the phil jackson heel turn

brief preface:

-the following is all based on my imagination and i in no way think that this is how things will play out. but i think it'd be pretty awesome if it did.

-'heel turn,' is a term used in pro wrestling that refers to the act of a good guy becoming a bad guy. 

the lakers were recently eliminated from the playoffs by the san antonio spurs. it wasn't much of a contest at all. not only did the spurs sweep the series, but they pretty much left the lakers embarrassed and beat down. it hasn't been an easy season for the lakers. they fired their coach mike brown waaaay early in the season. then they replaced him with mike d'antoni. and they were forced to deal with tons of injuries and drama along the way. they were supposed to be the team to beat this season after picking up steve nash and dwight howard in the offseason. instead, they weren't a lock for the playoffs till the final game of the season. and on top of all that, kobe will be sidelined with an injury probably well into next season.

when they were looking to replace mike brown at head coach, rumors were swirling that the lakers were flirting with the legendary phil jackson. some rumors and reports had it that it was likely phil jackson would coach the lakers once more. and then one day they hired mike d'antoni to the surprise of basketball fans everywhere and even phil jackson apparently. phil jackson, possibly the greatest nba coach of all time, had been snubbed publicly. 

meanwhile on the other side of the staples center is la's other basketball team, the clippers. the clippers entire history could probably be summed up with the phrase, 'mediocre at best.' but something was happening with the clippers. things were changing. they were getting good... not just good, but better than the lakers (at least for a season) good. 

now the clippers find themselves in an ugly best of seven playoff battle with the memphis grizzlies. the clippers opened up the series 2-0. but since then, the grizzlies have been able to win two in a row and tie it up. and now things aren't looking as promising as they once were for the clippers.

what i imagine happens from here on in is that the clippers lose their next two games. the grizzlies beat them four times in a row. the clippers find themselves knocked out of the playoffs in the first round and embarrassed. ownership figures they can do better than this and blames it on the coaching staff. head coach vinny del negro is fired.

meanwhile, the lakers also decide to fire mike d'antoni and start looking for another coach. and when the lakers need another coach, who's the first name that's gonna come up in the hearts and minds of fans everywhere? phil motherfucking jackson, that's who. he'll come back, bring the la lakers back to their glory, win one more championship, and head out into the sunset with his reputation as the greatest of all time in tact.

except that the clippers decide that they're gonna make a play for phil jackson also. ownership knows they have more promising talent than the lakers. with kobe likely sitting out for a big chunk of next season, the clippers might just have enough going for them to convince phil jackson that they're the team from la he should coach next season. 

the offseason becomes hectic and no one can stop talking about phil jackson. what's he gonna do? he can't possibly consider coaching that other la basketball team when he's so synonymous with the lakers franchise. the drama is thick. espn won't stop talking about it. tweeters won't stop tweeting about it. phil jackson decides he'll produce his very own decision special, just like lebron james did a few years back.

and on that night, when basketball fans everywhere are glued to their tube to see where the zen master's gonna go, he slyly keeps everyone waiting. we're entertained with clips of him embracing trophies with the likes of jordan, pippen, kobe, and shaq. and then at the very end phil calmly sits down in a chair while stephen a. smith asks him, 'well coach, who's it gonna be?' and phil jackson says,

"i've decided next season i will return to la......"

3 seconds pass...

"to coach the clippers."

and just like that, the heel turn is complete. the lakers fate was sealed the moment they chose d'antoni over jackson. and i like to think that the phil jackson lead clippers will steamroll the western division and find themselves in a highly contested finals series with the heat, who are trying to three peat. it goes all the way to game seven and the only person who can stump the unstoppable lebron james is the only person left in the nba universe who could ever possibly cast a shadow over "the king." phil jackson, 12 time champion as a head coach. suck it lakers. suck it lebron. suck it pat riley. this is phil jackson's game.

i got nothing but (tough) love for conspiracy theorists

i consider myself a skeptic at heart. for that reason, from time to time, i find that i identify in some ways with conspiracy theorists... in the sense that they never want to believe what major media outlets are telling them. and i totally get that. it's really tough to take corporate sponsored media at its word 100% of the time. i don't think it's all complete bullshit that they're pedaling, but i'd never be shocked to learn that some of it is utter hogwash as well.

but my bond with conspiracy theorists pretty much ends there. then there's a fork in the road. i habitually question everything and in the end i feel like i'll never have a full grasp on anything and i've sorta accepted that and i deal with it. i'm constantly clouded with uncertainty about a lot of stuff, especially as related to current events. conspiracy theorists however take it into the complete opposite direction. not only do they know that what the media is reporting is bullshit, but they do know the truth, the truth that "they (the man, the powers that be, the shadowy puppet masters)" are trying to hide from you.

conspiracy theorists have their place in our society and to a certain extent i even think they serve a necessary function for the rest of us. as much as some people might not like to hear it, we need a group of people who constantly remind us that the government's out to get us or that there's some sorta secret cabal behind the curtain manipulating everything for their own personal gain. all of it, most of it, or some of it may not be true but we probably should exercise a bit of mistrust when it comes to the powers that be. blindly accepting everything they throw at us can be extremely dangerous for our well being.

it's just that a lot of these conspiracies are hard to buy into. none of them are ever proven beyond a reasonable doubt. and it seems that every conspiracy has some sorta faulty logic that makes it easy to disprove. now more than ever, with the internet and all, for every conspiracy theorist out there, there's another voice trying to debunk them. the deeper you get into it, the more you realize it's an almost unending sequence of debunkers debunking each other. and it's when you find yourself climbing down this rabbit hole that you may at some point think, "fuck it. i'm gonna go hang out with josh in his cloud of uncertainty."

maybe one day a conspiracy theorist somewhere will nail it. but i'm still waiting for that first major victory. so far, i don't think they have one. i don't think there's any conspiracy theory they can hang their hat on and say, "see, i told you so." conspiracy theories pop up so quick these days, it all seems very rushed and as a result, sloppy. slow down a bit. you're trying to prove some heavy, major shit. in many ways, the conspiracy theorists are just as guilty as major, corporate sponsored news outlets of rushing stories just to say they said it first. 

on that miraculous day when (/if) a conspiracy theory is proven to be correct beyond all doubt, it's gonna be hard for the rest of us to buy into. not because we don't wanna believe it, but because it's hard to take conspiracy theories serious. it's like the boy who cried wolf. you kept crying and crying and every time you did, it turned out to be utter bullshit. stop drowning the rest of us with inaccurate conspiracy fantasies. by doing so, you're only gonna make it harder for everyone else to seriously answer the call when (/if) you finally do get it right.

bieber, boston, and bitching

early monday morning i had thoughts running around in my head to write a piece about justin bieber in amsterdam. cuz over the weekend he visited anne frank's house and wrote in the ledger they keep something about him liking to think anne frank would've been a belieber. but my piece wasn't really gonna be about that. it was gonna be more about my reaction to the reactions i was coming across to the whole thing on the internet.

but then bombs went off at the finish line of the boston marathon. and then i didn't wanna write about that (or anything for that matter) anymore. shit just got really serious. and i had nothing to say on the matter. i hardly do when things get this serious. it sucks and it fills me with rage but i got no solutions. i look around and i see a world ready to explode. i hear a ticking in my head and i don't think i can do anything to stop it. i'm a pacifist who believes that total peace is impossible. that's a fucked up stance to have. so i wrote nothing.

my basic premise for the whole justin bieber thing was gonna be that all i saw were people who had nothing better going on then to post vacant commentary from their social networking soapboxes about something that probably got overblown. was he insensitive? i don't know. i can see how the act itself can be interpreted as such, but none of us can go in the dude's head and know for sure. he might've been filled to the brim with good intentions when he wrote that. and everyone was so quick to shit on him. 

and it sorta boggles my mind how deep some people go and get all serious about what justin bieber's (or any celebrity for that matter) doing. we don't really know who these people are. they're perfect strangers to us. go straighten out some shit in your own life before you join in on the mountain of criticism that gets heaped upon some of them.

also, he was in amsterdam. that's a city where pot and prostitution are legal. when i put it into perspective, if this is the worst story biebs can come back from amsterdam with, then maybe he's not doing so bad after all. but to each their own. i hear a lot of people love pot and prostitutes.

but now that's all passed and no one's really talking about it anymore and with good reason. what happened in boston made the whole bieber controversy suddenly not important. and that's partly because it was not important that whole time. we just didn't have anything else to bitch about. 

so i guess the point i'm trying to make here is the next time you find yourself bitching about a kardashian or you go on twitter only to find that everyone's ripping into the latest lindsay lohan mishap, show a little gratitude. if we ever are fortunate enough to find ourselves in a situation where the most important thing we have to complain about is some celebrity doing things we don't approve of, then shit must be going extremely well and maybe we should just shut the fuck up and enjoy the moment before the next tragedy hits. 

fake laughing, a reflection on the great 'lol' epidemic

me writing this right now is heavily influenced by a book i just read by the mighty chuck klosterman called, 'eating the dinosaur.' you should probably go out and buy that book. while i don't feel like it's totally necessary to reference a famous author as inspiration for something i write on this here silly blog, it seems like the honest thing to do. and what i'm about to get into has a whole lot to do with honesty.

fake laughing. we're all guilty of doing it. we do it on the internet... constantly. lol, lmao, lmfao, rofl... just recently i've run into a newer one, ctfu (cracking the fuck up. i know what you're thinking, why another four letter acronym to express fake laughter when there's already two others out there that are well known? goes to show you just how committed we are at faking our laughter). we use it in real life when the moment could get awkward without it. sometimes it's a bad joke. sometimes it's one of those moments where you have nothing to say and the only thing that will fill the void is a halfhearted chuckle that has nothing to do with you  finding anything funny at all. 

in principle, i find fake laughter deplorable. the more i think about it, the more i wanna cast it out of my life. the whole thing is based on dishonesty which pretty much makes every fake laugh a lie. and lying is wrong. sure, sometimes a little fake laugh can help smooth out an awkward social situation, but we shouldn't want to smooth it over. sometimes we just gotta let awkward be awkward and stop trying so hard to make the moment something it's not. 

on the other hand, getting by without fake laughter seems highly implausible. i fake laugh all the time. i fake laugh when people say something they think is funny but it really isn't as a way of sparing their feelings. many times i'm saying something silly or maybe not even that silly but maybe slightly uncomfortable or odd and i'll find myself following it up with a fake laugh... almost to convince whoever else is around that whatever i just said isn't that bad. sometimes i think i'm funny but i'm really not and i laugh at myself but it's fake and i know it and i'm really just trying to sell other people on whatever it is i said which is ridiculous cuz i'm backing up an attempt at humor with a fake laugh which makes the attempt at humor pointless.

(i'd also like to take this time to note that i totally understand people fake laugh when i say something that's not funny or weird or uncomfortable or for whatever reason. i don't want anyone under the impression that i'm typing all of this while thinking i'm somehow exempt from being fake laughed at myself.) 

and on the internet or through text messages, fucking forget about it. if i don't use 'lol,' i'll use, 'haha,' as if that's any better. and the only reason i ever use either of these is because i'm afraid that the recipient will not be able to tell how serious (or more specifically, how unserious) i'm trying to be. but that's an insult to the recipient's intelligence. sure, i'm playing it safe and hedging the odds in my favor that the reaction won't be negative, but i'm also slightly calling the person on the other end stupid... or at least stupider than me.

when i first sat down to write this, it was almost my intent to come out manifesto style and swear off fake laughter forever. but given how ingrained it is into how we interact with each other, i don't know if that's possible. i'll make my best attempts to try not to fake laugh in the future. but sooner or later (more likely, sooner) i'm gonna find myself in a position where i'll figure faking a laugh will put me in a better situation than not laughing at all (some examples: a job interview, breaking up fights, talking to your significant other). the point is, sometimes fake laughter is all about survival. and while i like to assume that i, as well as everyone else in the world, values integrity, there comes a time where integrity can be sacrificed in the name of survival.

north korea as hype

i get the sense that, for the most part, we as a country have decided not to take north korea's heavy nuclear rhetoric very serious. we've seen cheap looking youtube videos that show bombs exploding in american cities. it almost seems as if everyday, north korean leadership adds one more statement to the list of threats against us and against south korea. and no one seems very much worried at all.

not that i advocate worrying. not at all. i'm all for a civilization that will look a nuclear bomb in the face and think, "fuck it, bring what you got. i'll accept my fate." i'd be thrilled if our instinctual reaction to the threat of nuclear warfare (or any other warfare for that matter) was to not worry cuz whatever happens, happens and we gotta keep living our lives for ourselves no matter what circumstances or threats we might find ourselves under.

but i don't think that's why we're not worried. i think we're not worried cuz we've turned north korea into a punchline. we mock their technology and their bravado. we tell ourselves that this is just grandstanding on an international stage. this is all about an egomaniac who wants to look the part more than be the part. and even if he did push the red button, no way one of their shitty, lower form of technology than the cell phone in my pocket, missiles could ever reach us. and maybe all of that is true. but maybe we've begun to make ourselves  just a little too comfortable.

now i understand there's people paid a lot of money in the pentagon and elsewhere in the military to give a fuck about this and to put forth a "just-in-case" strategy. and i'm sure the people in those roles are doing just that. i'm not bunching them in with the rest of us. i hope they're not bunched in with the rest of us. i'd like to think someone in the military is paid to show up and freak the fuck out and come up with solutions to doomsday scenarios that haven't played out (and possibly never will).

but when did we start underestimating the bad guys again? if this were april in the year 2002, i think an outrageous number of americans would be flipping the fuck out right now. remember when we learned that you didn't need a lot of money or technology to land a solid body blow on u.s. soil? and if anything, all these years later, we probably should be more concerned. what was our rebuttal for the worst attack on american soil? two long, drawn out wars that don't belong anywhere in the same paragraph with the words, "promising results." if you're any other country in the world who has thought of putting america in her cross hairs, why wouldn't you'd take your shot right about now?

i'm not rooting for this and i'm  not condoning this. all i'm saying is whatever happened to the days of optimistic caution? hiding under your desk with a book over your head just in case the russians drop the big one. sure, that would in no way ensure your survival, but at least there was a wacky idea for us all to follow on the table... y'know... "just in case."

i hope shit don't get ugly. my rational mind tells me it won't. but i'm also just a little guilty of falling for the, "north korea is a joke," hype. and i honestly do think, feel, and hope that the hype is correct but regardless of any of that, as i type this, public enemy's, 'don't believe the hype,' is playing in my head.

anyways, i'm not gonna go build a bomb shelter. if the shit goes down, i got no interest in a post-apocalyptic reality. i have no longing for a life that lacks the comforts of drive thru fast food, modern toilets, and twitter.

sleep tight!

pro wrestling is for maniacs

there's a certain amount of alienation that comes with being a fan of pro wrestling. based on my own experience as a wrestling fan, i find it safe to assume most people aren't watching. sure, millions of people tune into monday night raw each week, but that's not the majority of people. once you break it all down worldwide and stretch it out, there's probably two dudes in my office (and i'm one of them) who watch it. no news outlets report on it. no comedians write jokes about it. barring something extremely crazy happening, no one outside of the odd little universe of wrestling fans ever know what's going on inside the ring.

so when wrestlemania arrived this past weekend, it felt really awesome and somewhat liberating to find myself surrounded by thousands of fans (80,000+ for wrestlemania, 15,000+ for raw the following day). we showed up early and tailgated. we made a weekend of it. for a solid 4 days, everyone in this area knew that wrestling came to town. maybe they didn't know much else.... but if they weren't into wrestling, they suddenly realized they knew someone who was. people in the area started coming out in public as wrestling fans en masse. no more wrestling fan shame. not when mania's in town brother.

for us, this is the mecca. this is comic con meets the superbowl meets the circus. in the only stadium that is home to TWO nfl football teams, for just one night, wrestling would be king and all else seemed insignificant. don't believe me? ask michael strahan cuz he was there. when the introductions were made and the initial bell rung, nothing but wrestling mattered and it was all worth it and it all made sense and who wouldn't wanna be a part of this? it was amazing!

and it really was. i guess if you're not a wrestling fan, it's a hard sell. i guess it just looks like two dudes in underwear rolling around and fake punching each other to a script with predetermined endings. and sure, it is that to a certain degree... but there's a lot more going on. and i could try and try to preach and convert or at least shift your opinion just a little. but i'm not gonna do that cuz it's exhausting and you could just google something like, 'pro wrestling is cool,' and probably come across an endless amount of internet that defends pro wrestling's awesomeness.

i do know this. there's nothing like wrestling fans. they're the best... or the best i've been around. i've been to a shitload of sporting events and concerts and all other sorts of live entertainment and there is nothing like a pro wrestling crowd. they're fun and insane and there's costumes and signs... holy shit so many signs... and there's good guys and bad guys (and good women and bad women, let's not forget), and everyone's rooting against each other but when it's all said and done, we're all there for the same good time.

and when i think about how intense wrestling fans can be and what a great time that can be had, i'm sorta glad that it's not more popular. i don't want everyone in the world suddenly into wrestling. cuz it'd probably water down the experience. this is for people who know how to get into it and be silly and let loose and have a good time cuz the audience is as much a part of the show as the entertainers themselves. and the entertainers in the ring would probably be the first to agree with that statement. a great crowd will make a great night and a weak crowd could very well ruin what might've been an awesome show.

so if you're not a maniac, then watching pro wrestling may not be for you. and that's okay cuz i suppose it's alright to not be a maniac. but after the weekend i just had, all i can say is, being a pro wrestling maniac is a fucking blast!

welcome back baseball

welcome back? wait, didn't baseball season just end the other day? i don't get it. how can we welcome baseball season back with open arms if it won't give us a chance to miss it?

i don't like baseball. i find it extremely boring. sure, every so often something exciting will happen and i could consider myself dazzled. but i'm not willing to sit through 3-4 hours of spitting and crotch grabbing when i know that no more than ten awesome things will happen in one entire day of baseball, which espn will widdle down and present to me in a convenient countdown at least six times a day.

if i do tune into baseball, it's for one of two reasons. reason one is to see how long before the dudes on commentary are talking about something completely asinine. it usually takes 10, 15 minutes tops. cuz even they're bored and grasping for something... anything to make things more interesting.

the other reason is if i wanna take a nap. baseball knocks me right out. this is not a joke. some people fall asleep to whale sounds or the pitter-patter sound of rain... not me. there's not a case of insomnia baseball can't cure for me. and if i have a busy day ahead of me with a bunch of stuff to do, it's in my best interest to stay away from baseball viewing at all costs lest it casts its sleepy spell on me.

if you're a fan of baseball, that's cool with me. to each their own. i understand your unwavering fanaticism about it cuz apparently your grandpa's last words to you were, "it's america's past time." just don't expect me to hold up a conversation about it. cuz people try that shit with me all the time. friends, coworkers, family that doesn't know any better, that weird dude at the bus stop... they all just love to come up to me and try to talk my ear off about baseball. and i never have anything to say except, "i don't really watch it." and after many attempts to try and convey to other people that i'm not a fan, people will still try and continue on with whatever it was they were gonna say like it means anything to me at all.

in fact, the people that are the most guilty of this seems to be yankee fans. it's almost like, how dare i not be a yankee fan or at least somewhat knowledgeable about what's going on in yankee-land. y'know what? fuck yankee land. they force you to shave in yankee land. that's a bunch of bullshit. everything's overpriced and yankee fans are too drunk on their own stupid yankee pride to see what kinda ride they're being taken for. but whatever. they employed george constanza. so i guess it's not all evil.

if i was gonna choose a team to root for, i'd go with the toronto blue jays. cuz baseball is america's past time and they're from canada... which to me feels like i'd be rooting for the outcast and i love rooting for the outcast. plus, a blue jay is a beautiful fucking bird. it's a blue bird, man. you gotta see one. they're awesome! plus, canadians are swell people and i'm a fan of swell.

so go blue jays! just don't ask me anything specific about them. cuz i tried watching them once and i fell asleep.

laundrymat dress code

everyone's always bumming it at the laundrymat. all the good clothes end up in the washers so what's left to wear? just the bottom of the drawer stuff you don't ever wanna wear anywhere else. the laundrymat happens to be about the only acceptable place for those sorta clothes. i did my laundry tonight, and i decided to wear a shirt i helped paint in. it's covered in paint stains. i could've thrown it out.... i suppose. but it's still comfy so i hang on to it... i rock it around the apartment when i'm straight bumming it or sometimes i'll wear it out to the laundrymat (much like i did tonight).

i wanna live in a world where everyone always dresses how they dress for the laundrymat. when it comes to laundry, people break it down to the bear necessities. is it comfortable? does it hide my boobs from the public? great. all other concerns can be filed under, "i don't give a fuck." how great would it be if everyone everywhere always dressed to be comfortable and didn't give a fuck what anyone else thought about it?

that's the bummer with fashion to me. it all feels forced. like this is what other people seem to like to wear, so i'm gonna wear it too. and the whole thing just seems ridiculous. clothes don't change the man (or the woman), we allow the clothes other people choose to wear to affect how we see them. almost everyone seems to be adhering to some sorta uniform at all times. but if it feels forced, then what's the point?

i think everyone should feel free to dress up anyway they see fit. whatever sorta clothes brings out the most enjoyment or comfort or whatever. whatever makes you happy. we shouldn't be concerned with people looking stylish. we should be concerned with people being so content that it shows at first glance no matter what they're wearing.

but for now, this sorta apparel utopia seems to only exists in the confines of a place where people go to do their laundry. we dress at our most comfortable and casual for a task most people find irritating. it's like the only time there's no shame attached to dressing like this is when we're all in a place where it's more than safe to assume no one has anything better to wear so there's absolutely no reason to judge. but i don't think there should be any reason for us to judge in the first place.