the homeless guy outside of quick check

there's a homeless dude who's always outside of the local quick check doing the homeless thing. i have to see him almost everyday. and for some reason, i'm bothered by him. but i don't know if it's him personally that bothers me. i think he represents something bigger that i can't stand to acknowledge.

the only thing i slightly hold against him personally is when people walk past him, his usual statement is, "help the homeless please." him asking for money doesn't bother me, but it's his choice of words. it's as if he's trying to say that if i give him a dollar, i'm gonna help ALL the homeless. but the homeless problem is so much bigger than that.

i'm sure the dude himself is a nice enough fella. i don't have anything against homeless people. in fact i feel really bad for most homeless people. and that's where a lot of my issues with this one dude in particular start. he wants to be a representative for all the homeless? he already is in my life. he's the one homeless dude i have to see more than any other homeless person. whether he wants the role or not, he's already been crowned as my ambassador for the entire homeless population of the country.

i don't wanna look at homeless people and instantly feel bad for them. and i don't know if me saying and feeling that is good or bad. i can only base it on how i'd feel if people looked at me and their first thought was, 'i feel really bad for josh.' i don't want that.... ever. i don't care what the circumstances are. i don't like the idea of people laying their sympathies on me. it somehow makes me feel less than human.

but i know some people feel bad for others because they're nice people. they show concern for their fellow man. it's sorta a beautiful concept and yet i can't stand it.

and when i see homeless people, i think about how much i don't appreciate what i've got. i've totally taken so much in life for granted. i know i probably shouldn't size myself up against homeless people to feel like a success in life, but i can't help but notice that i have a home and they don't. that's really shitty for them and i should be in total appreciation that i have a warm place to go and call home. but i don't appreciate it as much as i should. i always catch myself bitching about this and that, but what i got is pretty good.

and homelessness can happen to anyone. i think you only need about 2-3 bad breaks in a row before anyone could find themselves out on the streets. the world can be cruel and before any of us know it, we could be down and out and forgotten. that's a scary concept to me.

so when i see the homeless guy outside of quick check, i'm filled with all these conflicting emotions. i feel bad for him but i hate that i feel bad for him because he's a human being with dignity that doesn't need my sympathies. i wish there was something that could be done to help improve his life dramatically and yet i look at him as a cautionary tale to keep my own shit together. i know he's a person like anyone else with some sorta pride inside and yet here he is swallowing it so he can ask me for a dollar.

and i'm reluctant to give him a dollar. if i give him a dollar, then i have to give every homeless person i see a dollar. and then all the sudden i've given out all my dollars and i have none of my own. and suddenly i'll find myself asking other people for a dollar. it's a viscous cycle i wanna avoid... selfish feelings of self preservation flow through me when i think about it. it makes me feel awful and yet logical at the same time.

but then sometimes i think, 'just give him a fucking dollar.' who knows? maybe the dude goes and gets a cup of hot coffee and it's the best moment of his day. i bet his appreciation for a hot cup of coffee totally outweighs mine. i'm always drinking coffee on the run... going to work or wherever, stop somewhere, get coffee while on the grind. i bet when he drinks a cup of coffee, his day stops and he truly enjoys the ever loving fuck out of that cup of joe.

but beyond a cup of coffee, who can really help him? who can really help ALL the homeless? if you were an employer, you wouldn't give this man a job. if you were a landlord, you wouldn't give this guy an apartment. where do they go? they can't even find square one. i'm sure if this dude had a chance to take a microsoft excel class and take my job, he'd do it... but that's not available to him. in many ways we're the same... both doing what we have to do for the sake of self preservation. all he's got is that quick check that never closes which provides him with several opportunities to seek survival.

some people may think he did something to deserve being homeless. and maybe he did. but that don't make shit right. we shouldn't ask, "what'd he do to become homeless?" the right question we should be asking is, "how do we help him not be homeless anymore?"

the homeless guy outside of quick check is not just a homeless guy. he's a beacon of despair. he's the symbol of all that is bad, wrong, and ugly in society. things are not all good. they never will be while he stands outside that quick check asking all of us, day after day, to help the homeless. and we all walk by too busy in our own lives. we're too busy to help the homeless cuz we're too busy trying not to be homeless ourselves. he's the product of our collective ugliness as a society. he's there everyday in our faces reminding us that shit's fucked up and we're all partially to blame.... every last one of us.