closure

this could be about anyone... i hope...

i've been holding back an email that says 'i miss you' for almost a week. i'm too scared of consequences and what that will lead to. i just want to send it and be done with it and never have to read a reply from the intended recipient. it's an email that says, 'i miss you.' but it's a lot more selfish than that. i sorta want you to know i miss you... but mostly this is about me, about closure... about me seeking closure.

there's never closure. at worst there'll be a reply... a reply that means nothing, a reply that i'll read 30 times over and look into and over interpret till it means what i want it to mean.

at best there'll be no response.

i tell myself that missing people is natural. one day there's this person who's the person you talk to the most, the person you see the most, the person you wanna be around the most, the person who holds the most space in your text message inbox...

and the next day they're gone, all gone. it's all gone. a person simply vanishes... like they were never there to begin with. but they were. and whether or not i choose to acknowledge it, we all leave imprints on each other... sometimes good... sometimes bad...

i should always remember what's probably the most important lesson my dad ever taught me... that me missing someone can't force them back into my life. that was one of those 'learn by doing,' not 'learn by saying,' exercises.

it's all voids. i'm not even chasing closure. i'm filling voids and big, empty holes in my soul. i don't even think i miss people anymore. i miss feelings and conversations that run till they go empty....

not even two weeks ago i feared the end of a conversation... i feared running out of things to say... now i miss having someone to talk to till i run out of words... how nice that must be, how much i didn't appreciate that.

i don't know what i miss. i don't know if there is a such thing as closure. each relationship in life begins with so much promise and hope and beauty and so many end in sadness and disappointment. it's enough sometimes to make me hide my head in my shirt and never play the game again.

but that's no way to live life. what i need to do is stop seeking closure. there's no closure in life... ever. the only relationships that end right end with you dying in the arms of the one you love... and even then they live on without you... no one gets a fair deal ever.

what i need to do is appreciate what i have in my life. i've wasted so much time magnifying my imperfections and the things that i don't got. i need to stop and realize what's great and awesome in my life... my friends and family... the love i give and receive. the sunshine and the cool summer nights not so far away. the red hot chili peppers live in concert this past weekend and the availability of a hot cup of coffee on all corners of the world... there's so much that is beautiful in life... big things, little things... and i waste my time looking for closure to events that are already gone and burned in the furnace of the past.

i had a shitty day today. there were layoffs at work. i was sick of the corporate monster which made me sick of everything else in my life. i came home fighting urges to burn everything i own... as if that'd be some quick fix for every problem i added up and threw on my back.

i don't want to do this... but i have to take today and burn it... burn it like i wanted to burn all that i own. burn this day so that i know it's gone and tomorrow we can start anew. there's really no closure in that... nothing will be fixed... not much will change by the time my alarm rudely awakes me.... but if i can find the strength to burn today and with it the negative feelings i got going through me, then maybe tomorrow i can somehow get back to a place where i don't miss the past but instead embrace the moment.