it all meant something or nothing

i was gonna shave my head and leave a mohawk for the mud run i took part in today. i was gonna do something crazy to commemorate the moment cuz i'm proud. i'm proud i did something that's tough, physical, and exercise-ish for recreation. it's an official landmark for me. even though i've been running now for a few years, i never competed in anything official-ish. and i never did anything that left me tired, scarred, and extremely muddy.

the mud run was this big thing for me. it was this form of self validation i saw in the horizon and every day it got closer and closer till today it was here. i have been doing all this running and exercising for the past few years, trying to live a healthier lifestyle, and finally i would do something that officially proves there was some kinda payoff. without the exercise, the running, the effort, the pain...i would've never been able to do what i did today.

but i'm glad i decided against the mohawk. cuz the mud run's over now and here i am, same as before, except for the scars, bruises and bumps. life goes on. it always does. and as extraordinary as this moment felt for me, and as important as i made it to myself, i realize that in the long run, today is just another day like any other day. no mohawk or crazy action of any kind could ever freeze the moment and make it last forever. this weekend will end like all the rest. monday it's back to the grind. i'll be office worker bee josh, as if the mud run never happened at all.

as big a deal as anything can be, life will always move on. the moments are epic and should be enjoyed. and while you're at it, take a picture and put it up on facebook. but then after that it's time to think of what's next. that's life. one thing to the next thing to the next thing... never a moment to slow down. always plot out the next step.

for me, i suppose i'll do another mud run again somewhere down the line. this will just be the first of many hopefully. in the immediate future, i'm thinking of waking up tomorrow and going for a good, lengthy run. i'll do as i've been doing. i'll do the same things that helped lead me to completing a 5k mud run obstacle course today.

life just keeps moving. on thursday i was at a wake. she was 23 and now she's gone. i couldn't help but keep thinking how 23 is way too young to die. it just seemed unfair and a total robbery. but what can i do? what can anyone do? we can't freeze time. despite our best efforts, we can't turn the clock back and make it not happen. this may be the most tragic thing about us. we all have this brain to do all this big thinking, but we'll never erase the biggest thing of all... time... it just keeps moving. as broken up as i am about a friend passing away at age 23, i had to realize that life just keeps going.

just like the tragic theater massacre that happened thursday night in colorado.... it's an awful thing and when i see it on tv, i wanna make it go away. i wanna undo it. i wanna close the program without saving and open it up and start again. but that's not an option. we have to keep moving forward. it's our moral obligation to ourselves to not let ourselves get stuck and to deny ourselves of forward progress.

i haven't blogged in a few days. i've had a heavy heart and a heavy mind. i didn't know what to type to make me feel right about anything. i was guilty of being stuck. there have even been certain moments in the past 2-3 days where i've thought to myself, 'i sorta don't want to do this mud run anymore,' cuz i was just bummed about life in general.

and this isn't to say i'm not sad anymore for the tragic things that happened and will continue to happen. but that's never an excuse to lie in a corner and refuse to participate in life. this whole charade's gonna keep moving forward. you can sit on the sidelines and let everyone else play the game. but in the end all you'll be is a spectator. you may have a uniform and a vested interest, but if you're not on the field crying, sweating, and bleeding, then you're not playing at all.