a break up letter from the president

(preface:

i'd like to mention now that this in no way is about president obama. it's not a satirical piece or anything clever like that. it's just some silly concept i happened to come up with towards the tail end of president obama's first term.

now on with the silliness. enjoy. or don't. just don't have a stick up your butt and think i'm making a political statement. thanks.)


dear america,

i have decided that i will not be running for reelection at the conclusion of my first term as president of the united states of america. it's not that i don't think i'm the man for the job anymore. i still believe i'm qualified, and probably the most qualified, for the job. but you've broken my heart over these past four years america. i can't stand to subject myself to the heartache any longer.

i wish i could say, "it's not you, it's me." but that would be a lie. i have dedicated everything  i have, and then some, to serve you as best as i could. the sacrifices a person must make to be efficient in this position are numerous. i never knew how much i had to give until i learned how to dig down and give more than i thought i ever had.

i haven't had a good night's sleep in years. i become envious, saddened, and a little enraged when i think of the millions of americans who may be fortunate enough to follow a proper and healthy sleeping schedule, all so they can wake up with enough energy to express their disapproval of my job. america, we've had our low points in this relationship, but it's not all bad. why can't you enjoy the good things? i see that you enjoy flat screen tv's and high speed internet and water that's clean enough to not kill you like it does in other parts of the world. it hasn't all fallen apart. why can't you give me some credit? i'm doing the best i can.

and that's just it. i've given you my best, my all and what do i get in return? i've received death threats and even worse, death threats against my wife and children... even against the white house cat, roosevelt. no one has taken my life, but they've tried. i wake up on a semi regular basis to briefings and detailed reports of foiled assassination plots. it's like a hollywood movie, except i'm the president and this is real life and the existence that people want to end is all my own.

if you'd tell me you loved me every once in a while, showed a little appreciation and compassion, perhaps i'd reconsider. but i feel like we've come too far and there's no turning back. you've shown your true colors. you're cruel and mean spirited.

and as bad as you are to me, i will still love you america. but i must move on. i'm ready to be on my own. i look forward to it. i'm going to go back home and hang out with some friends, drink some beers, shoot some pool, watch some espn. i'm going to bring my kids to an amusement park with big roller coasters and overpriced concessions. i'm going to take a nap on a hammock in my backyard. i'm going to practice the art of lazy sundays till it makes me sick.

and when i'm ready america, i'll come back to you. but in a different role i'm afraid. i won't have the commitment to be your president anymore. but i'll participate in the speech circuit and you can pay money to come see me speak. it'll be glorious. i'll say intelligent things that you paid to hear and when it's all said and done, you'll applaud me. and i'll go home and not worry about calls on red phones at 3am or a soaring unemployment rate. i won't have to because you'll have moved on to someone else. i don't know who yet, but i can assure you, you'll find another president. and you might even like him (or her) better than you ever liked me. just be gentle america. they're giving you their best.

with a heavy heart,

your soon to be ex-president