i see zombies everywhere

smart phones. social networks. ipods. acronyms. slacktivism. memes. do you have a facebook? i want to eat your face. i want to consume you but only as a profile, as a collection of data and posts. get to know you? i know you because i know your profile. human interaction? no thanks. can't hold the door open. don't have the time or the free arm. i have one hand in my pocket waiting for my cell phone to vibrate while my other hand is grasped firmly around a red bull. i'm exhausted. keep going. keep consuming. i'll sleep when i'm dead. sleep. sleep. sleep. people need to sleep. but i'm people. i don't sleep. what am i? a fantasy sports team general manager. a farmer. a retweeter looking for a retweet. i comment on youtube. didn't you see me? i'm there. i'm on the internet. it's proof i'm real. phone calls? i can't. i don't want to talk to people that intimately. the only time i like the phone is when i'm calling customer service and i know i'm talking to someone who gets paid to be yelled at. and then i talk. and then i yell. and then i scream. and then i'm alive. i hate the automated systems these customer service lines implement. i don't want to talk to a machine. i want to talk to a person who plays the role of a machine. i order my pizza online and track it on facebook for all of you to see. meat lover, yes i am. there's the proof, the 'i am.' that's me. didn't you see my check in? i'm the mayor. sure, sure, i bet you love to go there all the time, but no one loves that place more than me. it says so online. and they said love couldn't be quantified or measured. i love my girlfriend. i changed my status so you would know. cuz sometimes saying 'i love you' to her face just doesn't cut it for me. i need the validation of a machine, of a network, of something that has no soul. what am i? a soul in a body? a profile page? i get so many hits on my website. my tumblr's all the rage. i invented a new acronym. people i'll never meet will use it and never thank me for it. i won't die. we don't die. we live on. we're here, forever. proof. the imminent death of the sun can't undo my wireless internet presence. so please, don't bother me. i'm watching reality tv. it comforts me. it's proof that reality is real. if reality wasn't real, it wouldn't be on my tv... duh. i wouldn't be able to dvr it and watch it later... duh. we wouldn't be talking about it the next day in my internet fan club that i administrate... duh. god isn't dead, he's a clever twitter account that cracks fart jokes. he gave me a 'follow friday' shout out. who needs hugs? or attention spans? just give me the drugs, the pills. a pill for every ill. plugged in and medicated. stuck to a charger, i can't stray for not much more than a few hours. i bring my cell phone with me when i shower. i'm not blind. i see the horror and the violence. i also see youtube videos of puppies and infants and baby ducklings.... double rainbow... what does it mean? don't ask me. don't even try it. i have headphones on, that means do not disturb. no time for strangers or any strange words. if you really liked me, you'd repost my stuff. emotional needs? reposts are enough.