a question of gym etiquette (am i an asshole or just really shy?)

about three times a week i run into the same chick at the gym at my job. i don't know her, she works for one of the other companies in the building. but apparently we have a similar lunch schedule that allows us to do the gym thing at about 2pm. i know nothing at all about her but yet i see her many times a week and many times we're the only two in the gym. she's usually on an elliptical machine that's only about 10-15 ft away from me while i'm on a treadmill.

so there's this slight awkwardness (self imposed, totally not blaming her) i feel sometimes because i find it odd that we'll be the only two in the whole gym and yet we never say a word to each other. and it's probably due to my lack of experience when it comes to gyms, cuz i only started using the gym a couple years ago and until this chick from a different company came along, i was almost always by myself from 2pm-3pm in the gym (which is kinda nice, especially if you listen to punk rock while exercising and like to scream lyrics at the top of your lungs). 

we've gotten this far without talking... i'd say it's been a few months now since she started coming around. and usually we get by cuz i'll have my earbuds in. at first she was a tv watcher. so i'd listen to my music totally lost in my own world and she'd watch whatever and it'd make no difference to me cuz i can't hear the tv over my music.

then she recently changed up her style. she started coming in with earbuds. so the two of us would be in the gym and to anyone else it'd seem like two people exercising in silence, but not to us. we were both lost in our own separate worlds.

just the other day i walked into the gym and she was already there. she had switched up her style once more. now she's listening to music on her phone without earbuds. so i can clearly hear what she's listening to. this sort of thing usually wouldn't make any kind of difference since i rock earbuds anyways. but on this one day i had left my earbuds upstairs in my office, and i was already changed and ready to go by the time i realized so i figured i'd just exercise as is.

so i hit the treadmill and she's on that same elliptical machine. and for the first time we talk. it was brief. she looks over at me and says to me politely, "hey, do you want me to put my ear buds in?"

i didn't wanna be an ass. she was nice enough to offer and i was gonna be nice enough not to fuck up her routine. so i told her, "no, that's okay. i'll be fine. i can adapt." 

now as soon as i said the words, "i can adapt," i felt like an asshole. i just felt like it was a really stupid thing to say. i could've just left it at, "no, that's okay." and i guess i'm guilty of over thinking this one, but i just felt like an ass at that moment. and when i think back on it, i still feel like an ass.

and as soon as i replied to her, we both went back to silence. for about the next 20 minutes we exercised to the sounds of the music coming out of her phone (she seems to be a fan of radio friendly country music). 

here's my real issue. i don't know gym etiquette. i probably should've said, "hey," or given her some kinda simple greeting a long time ago. what's the harm in it? but i'm kinda shy and i also don't wanna come across as some creep. cuz there's also a part of me that thinks everyone just wants to be left alone in the gym so i should understand that and let her, or anyone else in the gym, be.

i can't help but wonder what she thinks. i hope she doesn't think i'm some kind of asshole. but i'll never know. these are things i can't bring up. i can't walk into the gym on monday and say, "hey, do you think i'm an asshole?" we just don't have that kinda communication going on.

2 universal truths (this is sorta about joe paterno but it also isn't)

first universal truth:

fuck celebrity worship

give it a rest. let it go. people you don't know personally are not worthy of your worship. you shouldn't love or adore anyone who can't love or adore you back. you definitely shouldn't admire or look up to individuals whom you have no access to behind closed doors. awesome movies, songs, tv shows, and sports teams are not enough on their own to make a person wholly who they are.

before this all went down, not a negative word was ever spoken about joe paterno anywhere (except that maybe he was too old and out of touch to coach). before this whole penn state scandal broke out, joe paterno was considered some universal measuring stick for class and sportsmanship and all around decency in college sports. but that's only because people knew what they saw on tv. he was the old dude who said he cared more about students' futures than championships. he had work ethic and determination. to many, he was considered the best coach in all of ncaa football history.

but once we got to see what was going on beyond the curtain, beyond the football field, things appeared clearer and uglier and way more gruesome than anyone could have probably imagined. joe paterno is a hero no more. he's the exact opposite. he's openly vilified and disliked... and with great reason. covering up a child sex abuse scandal is awful. and suddenly the character that is joe paterno has been given a whole new depth and no one admires him anymore.

this is why we shouldn't put our admiration into those we don't fully know. people you know only through tv and other forms of media are not your friends or family or heroes. we have plenty of people that can fill those roles in our actual, reach out and touch someone, lives. drop the celebrity worship. go out and love and admire the people in your lives. it's more enriching and real. and you'll probably have a better grasp of who these people are deep down inside... which in turn should lessen the chances of them disappointing you in the end.



second universal truth:

fuck ANYBODY who covers up a sex scandal, especially one that involves children.

daniel tosh, rape jokes, and why everybody's wrong

i'm wrong cuz i can't take shit serious for too long. we can talk about and debate this whole daniel tosh/rape joke controversy till we're all blue in the face. i'd almost prefer if we didn't though. i have a bad habit of not taking things as serious once the discussion's been tossed around to no end. i don't even know why people discuss it anymore. everyone steps up to the table with their opinion, says it, and nothing ever changes. no one has a change of mind or heart. i'm guilty of this as well.

daniel tosh is wrong for saying the words, "you know what would be funny? if like, five guys gang raped you right now (quick paraphrase cuz yes, i am too lazy to google the exact quote)." he said this in response to a "heckler" who blurted out, "rape jokes aren't funny," while he was telling rape jokes. the only problem i have with tosh on this one is the choice of words he used to bring the heckler down. i don't think tosh really wanted to see her get gang raped. but i can imagine if i was in the crowd, i'd probably cringe as the words came out of his mouth. that's me personally. but other than that, i support a comic's right to go after hecklers. cuz fuck hecklers.... the comic is the one on the stage performing, not you.

the heckler is wrong for heckling. if you don't like the material then get up and leave. go use the bathroom and come back. ignore it. don't blurt something out. comics hate that sorta thing and tend to be harsh no matter how rational you might think you sound at the moment.

people who say you shouldn't joke about rape are wrong. i don't believe in putting a limitation on things you can joke about. and in many ways, i think comedy's a great weapon to be used against the things we hate. y'know, things like hitler, religion, penn state, your ex-girlfriend, and rape. most times i think a comedian is anti-whatever the subject of the joke is. i definitely don't think daniel tosh is pro-rape.

people who can't understand why daniel tosh offends people (in this situation and well before) are also wrong. i totally support the right and freedom of people to be able to say whatever they want. i don't think we should have any limitations on speech, especially in a comedy club environment. that being said, i also believe in everyone's right to be offended and not like something someone else said and verbalize it. let's not insult our own intelligence and pretend we can't see why what he said that night wouldn't offend a ton of people.

so boom, there it is, everyone's wrong. so let's all hug this shit out and start again.

c'mon god, i dare you

right now people are freaking the fuck out all around me. in the town of west new york, nj, which is the next town over (towns here are pretty small though, so it's all the same hood), there is a tree with some sorta carving in it that somehow makes it look like the virgin mary. so boom, pandemonium has struck. people are going nuts and clamoring around it and crowding the area to see it.

i got no beef with anyone who gets any sort of joy or fulfillment out of this. we all got our own thing going on and if that suits you, cool. but i'm not ready to stand in line and wait my turn to behold this as some sign or miracle. this isn't a miracle. i know miracles. most miracles are thoughts that never materialize but in my mind i wish they did.

this isn't a miracle. right now i have a friend on life support. her situation is bad. we're not the tightest of friends... she's more like a good friend of good friends of mine. i've talked to her a few times and she's come out to open mics and i've seen her at shows and such. she seems like a nice person... she's polite, smiles, likes to hang out and sing karaoke. also, she's 23. she's got so much more to give the world. and right now she's fighting for her life in a hospital and doctors are saying the outlook isn't good.

miracles? c'mon god, give us your miracle. am i supposed to buy this bullshit on a tree? a family, a circle of friends waits for you to deliver. you wanna give us a sign? you wanna prove your might? i dare you god. i dare you to do more than put carvings into trees. that isn't enough. that doesn't remove hurt. that doesn't heal pain.

i'm not mad about the tree and i'm not mad about the people who clamor to it. but i refuse to acknowledge it as a miracle. i know a miracle. i just haven't seen it yet.

it was all no big deal

i just got back from visiting family in the buffalo area (north tonawanda to be exact, which is a small town right outside of buffalo, ny). it was my dad's family and i ended up spending four nights there at my uncle's house. it was cool and different and odd and completely normal all at once.

a younger me would've made a big deal out of this trip. i'd let resentment that i no longer carry drive me to go up there and see it as either some holy crusade to prove to the world that i turned out alright despite a lack of assistance from my dad or as some overblown 'us vs. them' situation. i'd play the role of the likable underdog and the family would be the ever tyrannical 'them.'

but that would be stupid. shit happens in life... crazy shit... sometimes shit that doesn't make life any easier. but there's no use in me crying about it and using it as some lifelong excuse to hold resentment. i'd be doing myself a disservice to allow unhappiness to grow inside of me and blame it on a group of people who don't feel responsible.

there's always opportunities to learn and grow in life. i'm starting to learn that i'm wholly responsible for my own well being and contentment in life. the worst thing i could do is continue to live a life where i allow myself to be miserable but convince myself that's okay cuz i'm not to blame. there is no credible rationalization in all of existence that validates misery.

as a child, i let the divorce of my parents affect me a lot. but in hindsight, what were my parents supposed to do? stay together and be miserable? they made the decision that was right by them... and all these years later it's seemed to work out well for all parties involved (though i am extremely guilty of caring a whole lot less about my father's situation than my mom's. momma's boy for life, son... damn proud).

so this trip, i just let it be a trip without expectations. just go up there and see what happens. and nothing bad happened. i got to know people better. i laughed. i joked. i conversed. sometimes i was bored and annoyed. sometimes i was thrilled and enjoying myself. we ate a lot, we partied a lot. i saw some sights. and when it was all over, i went home. there was no big lesson learned, no philosophical realization attained.  

there is an ocean in my soul where the waters do not curve

lately i've been beating myself up bad. a few things triggered this and i could point blame elsewhere, but i shouldn't cuz it's my own fault for letting certain things affect me.

i've been beating myself up over things i've done in the past, the recent past at that. bad things. things i'm not proud of. and i keep letting these things circulate in my mind and all it does is leave me feeling sad... sad cuz i can't right wrongs and fix mistakes that were made.... sad cuz i'm forced to let things be as they are, damaged by me, at my hands.

and just when i feel like i'm about to rebound from these things... just when i feel like i can get over the hump, that i can rise and work on bettering things by focusing on now and tomorrow and not on a past that's already set in stone, i'll think of how i feel about other people who've done bad things that i don't wanna let them slide on. and then i'll think that if i was anyone else and i saw me and what i've done in the past, i certainly wouldn't let me slide.

but i can't worry about that. it's a trap that's holding me back. i can feel bad for things i've done wrong, but i can't let them take hold of me and stop me from doing right in the future. if people are going to judge me on shit that's in my past, there is absolutely nothing i can do to prevent that. i can only keep on with the keeping on. i can only focus on doing what i think is right in my heart.

the most important thing here is i can't let shit that i fucked up on drive me down a path where i'm constantly fucking more shit up. all i can focus on is the path ahead. i can't seek or expect forgiveness from anyone.... except myself.

the other thing that is fucking me up is so stupid and trivial that i feel stupid even typing it out into a physical format that can be read. but i feel like i have no choice cuz it's bothered me immensely and i just need to get it out there. recently a lot of people have been saying that i'm getting skinny. i've also been told that i'm getting 'too skinny' and 'looking sickly.' the first time i heard something like this, it didn't bother me at all. i know why i'm skinny. i run like a motherfucker. and i'm damn proud of it. i've never felt healthier or better in my adult life.

but it started to weigh on me. as more people made the observation, i started to doubt myself. am i healthy? maybe i am too skinny? what the fuck should i do? i don't wanna look sickly.

but i don't feel sickly. i feel great. besides the fact that i went to a doctor in march (first time i've been to a doctor in years), and got back a clean bill of health, i feel like i can run circles around any fucker who thinks i'm sickly looking. i think i can run them into the ground till they're out of breath, heaving, cramping, and in pain. i know what i'm capable of. i can run 10 miles without stopping, without feeling awful... finishing off a 10 mile run, going home, washing up, and still able to spend a night out with friends. i've run 10k's hours before rock concerts and raucous birthday parties. and i've woken up the next day ready to run again.

the other day i worked an 8 hour shift, ran 4 miles for lunch, and then helped a friend move. i didn't know he was moving till right before my shift ended. i didn't want to run 4 miles AND help someone move in the same day... but i did it. and then i went home, went to sleep, woke up for work and ran another 4 miles for lunch the next day.

sickly? how the fuck can i be sickly? do sickly people do this? are these characteristics of sickly people? i got so mad at myself for letting this bother me. fuck you for mocking my skinniness, but fuck me more for letting it bother me.

and where was all the concern when i was an unhealthy sloth? when i had a protruding beer belly? when i was eating fast food and drunk constantly and no one gave a shit then. that was a dude who needed mocking. that was a dude who needed shame. he finally woke up and shamed himself. you should've seen him the first time he tried to run around the lake by his house. couldn't make one full lap. that was one sickly looking motherfucker.

so as i put it all together, i realize that a lot of my inner strife is created by my own worries of what other people outside of me think of me. but i can't be that dude anymore. i gotta know in my own heart, mind, and soul that i'm doing right by me. i usually wanna be "nice" with others and sometimes i'm willing to sacrifice some of myself to keep things "nice." but that's no way to live. fuck, nice guys do finish last. not that it's bad to be nice... nice has it's place and time... but so does "fuck you." and if i'm doing right by me, and i'm feeling good about life, and someone outside of me has an issue with that, it's time to put some of the "nice" away and grab some "fuck you" real quick.

and i feel this whole post is properly timed as tomorrow i fly to buffalo to visit my dad's family... a collection of people i don't see a whole lot. and while i don't expect it to be a total judge-fest, i don't assume it'll be without judgement altogether either. but it's a great time to remember that if i feel okay inside, and i'm totally cool with my life and who i am, then that's something that's too awesome to let others fuck up for me.

(the title of this post is a lyric from a song by against me!)

anderson cooper

news broke today that cnn news extraordinaire anderson cooper has confirmed that he is gay. and that's great. i think everyone should be proud of who they are, whatever that may entail. and i hope it brings all sorts of needed awareness that the world needs when it comes to how society as a whole views the gay community.

on a personal level, it's no big deal to me. anderson cooper is the same person he's always been. this doesn't change anything at all. i read the headline and the way my brain interprets it reads as, 'breaking news, anderson cooper confirms he is himself.' i'm waiting on a world where this isn't a story and this doesn't take up space on any news network's website or tv programming. people saying they're gay are people just saying they're themselves and they don't care who knows it. and that's beautiful.

it's so beautiful that i wish it was the standard and not the exception. and i mean that in the broadest of terms, it doesn't start and end with the gay community alone. everyone needs to know who they are, love who they are, and be proud. let it shine. 

if there's anything you're doing, anything you're into, anything that defines you, and all it's doing is making you happy and not hurting anyone else, then who cares who it bothers? anyone who is bothered by anything of this nature is clearly dealing with their own internal issues.

i know i'm not perfect at being the spokesperson for loving yourself and being proud of who you are. no one's perfect at this. but we should all take a page out of anderson cooper's playbook and be proud, comfortable, and happy with who we are.

and anyone who can in good conscience stand against that has their own severe internal problems to deal with. anyone who takes issue or offense with anything that makes you the awesome, beautiful human being you are probably has the biggest lesson to learn from anderson cooper today.