somewhere between tragedy and gratitude

so my blog output's been a bit slow lately. and i'm not exactly sure why.... feels like it started in november. just stopped thinking about enough stuff to ramble on about. got lazy. then december came along and i've been trying to go out more and have fun cuz this is my birthday month (i just turned 33 this past sunday, the 16th) and i should just say, "fuck it," and make the whole month a celebration of sorts. i don't know if that makes me vain. i just like finding reasons to celebrate so i'm usually easily convinced into going out and doing social type activities (especially things that involve live music and dive bars). i never meant to sacrifice my writing output for the sake of this plan... it just sorta played out that way.

and then the awful tragedy in newtown, connecticut happened. and that was a fucking colossal bummer... maybe one of the biggest bummers ever (i feel like the word 'bummer' downplays it and i apologize. not my intent. it's all i got right now). i found myself distraught, disgusted, and saddened. i know it's been discussed over and over and i'm certainly not the first to say this... but what kinda sick fuck shoots a bunch of little kids? ugh. i'm still horribly disturbed. i mean, what can you say? that's how i felt about it anyways. there's nothing i can say or write or communicate that's gonna bring those kids back. and if there's nothing i can do that can accomplish that, i'm just gonna shut up and be sad about it.

even if i had some grand idea of what to say about it, i wouldn't have wanted to add to the nonstop assault of everyone else around me talking, writing, and communicating about it. it's everywhere. and it should be. but it seems like every possible opinion's already been communicated. i've got nothing to add to this convo. all i know for certain is that it's some sad shit. all i know is that as human beings, we should all be saddened and disgusted that something like this is even fathomable. something's wrong... and i don't know what it is. wish i did. i' m pretty sure humanity's just fucked.

and that's how i felt on friday. how fucked are we as a society that this is even possible? aren't we all somewhat responsible for our surroundings? don't we all have a say in how shit goes down? seems like a lot more people think that now than they did before it happened. cuz everyone's got their own idea of how to fix this shit. all i know is, i hope the good ideas overcome the bad ideas and i really can't tell you which is which. i'm simple minded.... i think everyone should just stop being a douchebag and everything would fix itself. ha. me and my idealism.

so then the weekend happens. and it's my birthday weekend and i wanna have fun. and i can't help but feel a little selfish saying that out loud... but it's the truth. i still wanna celebrate. i don't wanna let this turn into something where i totally give up on everything and say, "no more fun. we don't deserve it." and maybe we don't. but i'm still gonna try. so i partied a lot this weekend. and i had a lot of fun. and i hung out with a lot of great people. for three nights people kept me drinking, smiling, laughing, singing, dancing, being goofy, and most importantly grateful. i have so much gratitude for the people i hold near and dear in my life.

so i'm stuck somewhere between tragedy and gratitude. and the doomsday sayers are saying the big day is this friday, 12/21/12. and maybe it will all end then. and maybe we have it coming to us. i'm pretty sure it's a bunch of sensational hogwash... but if it all does end... maybe me and the people who i think are awesome can have some kinda access to a bunker. and after the shit goes down and the dust settles, maybe we'll have a chance to repopulate society and start again. and maybe, just maybe we'll all learn to live and abide by the 'don't be a douchebag' rule.

that's a stretch. gonna do my best by trying not to be a douchebag. won't you do the same?