the mellowing of a monster (new year's eve)

new year's eve used to be a bigger deal... at least to me personally. i used to always hype it up as this night that i had to go out and party hard... harder than most other partying i would usually do. i always got caught up in the hype and i used to always look for a reason (or maybe 'excuse' would be a better word) to booze it up and have a good time. some years i was very successful in achieving this goal. other years, i may have tried a little too hard and fallen short and had less fun than i would've liked to have.

now i'm 33 and it's december 30th and i just don't seem to care as much as i used to. there's a part of me that wants to do some sort of socializing... but it feels awfully obligatory. like, i only wanna party cuz i know that's what a lot of other people i know will be doing. but if we all decided to stay home and watch, 'the honeymooners,' i'd probably be fine with that. 

i no longer feel the need for december 31st to be the biggest party night of the year. i look back on 2012, and i realize i've had some awesome times. i figure i have no chance of topping many of those nights just because this is supposed to be the night we bring in a new year.

and there's been better reasons to have a good time. there's been weddings and friend's birthdays and great concerts. i've traveled and partied in other cities. i've gone to bbq's in awesome summer weather that make me wonder why anyone would want to bundle up and stand outside in times square all night. 

putting that all in perspective, it's hard for me not to find new year's eve to be overrated. will i still end up doing something? most likely. will i be depressed if i end up staying in? no. i've had a pretty awesome (and at times, challenging) year to reflect on. 2012 is going to end very soon and there's not much more i can squeeze into this year that's gonna change the results. 

i'm not a total humbug about it either. i still hold out hope that new year's eve will be a fun night but it's sorta like the volume's been turned down. it used to be loud and impossible to ignore. now it's played at a reasonable level and i don't see a reason to turn it up much louder than it already is cuz nowadays i like music at a conversational level anyways. 

congratulations avery johnson

avery johnson, now former coach of the brooklyn nets, was fired today. i usually feel bad when i hear about someone getting fired from any job. that sucks. there goes so-and-so's livelihood. i start to wonder how much more challenging their life will be now that they don't have the security of a steady pay schedule to get them by. but avery johnson, like any other nba, nfl, nhl, or mlb coach, was fired from a job that paid in millions. if he's not a total moron (i'm almost certain he's not), he's gonna be alright.

being a working schmo myself, i find that there's a certain kind of liberation in being fired. it's even liberating to just think about it happening. all of the sudden i'm consumed by this idea that now that i have all the free time i need, i can really start living. but those all so intoxicating feelings of liberation usually go away the moment i think about rent, food, bills, and the countless other aspects of my life that cost money.

but coaches in pro sports have it different. most of them have the security of millions of dollars in the bank. i almost have a hard time seeing the punishment in being fired at that point. it's a stressful job. you're always getting shit from your bosses and the fans and the media and the entire internet. the hours are long. the travel sucks. you never see your family or friends. in the nba, the coaches even have to adhere to a semi-strict dress code. what a bummer. wanna really punish a coach? make them finish the season coaching a losing team. if you find yourself coaching a losing team mid season, i have reason to believe being fired and taking some of that money you have saved up to go get away somewhere is a lot more welcoming than the idea of a road trip to detroit to play the pistons.

and beyond that, most ex-coaches find many options for soft landing. there's a ridiculous amount of broadcasting jobs thrown at ex-coaches. they can get paid to be speakers or teachers. most of them are able to take a year off and go coach again. they have it made. i'm pretty much beyond convincing that there's anything bad at all about being fired as a coach of a pro sports team. what a luxury it must be to be bad at your job on a national stage and still end up living a great life filled with opportunity and money.

so to coach avery johnson, i say, congratulations! now go get lost. there's a warm beach with fruity drinks with umbrellas in them calling your name. who needs the nba anyways?

armageddon inc.

12/21/12 has come and gone. it was supposed to be the big day that, supposedly foretold to us by the mayans, everything we knew came to an end.... armageddon if you will. and as the days drew closer, it became more and more evident that no one actually believed this was gonna be the end. so how did the whole thing become so mainstream and so well known?

armageddon is big business. the great thing about prophecies of the end of the world is that you don't have to be a believer to enjoy them. i'm not sure how this all got started, but i'm willing to bet that in the beginning, someone made a dollar off of it. there were documentaries and books galore. the history channel damn near turned into the 12/21/12 channel.

and who doesn't love talking about the end of the world? though i don't think anyone i ever talked to fully believed in it, i did know a lot of people who loved to talk about it. oh the possibilities! will we be hit by a meteor? will it be some sorta rogue planet coming out of nowhere and fucking up our orbit? maybe it'll be nuclear war or some out of control, global earthquake. people don't need to believe in this sorta stuff to talk about it. there's something endearing in conversing about impending doom that is totally out of our hands.

i'm sure a lot of people had a lot of fun with it. i'm damn certain a lot of people made a lot of money off of it. and i'm pretty sure anyone who did make money off of it are in their labs right now scheming on the next prophesied armageddon. and when they come back trying to sell us books, movies, and merchandise, will we hold them to their past failures? of course not. we'll be here waiting.... ready and willing to indulge ourselves in the next wild wave of apocalypse frenzy. cuz what it all really comes down to is that there's something sexy about impending doom and we just can't get enough of it.

somewhere between tragedy and gratitude

so my blog output's been a bit slow lately. and i'm not exactly sure why.... feels like it started in november. just stopped thinking about enough stuff to ramble on about. got lazy. then december came along and i've been trying to go out more and have fun cuz this is my birthday month (i just turned 33 this past sunday, the 16th) and i should just say, "fuck it," and make the whole month a celebration of sorts. i don't know if that makes me vain. i just like finding reasons to celebrate so i'm usually easily convinced into going out and doing social type activities (especially things that involve live music and dive bars). i never meant to sacrifice my writing output for the sake of this plan... it just sorta played out that way.

and then the awful tragedy in newtown, connecticut happened. and that was a fucking colossal bummer... maybe one of the biggest bummers ever (i feel like the word 'bummer' downplays it and i apologize. not my intent. it's all i got right now). i found myself distraught, disgusted, and saddened. i know it's been discussed over and over and i'm certainly not the first to say this... but what kinda sick fuck shoots a bunch of little kids? ugh. i'm still horribly disturbed. i mean, what can you say? that's how i felt about it anyways. there's nothing i can say or write or communicate that's gonna bring those kids back. and if there's nothing i can do that can accomplish that, i'm just gonna shut up and be sad about it.

even if i had some grand idea of what to say about it, i wouldn't have wanted to add to the nonstop assault of everyone else around me talking, writing, and communicating about it. it's everywhere. and it should be. but it seems like every possible opinion's already been communicated. i've got nothing to add to this convo. all i know for certain is that it's some sad shit. all i know is that as human beings, we should all be saddened and disgusted that something like this is even fathomable. something's wrong... and i don't know what it is. wish i did. i' m pretty sure humanity's just fucked.

and that's how i felt on friday. how fucked are we as a society that this is even possible? aren't we all somewhat responsible for our surroundings? don't we all have a say in how shit goes down? seems like a lot more people think that now than they did before it happened. cuz everyone's got their own idea of how to fix this shit. all i know is, i hope the good ideas overcome the bad ideas and i really can't tell you which is which. i'm simple minded.... i think everyone should just stop being a douchebag and everything would fix itself. ha. me and my idealism.

so then the weekend happens. and it's my birthday weekend and i wanna have fun. and i can't help but feel a little selfish saying that out loud... but it's the truth. i still wanna celebrate. i don't wanna let this turn into something where i totally give up on everything and say, "no more fun. we don't deserve it." and maybe we don't. but i'm still gonna try. so i partied a lot this weekend. and i had a lot of fun. and i hung out with a lot of great people. for three nights people kept me drinking, smiling, laughing, singing, dancing, being goofy, and most importantly grateful. i have so much gratitude for the people i hold near and dear in my life.

so i'm stuck somewhere between tragedy and gratitude. and the doomsday sayers are saying the big day is this friday, 12/21/12. and maybe it will all end then. and maybe we have it coming to us. i'm pretty sure it's a bunch of sensational hogwash... but if it all does end... maybe me and the people who i think are awesome can have some kinda access to a bunker. and after the shit goes down and the dust settles, maybe we'll have a chance to repopulate society and start again. and maybe, just maybe we'll all learn to live and abide by the 'don't be a douchebag' rule.

that's a stretch. gonna do my best by trying not to be a douchebag. won't you do the same?

a failed bus adventure (could've, should've, didn't)

on a bus ride home last night, at about 12:30am, i was approaching my stop. i was about three stops away actually. there weren't too many people on the bus... maybe six or seven at most... i was blissfully removed from the bus atmosphere around me by my headphones. three stops before mine, a dude sitting diagonal from me goes to get up and leave. as he's leaving he drops his cell phone. it makes a THUD sound as it hits the floor. i heard it through the music blasting.

the dude stands up and briefly looks around as if he knew the THUD was caused by him but doesn't know exactly how. after his brief evaluation, he decides to make a move for the door and leave the bus. it was at this moment that i lunged for the phone on the floor underneath his seat. my intention was to grab the phone and give it to him. with my music still blasting, i blurt out, "YO! YO! YO!" (not my most brilliant or eloquent attempt at putting words together but i had a few drinks in me and it all made sense at the moment). as i'm reaching for the phone, the dude who was sitting directly behind him takes his foot and steps on the phone and brings it towards himself. i give up on my attempt at grabbing the phone. i figured with me screaming "YO! YO! YO!" the dude would turn around before exiting the bus and grab his phone from the dude who was sitting behind him.

things didn't play out how i thought they were gonna. the dude left the bus and this all happened a lot quicker than it's taken me to describe it. he's gone and the dude who was behind him is now looking at the phone. i still have my music blasting. i turn it down and turn towards the dude with the phone and say, "hey man, do the right thing and give that to the driver."

he says, "ok."

then he puts it in his pocket and gets off at the next stop (which is one more stop before mine). i was pissed. i didn't know what to do. it all happened so quick. i had made a play for the phone to do the right thing and get it back to the dude and failed. i gave up cuz i assumed the dude behind him was of the same mind to do the right thing. but he wasn't and i felt sorta shitty about the whole thing. like if i tried harder i know i could've grabbed the phone. but i backed up instantly not thinking this other dude was out to steal a phone. if i would've gotten the phone i would've ran after the dude and gave it to him. i was only seven blocks from my apartment.

for all i know, the dude who took the phone will call the rightful owner and give it back. but i doubt it. and maybe the dude who dropped it in the first place is dumb or drunk or in some way sorta guilty of not looking after his personal belongings. and maybe i should just mind my own business and let things play out how they will. all i know is i felt crappy about it. i got off at my stop and looked back down the avenue as if i'd somehow see the dude who took the phone or the dude who it belonged to. as if i'd have the words or solution after it was already too late.

i guess the lesson here is that i should've followed through on my first instinct to grab that phone. if i would've done that, i would've been able to seal the deal myself and know that the phone was returned to its rightful owner. i could've, in my own stupid, insignificant way, played the role of a minor superhero. but instead i let some douche step on the phone and keep it for himself.

the end.

kids think my tattoos are cool

when it comes to my tattoos, i usually get the most positive feedback from kids, which is kinda awesome. when some kid catches one of my pieces and says, "cool!" i feel awesome... like a saturday morning cartoon hero or something. what's cooler than being cool to kids? being cool in the eyes of adults is boring and overrated.

it's odd cuz i don't see myself as a kid person. i don't really wanna have any of my own. and beyond high fives and letting them beat the crap out of me, i don't know how to relate to them at all. my initial assumption when around children is that they'll hate me cuz i'm just not that into them... and last i heard they love attention and i hate giving attention so it's a total mismatch from the get go. so i guess there's something about a kid thinking anything about me at all as 'cool' as some sort of small victory in life.

and even though i find myself as sorta anti-kid.... i know it's the more youthful side of me that got tattoos and wants to get more. it's definitely not the grown up, boring side of me that's worried about a world that's constantly judging me. tattoos are me putting stuff on my skin that i think is awesome and not giving a shit what the world has to say about it. it's pretty empowering stuff. and no matter how much i change in life.... if i ever become a total curmudgeon and pessimistic basket case, i'll always be able to look at the tattoos and know that at one time i was semi-daring and had fun.

kids never go up to dudes in business suits and say, "whoa, cool suit." why? cuz business suits are lame. and yet we all keep wearing them for some reason even though this is something we could all easily agree on. every time a kid calls one of my tattoos cool, it almost makes me resent the unspoken agreements we all made in this growing up business to be lame and boring and as unfun as possible. i'm almost certain that if there's nothing a kid thinks is cool about you, that you're ultimately losing in life.

or maybe i'm just overdoing it in defending my right to be an immature jackass for what is probably all of my foreseeable future... either way, i'm happy.

just another pep talk to myself

one thing i know for certain, you shouldn't pass the blame or the gratitude that is due to yourself onto other people or things. whether things are going good or bad (or for most people, a mixture of both), there is no one else who can truly be held accountable for the direction of your life besides yourself. no matter your background or your environment, no matter which village your tribe came from, we've all been given the ability to see, reflect, and realize that most of where our lives bring us is up to us.

and that especially goes for invisible forces. gods, karma, the stars and the moon.... none of this should stop you from taking control of your own path. when you fuck up, you fucked up. no one else. there's no blame to be passed. the sooner you learn to take the blame for the things you've done wrong, the sooner you can learn and possibly better yourself and move on. and when you do good, when you're getting shit done, when you're smiling and enjoying the rewards of your effort... just know that's on you. you did that. you made that possible. take a little credit before you pass it off to someone else.

when touchdowns are scored, don't point your fingers to the sky. losers never blame god in the post game speech. winners should abide by the same rule. when it's your turn to give the acceptance speech, walk up to that mic, thank yourself and quickly leave the stage. that's not a lack of humility. it's humility in its most extreme form. being able to look at yourself and realize that you actually are capable of greatness takes a shitload of humility.

and when you lose, you lose. don't look around to point blame. you knew from the get go when you signed your name up to play that this might happen. you can't assume that just signing your name will get you through this on its own. you gotta earn what you get. there's no handouts. you get the same sand everyone else gets to build castles.

the voices in my head

sometimes the people around me just won't do the trick. sometimes i'll find myself in certain moods and the actual people around me... friends, family, acquaintances, strangers.... i'm beyond their assistance. anything they might say won't help me. i have to go away from the world around me. i have to seek advice, guidance, and companionship from somewhere else. it's at those times that i plug the earphones connected to my ipod into my ears and begin to search.

it's weird cuz music isn't listening to me. there's no chance that any song or album will really know what i'm going through. it's about as selfish a transaction as there can be. the song does its thing, communicates to me with no compromise and i in return just shut the fuck up and listen. and i think this is where music comes in handy for me. i have no say in this conversation. i'm forced to give in and listen and take it in and offer no feedback whatsoever.

outside of music, there's not one actual conversation in real life where i'm not eventually looking for my turn to talk. i have a flaw in the humility department. it's not that i think i'm better than anyone... but in real life i can only suffer another person's words towards me till i want to get my say in. at length, most conversations turn into contests. am i getting my point across? are you listening to me when i speak? maybe it's selfish or maybe this is how everyone operates. i have no idea. all i know is with music, this isn't an option.

and it's music. the meshing of instruments and singing or rapping or screaming is much more powerful than words standing naked on their own (personal opinion, to each their own on this one). there's something the right song at the right time can do that nothing else in existence can do. it's too powerful to be messed with. i'm in no position to fight it. i'm lost in the music and taken to a better place. and hopefully when the music's over, i find myself still in that better place, refreshed and ready to take on the world again.