i find myself oddly inspired by death as of late. it's sorta a grim concept but i can't help but look at death and think about my own life and how it's like a clock ticking away. death is this ultimate reminder that no matter how much time i get, it's finite and the brink of nonexistence gets closer as the moments roll on.
i attended the wake of a 23 year old friend not too long ago. and i walked out of there thinking all sorts of crazy shit. the first and most obvious thought that crossed my mind was what a robbery of a life. 23's too young to go. but then i started thinking about my own life. i'm 32. i already got 9 bonus years from 23. and what the fuck have i done with it? i'm not gonna say nothing at all, but i've wasted enough of it to know that i haven't exactly spent the time optimally.
i've settled for less and compromised my vision in life. i've spent a good portion of my life playing the role of your good buddy. and i'm not blaming this on anyone but me... but i've sacrificed a lot of myself to be well liked by everyone else. i've overdosed on the golden rule. i've gone out of my way to make sure that everyone thought i was a nice guy.... except for maybe my ex-girlfriends... they've always gotten the brunt of my other side, the repressed side... the side that's bitter about being stuck in the stupid buddy role when i want so much more. and it's women who i've shared relationships with who are the only ones i've ever felt close enough to act any other way than as your fake buddy.
and i'm not justifying me being an asshole to women. that's not fucking cool at all. i'm also not letting all of my ex's off the hook either. some of them were capable of epic bitchness for sure... but i can look back now and see the err of my own ways as well. i've definitely been no saint.
but this isn't about relationships. this is about me. i need to stop with the bullshit. i need to stop living the lie. i can be a nice guy to a degree, but i gotta drop the routine when it interferes with my path and where i'm trying to go in my life. i'm gonna do and say some things that piss people off. and so is everyone else. it's part of existence. me going out of my way to try and avoid that is ridiculous. no one's gonna go through life without angering people.... probably lots of them.
and i'm not gonna wake up tomorrow a total asshole either. i'm just gonna be more honest. there's stuff in my life i'm not happy with. and sometimes i think i can fake it and keep trudging forward and tell myself, 'well, that's just how life is.' but that's settling for something that i think i'm more than.
i wanna sit around less. i wanna be a person of constant movement, always on the go, always doing something, always writing or reading or speaking my mind somewhere. always trying to figure out what's the next step... one foot in front of the next. just keep moving them fucking feet.
cuz one day i'll be old (i assume, anyways. nothing's for certain). and i don't wanna be the normal old dude. i still wanna be on the move. i still wanna be going at the pace of one foot in front of the next. there's this dude at my job who could retire but he won't. he thinks if he retires, he dies. he keeps going, one foot in front of the next.
in short, that's what i think of lately when i think about death. it inspires me to keep going, don't stop, no rest, one foot in front of the next.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
"hey! slow down! you're making me look bad!"
the rain finally broke at the beginning of my eighth lap around the lake. it was glorious.
the heat and humidity beat down on me for the first seven laps. an eight mile run is hard enough in perfect conditions. all i could do was try and grind through it, rancid blaring though my headphones the whole way. the music was my soundtrack. the plot reaches it's climax when i, a dude who hardly believes in a god or any form of higher power, wishes he could somehow pray for rain.
not that this would be some miracle. storm clouds loomed over in the distance the whole time. i watched them, hoping they'd come closer. they took their time and at some point i told myself to not count on storm clouds to get me through today. i was gonna do all ten laps i had set out to do whether the rain came to cool me off or not.
there was something so awesome about that moment when the rain began, when it started to pour down hard. when i looked around and saw the look on people's faces... the people that came out to the lake to chill out and enjoy the sunshine. it was a look of disappointment and surrender cuz they knew the rain had finally come and it was serious about ruining their fun filled outing in the sun.
it's not that i get joy out of watching their days get ruined. but one person's storm cloud is another person's oasis. people disappeared and i soon felt alone as i ran around the lake... just me, the geese, and the storm clouds that had finally decided to make their presence known.
i encountered a few other random people as i looked to finish up my last three laps. the only one that stuck out was an older dude, if i had to guess his age, i'd say in the 55-60 range. he was running at a slow pace, maybe as slow as someone could possibly run. but he was putting in time. i lost exact count, but we were running in opposite directions and i crossed his path at least five times.
the first couple of times we passed each other, nothing was said. we passed each other in silence. this is customary for me. i consider it the status quo of runner etiquette at the lake. i don't say much to other runners. sometimes there's a shared head nod... i guess to acknowledge to each other what awesome human beings we are for running.
then around the third time we ran past each other, he gave me the thumbs up. cool. i gave it right back. i appreciate that. i like some runner camaraderie. every now and then i'll encounter things like this. i'll run past another runner and they'll say something semi-inspirational like, "keep it up!" and i'll throw something right back at them like, "we're better than everybody else!" (okay, i've never said that, but i should). one time i ran into a friend who was also running at the lake, and she went for the high five. that was awesome. that's probably the closest i'll ever get to the feeling of winning at team sports.
so the next time the older dude runs past me, i throw him the thumbs up first. he gives it right back. and now we have a bond. the next time i saw him, the rain had already started. he seemed to be in total 'who gives a fuck mode' and had his shirt off. it's pouring as we're about to cross paths. i yell out at him, "best weather we've had all day!" he chuckles (i don't know if it was funny, but he's a cool dude for throwing the chuckle out there regardless).
next time i see him is the last time. i'm on lap ten. i'm ready to call it a day. he says to me, "hey, slow down! you're making me look bad!" i said to him, "you gotta keep it going! i'm finished! this is it for me." shortly thereafter, i finished lap ten and walked home in the rain.
i wish i had said something better in response to him. i wish i told him that i can't possibly make him look bad. i wish i could've told him how much i respect him for being out there, much older than me, and running many laps, not letting the rain stop him. i couldn't possibly make him look bad. he's making a former version of me look bad. 25 year old josh would be embarrassed by this dude. 25 year old josh didn't have much hope of looking into the future and seeing himself as a runner in his 50's. in this moment, there's no one awesomer to me than this old man. cuz when i run past that old man, i hope i'm running past me. i hope that when i'm in my 50's, i'm still out at the lake doing laps... in the rain no less. putting in time and exhausting myself and still with enough resolve to throw thumbs ups and words of encouragement at other runners.
if i slow down now, i'll never be where you are. you're an inspiration, a reason for me to never slow down. i know he said it jokingly... but i got nothing but admiration for the older runners out there. there's nothing that looks bad about an old dude who's still got it and who's still invested in himself enough to go out for recreational runs. look bad? no way old dude. you're much too awesome for that.
the heat and humidity beat down on me for the first seven laps. an eight mile run is hard enough in perfect conditions. all i could do was try and grind through it, rancid blaring though my headphones the whole way. the music was my soundtrack. the plot reaches it's climax when i, a dude who hardly believes in a god or any form of higher power, wishes he could somehow pray for rain.
not that this would be some miracle. storm clouds loomed over in the distance the whole time. i watched them, hoping they'd come closer. they took their time and at some point i told myself to not count on storm clouds to get me through today. i was gonna do all ten laps i had set out to do whether the rain came to cool me off or not.
there was something so awesome about that moment when the rain began, when it started to pour down hard. when i looked around and saw the look on people's faces... the people that came out to the lake to chill out and enjoy the sunshine. it was a look of disappointment and surrender cuz they knew the rain had finally come and it was serious about ruining their fun filled outing in the sun.
it's not that i get joy out of watching their days get ruined. but one person's storm cloud is another person's oasis. people disappeared and i soon felt alone as i ran around the lake... just me, the geese, and the storm clouds that had finally decided to make their presence known.
i encountered a few other random people as i looked to finish up my last three laps. the only one that stuck out was an older dude, if i had to guess his age, i'd say in the 55-60 range. he was running at a slow pace, maybe as slow as someone could possibly run. but he was putting in time. i lost exact count, but we were running in opposite directions and i crossed his path at least five times.
the first couple of times we passed each other, nothing was said. we passed each other in silence. this is customary for me. i consider it the status quo of runner etiquette at the lake. i don't say much to other runners. sometimes there's a shared head nod... i guess to acknowledge to each other what awesome human beings we are for running.
then around the third time we ran past each other, he gave me the thumbs up. cool. i gave it right back. i appreciate that. i like some runner camaraderie. every now and then i'll encounter things like this. i'll run past another runner and they'll say something semi-inspirational like, "keep it up!" and i'll throw something right back at them like, "we're better than everybody else!" (okay, i've never said that, but i should). one time i ran into a friend who was also running at the lake, and she went for the high five. that was awesome. that's probably the closest i'll ever get to the feeling of winning at team sports.
so the next time the older dude runs past me, i throw him the thumbs up first. he gives it right back. and now we have a bond. the next time i saw him, the rain had already started. he seemed to be in total 'who gives a fuck mode' and had his shirt off. it's pouring as we're about to cross paths. i yell out at him, "best weather we've had all day!" he chuckles (i don't know if it was funny, but he's a cool dude for throwing the chuckle out there regardless).
next time i see him is the last time. i'm on lap ten. i'm ready to call it a day. he says to me, "hey, slow down! you're making me look bad!" i said to him, "you gotta keep it going! i'm finished! this is it for me." shortly thereafter, i finished lap ten and walked home in the rain.
i wish i had said something better in response to him. i wish i told him that i can't possibly make him look bad. i wish i could've told him how much i respect him for being out there, much older than me, and running many laps, not letting the rain stop him. i couldn't possibly make him look bad. he's making a former version of me look bad. 25 year old josh would be embarrassed by this dude. 25 year old josh didn't have much hope of looking into the future and seeing himself as a runner in his 50's. in this moment, there's no one awesomer to me than this old man. cuz when i run past that old man, i hope i'm running past me. i hope that when i'm in my 50's, i'm still out at the lake doing laps... in the rain no less. putting in time and exhausting myself and still with enough resolve to throw thumbs ups and words of encouragement at other runners.
if i slow down now, i'll never be where you are. you're an inspiration, a reason for me to never slow down. i know he said it jokingly... but i got nothing but admiration for the older runners out there. there's nothing that looks bad about an old dude who's still got it and who's still invested in himself enough to go out for recreational runs. look bad? no way old dude. you're much too awesome for that.
Friday, July 27, 2012
battle cry
all i wanna hear are battle cries. i'm at a phase of my life where the last thing i need are slow songs or love songs or anything that inspires a mood of gentleness and reflection. i don't wanna chill out. i don't need anyone telling me to, "just be cool." right now, all i wanna do is make some noise. i wanna shake stuff, not just stuff, i wanna shake everything. i wanna shake the world. i want people everywhere to lose their balance and fall only to get back up and start doing some shaking of their own.
i don't wanna meditate. i don't wanna learn yoga poses. i don't wanna hear what they have to say. fuck that. i wanna yell. i wanna move. i wanna run. i wanna run like the barbarians coming to tear down your walls. you know you can't keep them out forever. they're loud and ferocious and i wanna run with the pack. i wanna raise my fist and scream to the skies. i wanna break down every wall and barrier i encounter.
i wanna read words that punch faces. i wanna see things that need no explaining. explosions can't be reasoned with. they go boom and things get scorched. it all makes sense. who has time for plot twists and trick endings that leave you wondering if you understand what you just saw? everyone understands explosions.
this by no means is a call to violence. this is a call to action. a call to myself and anyone else who feels like trying hard to not rock the boat is a really bad role to play right now. in all you say and do, be loud. be heard. be passionate. let the bombs go off in the night. let the explosions light up the sky. let the colors be frenzy and spirit.
you and me, we're alive. let our hearts beat loudly. let no one silence what we know we can't control. let the urges of that which is awesome and beautiful in our souls drive us to scream primal, run eternal, and never surrender. the time for diplomacy and settling for less is over. things are changing. the time for battle is near. for now, it's the time of the battle cry.
i don't wanna meditate. i don't wanna learn yoga poses. i don't wanna hear what they have to say. fuck that. i wanna yell. i wanna move. i wanna run. i wanna run like the barbarians coming to tear down your walls. you know you can't keep them out forever. they're loud and ferocious and i wanna run with the pack. i wanna raise my fist and scream to the skies. i wanna break down every wall and barrier i encounter.
i wanna read words that punch faces. i wanna see things that need no explaining. explosions can't be reasoned with. they go boom and things get scorched. it all makes sense. who has time for plot twists and trick endings that leave you wondering if you understand what you just saw? everyone understands explosions.
this by no means is a call to violence. this is a call to action. a call to myself and anyone else who feels like trying hard to not rock the boat is a really bad role to play right now. in all you say and do, be loud. be heard. be passionate. let the bombs go off in the night. let the explosions light up the sky. let the colors be frenzy and spirit.
you and me, we're alive. let our hearts beat loudly. let no one silence what we know we can't control. let the urges of that which is awesome and beautiful in our souls drive us to scream primal, run eternal, and never surrender. the time for diplomacy and settling for less is over. things are changing. the time for battle is near. for now, it's the time of the battle cry.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
conflicted (i want you dead)
you are quite possibly the worst person on earth. i can't stand anything about you right now. there's nothing about you that anyone can possibly respect. when you go out in public, people should spit on you and throw stones. people should line up for a chance to ball up a fist and take a shot right at your stupid face. there's nothing about you that i want to protect. i want you to think about the things you've done in your life and live in a constant state of fear, nervousness and anxiety. i want you to feel threatened constantly. i want you to be worried about every corner you turn and every person you meet. i want you to believe with the faith of a saint that everything is NOT going to be alright, that this will all end badly.
deep down inside, there is a part of me that burns, that part of me that wants to see you suffer. i want you to know pain. i want to see you beg for your own death. but not because you think you deserve to die, we already know you do. i want your soul to cry out for a death that is the only form of relief from the hell that is your life.
and yet, i can't let this happen. i'm unable to allow myself to let you nosedive into failure, danger, and destruction. everyday i wake up and i look at you and i know that i have to give this my best. i have to stand tall and proclaim to a world that craves to watch you bleed, 'you can't have him. over my dead body.' in the end, i'll wear the villain's mask and put in my best performance. i'll give this my all. although you sicken me, i'm determined and inspired to make this work.
i have no choice. i'm your lawyer.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
henry rollins vs. those 'free hugs' people
obviously this is a bout that henry rollins wins in a landslide.
i've been reading henry rollins lately... 'the portable henry rollins,' to be exact. and he's so angry and raw and has such an outlook on things and i find it hard to put it into words... which is good. cuz who wants to be easily classified? not henry rollins, that's for sure. the reoccurring feeling i get as i read through the pages is alienation. and he does such a great job of expressing alienation that it's beautiful to me in it's own very dark, twisted way.
i wanna say i'd like to give henry rollins a hug. but that motherfucker doesn't want a hug. hugs are weak. fuck hugs. anyone who needs a hug needs to reevaluate their own self worth. he talks about being alone a lot... wanting to be alone... not complaining about it. he's the anti-everything else. everyone else is feeling bad for themselves and singing 'creep' by radiohead and longing for some romantic partnership to fill the void that they're guilty of creating in themselves.
then there's the 'free hugs' people. you know who i'm talking about, right? you see them at concerts and in other places where tons of people gather. they stand around with signs raised high in the air that say, 'free hugs.' they want to hug you and even more, they want you to feel free to go up and hug them. and it's a nice gesture... i guess. cuz the world can be such a cold, hateful place.. wouldn't it be nice to see more hugs in the world?
but i think rollins is fighting the same thing that the 'free hugs' people are. he also realizes the world is a cold and hateful place. but rollins seems to be more about adapting to it, toughening up and dealing with it. don't let the world bring you down into the muck. if you do, it's your own fault.
if i had my choice and it was a choice of only two extremes... a world where everyone's tougher and deals with the bullshit of this world in an appropriate manner, or a world where we all hugged each other all the time, i think i'd take the former. i don't wanna wake up everyday and feel the pressure to be constantly hugging and embracing everybody. sometimes i just want to be left the fuck alone. and if that means i have to swim hard through the ocean of bullshit to do it, then so be it. cuz i can't subject myself to a life of constant hugging.
that's just me. and i'm pretty sure either way that if henry rollins read this, he'd probably be like, 'who's this josh dude? i wanna break his fucking face.' and if that was his natural reaction, i suppose i wouldn't want it any other way.
i've been reading henry rollins lately... 'the portable henry rollins,' to be exact. and he's so angry and raw and has such an outlook on things and i find it hard to put it into words... which is good. cuz who wants to be easily classified? not henry rollins, that's for sure. the reoccurring feeling i get as i read through the pages is alienation. and he does such a great job of expressing alienation that it's beautiful to me in it's own very dark, twisted way.
i wanna say i'd like to give henry rollins a hug. but that motherfucker doesn't want a hug. hugs are weak. fuck hugs. anyone who needs a hug needs to reevaluate their own self worth. he talks about being alone a lot... wanting to be alone... not complaining about it. he's the anti-everything else. everyone else is feeling bad for themselves and singing 'creep' by radiohead and longing for some romantic partnership to fill the void that they're guilty of creating in themselves.
then there's the 'free hugs' people. you know who i'm talking about, right? you see them at concerts and in other places where tons of people gather. they stand around with signs raised high in the air that say, 'free hugs.' they want to hug you and even more, they want you to feel free to go up and hug them. and it's a nice gesture... i guess. cuz the world can be such a cold, hateful place.. wouldn't it be nice to see more hugs in the world?
but i think rollins is fighting the same thing that the 'free hugs' people are. he also realizes the world is a cold and hateful place. but rollins seems to be more about adapting to it, toughening up and dealing with it. don't let the world bring you down into the muck. if you do, it's your own fault.
if i had my choice and it was a choice of only two extremes... a world where everyone's tougher and deals with the bullshit of this world in an appropriate manner, or a world where we all hugged each other all the time, i think i'd take the former. i don't wanna wake up everyday and feel the pressure to be constantly hugging and embracing everybody. sometimes i just want to be left the fuck alone. and if that means i have to swim hard through the ocean of bullshit to do it, then so be it. cuz i can't subject myself to a life of constant hugging.
that's just me. and i'm pretty sure either way that if henry rollins read this, he'd probably be like, 'who's this josh dude? i wanna break his fucking face.' and if that was his natural reaction, i suppose i wouldn't want it any other way.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
a break up letter from the president
(preface:
i'd like to mention now that this in no way is about president obama. it's not a satirical piece or anything clever like that. it's just some silly concept i happened to come up with towards the tail end of president obama's first term.
now on with the silliness. enjoy. or don't. just don't have a stick up your butt and think i'm making a political statement. thanks.)
dear america,
i have decided that i will not be running for reelection at the conclusion of my first term as president of the united states of america. it's not that i don't think i'm the man for the job anymore. i still believe i'm qualified, and probably the most qualified, for the job. but you've broken my heart over these past four years america. i can't stand to subject myself to the heartache any longer.
i wish i could say, "it's not you, it's me." but that would be a lie. i have dedicated everything i have, and then some, to serve you as best as i could. the sacrifices a person must make to be efficient in this position are numerous. i never knew how much i had to give until i learned how to dig down and give more than i thought i ever had.
i haven't had a good night's sleep in years. i become envious, saddened, and a little enraged when i think of the millions of americans who may be fortunate enough to follow a proper and healthy sleeping schedule, all so they can wake up with enough energy to express their disapproval of my job. america, we've had our low points in this relationship, but it's not all bad. why can't you enjoy the good things? i see that you enjoy flat screen tv's and high speed internet and water that's clean enough to not kill you like it does in other parts of the world. it hasn't all fallen apart. why can't you give me some credit? i'm doing the best i can.
and that's just it. i've given you my best, my all and what do i get in return? i've received death threats and even worse, death threats against my wife and children... even against the white house cat, roosevelt. no one has taken my life, but they've tried. i wake up on a semi regular basis to briefings and detailed reports of foiled assassination plots. it's like a hollywood movie, except i'm the president and this is real life and the existence that people want to end is all my own.
if you'd tell me you loved me every once in a while, showed a little appreciation and compassion, perhaps i'd reconsider. but i feel like we've come too far and there's no turning back. you've shown your true colors. you're cruel and mean spirited.
and as bad as you are to me, i will still love you america. but i must move on. i'm ready to be on my own. i look forward to it. i'm going to go back home and hang out with some friends, drink some beers, shoot some pool, watch some espn. i'm going to bring my kids to an amusement park with big roller coasters and overpriced concessions. i'm going to take a nap on a hammock in my backyard. i'm going to practice the art of lazy sundays till it makes me sick.
and when i'm ready america, i'll come back to you. but in a different role i'm afraid. i won't have the commitment to be your president anymore. but i'll participate in the speech circuit and you can pay money to come see me speak. it'll be glorious. i'll say intelligent things that you paid to hear and when it's all said and done, you'll applaud me. and i'll go home and not worry about calls on red phones at 3am or a soaring unemployment rate. i won't have to because you'll have moved on to someone else. i don't know who yet, but i can assure you, you'll find another president. and you might even like him (or her) better than you ever liked me. just be gentle america. they're giving you their best.
with a heavy heart,
your soon to be ex-president
i'd like to mention now that this in no way is about president obama. it's not a satirical piece or anything clever like that. it's just some silly concept i happened to come up with towards the tail end of president obama's first term.
now on with the silliness. enjoy. or don't. just don't have a stick up your butt and think i'm making a political statement. thanks.)
dear america,
i have decided that i will not be running for reelection at the conclusion of my first term as president of the united states of america. it's not that i don't think i'm the man for the job anymore. i still believe i'm qualified, and probably the most qualified, for the job. but you've broken my heart over these past four years america. i can't stand to subject myself to the heartache any longer.
i wish i could say, "it's not you, it's me." but that would be a lie. i have dedicated everything i have, and then some, to serve you as best as i could. the sacrifices a person must make to be efficient in this position are numerous. i never knew how much i had to give until i learned how to dig down and give more than i thought i ever had.
i haven't had a good night's sleep in years. i become envious, saddened, and a little enraged when i think of the millions of americans who may be fortunate enough to follow a proper and healthy sleeping schedule, all so they can wake up with enough energy to express their disapproval of my job. america, we've had our low points in this relationship, but it's not all bad. why can't you enjoy the good things? i see that you enjoy flat screen tv's and high speed internet and water that's clean enough to not kill you like it does in other parts of the world. it hasn't all fallen apart. why can't you give me some credit? i'm doing the best i can.
and that's just it. i've given you my best, my all and what do i get in return? i've received death threats and even worse, death threats against my wife and children... even against the white house cat, roosevelt. no one has taken my life, but they've tried. i wake up on a semi regular basis to briefings and detailed reports of foiled assassination plots. it's like a hollywood movie, except i'm the president and this is real life and the existence that people want to end is all my own.
if you'd tell me you loved me every once in a while, showed a little appreciation and compassion, perhaps i'd reconsider. but i feel like we've come too far and there's no turning back. you've shown your true colors. you're cruel and mean spirited.
and as bad as you are to me, i will still love you america. but i must move on. i'm ready to be on my own. i look forward to it. i'm going to go back home and hang out with some friends, drink some beers, shoot some pool, watch some espn. i'm going to bring my kids to an amusement park with big roller coasters and overpriced concessions. i'm going to take a nap on a hammock in my backyard. i'm going to practice the art of lazy sundays till it makes me sick.
and when i'm ready america, i'll come back to you. but in a different role i'm afraid. i won't have the commitment to be your president anymore. but i'll participate in the speech circuit and you can pay money to come see me speak. it'll be glorious. i'll say intelligent things that you paid to hear and when it's all said and done, you'll applaud me. and i'll go home and not worry about calls on red phones at 3am or a soaring unemployment rate. i won't have to because you'll have moved on to someone else. i don't know who yet, but i can assure you, you'll find another president. and you might even like him (or her) better than you ever liked me. just be gentle america. they're giving you their best.
with a heavy heart,
your soon to be ex-president
Saturday, July 21, 2012
it all meant something or nothing
i was gonna shave my head and leave a mohawk for the mud run i took part in today. i was gonna do something crazy to commemorate the moment cuz i'm proud. i'm proud i did something that's tough, physical, and exercise-ish for recreation. it's an official landmark for me. even though i've been running now for a few years, i never competed in anything official-ish. and i never did anything that left me tired, scarred, and extremely muddy.
the mud run was this big thing for me. it was this form of self validation i saw in the horizon and every day it got closer and closer till today it was here. i have been doing all this running and exercising for the past few years, trying to live a healthier lifestyle, and finally i would do something that officially proves there was some kinda payoff. without the exercise, the running, the effort, the pain...i would've never been able to do what i did today.
but i'm glad i decided against the mohawk. cuz the mud run's over now and here i am, same as before, except for the scars, bruises and bumps. life goes on. it always does. and as extraordinary as this moment felt for me, and as important as i made it to myself, i realize that in the long run, today is just another day like any other day. no mohawk or crazy action of any kind could ever freeze the moment and make it last forever. this weekend will end like all the rest. monday it's back to the grind. i'll be office worker bee josh, as if the mud run never happened at all.
as big a deal as anything can be, life will always move on. the moments are epic and should be enjoyed. and while you're at it, take a picture and put it up on facebook. but then after that it's time to think of what's next. that's life. one thing to the next thing to the next thing... never a moment to slow down. always plot out the next step.
for me, i suppose i'll do another mud run again somewhere down the line. this will just be the first of many hopefully. in the immediate future, i'm thinking of waking up tomorrow and going for a good, lengthy run. i'll do as i've been doing. i'll do the same things that helped lead me to completing a 5k mud run obstacle course today.
life just keeps moving. on thursday i was at a wake. she was 23 and now she's gone. i couldn't help but keep thinking how 23 is way too young to die. it just seemed unfair and a total robbery. but what can i do? what can anyone do? we can't freeze time. despite our best efforts, we can't turn the clock back and make it not happen. this may be the most tragic thing about us. we all have this brain to do all this big thinking, but we'll never erase the biggest thing of all... time... it just keeps moving. as broken up as i am about a friend passing away at age 23, i had to realize that life just keeps going.
just like the tragic theater massacre that happened thursday night in colorado.... it's an awful thing and when i see it on tv, i wanna make it go away. i wanna undo it. i wanna close the program without saving and open it up and start again. but that's not an option. we have to keep moving forward. it's our moral obligation to ourselves to not let ourselves get stuck and to deny ourselves of forward progress.
i haven't blogged in a few days. i've had a heavy heart and a heavy mind. i didn't know what to type to make me feel right about anything. i was guilty of being stuck. there have even been certain moments in the past 2-3 days where i've thought to myself, 'i sorta don't want to do this mud run anymore,' cuz i was just bummed about life in general.
and this isn't to say i'm not sad anymore for the tragic things that happened and will continue to happen. but that's never an excuse to lie in a corner and refuse to participate in life. this whole charade's gonna keep moving forward. you can sit on the sidelines and let everyone else play the game. but in the end all you'll be is a spectator. you may have a uniform and a vested interest, but if you're not on the field crying, sweating, and bleeding, then you're not playing at all.
the mud run was this big thing for me. it was this form of self validation i saw in the horizon and every day it got closer and closer till today it was here. i have been doing all this running and exercising for the past few years, trying to live a healthier lifestyle, and finally i would do something that officially proves there was some kinda payoff. without the exercise, the running, the effort, the pain...i would've never been able to do what i did today.
but i'm glad i decided against the mohawk. cuz the mud run's over now and here i am, same as before, except for the scars, bruises and bumps. life goes on. it always does. and as extraordinary as this moment felt for me, and as important as i made it to myself, i realize that in the long run, today is just another day like any other day. no mohawk or crazy action of any kind could ever freeze the moment and make it last forever. this weekend will end like all the rest. monday it's back to the grind. i'll be office worker bee josh, as if the mud run never happened at all.
as big a deal as anything can be, life will always move on. the moments are epic and should be enjoyed. and while you're at it, take a picture and put it up on facebook. but then after that it's time to think of what's next. that's life. one thing to the next thing to the next thing... never a moment to slow down. always plot out the next step.
for me, i suppose i'll do another mud run again somewhere down the line. this will just be the first of many hopefully. in the immediate future, i'm thinking of waking up tomorrow and going for a good, lengthy run. i'll do as i've been doing. i'll do the same things that helped lead me to completing a 5k mud run obstacle course today.
life just keeps moving. on thursday i was at a wake. she was 23 and now she's gone. i couldn't help but keep thinking how 23 is way too young to die. it just seemed unfair and a total robbery. but what can i do? what can anyone do? we can't freeze time. despite our best efforts, we can't turn the clock back and make it not happen. this may be the most tragic thing about us. we all have this brain to do all this big thinking, but we'll never erase the biggest thing of all... time... it just keeps moving. as broken up as i am about a friend passing away at age 23, i had to realize that life just keeps going.
just like the tragic theater massacre that happened thursday night in colorado.... it's an awful thing and when i see it on tv, i wanna make it go away. i wanna undo it. i wanna close the program without saving and open it up and start again. but that's not an option. we have to keep moving forward. it's our moral obligation to ourselves to not let ourselves get stuck and to deny ourselves of forward progress.
i haven't blogged in a few days. i've had a heavy heart and a heavy mind. i didn't know what to type to make me feel right about anything. i was guilty of being stuck. there have even been certain moments in the past 2-3 days where i've thought to myself, 'i sorta don't want to do this mud run anymore,' cuz i was just bummed about life in general.
and this isn't to say i'm not sad anymore for the tragic things that happened and will continue to happen. but that's never an excuse to lie in a corner and refuse to participate in life. this whole charade's gonna keep moving forward. you can sit on the sidelines and let everyone else play the game. but in the end all you'll be is a spectator. you may have a uniform and a vested interest, but if you're not on the field crying, sweating, and bleeding, then you're not playing at all.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
everybody has their own opinion.....
i've come to this immense paradox in life.... i understand that everyone has their own opinion. i get it. and most times you can't change people's opinions... oh sure, it happens, but in the course of the average day i think anyone anywhere changing their opinion on a topic is the exception, not the rule.
and i have my own idea of what right and wrong is. so anyone who does wrong qualifies that person as being wrong. and that bothers me cuz i don't like to see people do wrong. but then again, these are things you can't ever totally eliminate from society. as long as we exist, people will be out there doing the wrong thing.
and for all i know, i'm doing the wrong thing(s). i know i have already. i've learned in life and changed my views based on me doing shit i thought was right then coming to a realization that what i just did was wrong and i should never do said wrong thing again.
so now i'm wrong... even in my own eyes... but i've learned so at what point can i be right again?
and so it goes... i'm just one confused person on this issue... i can't imagine the whole rest of the world... everyone trying to sort out their own moral dilemmas and at the same time measuring up everyone else by their own standards.
at what point can you force your standards on to others? murder, rape, racism... those things are wrong... i know that.. but people do that. at what point can i get on a soapbox and say, 'hey, don't do that.'
and for all the minor things we can disagree on... at what point are we allowed to tell each other what to think and do? at what point is telling other people how to think also the wrong thing to do? you can't just force your views onto other people... that's fascist in principle.
and even though you know others may be wrong, is it ever right to condemn someone for thinking wrongly? shouldn't we be more open to forgiving one another and helping each other grow?
but we're all offended by something... we all have our limits.
i don't know how to wrap this up. i guess my best conclusion at this point is that all anyone can do is try to do right by them and hope that they keep doing right... and hope that's good enough. hopefully the fruits of our actions will be more than enough to help spread what's right and help replace what's wrong.
maybe the right thing for everyone to do is shut up and let our actions do the talking. but how do i communicate that to anyone without being rude?
Monday, July 16, 2012
aunt mary's punk rock song
i recently just got back from visiting my dad's family in the buffalo, ny area. my dad has a sister, my aunt mary, who's pretty cool. at first glance, she probably seems boring or square or unhip i guess.... she's an older, graying woman who likes to sew (or knit or crochet or one of those artsy things....). and she's quite possibly the most polite person on the planet. so why a punk rock song? she's no punk rocker in the classical sense, but then again to define punk rock is to defeat punk rock... so she'd say things here or there like, "we're gonna go do this ('this' being any of the number of family activities we tried to organize that seemed to divide the family) and if the rest of the family doesn't wanna join us, then that's just fine with us, we're gonna go do it anyways." and in its purity, i find that to be a pretty punk rock attitude.
so i figured i'd throw a few lines together and call it 'aunt mary's punk rock song.' it's not really meant to be a song or punk rock... it's just me trying to explain her punk rockness in amateurishly poetic fashion.
she's growing old, living on her own.
somewhere on the outskirts of buffalo.
she's gonna do what she wants,
she doesn't hold back.
but she'll invite you to come along
cuz polite people kick ass.
she's straight edge to the core
she doesn't need beer.
she's got a timeshare in hawaii,
goes there every two years.
she's gonna hike along the river
in a funny looking hat.
it blocks out the sun,
you can't fuck with that.
she's got a cooler full of water
as we're driving to the falls.
we walked ourselves exhausted,
she was the last one standing tall.
the rest of the family
is afraid of new york city.
but she once came to visit.
the others are still scared silly.
she's got the underground music
that you never heard before.
it's a musical about menopause,
menopausal hardcore.
she seems misunderstood
as she yells at my dad.
he's giving her a hard time,
she's giving it right back.
you can judge aunt mary,
but you should judge yourself.
cuz she's playing from the heart
while your heart is somewhere else.
so i figured i'd throw a few lines together and call it 'aunt mary's punk rock song.' it's not really meant to be a song or punk rock... it's just me trying to explain her punk rockness in amateurishly poetic fashion.
she's growing old, living on her own.
somewhere on the outskirts of buffalo.
she's gonna do what she wants,
she doesn't hold back.
but she'll invite you to come along
cuz polite people kick ass.
she's straight edge to the core
she doesn't need beer.
she's got a timeshare in hawaii,
goes there every two years.
she's gonna hike along the river
in a funny looking hat.
it blocks out the sun,
you can't fuck with that.
she's got a cooler full of water
as we're driving to the falls.
we walked ourselves exhausted,
she was the last one standing tall.
the rest of the family
is afraid of new york city.
but she once came to visit.
the others are still scared silly.
she's got the underground music
that you never heard before.
it's a musical about menopause,
menopausal hardcore.
she seems misunderstood
as she yells at my dad.
he's giving her a hard time,
she's giving it right back.
you can judge aunt mary,
but you should judge yourself.
cuz she's playing from the heart
while your heart is somewhere else.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
a question of gym etiquette (am i an asshole or just really shy?)
about three times a week i run into the same chick at the gym at my job. i don't know her, she works for one of the other companies in the building. but apparently we have a similar lunch schedule that allows us to do the gym thing at about 2pm. i know nothing at all about her but yet i see her many times a week and many times we're the only two in the gym. she's usually on an elliptical machine that's only about 10-15 ft away from me while i'm on a treadmill.
so there's this slight awkwardness (self imposed, totally not blaming her) i feel sometimes because i find it odd that we'll be the only two in the whole gym and yet we never say a word to each other. and it's probably due to my lack of experience when it comes to gyms, cuz i only started using the gym a couple years ago and until this chick from a different company came along, i was almost always by myself from 2pm-3pm in the gym (which is kinda nice, especially if you listen to punk rock while exercising and like to scream lyrics at the top of your lungs).
we've gotten this far without talking... i'd say it's been a few months now since she started coming around. and usually we get by cuz i'll have my earbuds in. at first she was a tv watcher. so i'd listen to my music totally lost in my own world and she'd watch whatever and it'd make no difference to me cuz i can't hear the tv over my music.
then she recently changed up her style. she started coming in with earbuds. so the two of us would be in the gym and to anyone else it'd seem like two people exercising in silence, but not to us. we were both lost in our own separate worlds.
just the other day i walked into the gym and she was already there. she had switched up her style once more. now she's listening to music on her phone without earbuds. so i can clearly hear what she's listening to. this sort of thing usually wouldn't make any kind of difference since i rock earbuds anyways. but on this one day i had left my earbuds upstairs in my office, and i was already changed and ready to go by the time i realized so i figured i'd just exercise as is.
so i hit the treadmill and she's on that same elliptical machine. and for the first time we talk. it was brief. she looks over at me and says to me politely, "hey, do you want me to put my ear buds in?"
i didn't wanna be an ass. she was nice enough to offer and i was gonna be nice enough not to fuck up her routine. so i told her, "no, that's okay. i'll be fine. i can adapt."
now as soon as i said the words, "i can adapt," i felt like an asshole. i just felt like it was a really stupid thing to say. i could've just left it at, "no, that's okay." and i guess i'm guilty of over thinking this one, but i just felt like an ass at that moment. and when i think back on it, i still feel like an ass.
and as soon as i replied to her, we both went back to silence. for about the next 20 minutes we exercised to the sounds of the music coming out of her phone (she seems to be a fan of radio friendly country music).
here's my real issue. i don't know gym etiquette. i probably should've said, "hey," or given her some kinda simple greeting a long time ago. what's the harm in it? but i'm kinda shy and i also don't wanna come across as some creep. cuz there's also a part of me that thinks everyone just wants to be left alone in the gym so i should understand that and let her, or anyone else in the gym, be.
i can't help but wonder what she thinks. i hope she doesn't think i'm some kind of asshole. but i'll never know. these are things i can't bring up. i can't walk into the gym on monday and say, "hey, do you think i'm an asshole?" we just don't have that kinda communication going on.
Friday, July 13, 2012
2 universal truths (this is sorta about joe paterno but it also isn't)
first universal truth:
fuck celebrity worship
give it a rest. let it go. people you don't know personally are not worthy of your worship. you shouldn't love or adore anyone who can't love or adore you back. you definitely shouldn't admire or look up to individuals whom you have no access to behind closed doors. awesome movies, songs, tv shows, and sports teams are not enough on their own to make a person wholly who they are.
before this all went down, not a negative word was ever spoken about joe paterno anywhere (except that maybe he was too old and out of touch to coach). before this whole penn state scandal broke out, joe paterno was considered some universal measuring stick for class and sportsmanship and all around decency in college sports. but that's only because people knew what they saw on tv. he was the old dude who said he cared more about students' futures than championships. he had work ethic and determination. to many, he was considered the best coach in all of ncaa football history.
but once we got to see what was going on beyond the curtain, beyond the football field, things appeared clearer and uglier and way more gruesome than anyone could have probably imagined. joe paterno is a hero no more. he's the exact opposite. he's openly vilified and disliked... and with great reason. covering up a child sex abuse scandal is awful. and suddenly the character that is joe paterno has been given a whole new depth and no one admires him anymore.
this is why we shouldn't put our admiration into those we don't fully know. people you know only through tv and other forms of media are not your friends or family or heroes. we have plenty of people that can fill those roles in our actual, reach out and touch someone, lives. drop the celebrity worship. go out and love and admire the people in your lives. it's more enriching and real. and you'll probably have a better grasp of who these people are deep down inside... which in turn should lessen the chances of them disappointing you in the end.
second universal truth:
fuck ANYBODY who covers up a sex scandal, especially one that involves children.
fuck celebrity worship
give it a rest. let it go. people you don't know personally are not worthy of your worship. you shouldn't love or adore anyone who can't love or adore you back. you definitely shouldn't admire or look up to individuals whom you have no access to behind closed doors. awesome movies, songs, tv shows, and sports teams are not enough on their own to make a person wholly who they are.
before this all went down, not a negative word was ever spoken about joe paterno anywhere (except that maybe he was too old and out of touch to coach). before this whole penn state scandal broke out, joe paterno was considered some universal measuring stick for class and sportsmanship and all around decency in college sports. but that's only because people knew what they saw on tv. he was the old dude who said he cared more about students' futures than championships. he had work ethic and determination. to many, he was considered the best coach in all of ncaa football history.
but once we got to see what was going on beyond the curtain, beyond the football field, things appeared clearer and uglier and way more gruesome than anyone could have probably imagined. joe paterno is a hero no more. he's the exact opposite. he's openly vilified and disliked... and with great reason. covering up a child sex abuse scandal is awful. and suddenly the character that is joe paterno has been given a whole new depth and no one admires him anymore.
this is why we shouldn't put our admiration into those we don't fully know. people you know only through tv and other forms of media are not your friends or family or heroes. we have plenty of people that can fill those roles in our actual, reach out and touch someone, lives. drop the celebrity worship. go out and love and admire the people in your lives. it's more enriching and real. and you'll probably have a better grasp of who these people are deep down inside... which in turn should lessen the chances of them disappointing you in the end.
second universal truth:
fuck ANYBODY who covers up a sex scandal, especially one that involves children.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
daniel tosh, rape jokes, and why everybody's wrong
i'm wrong cuz i can't take shit serious for too long. we can talk about and debate this whole daniel tosh/rape joke controversy till we're all blue in the face. i'd almost prefer if we didn't though. i have a bad habit of not taking things as serious once the discussion's been tossed around to no end. i don't even know why people discuss it anymore. everyone steps up to the table with their opinion, says it, and nothing ever changes. no one has a change of mind or heart. i'm guilty of this as well.
daniel tosh is wrong for saying the words, "you know what would be funny? if like, five guys gang raped you right now (quick paraphrase cuz yes, i am too lazy to google the exact quote)." he said this in response to a "heckler" who blurted out, "rape jokes aren't funny," while he was telling rape jokes. the only problem i have with tosh on this one is the choice of words he used to bring the heckler down. i don't think tosh really wanted to see her get gang raped. but i can imagine if i was in the crowd, i'd probably cringe as the words came out of his mouth. that's me personally. but other than that, i support a comic's right to go after hecklers. cuz fuck hecklers.... the comic is the one on the stage performing, not you.
the heckler is wrong for heckling. if you don't like the material then get up and leave. go use the bathroom and come back. ignore it. don't blurt something out. comics hate that sorta thing and tend to be harsh no matter how rational you might think you sound at the moment.
people who say you shouldn't joke about rape are wrong. i don't believe in putting a limitation on things you can joke about. and in many ways, i think comedy's a great weapon to be used against the things we hate. y'know, things like hitler, religion, penn state, your ex-girlfriend, and rape. most times i think a comedian is anti-whatever the subject of the joke is. i definitely don't think daniel tosh is pro-rape.
people who can't understand why daniel tosh offends people (in this situation and well before) are also wrong. i totally support the right and freedom of people to be able to say whatever they want. i don't think we should have any limitations on speech, especially in a comedy club environment. that being said, i also believe in everyone's right to be offended and not like something someone else said and verbalize it. let's not insult our own intelligence and pretend we can't see why what he said that night wouldn't offend a ton of people.
so boom, there it is, everyone's wrong. so let's all hug this shit out and start again.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
c'mon god, i dare you
right now people are freaking the fuck out all around me. in the town of west new york, nj, which is the next town over (towns here are pretty small though, so it's all the same hood), there is a tree with some sorta carving in it that somehow makes it look like the virgin mary. so boom, pandemonium has struck. people are going nuts and clamoring around it and crowding the area to see it.
i got no beef with anyone who gets any sort of joy or fulfillment out of this. we all got our own thing going on and if that suits you, cool. but i'm not ready to stand in line and wait my turn to behold this as some sign or miracle. this isn't a miracle. i know miracles. most miracles are thoughts that never materialize but in my mind i wish they did.
this isn't a miracle. right now i have a friend on life support. her situation is bad. we're not the tightest of friends... she's more like a good friend of good friends of mine. i've talked to her a few times and she's come out to open mics and i've seen her at shows and such. she seems like a nice person... she's polite, smiles, likes to hang out and sing karaoke. also, she's 23. she's got so much more to give the world. and right now she's fighting for her life in a hospital and doctors are saying the outlook isn't good.
miracles? c'mon god, give us your miracle. am i supposed to buy this bullshit on a tree? a family, a circle of friends waits for you to deliver. you wanna give us a sign? you wanna prove your might? i dare you god. i dare you to do more than put carvings into trees. that isn't enough. that doesn't remove hurt. that doesn't heal pain.
i'm not mad about the tree and i'm not mad about the people who clamor to it. but i refuse to acknowledge it as a miracle. i know a miracle. i just haven't seen it yet.
i got no beef with anyone who gets any sort of joy or fulfillment out of this. we all got our own thing going on and if that suits you, cool. but i'm not ready to stand in line and wait my turn to behold this as some sign or miracle. this isn't a miracle. i know miracles. most miracles are thoughts that never materialize but in my mind i wish they did.
this isn't a miracle. right now i have a friend on life support. her situation is bad. we're not the tightest of friends... she's more like a good friend of good friends of mine. i've talked to her a few times and she's come out to open mics and i've seen her at shows and such. she seems like a nice person... she's polite, smiles, likes to hang out and sing karaoke. also, she's 23. she's got so much more to give the world. and right now she's fighting for her life in a hospital and doctors are saying the outlook isn't good.
miracles? c'mon god, give us your miracle. am i supposed to buy this bullshit on a tree? a family, a circle of friends waits for you to deliver. you wanna give us a sign? you wanna prove your might? i dare you god. i dare you to do more than put carvings into trees. that isn't enough. that doesn't remove hurt. that doesn't heal pain.
i'm not mad about the tree and i'm not mad about the people who clamor to it. but i refuse to acknowledge it as a miracle. i know a miracle. i just haven't seen it yet.
Monday, July 9, 2012
it was all no big deal
i just got back from visiting family in the buffalo area (north tonawanda to be exact, which is a small town right outside of buffalo, ny). it was my dad's family and i ended up spending four nights there at my uncle's house. it was cool and different and odd and completely normal all at once.
a younger me would've made a big deal out of this trip. i'd let resentment that i no longer carry drive me to go up there and see it as either some holy crusade to prove to the world that i turned out alright despite a lack of assistance from my dad or as some overblown 'us vs. them' situation. i'd play the role of the likable underdog and the family would be the ever tyrannical 'them.'
but that would be stupid. shit happens in life... crazy shit... sometimes shit that doesn't make life any easier. but there's no use in me crying about it and using it as some lifelong excuse to hold resentment. i'd be doing myself a disservice to allow unhappiness to grow inside of me and blame it on a group of people who don't feel responsible.
there's always opportunities to learn and grow in life. i'm starting to learn that i'm wholly responsible for my own well being and contentment in life. the worst thing i could do is continue to live a life where i allow myself to be miserable but convince myself that's okay cuz i'm not to blame. there is no credible rationalization in all of existence that validates misery.
as a child, i let the divorce of my parents affect me a lot. but in hindsight, what were my parents supposed to do? stay together and be miserable? they made the decision that was right by them... and all these years later it's seemed to work out well for all parties involved (though i am extremely guilty of caring a whole lot less about my father's situation than my mom's. momma's boy for life, son... damn proud).
so this trip, i just let it be a trip without expectations. just go up there and see what happens. and nothing bad happened. i got to know people better. i laughed. i joked. i conversed. sometimes i was bored and annoyed. sometimes i was thrilled and enjoying myself. we ate a lot, we partied a lot. i saw some sights. and when it was all over, i went home. there was no big lesson learned, no philosophical realization attained.
a younger me would've made a big deal out of this trip. i'd let resentment that i no longer carry drive me to go up there and see it as either some holy crusade to prove to the world that i turned out alright despite a lack of assistance from my dad or as some overblown 'us vs. them' situation. i'd play the role of the likable underdog and the family would be the ever tyrannical 'them.'
but that would be stupid. shit happens in life... crazy shit... sometimes shit that doesn't make life any easier. but there's no use in me crying about it and using it as some lifelong excuse to hold resentment. i'd be doing myself a disservice to allow unhappiness to grow inside of me and blame it on a group of people who don't feel responsible.
there's always opportunities to learn and grow in life. i'm starting to learn that i'm wholly responsible for my own well being and contentment in life. the worst thing i could do is continue to live a life where i allow myself to be miserable but convince myself that's okay cuz i'm not to blame. there is no credible rationalization in all of existence that validates misery.
as a child, i let the divorce of my parents affect me a lot. but in hindsight, what were my parents supposed to do? stay together and be miserable? they made the decision that was right by them... and all these years later it's seemed to work out well for all parties involved (though i am extremely guilty of caring a whole lot less about my father's situation than my mom's. momma's boy for life, son... damn proud).
so this trip, i just let it be a trip without expectations. just go up there and see what happens. and nothing bad happened. i got to know people better. i laughed. i joked. i conversed. sometimes i was bored and annoyed. sometimes i was thrilled and enjoying myself. we ate a lot, we partied a lot. i saw some sights. and when it was all over, i went home. there was no big lesson learned, no philosophical realization attained.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
there is an ocean in my soul where the waters do not curve
lately i've been beating myself up bad. a few things triggered this and i could point blame elsewhere, but i shouldn't cuz it's my own fault for letting certain things affect me.
i've been beating myself up over things i've done in the past, the recent past at that. bad things. things i'm not proud of. and i keep letting these things circulate in my mind and all it does is leave me feeling sad... sad cuz i can't right wrongs and fix mistakes that were made.... sad cuz i'm forced to let things be as they are, damaged by me, at my hands.
and just when i feel like i'm about to rebound from these things... just when i feel like i can get over the hump, that i can rise and work on bettering things by focusing on now and tomorrow and not on a past that's already set in stone, i'll think of how i feel about other people who've done bad things that i don't wanna let them slide on. and then i'll think that if i was anyone else and i saw me and what i've done in the past, i certainly wouldn't let me slide.
but i can't worry about that. it's a trap that's holding me back. i can feel bad for things i've done wrong, but i can't let them take hold of me and stop me from doing right in the future. if people are going to judge me on shit that's in my past, there is absolutely nothing i can do to prevent that. i can only keep on with the keeping on. i can only focus on doing what i think is right in my heart.
the most important thing here is i can't let shit that i fucked up on drive me down a path where i'm constantly fucking more shit up. all i can focus on is the path ahead. i can't seek or expect forgiveness from anyone.... except myself.
the other thing that is fucking me up is so stupid and trivial that i feel stupid even typing it out into a physical format that can be read. but i feel like i have no choice cuz it's bothered me immensely and i just need to get it out there. recently a lot of people have been saying that i'm getting skinny. i've also been told that i'm getting 'too skinny' and 'looking sickly.' the first time i heard something like this, it didn't bother me at all. i know why i'm skinny. i run like a motherfucker. and i'm damn proud of it. i've never felt healthier or better in my adult life.
but it started to weigh on me. as more people made the observation, i started to doubt myself. am i healthy? maybe i am too skinny? what the fuck should i do? i don't wanna look sickly.
but i don't feel sickly. i feel great. besides the fact that i went to a doctor in march (first time i've been to a doctor in years), and got back a clean bill of health, i feel like i can run circles around any fucker who thinks i'm sickly looking. i think i can run them into the ground till they're out of breath, heaving, cramping, and in pain. i know what i'm capable of. i can run 10 miles without stopping, without feeling awful... finishing off a 10 mile run, going home, washing up, and still able to spend a night out with friends. i've run 10k's hours before rock concerts and raucous birthday parties. and i've woken up the next day ready to run again.
the other day i worked an 8 hour shift, ran 4 miles for lunch, and then helped a friend move. i didn't know he was moving till right before my shift ended. i didn't want to run 4 miles AND help someone move in the same day... but i did it. and then i went home, went to sleep, woke up for work and ran another 4 miles for lunch the next day.
sickly? how the fuck can i be sickly? do sickly people do this? are these characteristics of sickly people? i got so mad at myself for letting this bother me. fuck you for mocking my skinniness, but fuck me more for letting it bother me.
and where was all the concern when i was an unhealthy sloth? when i had a protruding beer belly? when i was eating fast food and drunk constantly and no one gave a shit then. that was a dude who needed mocking. that was a dude who needed shame. he finally woke up and shamed himself. you should've seen him the first time he tried to run around the lake by his house. couldn't make one full lap. that was one sickly looking motherfucker.
so as i put it all together, i realize that a lot of my inner strife is created by my own worries of what other people outside of me think of me. but i can't be that dude anymore. i gotta know in my own heart, mind, and soul that i'm doing right by me. i usually wanna be "nice" with others and sometimes i'm willing to sacrifice some of myself to keep things "nice." but that's no way to live. fuck, nice guys do finish last. not that it's bad to be nice... nice has it's place and time... but so does "fuck you." and if i'm doing right by me, and i'm feeling good about life, and someone outside of me has an issue with that, it's time to put some of the "nice" away and grab some "fuck you" real quick.
and i feel this whole post is properly timed as tomorrow i fly to buffalo to visit my dad's family... a collection of people i don't see a whole lot. and while i don't expect it to be a total judge-fest, i don't assume it'll be without judgement altogether either. but it's a great time to remember that if i feel okay inside, and i'm totally cool with my life and who i am, then that's something that's too awesome to let others fuck up for me.
(the title of this post is a lyric from a song by against me!)
i've been beating myself up over things i've done in the past, the recent past at that. bad things. things i'm not proud of. and i keep letting these things circulate in my mind and all it does is leave me feeling sad... sad cuz i can't right wrongs and fix mistakes that were made.... sad cuz i'm forced to let things be as they are, damaged by me, at my hands.
and just when i feel like i'm about to rebound from these things... just when i feel like i can get over the hump, that i can rise and work on bettering things by focusing on now and tomorrow and not on a past that's already set in stone, i'll think of how i feel about other people who've done bad things that i don't wanna let them slide on. and then i'll think that if i was anyone else and i saw me and what i've done in the past, i certainly wouldn't let me slide.
but i can't worry about that. it's a trap that's holding me back. i can feel bad for things i've done wrong, but i can't let them take hold of me and stop me from doing right in the future. if people are going to judge me on shit that's in my past, there is absolutely nothing i can do to prevent that. i can only keep on with the keeping on. i can only focus on doing what i think is right in my heart.
the most important thing here is i can't let shit that i fucked up on drive me down a path where i'm constantly fucking more shit up. all i can focus on is the path ahead. i can't seek or expect forgiveness from anyone.... except myself.
the other thing that is fucking me up is so stupid and trivial that i feel stupid even typing it out into a physical format that can be read. but i feel like i have no choice cuz it's bothered me immensely and i just need to get it out there. recently a lot of people have been saying that i'm getting skinny. i've also been told that i'm getting 'too skinny' and 'looking sickly.' the first time i heard something like this, it didn't bother me at all. i know why i'm skinny. i run like a motherfucker. and i'm damn proud of it. i've never felt healthier or better in my adult life.
but it started to weigh on me. as more people made the observation, i started to doubt myself. am i healthy? maybe i am too skinny? what the fuck should i do? i don't wanna look sickly.
but i don't feel sickly. i feel great. besides the fact that i went to a doctor in march (first time i've been to a doctor in years), and got back a clean bill of health, i feel like i can run circles around any fucker who thinks i'm sickly looking. i think i can run them into the ground till they're out of breath, heaving, cramping, and in pain. i know what i'm capable of. i can run 10 miles without stopping, without feeling awful... finishing off a 10 mile run, going home, washing up, and still able to spend a night out with friends. i've run 10k's hours before rock concerts and raucous birthday parties. and i've woken up the next day ready to run again.
the other day i worked an 8 hour shift, ran 4 miles for lunch, and then helped a friend move. i didn't know he was moving till right before my shift ended. i didn't want to run 4 miles AND help someone move in the same day... but i did it. and then i went home, went to sleep, woke up for work and ran another 4 miles for lunch the next day.
sickly? how the fuck can i be sickly? do sickly people do this? are these characteristics of sickly people? i got so mad at myself for letting this bother me. fuck you for mocking my skinniness, but fuck me more for letting it bother me.
and where was all the concern when i was an unhealthy sloth? when i had a protruding beer belly? when i was eating fast food and drunk constantly and no one gave a shit then. that was a dude who needed mocking. that was a dude who needed shame. he finally woke up and shamed himself. you should've seen him the first time he tried to run around the lake by his house. couldn't make one full lap. that was one sickly looking motherfucker.
so as i put it all together, i realize that a lot of my inner strife is created by my own worries of what other people outside of me think of me. but i can't be that dude anymore. i gotta know in my own heart, mind, and soul that i'm doing right by me. i usually wanna be "nice" with others and sometimes i'm willing to sacrifice some of myself to keep things "nice." but that's no way to live. fuck, nice guys do finish last. not that it's bad to be nice... nice has it's place and time... but so does "fuck you." and if i'm doing right by me, and i'm feeling good about life, and someone outside of me has an issue with that, it's time to put some of the "nice" away and grab some "fuck you" real quick.
and i feel this whole post is properly timed as tomorrow i fly to buffalo to visit my dad's family... a collection of people i don't see a whole lot. and while i don't expect it to be a total judge-fest, i don't assume it'll be without judgement altogether either. but it's a great time to remember that if i feel okay inside, and i'm totally cool with my life and who i am, then that's something that's too awesome to let others fuck up for me.
(the title of this post is a lyric from a song by against me!)
Monday, July 2, 2012
anderson cooper
news broke today that cnn news extraordinaire anderson cooper has confirmed that he is gay. and that's great. i think everyone should be proud of who they are, whatever that may entail. and i hope it brings all sorts of needed awareness that the world needs when it comes to how society as a whole views the gay community.
on a personal level, it's no big deal to me. anderson cooper is the same person he's always been. this doesn't change anything at all. i read the headline and the way my brain interprets it reads as, 'breaking news, anderson cooper confirms he is himself.' i'm waiting on a world where this isn't a story and this doesn't take up space on any news network's website or tv programming. people saying they're gay are people just saying they're themselves and they don't care who knows it. and that's beautiful.
it's so beautiful that i wish it was the standard and not the exception. and i mean that in the broadest of terms, it doesn't start and end with the gay community alone. everyone needs to know who they are, love who they are, and be proud. let it shine.
if there's anything you're doing, anything you're into, anything that defines you, and all it's doing is making you happy and not hurting anyone else, then who cares who it bothers? anyone who is bothered by anything of this nature is clearly dealing with their own internal issues.
i know i'm not perfect at being the spokesperson for loving yourself and being proud of who you are. no one's perfect at this. but we should all take a page out of anderson cooper's playbook and be proud, comfortable, and happy with who we are.
and anyone who can in good conscience stand against that has their own severe internal problems to deal with. anyone who takes issue or offense with anything that makes you the awesome, beautiful human being you are probably has the biggest lesson to learn from anderson cooper today.
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