I saw conan o’brien!

If you don’t know, I’m a huge conan fan! And last night I had tickets to go see his live, ‘legally prohibited from being funny on tv’ tour at radio city music hall. it was awesome from beginning to end! I laughed my ass off surrounded by my fellow team coco brethren! It was a good night, one to definitely be remembered.

He pulled out some old tricks from the late night show that he didn't get to do on the tonight show, like the masturbating bear (which has been renamed to the ‘self-pleasuring panda’ due to legal issues) and the walker texas ranger lever. Conan was wacky, weird, witty, intelligent, self-deprecating, and funny as ever. it was a joy to see him with the leash a little loosened. He was stealing vodka from fans and drinking and cursing on stage (not overly vulgar, but he cursed a little which you’d never see on tv, and he even got the audience to call him a PUSSY in unison).

I’m not gonna go into super specifics of the show. I personally don’t like when people try too hard to describe something that’s inevitably going to end with, ‘I guess you had to be there.’ but it had everything a good show should have… laughs, music, special guests, an insult comic, fan participation and an all around good time!

It left me stoked for conan’s return to tv. His new tbs show will definitely be on the top of my dvr list.

In a selfish way, I’m glad this whole ‘tonight show’ dilemma happened to conan. I never took advantage of seeing his show live when he was in NYC. So as soon as I found out about this show (which wouldn’t have happened if he was still on the tonight show) I had to get tix for it! and I think I probably got a better experience than seeing a tv recording. It was a live performance in a theater, never to be televised. It’s like our own special experience that no one else can get in on.

In closing-
Conan’s the man! I could go on and on about the things that make him awesome. If I lived my life to only be half as awesome as conan o’ brien, I’d consider my life a total success!


ps- if you're interested in what people who were at the show thought- check out twitter and search #oldyolsen

as you came into the theater there were signs posting that stated if you were gonna tweet about the show, to use that hashtag. pretty cool.

i don't wanna be 'ahead of my time'

don't ever tell me i'm 'ahead of my time.'

it's a phrase i hear thrown around, for artists mostly. painters, musicians, writers, and so on die poor, miserable, and unknown only to be celebrated and loved years down the line. what a rip! what good is appreciation and adulation when you're dead?

if someone ever tells me i'm ahead of my time, i'm going to change all my material. all i'll ever write and talk about is how much people in the future suck. so fuck you people of the future that yet to exist! i'm not scared of you! you're all a bunch of no good motherfuckers!! and you can't do anything about it, cuz i'm dead! you can't argue and tell me i'm wrong. i win you bunch of incestuous bastards.

and if you even think of trying to bother me on a ouija board, i will pee on your board from the great beyond.

hats off to NASCAR

I spent a good portion of my life thinking low of NASCAR. I'm not sure if it's the 'yankee' in me who simply don't get it or maybe it's the idea of setting a fair amount of my time to the side to watch cars drive around in circles all day. The only excitement i could ever imagine coming from that would be an accident of some sort... which is an awful thing to sit around and hope for.

and much like country music, i get sick of hearing how it's the most popular thing in the country. they say country music's more popular than rock and roll and NASCAR's more popular than football. even if the facts back it up, i just don't wanna hear it. enjoying either can sometimes seem like such an alien concept to me. my stubbornness takes over and i refuse to accept it.

but i've decided to try and put the hate away. ok, so i don't enjoy it. but i don't gotta piss on everyone else that does. and from here on in i won't.

and if you think about the roots of NASCAR and stock car racing in general, it's hard not to dig the hell out of it, at least for its historical importance.

stock car racing comes from the times of Prohibition. alcohol's illegal so someones gotta supply the illegal juice to the masses. those were bootleggers. bootleggers would tweak their cars so they could drive faster. this would help when they would find themselves being chased by those dastardly, booze-hating, buzz kill cops.

at some point, people decided to have a little fun and race these cars against one another. who's got the faster car? who's better at the artful skill of outrunning the cops?

fast forward many decades. multiply the fans many times over. find advertisers and multiply them many times over and it turns into the major conglomerate that NASCAR happens to be today.

i don't think it's any coincidence that today we see beer companies pour tons of money into advertising with NASCAR to get their names and logos on race cars and uniforms. NASCAR and alcohol couldn't have a closer relationship unless the drivers were allowed to drink while on the job.

hats off to you NASCAR. a sport rich in tradition, built upon the foundation of America's love for booze. God bless America and God bless NASCAR. but most importantly, God bless booze!

why i'll never own a dog

i saw this dude walking his dog yesterday. it was raining a bit, a light drizzle really. the dude's dog does his business... poops on the sidewalk. instead of tending to it, the dog's owner just keeps walking, leaving a big ol' steaming pile of dog poop to melt in the rain.

i wanna say i can see where this dude's coming from, that i can see why he didn't pick the poop up. but i just don't. this dude should not own a dog if he's not ready to play by the rules.

the main reason owning a dog doesn't appeal to me is the maintenance issue. they're so much work. i know this sounds lazy... but i am what i am, and knowing that, i can't deal with no dog.

but the difference between me and this dude is that i at least had the foresight to know that i would end up being just like him. getting lazy, thinking, 'eh, forget it.' especially when it's raining.

and that's just not cool. i know poop sucks. there's no joy in it. but it's part of the sacrifice. if you're not willing to pick up poop off the floor in all sorts of weather and circumstances, then owning a dog is not for you.

the buzzcocks don't seem to be very punk rock these days

old school flyer:















TICKETMASTER INFO FOR A SHOW TOMORROW IN NYC:

Buzzcocks
The Fillmore New York at Irving Plaza, New York, NY
Thu, May 13, 2010 08:00 PM

Section
Description GA
PRICE LEVEL 1
STANDING RM ONLY*NO SEATING! TypeFull Price TicketTicket PriceUS $29.50 x 1 Price Details Convenience ChargeUS $12.00 x 1
SUBTOTALUS $41.50


THAT'S MINUS THE DEAD KENNEDYS!!!
i rest my case.

the 'take a nap' manifesto (join the revolution!)

there's not enough napping anymore in society, and that's a major problem. we live in a world that's always on your back pressuring you to do more and get more accomplished. dig more holes! crunch more numbers! multitask! overtime! go the extra mile! and when you're totally tapped, exhausted, and ready to quit for the sake of your own sanity, go chug down one of them there energy drinks that the market is overflowing with at the moment. a whole section of your local corner store is dedicated to beverages to support your overworked, sleep deprived lifestyle.

and doing more always somehow seems to be the answer. can't pay the bills? get a second job! unforeseen medical expenses? work overtime! don't feel good about your status at the work place? spend every waking hour there busting your hump! and whatever you do, don't ever let your boss(es), teacher(s), superior(s), peers, and significant other(s) ever get the impression that your plate is full. always ask for more! you gotta be the most productive worker bee you can be for the queen of whatever hive you may be in at the moment. it might be work, school, home, etc..... bottom line:

sleep less! do more!

there's something not very comforting about this concept.

take the power back!! JOIN THE REVOLUTION!!! TAKE A NAP!!!

don't think a nap will do the trick? i DARE you to prove me wrong! i dare you to take a nap in the middle of the day and wake up and NOT feel good about it!

TAKE A NAP!! and go home on time, maybe even leave early! forget about the extra mile, get reacquainted with your bed.

some people say, 'i don't need to sleep, i'll sleep when i'm dead.' i say you'll be dead a lot sooner than you think if you don't sleep right. you need sleep. you and everyone else. no one is above this law! NO ONE!!

take a nap and take it easy!! you're in control of shit here!! don't let everyone else set your schedule for you. fuck 'em all over and take a nap.

for any soul who feels overworked, stressed out, or just plain ol' tired.... the fix is there! it's waiting for you!

i envision a future of napping humans. a way more relaxed, easy going humanity. change is possible. the future can be great. it all starts with you.

GO!!! TAKE A NAP... NOW!!!

the customer is always right / 'going cvs'

the customer is always right.

WRONG!!!

that's bs! that's bs of the highest caliber. it's sayings like this that allow customers to think they're entitled to think like this in the first place, which leads them to walk all over those who work in a soul crushing combat zone known as customer service.

this may be just one of many rants i ever do on asshole customers. this one is inspired by one individual in particular... one dude i encountered at a cvs last night who reminded me of all the other assholes who ever made me feel worthless cuz they wanted to sit on their 'i'm the customer' holier than thou pedestal.

i don't know the dude's name. all i can tell you is that he was a chubby, middle-aged asshole who shops around cvs with a small suitcase on wheels. he first grabbed my attention while i was standing in line. he was at the cashier and all of a sudden i hear him say, 'noooooooooo, i'm not mean, i'm assertive!'

ugh... just like that i filed this douche in the a-hole file.

then some dude behind him, another customer, waiting in line, asks a cashier about a big bag of m and m's that were misplaced in a bin that said '75 cents' on it. so he's like, 'is this 75 cents?'

a cashier at a different register says, 'oh no, sorry, someone put that there by mistake.'

out of nowhere mr. assertive decided to butt in on the convo. 'well that's too bad! it's marked 75 cents, so that's what it is! that's the law!'

now i know some people, maybe even most people will say this dude has a point, and he does. but it's not what he's saying that bothers me, but how he presents it. he butted in on someone else's convo just so he could condescend all up on a kid behind a cash register.

and it's how he ended his statement. 'that's the law!'

my imagination ran wild. i wanted to butt in myself... shit, i wanted to be the cashier... but i remained silent. but this is what i wanted to say:

'it's the LAW? oh yeah mr. assertive? is that a fact? why don't you use your assertiveness and go get yourself an officer then. cuz no one's getting these m and m's for 75 cents, not tonight, not on my watch. go get a cop and arrest me for breaking this precious LAW. since you know so much about the law, maybe you should take me to court. go get yourself a lawyer and take me to court for this awful, awful crime. shit! maybe when the case is over, you'll finally get your 75 cent bag of m and m's! then you could say i told you so and i could say congratulations!'

during my wild day dream, the manager eventually came over and sided with the customers. evil prevails again.

i go into this cvs a lot and this is just one small example of the awful verbal abuse i hear cvs employees take on a daily basis. the people that work there are nice people. i know shit ain't perfect when you go into a cvs. but the people that work there are trying their best to stand there for 8 hours with a smile. be a decent human being.... if something ain't right, approach them like human beings... not like they're less than you. and if you insist you must treat them like crap, may you run into the one who goes postal... so postal that they change the term 'going postal' to 'going cvs.'

'oh shit, did you see that??? he just got all cvs on your ass!' i think that has a good ring to it!