why i should've been mitt romney's pick for vp

yesterday mitt romney announced that his pick to run on the ballot as his vice president is paul ryan. and i was disappointed. i was really hoping mitt would do something a little risky, maybe go off the beaten path and pick a virtual unknown.... i was kinda hoping mitt romney would pick me, joshua d. wells, as his candidate for vice president of the united states.

in the long run, i'd be the best possible pick he could make. i'd tour the country and tell people why they need to vote for mitt romney if they wanted to save the united states of america from crumbling. i'd tell everyone that we're going to repeal obamacare and get rid of medicare. and then we'd lower taxes for "job creators." those guys deserve a  break. if anyone's had a hard time in the past decade, it's them. and to make up for that, we'd have to increase taxes on the middle class. but c'mon guys, you're doing your american duty by paying more taxes. you should feel like a patriot. speaking of feeling like a patriot,we were thinking that perhaps you could give up more of your privacy to the government just so we know you're not al-queda. that would be the pro-american thing to do.

i know what you're thinking. "is that all you got?" nope, i'm not finished. i'm just getting warmed up here. i'd promote the war on women. i'd tell america that it's time to outlaw abortion AND birth control altogether. in fact, i don't think anyone should have sex for any other purpose but pro creating. sex shouldn't be a recreational endeavor. don't you know jesus is watching?

did i mention jesus? i sure did. he's my lord and savior and the only true god that america has room for. when our founding fathers promoted religious freedom, they just meant all forms of jesus loving. muslims, jews, buddhists, i'm sorry, there's no room for your faith in the america of the future. and atheists, if y'know what's good for you, you'll repent for your life of sin as soon as possible. i'm only telling you this because anyone, and i mean ANYONE who doesn't believe in jesus will find an eternal home on the lake of fire at the end of their life here on earth.

so i guess it goes without saying that we'll also outlaw gay marriage. that's just not how god intended it. case closed. i understand that some people think that they're happy with their gay lifestyles, but that's just the devil tricking you. you're not happy. you're miserable. trust me. i know this cuz jesus told me.

and on the topic of homeland security, we will do all that is in our power to ensure our safety in a dangerous world. that will start with a war in iran. we should no longer keep this plan a secret. we're going to go to war with iran. it's going to be a huge sacrifice of our military but it'll be worth it because it'll help to maintain stability half way across the world. trust me. we know what we're doing here. we're the same military force that's been bringing stability to the middle east for decades now. our track record is flawless... and don't you dare say otherwise. to say our military does anything but a flawless job would be the most offensive of unpatriotic acts you could commit.

and i'd kindly like to remind the country that corporations are people too. so treat them as such. don't be mean to corporations because they have feelings just like you and me. in all our decisions, we should always ask ourselves, "how would corporations feel about this?" i find usually that what's good for corporations is good for america. i know it can seem confusing when you start to consider things such as outsourcing or pollution. but you have to remember that it's all about the bottom dollar. we should be willing to make many sacrifices so that our corporations can turn the biggest profit possible. this is what's good for america.
 
and if after cramming this rhetoric down america's throat for the next few months, if somehow mitt romney still gets elected... the first thing i'll say as soon as we've been sworn into office is:

"congratulations to mitt romney. he is a douchebag of the highest order and i will make it my personal duty to fight tooth and nail against all of his stupid ideas. i take back all the things i said on the campaign trail. i only thought such heavy rhetoric would sabotage any semi-legitimate chance mitt romney had of actually being elected as president. though it saddens me to see that he still won this race, i will not stop in my personal crusade against his awful, corporately endorsed agenda."