottled water called, "gwater." i don't know if that's gwar making money or someone else just being opportunistic off their name. either way, it was $4 so i didn't buy any.