don't touch me bro

it usually happens at bars or at parties or get-togethers or wherever there might be a gathering of dudes. guys always wanna get bromantic during conversation and reach out and touch me somehow. sometimes they'll do something like pat the side of my shoulder, or if they're beside me, pat my back. or maybe they do that slight back slap to my chest or rub the top of my head (although that's challenging considering my 6'7" stature). sometimes they wanna high five constantly... or sometimes their high five/greeting is just way too damn long. it'll be a slap of the hands and then you bring it in for a quick hug and then you keep the hands clenched and maybe you shake them or maybe you let go and then fist bump.

and most of the time, this happens with dudes i don't know very well. it's usually bros. you know the type, jockish, probably were in a frat in college, maybe they pump their fist to music, almost definitely purchased spanish fly at some point in their life. i don't know if this derives from sports or something??? cuz sometimes i watch sports and it seems like two heterosexual dudes are suddenly okay with smacking each other's asses in this setting. and maybe that somehow translates to the bros that it's okay to get touchy with your fellow dudes, cuz there's nothing wrong with that, just two straight dudes having typical straight dude conversation by touching each other in nonsexual ways constantly.

it's usually the kind of bros who are the first to call something they don't like 'gay,' or drop the word 'faggot' in mid conversation like it's no big deal at all. it's usually the type of bros that are trying their hardest to let all their masculinity show in public. it's usually the most homophobic of the bros that get down with the weird touching stuff during conversation.

listen bros, not sure what's going on here but i'd appreciate it if you stop touching me. it's not cool. i don't know who told you it is. you're attacking my personal bubble. i have not time (or credentials for that matter) to psychoanalyze your issues. but if you're gonna be the bro who has to touch me in some odd manner every 30-60 seconds during a conversation, go fist pump your way somewhere else. go find another bro who'll do the right thing and reciprocate your awkward touching with awkward touching of his own.