let me start by getting the obvious out of the way.... yeah, i'm an atheist. i don't believe in a god and i don't believe anything special happens after you die. some people will slowly decompose, me personally, if my last will and testament are followed, i'll flow through the breeze as ashes. that's it... no consciousness.... i don't expect it to feel much like anything... but it's probably a whole lot like before you were born.
that being said, i don't consider myself to be a douchebag atheist. i don't wanna scream on a soapbox about it. i don't wanna be the buzzkill at the party that goes to great lengths to disprove the existence of all that is metaphysical or spiritual when everyone else is just there to try and have a good time (i know you know that dude!) i don't want you to join my new, exciting atheist movement, i don't want you to buy my book. anyone who buys a book about atheism is an asshole, and any person who writes a book about it, AND makes money, is a bigger asshole.
there's no book to write. there's not even a main character. yet some of these blowhards go on writing book after book, these several hundred page borefests that explain what it means to not believe in anything... pages, chapters, books, and total libraries dedicated to NOTHING. they're the seinfeld show of the book world, except pretend seinfeld was never funny and took itself way too seriously. yeah i know, pretty awful to even try and imagine.
i don't think i'm better than anyone else. you won't ever hear me say, 'i won't associate with a christian, jew, scientoligist (or whatever relgion you wanna insert here).' i don't think i'm smarter, cooler, or better looking for it.
and i refuse to think that there's some atheist brotherhood. just because you're a fellow atheist don't automatically make you a friend. you get judged just like anyone else.... are you an asshole? then get away from me. are you cool? great, first beer's on me. if my choices for hanging out are a gang of cool christians or a gaggle of asshole atheists, i'll take the cool christians every time. not only are they cooler than you, but their chicks got no attitude, and just in case i'm wrong about this whole atheist thing, it might help to know some people and have some connections in the great beyond.
so there it is, in summation... i'm josh, i like cool people, can't stand assholes. you will not be judged upon your religion. just don't be a douchebag.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
the secret to being cool (subtitled: the lesson i still need to learn)
this blog is dedicated to chino loco, a super cool motherfucker.
i'd like to consider myself cool. but when i start to put too much thought into it, i start to question myself, what exactly makes someone cool?
i met a dude recently who digs celine dion. a dude who up till that point i thought was a cool fucker. as soon as i learned about the celine dion thing, my opinion started to change. i wanted to believe that he was joking about it. he didn't seem the type. i had this stereotype about celine fans that for the most part, they're either housewives, gay dudes, or weirdos from europe.
he wasn't kidding. he was serious. he knew his shit about her. he even had video and pics he took at a celion dion concert. this dude was the real deal. my gut reaction was to mock him, mock him heavily. surely there's no greater crime to all that is cool. i mean, it's celine dion.
and then i realized that i was being totally UNcool about the whole situation. i had taken the road of the elitist/hipster. i figured what i was into was way cooler than that and that instantly made me too cool compared to the uncoolness it takes to dig celine dion's music.
but hipsters and elitists are wrong... and so was i. it's alright to like the newest, hippest, most undergroundest band... but only if you really enjoy it. and if you do, awesome. but if you're only in it cuz that's where the cool kids are at, then you're uncool all the way.
everyone wants to mock the poseur. and they should! nothing's worse than a fake. but the second worst thing to be is some douchey elitist who thinks they can look down on someone else cuz they dig something that you think is atrocious (in this case, celine dion).
i was guilty of doing the uncoolest thing. i mocked and judged someone who was perfectly comfortable with being a celine dion fan.
so what's cool? cool is liking what you like, cuz you like it, and being 100% comfortable about it. it's a level of honesty with yourself, and not giving a fuck what anyone thinks about it.
so if you wanna judge celine dion fans, and scream about how much they suck, go right ahead. but all you're doing is letting your insecurites shine loud for all to see. some people become so consumed with being cool, that they put all this science and math into it... and if you don't follow the same science and math, surely you're uncool.
but.... it's not that complicated. the math is really simple:
like what you like cuz you like it + don't be a douchebag = being cool.
if you catch me mocking celine dion fans, i give you full permission to go ahead and slap the uncool right out of me.
i'd like to consider myself cool. but when i start to put too much thought into it, i start to question myself, what exactly makes someone cool?
i met a dude recently who digs celine dion. a dude who up till that point i thought was a cool fucker. as soon as i learned about the celine dion thing, my opinion started to change. i wanted to believe that he was joking about it. he didn't seem the type. i had this stereotype about celine fans that for the most part, they're either housewives, gay dudes, or weirdos from europe.
he wasn't kidding. he was serious. he knew his shit about her. he even had video and pics he took at a celion dion concert. this dude was the real deal. my gut reaction was to mock him, mock him heavily. surely there's no greater crime to all that is cool. i mean, it's celine dion.
and then i realized that i was being totally UNcool about the whole situation. i had taken the road of the elitist/hipster. i figured what i was into was way cooler than that and that instantly made me too cool compared to the uncoolness it takes to dig celine dion's music.
but hipsters and elitists are wrong... and so was i. it's alright to like the newest, hippest, most undergroundest band... but only if you really enjoy it. and if you do, awesome. but if you're only in it cuz that's where the cool kids are at, then you're uncool all the way.
everyone wants to mock the poseur. and they should! nothing's worse than a fake. but the second worst thing to be is some douchey elitist who thinks they can look down on someone else cuz they dig something that you think is atrocious (in this case, celine dion).
i was guilty of doing the uncoolest thing. i mocked and judged someone who was perfectly comfortable with being a celine dion fan.
so what's cool? cool is liking what you like, cuz you like it, and being 100% comfortable about it. it's a level of honesty with yourself, and not giving a fuck what anyone thinks about it.
so if you wanna judge celine dion fans, and scream about how much they suck, go right ahead. but all you're doing is letting your insecurites shine loud for all to see. some people become so consumed with being cool, that they put all this science and math into it... and if you don't follow the same science and math, surely you're uncool.
but.... it's not that complicated. the math is really simple:
like what you like cuz you like it + don't be a douchebag = being cool.
if you catch me mocking celine dion fans, i give you full permission to go ahead and slap the uncool right out of me.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
a dude in defense of valentine's day
my view on valentine's day up till this year was one of disapproval. i was of the opinion that it was a bs holiday created by hallmark and other greeting card, chocolate, and flower companies. my view was that the purpose of its creation was to guilt men into spending money on their significant others or else face the consequences of being labeled a no good dude who doesn't buy his special lady stuff on v-day.
but i've been doing some thinking as of late, and my opinion has changed a little.
a lot of guys have been spending the past 6 months parked on their sofas watching football all weekend. and just when the ladies thought they were gonna get some monday night attention, boom, monday night football was there to prove otherwise. the nfl has expanded its schedule and now even has thursday night games. then there's ncaa games that pop up on all sorts of random days. when there's no game, there's sports center and highlight shows and fantasy teams that can't be neglected. it's tough to show attention to the ladies when your favorite squad of millionaires are fighting for a playoff spot.
and unlike baseball, basketball, and hockey, there's no all star break in the middle of the football season. at least the other sports acknowledge this crisis and give you a break somewhere in the middle of the season by taking a hiatus and presenting a game of all stars that no one takes serious. they provide men with a good chance to step away and show our significant others a good time (kudos to the NBA who's all star break is currently the same weekend as valentine's day).
the nfl is relentless. no all star game till the season's over. no break. no opportunity.
so to all the dudes who are sports fans and are eagerly waiting for the beginning of baseball... take this chance during a lull in sports to treat your woman right! no one takes the winter olympics seriously so this won't work as an alibi. get off your ass and take your woman out! buy her stuff, do what she wants, listen to her talk, and give her your undivided attention! it's the least you can do for your awesome woman who stood by your side while you and your friends pigged out on buffalo wings and chugged beer for the past 6 months.
happy valentine's day ladies!
but i've been doing some thinking as of late, and my opinion has changed a little.
a lot of guys have been spending the past 6 months parked on their sofas watching football all weekend. and just when the ladies thought they were gonna get some monday night attention, boom, monday night football was there to prove otherwise. the nfl has expanded its schedule and now even has thursday night games. then there's ncaa games that pop up on all sorts of random days. when there's no game, there's sports center and highlight shows and fantasy teams that can't be neglected. it's tough to show attention to the ladies when your favorite squad of millionaires are fighting for a playoff spot.
and unlike baseball, basketball, and hockey, there's no all star break in the middle of the football season. at least the other sports acknowledge this crisis and give you a break somewhere in the middle of the season by taking a hiatus and presenting a game of all stars that no one takes serious. they provide men with a good chance to step away and show our significant others a good time (kudos to the NBA who's all star break is currently the same weekend as valentine's day).
the nfl is relentless. no all star game till the season's over. no break. no opportunity.
so to all the dudes who are sports fans and are eagerly waiting for the beginning of baseball... take this chance during a lull in sports to treat your woman right! no one takes the winter olympics seriously so this won't work as an alibi. get off your ass and take your woman out! buy her stuff, do what she wants, listen to her talk, and give her your undivided attention! it's the least you can do for your awesome woman who stood by your side while you and your friends pigged out on buffalo wings and chugged beer for the past 6 months.
happy valentine's day ladies!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
how to be the best best man you can be (an easy to follow checklist)
my brother, phil, graciously made me the best man for his wedding this past weekend. thanks phil! that was awesome! being best man is an honor. it should be taken seriously. you don't want to fuck this up! follow my checklist for an excellent and rewarding best man experience:
1- look sharp (this is easy for the dudes. you'll need 3 things: rented tux, fresh haircut, fresh shave... go ahead, i DARE you not to look sharp).
2- get a sexy date (i lucked out on this step since i coincidentally have a sexy girlfriend).
3- party your ass off! at the wedding, before the wedding, after the wedding.
4- dance your ass off!
5- indulge! there's an open bar and a buffet for a reason.
6- don't buy under aged kids drinks (you got the rest of your life to corrupt minors. but for tonight, you are the best man so don't be that guy).
7- be clutch. if a wedding is a football game, you're the field goal kicker. they may not ask you for much, but what they do ask you for is important and cannot be fucked up!
8- don't take pictures, be the pictures. (everyone else has cameras. there's even a couple dudes running around paid good money to take pictures).
9- don't be a buzz kill!!!
10- bring it for the toast!! not only cuz every one's watching and listening, and not only cuz it's a good chance to ham it up a little, but mostly cuz it's a great chance to show the bride and groom your appreciation and love for both of them. and that is what being best man is really all about.
1- look sharp (this is easy for the dudes. you'll need 3 things: rented tux, fresh haircut, fresh shave... go ahead, i DARE you not to look sharp).
2- get a sexy date (i lucked out on this step since i coincidentally have a sexy girlfriend).
3- party your ass off! at the wedding, before the wedding, after the wedding.
4- dance your ass off!
5- indulge! there's an open bar and a buffet for a reason.
6- don't buy under aged kids drinks (you got the rest of your life to corrupt minors. but for tonight, you are the best man so don't be that guy).
7- be clutch. if a wedding is a football game, you're the field goal kicker. they may not ask you for much, but what they do ask you for is important and cannot be fucked up!
8- don't take pictures, be the pictures. (everyone else has cameras. there's even a couple dudes running around paid good money to take pictures).
9- don't be a buzz kill!!!
10- bring it for the toast!! not only cuz every one's watching and listening, and not only cuz it's a good chance to ham it up a little, but mostly cuz it's a great chance to show the bride and groom your appreciation and love for both of them. and that is what being best man is really all about.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
i won't blog about work
i'll never blog about work. no matter what happens, how funny, how traumatic, how awesome, or how tragic... work related junk will never make it to my blog.
it's not that i hate my job. in fact, it's almost the exact opposite. the thing is, i like having a job. it's my bread and butter and it helps to keep clothes on my back, my belly full, and the bills paid. it's a pretty sweet deal and i don't wanna fuck that up.
i don't wanna slip and write something that's in conflict of interest with my employment. maybe i'll slip a slur against a boss or co-worker (i love you guys, all of you, yes even the smelly one!!!). maybe i'll say something proprietary or complain about something i shouldn't. i don't think many important people at my job read my blog, but hey, you never know. if i was them, i'd read it. gotta be more interesting than boring corporate memos.
it's too bad. i got a ton of great work related shit to write about. oh well, guess you'll never know..... unless..... well, the only way i could blog about work is if you all make me really, really famous! then i can be rich, quit my job, and write a tell all book that i could sell for the low, low price of $45.99.
*in case i do get famous, don't hold me to the whole writing a book thing. i'm way too lazy for that.
**however, if i do get famous, here's 3 promises you can hold me to:
-i'll live somewhere warm all the time
-my place will be cleaner cuz i'll pay someone to clean it
-i still won't dress fancy-like
***i did a spell check and didn't mess up proprietary. go me.
it's not that i hate my job. in fact, it's almost the exact opposite. the thing is, i like having a job. it's my bread and butter and it helps to keep clothes on my back, my belly full, and the bills paid. it's a pretty sweet deal and i don't wanna fuck that up.
i don't wanna slip and write something that's in conflict of interest with my employment. maybe i'll slip a slur against a boss or co-worker (i love you guys, all of you, yes even the smelly one!!!). maybe i'll say something proprietary or complain about something i shouldn't. i don't think many important people at my job read my blog, but hey, you never know. if i was them, i'd read it. gotta be more interesting than boring corporate memos.
it's too bad. i got a ton of great work related shit to write about. oh well, guess you'll never know..... unless..... well, the only way i could blog about work is if you all make me really, really famous! then i can be rich, quit my job, and write a tell all book that i could sell for the low, low price of $45.99.
*in case i do get famous, don't hold me to the whole writing a book thing. i'm way too lazy for that.
**however, if i do get famous, here's 3 promises you can hold me to:
-i'll live somewhere warm all the time
-my place will be cleaner cuz i'll pay someone to clean it
-i still won't dress fancy-like
***i did a spell check and didn't mess up proprietary. go me.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
unsung heroes (fireman ed on my shoulders)
this is fireman ed:
he's sorta a big deal in jets nation. he's the #1 fan and a real life mascot for the new york jets. whenever you watch a game and you hear the "J-E-T-S, JETS, JETS, JETS!!!" chant, it's fireman ed who's leading the charge. if you go to the games, you'll see him on the big screen, his bald, screaming face up close and personal for thousands of fans to see.
this dude gets tons of exposure. he's famous among jets fans and football fans in general. love him or hate him, his name is known. he's probably the world's most famous sports fan.
at every game, to help be seen, fireman ed sits atop the shoulders of another man. a man who's name i don't know and never heard. a man who's never been referred to by name. he's just the dude who carries fireman ed on his shoulders. he is an unsung hero.
i went to the jets pep rally in the middle of times square last week. and fireman ed got to give a speech! that's right! a fan!! a fan got to give a speech in the middle of the world, times square, new york!!! he was giving a speech alongside the likes of mayor bloomberg, gov. paterson, leon washington, and maybe the greatest jets player of all time, curtis martin.
he got the opening slot to get the crowd going. when they introduced him, he was carried up a flight of stairs onto the stage by who else but our nameless, unsung hero. he walked fireman ed up the stairs on his shoulders and fireman ed stayed on this dude's shoulder for his whole speech (probably like 3-4 minutes). but imagine looking out at a crowd dying to give fireman ed their undying adoration as they scream "J-E-T-S!!" back at that stage. and there he is, quiet and humble, never saying a word.
this one's for you, dude who carries fireman ed on your shoulder. i don't know anything about you. but without you, fireman ed would just be another big mouthed fan in the crowd. it's you who helps him rise above the masses and be seen. you are truly an unsung hero.
he's sorta a big deal in jets nation. he's the #1 fan and a real life mascot for the new york jets. whenever you watch a game and you hear the "J-E-T-S, JETS, JETS, JETS!!!" chant, it's fireman ed who's leading the charge. if you go to the games, you'll see him on the big screen, his bald, screaming face up close and personal for thousands of fans to see.
this dude gets tons of exposure. he's famous among jets fans and football fans in general. love him or hate him, his name is known. he's probably the world's most famous sports fan.
at every game, to help be seen, fireman ed sits atop the shoulders of another man. a man who's name i don't know and never heard. a man who's never been referred to by name. he's just the dude who carries fireman ed on his shoulders. he is an unsung hero.
i went to the jets pep rally in the middle of times square last week. and fireman ed got to give a speech! that's right! a fan!! a fan got to give a speech in the middle of the world, times square, new york!!! he was giving a speech alongside the likes of mayor bloomberg, gov. paterson, leon washington, and maybe the greatest jets player of all time, curtis martin.
he got the opening slot to get the crowd going. when they introduced him, he was carried up a flight of stairs onto the stage by who else but our nameless, unsung hero. he walked fireman ed up the stairs on his shoulders and fireman ed stayed on this dude's shoulder for his whole speech (probably like 3-4 minutes). but imagine looking out at a crowd dying to give fireman ed their undying adoration as they scream "J-E-T-S!!" back at that stage. and there he is, quiet and humble, never saying a word.
this one's for you, dude who carries fireman ed on your shoulder. i don't know anything about you. but without you, fireman ed would just be another big mouthed fan in the crowd. it's you who helps him rise above the masses and be seen. you are truly an unsung hero.
Friday, January 1, 2010
shameless self promotion
i just set up a wireless network in my house for my new net book i got for my birthday. i needed to come up with a name for my network. i wanted it to be something that sounds or seems semi-interesting. all the other networks i saw out there had boring names and i wanted to add something animated to the blah landscape. for the most part everyone else named their networks with their own name or the last name of their family (the one exception was GOSTEELERS... whatever front runner). YOU'RE ALL BORING!!! put a little thought and creativity into it!
being the shameless self promoter that i tend to be at times, i chose to name my wireless network after my blogspot. so when you see my network, you'll see:
GOTOJOSHAINTFUNNYBLOGSPOTCOM
unfortunately i couldn't put "." in between the words, so it's just one big, jumbled up, run on word... but i think people will get the picture. i'm sure this form of self promotion will send the traffic over to my blogspot in hordes. i can't wait! i'm sure i'll see witty comments like:
"HEY! UNLOCK YOUR NETWORK SO I CAN STEAL SOME OF YOUR BANDWIDTH DOUCHE BAG!"
or
"YOUR WIRELESS NETWORK NAME BLOWS!"
y'know, top notch literature in the form of internet blurbs.
in closing, i feel like i did an excellent job in naming my wireless network. let's hope i'm still this good if i ever have to name children (some of my current ideas for child names include Ninja, Robot, and Boxtrotriotfest).
ps- i can't afford a billboard......
pps- i am accepting donations for the whole billboard thing, which i will probably end up spending on booze! either way, it's a good cause, so loosen up them pockets tight wad!)
ppps- i'll try to never use a ppps in any of my blogs ever again.
being the shameless self promoter that i tend to be at times, i chose to name my wireless network after my blogspot. so when you see my network, you'll see:
GOTOJOSHAINTFUNNYBLOGSPOTCOM
unfortunately i couldn't put "." in between the words, so it's just one big, jumbled up, run on word... but i think people will get the picture. i'm sure this form of self promotion will send the traffic over to my blogspot in hordes. i can't wait! i'm sure i'll see witty comments like:
"HEY! UNLOCK YOUR NETWORK SO I CAN STEAL SOME OF YOUR BANDWIDTH DOUCHE BAG!"
or
"YOUR WIRELESS NETWORK NAME BLOWS!"
y'know, top notch literature in the form of internet blurbs.
in closing, i feel like i did an excellent job in naming my wireless network. let's hope i'm still this good if i ever have to name children (some of my current ideas for child names include Ninja, Robot, and Boxtrotriotfest).
ps- i can't afford a billboard......
pps- i am accepting donations for the whole billboard thing, which i will probably end up spending on booze! either way, it's a good cause, so loosen up them pockets tight wad!)
ppps- i'll try to never use a ppps in any of my blogs ever again.
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