there is an ocean in my soul where the waters do not curve

lately i've been beating myself up bad. a few things triggered this and i could point blame elsewhere, but i shouldn't cuz it's my own fault for letting certain things affect me.

i've been beating myself up over things i've done in the past, the recent past at that. bad things. things i'm not proud of. and i keep letting these things circulate in my mind and all it does is leave me feeling sad... sad cuz i can't right wrongs and fix mistakes that were made.... sad cuz i'm forced to let things be as they are, damaged by me, at my hands.

and just when i feel like i'm about to rebound from these things... just when i feel like i can get over the hump, that i can rise and work on bettering things by focusing on now and tomorrow and not on a past that's already set in stone, i'll think of how i feel about other people who've done bad things that i don't wanna let them slide on. and then i'll think that if i was anyone else and i saw me and what i've done in the past, i certainly wouldn't let me slide.

but i can't worry about that. it's a trap that's holding me back. i can feel bad for things i've done wrong, but i can't let them take hold of me and stop me from doing right in the future. if people are going to judge me on shit that's in my past, there is absolutely nothing i can do to prevent that. i can only keep on with the keeping on. i can only focus on doing what i think is right in my heart.

the most important thing here is i can't let shit that i fucked up on drive me down a path where i'm constantly fucking more shit up. all i can focus on is the path ahead. i can't seek or expect forgiveness from anyone.... except myself.

the other thing that is fucking me up is so stupid and trivial that i feel stupid even typing it out into a physical format that can be read. but i feel like i have no choice cuz it's bothered me immensely and i just need to get it out there. recently a lot of people have been saying that i'm getting skinny. i've also been told that i'm getting 'too skinny' and 'looking sickly.' the first time i heard something like this, it didn't bother me at all. i know why i'm skinny. i run like a motherfucker. and i'm damn proud of it. i've never felt healthier or better in my adult life.

but it started to weigh on me. as more people made the observation, i started to doubt myself. am i healthy? maybe i am too skinny? what the fuck should i do? i don't wanna look sickly.

but i don't feel sickly. i feel great. besides the fact that i went to a doctor in march (first time i've been to a doctor in years), and got back a clean bill of health, i feel like i can run circles around any fucker who thinks i'm sickly looking. i think i can run them into the ground till they're out of breath, heaving, cramping, and in pain. i know what i'm capable of. i can run 10 miles without stopping, without feeling awful... finishing off a 10 mile run, going home, washing up, and still able to spend a night out with friends. i've run 10k's hours before rock concerts and raucous birthday parties. and i've woken up the next day ready to run again.

the other day i worked an 8 hour shift, ran 4 miles for lunch, and then helped a friend move. i didn't know he was moving till right before my shift ended. i didn't want to run 4 miles AND help someone move in the same day... but i did it. and then i went home, went to sleep, woke up for work and ran another 4 miles for lunch the next day.

sickly? how the fuck can i be sickly? do sickly people do this? are these characteristics of sickly people? i got so mad at myself for letting this bother me. fuck you for mocking my skinniness, but fuck me more for letting it bother me.

and where was all the concern when i was an unhealthy sloth? when i had a protruding beer belly? when i was eating fast food and drunk constantly and no one gave a shit then. that was a dude who needed mocking. that was a dude who needed shame. he finally woke up and shamed himself. you should've seen him the first time he tried to run around the lake by his house. couldn't make one full lap. that was one sickly looking motherfucker.

so as i put it all together, i realize that a lot of my inner strife is created by my own worries of what other people outside of me think of me. but i can't be that dude anymore. i gotta know in my own heart, mind, and soul that i'm doing right by me. i usually wanna be "nice" with others and sometimes i'm willing to sacrifice some of myself to keep things "nice." but that's no way to live. fuck, nice guys do finish last. not that it's bad to be nice... nice has it's place and time... but so does "fuck you." and if i'm doing right by me, and i'm feeling good about life, and someone outside of me has an issue with that, it's time to put some of the "nice" away and grab some "fuck you" real quick.

and i feel this whole post is properly timed as tomorrow i fly to buffalo to visit my dad's family... a collection of people i don't see a whole lot. and while i don't expect it to be a total judge-fest, i don't assume it'll be without judgement altogether either. but it's a great time to remember that if i feel okay inside, and i'm totally cool with my life and who i am, then that's something that's too awesome to let others fuck up for me.

(the title of this post is a lyric from a song by against me!)