poop on my hand

This is the story about how I got poop on my hand. Hope you enjoy.

No one should ever let me sing at open mic.

So James and Chet were up there doing their thing, and people were demanding a poop song from Chet. (He’s got a slight reputation to improvise songs, good ones at that, on the spot about poop, and sometimes about drugs too).

I forget who it was, but someone told me to go up there and help out with lyrics. And this is always a bad idea…. but when I have a few drinks in me, I no longer fear such bad ideas.

So it kinda turned into a punk-ish thing so I started improvising lyrics on the spot, all about poop and pooping.

I don't think it was very good, but I called it poop-core, and I think a movement was started very accidently.

After getting off the mic, marylee told me that I should write “poop core” on my hands. I thought this was a terrific idea, so I grabbed a pen and wrote “poop” on my left hand. I never did write “core” on the other hand. Cuz I can’t really write with my left hand.

But then I realized other people were doing it too. I think like 2 or 3 other people ended up writing “poop” on their hands.

that’s how we roll at open mic… just a bunch of silly fuckers messed up on the silly juice doing silly things.

So anyways, I woke up the next day in a daze, rushing around for work. I took a shower, but I didn’t give my hand the rough washing it needed. And when I got to work, I realized that if you looked hard enough, you could still see remnants of the word “poop” written on my hand. And I type all day, there’s no hiding that shit.

but i don't think anyone noticed... and if they did, they never said anything.

So that’s it. that’s the story about how I got poop on my hand.

oh and one more thing......

i don't get why everyone on facebook seems to be in an uproar over the new homepage. it's almost the same thing as before. it's not rocket science. it's a cheesy website that rearranged a few icons.

since we're talkin facebook, i gotta always put out that reminder that i'm still a myspace guy. if forced to choose one, i'd be for myspace all the way. i don't think facebook is that great, i just think people like the "newer" option. makes them feel special or hip or something. well i'm old school then fuckers.

but not old school enough to go back to friendster. that's for losers.

ps- fuck twitter... seriously.

maybe the worst headache of my life

seriously, today, i woke up with maybe the worst headache of my whole entire life. it was awful. i just laid around trying to get the energy to get up, shower, and go to cvs to purchase advil. but that didn't come easy. i didn't wanna do shit. i didn't wanna hear shit. i was getting text messages and i had to put my phone on vibrate cuz the noise was too much. even texting itself was aggravating.

eventually i got up to shower. the shower was a bit relieving. i got up, fed the cats, and then the headache came back full blast. i was so close to making my cvs journey, but i couldn't do it. all i could do was lay on my couch and stare at the wall in silence.

this lasted for like an hour. and then the headache started weakening. i got up, went to cvs and finally got my advil. once the advil hit my system, the headache was gone for good.

i deserved it. i'm no victim. i decided to hang out at the rover for their st patty's celebration. i went at 6pm. they close at 2am. so i was out on an 8 hour drinking binge. there's gotta be some hell to pay for that sorta thing.

naturally, i told myself in the midst of the headache that i won't be drinking tonight at open mic. but that was hours ago and i'm pretty certain i will be doing stand up with my usual miller lite in hand, or nearby.

josh's "how-to get over chicks" guide

this is my how-to guide on how to get over chicks. you know, the ones you date, then find yourself single but still thinking about them all the time. fuck that shit! i have the cure!

before i start though, i'd like to mention that there's one fool proof way that's even better than my "how-to" guide. it's the ol' cliche, "the only way to get over someone old is to get under someone new."

it's true, try it. guaranteed.

ok, here goes.

what you gotta do is make a list of all the con's about the ex girlfriend. ladies, you can do the same thing, just y'know, make it about the ex boyfriend (or x girlfriend or whatever you're into).

so yeah, think of all the awful shit about them that makes them suck as a human being. the best part is everyone has a little suck in them, so this method applies to ALL people.

if you still need help, i've gone ahead and made an example list of my own. this list is generic and not about anyone specific, i swear. and if you don't agree, then you're vain, or your self esteem sucks, or you know someone that actually qualifies for all the shit on this list.

1- she's fat
2- she's ugly
3- her mom's a bitch
4- she has no car
5- she smells
6- she's boring
7- she sucks in bed
8- she's a slut
9- she's conceited
10- she's snotty
11- she's a snob
12- she's too sassy
13- she's mean
14- she's really mean
15- she's a mean, cruel bitch
16- she has a child
17- her child sucks
18- her child's my age
19- she has two children
20- she has two children with two baby dadies.
21- she's poor
22- she's rude
23- she's stupid
24- she has bad taste in everything
25- I MEAN EVERYTHING!!!
26- she talks during movies
27- she unabashedly farts in public
28- she beats me
29- her friends suck
30- she makes you hang out with them constantly
31- she thinks you're dumb, but really, you're smarter than she is
32- she belittles you in public constantly
33- she's always right
34- she's condescending
35- she doesn't listen
36- her cooking sucks
37- she only stays with you until she finds someone better
38- she hates everything you think is awesome
39- she doesn't eat meat
40- she's a buzkill
41- she dominates the tv
42- she buys you awful clothes you hate
43- she forgets your birthday
44- she forgets your birthday and comes home drunk after a night of partying with her ex boyfriend who she's suddenly best friends with
45- she wants to fuck your friends
46- she likes nascar
47- she never shuts up
48- she doesn't know what she's talking about
49- she's a liar
50- she's a kleptomaniac
51- she's a pyromaniac
52- she's a schizophrenic, multiple personality havin, bipolar disaster
53- she loves drugs, the harder the better
54- you ruin everything and are the root cause for all things bad
55- she hates your friends
56- but really only because your friends are more awesome than hers
57- she's hairy
58- she thinks she's such a great singer
59- she's an awful singer
60- she mentioned threesome that one time, but she meant with another dude, not another chick
61- she kisses like a hose beast
62- she does a lot of things like a hose beast
63- you suspect she's more hose beast than human
64- she's constantly nagging or complaining
65- she doesn't know how to smile
66- and she really hates to see you smile
67- she snores
68- loud
69- she hates beer
70- she hates beef jerky
71- she hates greasy food
72- she hates sports



see! easy stuff! who wouldn't be over her after all that!

now get out there and get over that ex.