a letter from jenny

to whomever it may concern,

i'm guilty of letting a man love me, not only love me, but love me with everything he had from the bottom of his heart. he knew what love was, that's for sure. and in many ways, i was amazed how a man like this could possibly know more about love than me.

i didn't love him back in the same manner, not like how he loved me. but i was never clear about it. he was a brother to me. we grew up together, side by side. we were inseparable as kids and this would lay a foundation for something unbreakable for the rest of my life.

and believe me, unbreakable it was. i tried my hardest to break it. i wanted to destroy it. not just it, not just him, not just his undying love for me... it was a small part of the bigger problem. i wanted to burn my past. so i burnt bridges and ran across the country till i finally felt free.

along the way i found many like minded people. we were all runners, sprinting from our pasts. now we could be whoever we wanted to be and it felt free and it felt great. and everything that had ever happened before was no more.

the past is funny though. when you think you have it buried and out of sight, it finds its way into your present. i would run into him many times in my life, at the oddest places and moments. and though he was part of the past i burned, he was also the only thing i ever enjoyed of the past and when i'd see him my heart would skip beats.

every time we ran into each other throughout the years, we would rediscover our bond and warm memories would come to me and i'd think about how this man was the only good thing i ever had at one time in my life.

one time along the way i tried to let him be something more. i thought i could settle down and finally call a place home. and for just a little while it was nice.

and then he asked me to marry him. i turned back into the runner i knew i always would be.

nine months later i bore his child. he didn't know and i couldn't get in touch to tell him. turns out he was a runner too. my latest departure from his life was the gunshot he needed to hear to send him off.

years passed. i was finally able to get in touch with him. i asked to see him and he came to visit me. it was then that he met his son. i cried. i cried tears of true love. here we were all in the same room, father, mother and son... and i was complete.

and i was dying.

the happiest day of my life was the day i finally married that man. but my heart remains heavy knowing that i've finally found happiness and my time remaining here with him, with my son, with my family, is limited.

consider this my final testament. i don't know if there's a lesson to be learned. i don't know what to say that could possibly put a bow on this package and wrap it up nicely.

i'm finally complete and i'm dying.

forever and beyond,

jenny gump