it was all no big deal

i just got back from visiting family in the buffalo area (north tonawanda to be exact, which is a small town right outside of buffalo, ny). it was my dad's family and i ended up spending four nights there at my uncle's house. it was cool and different and odd and completely normal all at once.

a younger me would've made a big deal out of this trip. i'd let resentment that i no longer carry drive me to go up there and see it as either some holy crusade to prove to the world that i turned out alright despite a lack of assistance from my dad or as some overblown 'us vs. them' situation. i'd play the role of the likable underdog and the family would be the ever tyrannical 'them.'

but that would be stupid. shit happens in life... crazy shit... sometimes shit that doesn't make life any easier. but there's no use in me crying about it and using it as some lifelong excuse to hold resentment. i'd be doing myself a disservice to allow unhappiness to grow inside of me and blame it on a group of people who don't feel responsible.

there's always opportunities to learn and grow in life. i'm starting to learn that i'm wholly responsible for my own well being and contentment in life. the worst thing i could do is continue to live a life where i allow myself to be miserable but convince myself that's okay cuz i'm not to blame. there is no credible rationalization in all of existence that validates misery.

as a child, i let the divorce of my parents affect me a lot. but in hindsight, what were my parents supposed to do? stay together and be miserable? they made the decision that was right by them... and all these years later it's seemed to work out well for all parties involved (though i am extremely guilty of caring a whole lot less about my father's situation than my mom's. momma's boy for life, son... damn proud).

so this trip, i just let it be a trip without expectations. just go up there and see what happens. and nothing bad happened. i got to know people better. i laughed. i joked. i conversed. sometimes i was bored and annoyed. sometimes i was thrilled and enjoying myself. we ate a lot, we partied a lot. i saw some sights. and when it was all over, i went home. there was no big lesson learned, no philosophical realization attained.