i still don't wanna be a jock

i think there's certain divides and boundaries that can't be crossed in life that are created in high school (or in the proximity of the high school years). like who you choose to hang around with and how you label yourself. i think there's a lot of self labeling in high school that gets stuck with us for the rest of our lives and for me it'll probably be that, in my own mind, i saw myself as more of an outcast that anything else. i didn't have school spirit. i never owned a piece of clothing that had the name of my high school on it. and for the most part, i thought jocks were lame.

i'm older now so of course i don't think all jocks are lame anymore. but there was a certain stereotype that bugged me. it was the conceited meathead who was a real dick but got to date the hottest girls just cuz he was on the football team and he was "popular." i guess if certain jocks had never personally acted like dicks towards me, i never would've had this issue. but i did. now i just try and not like people who act like dicks. doesn't matter whether you're a jock or a nerd... just don't be a dick cuz when it comes down to it, being a dick is lame.

however, in the past few years, i've become more physically active. i run a lot. i'm clocking anywhere from 20-30 miles a week. i exercise. i do push ups and crunches everyday. i take yoga and boot camp classes that my job offers. i participated in a mud run last summer. i'm signed up for two 5k races already this summer (with my eye on doing at least one more mud run sometime this year). me in high school would find this all very lame. me in high school would accuse me now of selling out and being jock-ish.

but i'm not a jock. and just cuz i'm more physically active doesn't mean i'm gonna turn into some kinda dick. all i'm really doing is trying to keep myself in some sorta acceptable physical shape. things started getting weird in my mid to late 20's. i started noticing my gut was getting bigger. you can call it a beer belly if you want, but it was more like a beer / i fucking love fast food / i'm a total couch potato belly. and as the 20's dragged on, it became more obvious. i started noticing in the mirror's reflection and in pictures. ugh, the pictures. i didn't wanna be beer belly josh. i wanted to be skinny, no beer belly josh. so one night after work i stopped watching tv, put on some shorts, went outside and ran.

i sucked so bad at running. i could barely run a half mile without stopping. but i kept going. i started running three to four times a week. i started to run slightly longer distances. i started adding a fifth or sixth day in some weeks. and soon i found myself enjoying it. enjoying getting out, enjoying fresh air, enjoying some sorta exercise, enjoying moving... it was like i was freeing myself of my own self imposed shackles.

so here i am a few years later and i'm still at it. and over the years i find that, of course, i end up talking about it with other people. lately i find myself in some deep, serious discussions about health and exercise and it sorta makes me feel jock-ish. and i'm starting to find myself on this fine line between 'dude who exercises but still enjoys life' and 'dude who totally commits to all things fitness.' and the thing is, i see some people who are totally dedicated to fitness (aka- pretty damn jockish), and sure, they look great and they probably feel great. but it's almost like they're executives at a job and are constantly tied to it 24/7 via emails and cell phones. and i don't know if i wanna be that dude. i don't think i wanna be totally chained to the fitness junkie lifestyle.

i'm trying to remember that at some point during my runs, this became kinda fun and liberating. and it still is. but i don't ever want it to turn into something else, something more serious. i don't wanna measure how fast i can run or how long i can run for. i kinda just wanna run cuz i enjoy it. i kinda just wanna come home from work, do some routine exercises, and move on with my life. i kinda wanna have a life outside of fitness. all i ever wanted to be was a fitter/healthier dude in whatever other endeavors i decided to pursue in life. and i feel like i'm there. and that makes me happy.