i'm writing you this letter in hopes that you will consider offering me employment as an on-air sports broadcaster. i think i'd be a great fit with your company and we could do so many great things together. i'm an all around swell dude with a knack for entertaining vernacular and spot on sports analysis.
my biggest asset would be my winning attitude. i watch a lot of sports and when i watch professional sports, all i see is winners. even the losing teams are stocked with winners. they won the moment they were chosen, the moment a team or an organization recognized them for their talents and said, "you, yes you, are worthy of so much of our money." behind every losing team is a list of winners who belong to winning families and are the fortunate recipients of generous bank accounts.
so when asked for analysis on who i think would win the big game, or even the little game, i'd tell it like it is... cuz that's who i am. i pull no punches for anyone. all you're gonna get out of me is the brutal, honest truth. and that's what espn needs a little more of... honest and bold truth tellers like myself who aren't afraid to step on any toes with their comments.
that's why i'd tell the television audience watching at home that the real winner is them. the fans are the winners. it doesn't matter what game, what sport, what time or place... the fans will always come up as the winner. and how awesome is that? i'll be a constant reminder to the espn viewer that they always win. while athletes risk it all and never truly go undefeated on the field of play, the fan will always have a perfect record, will always bat 1.000, will always be the reason and inspiration for having any and all of this in the first place. the athletes play for them. espn airs for them. without the fans, it doesn't happen. you're perfect espn viewer, never forget that.... never!
and then the espn viewer would be a happier viewer. constantly filled with this confidence, they'll sit back and watch the commercials espn airs and will be more open to spending money on whatever it is you're trying to sell them, given their optimistic mood about how awesome they are. you're awesome so go buy cases of miller light! you're awesome so go insure your car with geico! you're awesome so order in some domino's pizza! i help make your fans happier people which in turn helps make your advertisers happier which in turn makes the big wigs in bristol happier.
at this point, i'm sure you're thinking, "enough mr. wells, the job is yours." but just in case you need more convincing, here goes.
i know a lot about football and i have a fair amount of knowledge about basketball. much like anyone else, i love college basketball for one month a year. i know absolutely nothing about hockey so that alone should make me a natural fit over at espn. i bore of baseball. and let's be honest, who doesn't? when the top 10 highlight countdown plays in late july, the viewer is sick and tired of athletic catches in the outfield. that's why if i were given the opportunity to do the top 10, my catch phrase would be a sarcastic, "what a surprise, he caught it." it'd be huge. it'd catch on like wildfire. the kids would start saying it in the streets. you could put it on t shirts and billboards (with a fair amount of royalties for me since it is my brainchild).
but i would also shed light on lesser known sports that deserve a little more attention. and i think this would be a brilliant move for espn. it would make the entire network seem more encompassing and aware of the entire world of sports. i have a list of three, the big three, that deserve some tv time.
1- bowling. c'mon! everybody secretly loves bowling. let's blow the lid off this secret and make it common knowledge already.
2- monster trucks. cuz monster trucks are awesome and there's no science to disprove this statement.
3- pro wrestling. it's popular like nascar, ten times more exciting, and the competitors actually have to exercise to stay in shape to do their job.
pro wrestling would also be a great way to fill up your top 10 highlights of the day. all of the sudden braggadocios wide receivers with choreographed touchdown celebrations would have to compete with piledrivers off of top ropes into tables. you can pretty much say goodbye to baseball highlights forever, there'll just be no room for them (you're welcome everybody).
also, wrestlers give the best interviews. you want press conference drama? you got it, tons of it.
okay, but let's say for some reason, you're still not convinced (i can't see why you wouldn't be though). i can also be a serious broadcast journalist. i'd make it my duty to blow the lid off of a serious problem in sports. it's a problem worse than steroids. i call it, 'the god scandal.' if you take athletes at their word, god gets more credit for winning than steroids, practice, coaches, and teammates. how come every time someone's victorious, god found a way to be involved in the outcome? i'd get to the bottom of this right away. who knows, maybe even suggest a banning of god from all sporting events?
but that's just me, a fan of the game in all it's purity. i don't want sports watered down or manipulated by any outside forces whether it be gambling, drugs, or religion. and it's because i'm such a fan of the purity of sports that i believe i'd be a great (maybe one of the greatest ever) asset to your company.
i appreciate your time espn. i look forward to hearing from you in the near future.
soon to be espn employee,
josh wells
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