you are what you buy other people (a holiday message)

just remember, when it comes to christmas and the entire holiday season, you are totally what you buy other people and everyone is judging you based on the presents you buy them. so please, if there's someone in your life that you need high forms of validation from, i implore you to go out and get them the biggest, baddest gift you can find them. get them two of 'em. because if you don't, they'll like you less than they did yesterday and you will have a sadder 2014 as a result.

if the collective culture we get to share with one another can be called anything in one word, it's shallow. so let it shine. this is the big payoff. this will be for every store line and traffic jam you gutted out, for every asshole you had to curse out in public, for every early morning store stampede you participated in, for every child you pretended you didn't see but you really did so you bumped into them as you walked by them real fast with not even an apology because you saw register 4 was about to open up with the uninterested youngster who just came in for the night shift.

the days of thoughtfulness are over. if we were thoughtful people, we'd sit around in a circle by the fire singing, 'kumbaya,' and writing each other poems. how lame does that sound? nobody wants sonnets. you can't brag about sonnets to all your coworkers. people want flat screen tv's and kitchen appliances that cook only one specific thing that you'll probably only make three times in your life.

and please, please don't bring up the "meaning" of christmas. we've all seen the charlie brown christmas special. we all know where all that sentimental crap gets you, the saddest looking tree in the christmas tree contest. it's cute in a cartoon but in real life it sends out a, 'i think he's spending all his money on drugs,' vibe. we all work way too hard for this opportunity to show off and to try and outdo all other gift givers out there.

and if you even think of buying someone a gift card, all i can say is, how dare you. that's basically the equivalent of giving someone else a chore to do. here you go person i only sorta care about a little, go out to the store and buy something yourself. you couldn't be bothered with the mayhem. where is your christmas spirit?? people died for this (in tragic black friday store tramplings). we can't allow their deaths to be in vain. the show must go on.