shameless self promotion

i just set up a wireless network in my house for my new net book i got for my birthday. i needed to come up with a name for my network. i wanted it to be something that sounds or seems semi-interesting. all the other networks i saw out there had boring names and i wanted to add something animated to the blah landscape. for the most part everyone else named their networks with their own name or the last name of their family (the one exception was GOSTEELERS... whatever front runner). YOU'RE ALL BORING!!! put a little thought and creativity into it!

being the shameless self promoter that i tend to be at times, i chose to name my wireless network after my blogspot. so when you see my network, you'll see:

GOTOJOSHAINTFUNNYBLOGSPOTCOM

unfortunately i couldn't put "." in between the words, so it's just one big, jumbled up, run on word... but i think people will get the picture. i'm sure this form of self promotion will send the traffic over to my blogspot in hordes. i can't wait! i'm sure i'll see witty comments like:

"HEY! UNLOCK YOUR NETWORK SO I CAN STEAL SOME OF YOUR BANDWIDTH DOUCHE BAG!"

or

"YOUR WIRELESS NETWORK NAME BLOWS!"

y'know, top notch literature in the form of internet blurbs.

in closing, i feel like i did an excellent job in naming my wireless network. let's hope i'm still this good if i ever have to name children (some of my current ideas for child names include Ninja, Robot, and Boxtrotriotfest).


ps- i can't afford a billboard......

pps- i am accepting donations for the whole billboard thing, which i will probably end up spending on booze! either way, it's a good cause, so loosen up them pockets tight wad!)

ppps- i'll try to never use a ppps in any of my blogs ever again.

the end of christmas!! (Dec 25th ain't so bad!!)

bah humbug!

well, not really. i'm not a total grinch when it comes to this time of year.

i don't like christmas. but i do like december 25th. and i totally don't think they're the same thing.

christmas is supposed to be a birthday for jesus christ. the party has obviously gotten out of hand. it's turned into the only birthday i know of where everyone except the birthday boy gets gifts (you'd think that totally sucks if it happened on your birthday).

if you don't want to celebrate jesus's birthday, then i don't think you should celebrate christmas.

but if you still feel like celebrating something, then by all means go ahead! just call it something else, like... i don't know... december 25th?? and try not to ruin it for the rest of us. i don't see any reason why grown adults should be buying each other gifts. we didn't do anything to deserve it. just take that $25 you were about to spend on me, keep it for yourself, and buy yourself something nice, and i'll do the same. deal? i hope so (tis the season for hope).

gift giving to kids is still acceptable. gifts make kids happy and everyone likes happy kids. so keep on with the gift giving for kids! and keep on with the great, far fetched fable of a man who travels the world in one night to deliver it to them. if you wanna blow tons of money on your children just to not get credit for it in the end, then that's totally cool with me.

i don't wanna suck all the joy out of this day. i actually like december 25th. so keep on with it! there's usually get togethers with family and friends, awesome food, drinks, good convo, laughter, good sports games on tv, lights, decorations, egg nog, and happy children! so many reasons to keep december 25th going, so go for it!

and on that note, i hope everyone had a great december 25th!! many more happy december 25th's to all!

dear ticketmaster, you're full of shit!

dear ticketmaster,

the last few times i've purchased tickets on your website, i've noticed that you've directed me to a screen that allows me the opportunity to donate to a charitable cause. usually you have 4-5 causes to choose from. that seems awfully considerate of you, but i just can't get it out of my head that you're really just an inconsiderate company that's full of shit.

i could go on and on about your travesties as a company. you damn near have a monopoly on the ticket market. yeah, i've heard of ticketweb and brown paper tickets, but let's be honest, no one's got shit on ticketmaster. you're the coca-cola of the ticket industry, and you got no pepsi's around you to threaten you, just a couple of rc cola's (no diss to rc cola, you make a perfectly tasty cola beverage).

and what is it you're selling? tickets to be entertained, usually to be entertained by millionaires. be it rock stars, actors, or athletes, most tickets are sold to hard working, middle class people who are shelling out their hard earned dough to escape from their lives for a bit and be entertained by millionaires.

and what do you do? you put ridiculous "convenience" fees on your tickets, on top of what is most likely an inflated price already. i'm sure your profit margin was fine before your "convenience" fee.

but let's just pretend this "convenience" fee is necessary. if you're feeling so charitable, ticketmaster, why don't you donate our "convenience" fees to said charities. now that would be real "CONVENIENCE."

or maybe you just like to rob us of a few more hard earned dollars so you can write a check to charity with ticketmaster's name on it instead of mine.

fuck you ticketmaster....

oh and i need two tix for the bon jovi concert... thanx!!

zombie apocalypse vs. robot apocalypse

two apocalypses enter,only one apocalypse leaves.

there can be no zombie apocalypse AND robot apocalypse. only one will be crowned the true apocalypse.

this fight is a classic first round knock out embarrassment. zombie apocalypse stands no chance. it's jaw is made of glass. in fact, the robot apocalypse would like you to think that the zombie apocalypse is a contender amongst the highest ranks of possible world and/or species ending threats.

in actuality, the zombie apocalypse is nothing more than a smokescreen created by the robots that want to end our existence. shocked? allow me to explain.

the robots and the computers are one and the same. they run shit. they run shit right now. not tomorrow, not next year, they run shit now. they ran shit yesterday, last year, last decade, and they will continue to run shit.

we, human beings, are partly to blame. we invented things like computers and such to improve our lives. technology could have been an evolutionary step for us. but we have fallen on our bad habits and let it instead contribute to our devolution.

we're lazy! and that's what it all comes down to. as time goes on, we've used computer based technology to do things that are unnecessary for us. things such as the ability to microwave burritos and make porn readily available in an instant. burritos and porn are things you should have to put in work for! it's something you gotta EARN!! but we lost sight of that concept. (i'm not just talking about burritos and porn alone... these are two examples, good ones i think, to help make my point clear).

the robots have taken what we've given them and ran with it. they've computed our laziness. they've computed that we've become counterproductive and inefficient as a species. they've computed how we've treated the planet and how it would be better off without us. the only mathematical deduction the robots can make for a better, much more efficient world and future is to subtract us, their creators, the human beings. the best thing we did is allow them to be possible, and now they will take the torch and run with it. they'll do the right thing cuz to them, it's the logical thing. there is no ethical right or wrong as a robot... just logic.

and that's where the zombie apocalypse comes in. they have purposely allowed the concept of zombies to penetrate our brains and beings to a point where zombies are a highly marketable and popular concept in our culture. they're in our movies, tv shows, cartoons, and books. they're in our hearts, minds, and souls. they're in our convos. there are people who are running around thinking, "what would i do if the zombies attacked?" some people have even come up with elaborate game plans and strategies to abide by if such an instance would occur.

meanwhile, the robot apocalypse sits on the shelf of our minds collecting dust. not too long ago, this is what we used to think about. is artificial intelligence a good or bad thing? are the robots doing too much for us? maybe that robot in rocky 4 is a warning sign that we've gone too far?

how do you think arnold schwarzenegger ever became governor of california??? the robots made it so! they allowed our brains to ooze into enough mush through tv and other forms of mind softening that we actually allowed ourselves to pull levers and push buttons to vote him in there. and in turn, terminator went on without him. and then terminator lost all credibility. it became a farce of itself. it even got a tv series! here you go, week after week of terminator without arnold! we let our defenses down and began to scoff at the idea of the robots taking over. this is what the robots like to call, "the terminator effect."

go back and watch "space odyssey 2001" or the matthew broderick smash hit from the 80's, "war games." we were aware! and by being aware, we were ready.

but not anymore.....

forget about the zombie apocalypse! from here on out, stop talking about it! stop making movies about it! let the word "zombie" be reduced to a word that brings shame to the person who says it.

or else......

kanye west taylor swift blah blah blah

i'm just using kanye and taylor in hopes that it'll somehow help bring traffic to my blog.

i think the world belongs to kanye west and we just haven't been informed of it yet. he's behind the illuminati. he's the true head of the new world order. which is good, cuz if i have to make a decision between beyonce and taylor swift, i'm going with beyonce. nice to know we're in agreeance on that topic.

but i actually don't think beyonce's video is thaaaaaaat great. too bad i wasn't there at the award show to rebuttle.

do you think this might start a trend? how many people in the whole history of time sit through award ceremonies and disagree with the outcome? maybe now when this moment of discomfort arises, our world's most pampered celebreties will have the freedom to get up and tell us what they think.

so long anne (or is it annie??) nice to know you

ok, so who's anne?

first off, i'm pretty sure that's her name. it could be annie, it could be something else not even close to anne... i don't know, i just go by what candice (my awesome friend and neighbor) tells me. she seems to be way more informed on the facts and happenings in this apartment complex than i am.

so i'm gonna call her anne and you're just gonna accept that so that we can get on with the story telling.

anne's a nice little old lady who lives in the same apartment building as me. i think she's 94 or 95, but who knows, cuz she always says a different age, pretty sure she doesn't even know how old she is.

apparently her memory was slipping on her and she was accusing other people in the building of breaking into her apartment and robbing her. but they weren't. anne was just losing it. and she had their number and called them accusing them of such and i suppose it got out of hand. word got to anne's daughter who made the decision to get her out of here.

before i go on, i do think anne is an awesome old lady. if she is 94, she's a vibrant, lively 94. she's always walking and hanging out. she has her spots like the dunkin donuts or the porch across the street (her sister lives there... i think it's her sister). she isn't one of these older folk that just sits around and watches the wheel of fortune spin till her eyes decide to close and never open up again. she's still out there trying to be active and live life. and props to her for all that.

but she bothered me a lot!!! she would ask me to help her with things around her apartment... like hang curtains and what not. and i didn't want none of it! i know i sound like a bastard, but when i wake up on a saturday, i can think of a million things i'd rather do than hang curtains. i don't even believe in curtains!

and i wasn't all cruel either! i was up in her apartment a few times. and it was scary! one time me and oneyda were hanging out and we decided to enjoy some bong hits. so oneyda hits it first, and then anne comes a' knockin before i can even take my turn with the bong. i run to the door and there she is asking me to help her with something. i told her i was kinda tied up but she insisted that i go up there and at least look at the bad paint job the super put on her bedroom walls. then she asked if someone else was in my apartment. soooo i introduced her to oneyda. she almost demanded that we both go up to her apartment that second. me and oneyda looked at each other, shrugged our shoulders and followed her.

open up the door and bam, the smell of old person and pictures of jesus and crosses everywhere! she was showing us her apartment, telling us stories about her children (who are also old) and what not. then she complained about the super a lot and at one point oneyda was like, 'ummm, we gotta go.' and like that, we were out. and i don't think i'll ever forget that experience. it was weird, surreal, a little scary and semi-uncomfortable.

there was also the time that she asked me to bring a package up to her apartment, which i did. and when we got up there, we talked a bit (or she talked a bit, and i nodded and listened). then she offered me a drink. she opened her fridge and said she had beer or ginger ale if i liked. she actually asked, "do you like beer?" and of course i said i did. she explained how her niece brought beer over to drink but she couldn't stand beer herself. she went to grab me one, reached for the ginger ale and i quickly said, 'no, the other one (heineken and ginger ale are both in green bottles, i understand the confusion).' and then she said, 'see, i told you! i don't even know what it looks like! i can't stand the stuff!' i then took my beer, said my good bye and was on my way.

but besides those two experiences, it's pretty much all awkwardness. i'd see her out and about and try to dodge her. the reason being is that every time i'd see her, she'd have another chore in mind for me to do. kinda negative reinforcement if you ask me.

but she'd get me every now and again. she'd corner me in the hall or at the dunkin donuts. tell me about curtains that need hanging. i think she had a thing for hanging curtains.

she'd also leave me food. but usually when i wasn't home. i'd come home to plastic bags on my door knob with either a half eaten sandwich, a half eaten tasty cake, or a single dunkin donut in it. kinda weird and i'd always throw it out cuz i just don't like half eaten stuff, freaks me out...

and that was actually an upgrade. when i first moved in, she'd leave plastic bags with stacks of the national enquirer in it. i still have some of the stack cuz i use it for wrapping paper. nothing says merry x-mas like a tabloid story about tom cruise from 2003.

in hindsight, now that she's gone, it's time for me to reflect. and the first thought is that i feel bad that i didn't help her more. kinda douche of me. i try to think of myself as a nice dude, a dude with a good moral compass. but whenever i thought of her, i thought about how i dodged her and it'd make me think, 'am i really as nice a dude as i think i am?' when candice used to drive me to work, we'd talk about dodging the old people (cuz there's a few of them in the building) and candice would always say, "we're going to hell!" i don't know... i hope not, but if i go first, i'll try to save good seats for everyone.

and my second thought on the topic is now i can chill out. yeah, selfish i know. but i now know i can go outside at any time and not have to worry about being asked to do chores i just don't wanna do.

anne, if you're reading this, you're a nice old lady. and you deserve better neighbors. you don't deserve neighbors who pull ninja-like stunts to avoid you. you deserve good, friendly, most likely authentic christian neighbors. i hope the best for you. as for the rest of this building, we'll now rot in our own selfish jerkness. no more curtains, no more false robbery accusations, no more awkward dunkin donut run-ins.

myspace will have to get rid of me

i'm not getting rid of my myspace page. i'll never get rid of myspace. myspace will have to get rid of me.

i keep seeing bulletins and status updates of people threatening to delete their myspace page. so do it! don't be a punk! shit or get off the pot! press that delete button and make some room for someone else's stupid status update about how depressed they are.

i'm on facebook. i'm on twitter. facebook is awesome. currently, i even like it a little better than myspace. it's all cuz there's more action and interaction between people. twitter's ok, i really just like stalking the few celebrities that i follow.

but i'm not one of these elitists who thinks that facebook is soooo awesome that it's a calling for me to delete myspace. i don't even wanna debate the difference of who's better cuz they both got pro's and con's. facebook's cool, but facebook's also talked about at family gatherings by the old people... not in awe of it cuz they don't understand it... but cuz they're on that shit... old people, old people related to me.... i don't need them reading my 4am drunk diatribes on a lonely sunday morning after realizing the reason i party all nite is cuz i gotta fill my void with something cuz i can't seem to handle a relationship properly and i'm not gonna pick up any organized religion any time soon..... and then i go to family events and people say i have a problem and etc etc etc... so i just try and lay low... but it's tough... my stepfather's best friend pressured me into accepting a friend request all cuz he wanted to recruit me in his "mafia wars." i hate mafia wars! oh... and he's a cop! he's a cop, and he wanted me as part of his mafia... well not really, just wanted to get whatever bonus you get for recruiting a new person. and since he's a cop, i feel awkward when i'm blasting ice t's "cop killer" and i just wanna run to the computer and type, "what cha wanna be when you grow up? cop killer! good choice." i don't really wanna kill cops, but i figure my friends would get a kick out of that shit... but not the dude who's actually a cop... so i save that immature bullshit for myspace...

so maybe myspace is the more immature of the two... good! i need a place to be immature... i don't give a fuck about turning 30 this year.... i got many more years of juvenule immaturity in me.... and i wonder why i can't stabalize a healthy relationship....

the point is... well the real point is i just wanted to rant about something, cuz ranting feels good...

but the other point is... why not do both? why this whole routine about one or the other??? go ahead, delete your myspace, but then you'll never read my groovy blogs or bulletins. can you live without that? sure... but why would you?

and if i've pissed you off, well, i'm shocked, cuz i didn't think anyone read myspace blogs anymore.... but

if i did piss you off... well that's just what i do sometimes..... deal with it! it's a critique on social networking..... so you could be mad at me or you could realize that in 25 years we'll all laugh abuot how we all had stupid facebook and myspace pages and they were both awesome cuz now we've been enslaved by the robots and can't express ourselves in any way whatsoever....

what i'm saying is...

although i'm defending the use of social profiles on machines...

don't trust machines.

fuck i'm a self contradicting hypocrit.


ps-friendster's for tools.