it's cold in the fortress of solitude

i live in an apartment where i don't have the luxury to control the heat. usually that's not such a bad thing. the heat's almost always on when it's cold.. and when it's on, it's fucking hot in here. so there's usually no cold to complain about once i'm indoors.

but things tend to get a little sketchy during the transitional seasons. it was really nice the past couple of days... the kinda nice that makes you think winter and cold fronts are gone till late november. but then today happened... and today is cold. and it's only getting colder as it gets later.

and as of this post, still no heat. maybe it'll turn on eventually.. but i'm not sure so i'll plan for the rest of the night like it's not gonna turn on.

so tonight will probably be the kind of night that i wear a hoodie and wrap myself up in a blanket and lay around the house trying my best to make due with what i got and be thankful that i'm not homeless i suppose. better to have four walls than none.... right?

i'll drink cups of hot tea and think about how it's not so bad... i got cable to occupy my mind. i'm entertained. i'll get through this. i'm not some savage living some savage lifestyle. so there'll be no 'whoa is me' or pity parade on my own behalf.

cuz no matter what, i'm home. this is where i recharge my battery. eventually i'll fall asleep and i'll get a good night's sleep and it'll be awesome (i'm also really fucking tired and beat... i didn't get much sleep last night, making tonight's eventual sleeping session that much sweeter).

and i've begun to refer to my apartment as the fortress of solitude... only to myself... i don't actually say that shit to other people (until now i suppose). i remember when i first moved out... all i ever wanted to do was invite people over, hang out, party, never be alone.

that song's changed a whole lot over the years. just the other day i threw out my ashtrays... all of them. it was a pretty symbolic moment for me. i didn't once think, 'what if i have smokers over?' fuck 'em if they wanna smoke. they can step outside or they can not come over at all.

cuz this is my apartment damn it. and i'm gonna be comfortable in my own damn way cuz it's my home. so many times i've had people over and woken up the next day to the whole place reeking of cigarette smoke... i quit smoking cigarettes six years ago.. i should never have to deal with my home smelling of cigarette ever again. i'm free from those shackles, fuck the rest of you all!

but this isn't meant to be some big anti-smoking rant. this is more about me and how i like things to be and not compromising that. i guess i'm just trying to say that over the years i've learned to enjoy my down time... alone time... time by myself. it gets me centered... helps me refocus and get my shit together for the next time i leave my apartment and face the world. i don't enjoy company like i used to. i don't want to host a party or after hours anymore. and it's crazy, cuz i used to love that shit! but it's faded. usually when i'm home now, i'd just rather be alone... keep all my social activities elsewhere in the outside world.

my apartment's kinda crappy.... and i'll find a new one (hopefully sooner than later), and tonight i'll probably be cold... but it's still home. and i still know for a fact that tonight i'll be totally comfortable in my own skin all by myself, recharging my battery, with no worries at all about waking up basking in the odor of stale cigarette.