a running relapse

a couple weeks ago i quit running. not forever, but i was going to take a break. it was for all the wrong reasons and in hindsight it all seems stupid. but caught up in that moment, it made perfect sense. anyone who knows me at least semi-well knows that i'm a runner. i run frequently and i enjoy it. and yet, i had suddenly found myself in an odd mood that was a departure from the usual run-lovin' josh.

i got caught up in body image. i started running about six years ago, and about six months in, i'd started to hear people tell me i was looking skinny. sometimes people would tell me i was too skinny. i've even been called sickly a few times. i never let it get to me, ever. i always figured if i felt great and i felt healthy, then who cares about how others outside of this body perceived me?

but over the years i suppose it got to me. here i was spending a lot of time in gyms, surrounded by dudes with a lot more muscle mass than myself, wondering to myself that maybe i am supposed to look more like them. maybe i'm doing this wrong. maybe i'm running too much. and once i had collected enough self doubt to bury myself under, i quit running.

i was only gonna take a short break. i figured i'd quit for a bit but still keep up with my other exercise routines and the muscle mass would fly on. i'd look bigger and meaner and people would take notice and then i'd go back to running. then i'd be okay.

but as a few days of the new routine passed, i began to feel silly. i missed running. i missed what it was for me. every run was a test of my own inner strength. every run was a chance to drop everything and get away and come back stronger. every run was a chance to be in my own perfect solitude. even though i was still exercising, i still left lazy and incomplete... which is pretty much exactly how i felt the first time i lifted myself off my couch and went for my first run six years ago.

i'm a runner. i want to run until i die or at least until the point where my body won't allow it anymore. i hope i never find myself in this situation again because i felt utterly compromised by the world outside of me. it's my fault for not being strong enough to fight off the noise, but once i caved in, i felt like a hack, a sellout, a quitter. i don't run for anyone else. i do this for me. that's the way it's been since day one, that first day when i came back from a run out of breath and drenched in sweat and all i could think was, 'i can't wait to do this again tomorrow.'

i don't know if i'm running too much. i don't know if there's a such thing. maybe i am supposed to have more muscle mass. what i learned over the course of a couple weeks is that a lot of that stuff doesn't matter to me. i dove into a trove of internet articles. all i found were articles that supported all sides of any debate. if my research proved anything, it's that nobody seems to know for sure what's right when it comes to a fitness routine or a diet plan. but i do know this, i feel better as a runner. it makes me feel like a better and healthier person. it brings me a sense of satisfaction that i can't get anywhere else. that's all the science i need.