being 33

it's been an odd time for me to find myself at the age of 33. three very distinct things have crossed my path within the past couple of days that has me all sorts of contemplative about my age and where i'm at in life. i don't have a verdict. i can't tell you if i've done good or bad. i suppose i'm much like anyone else. i have a bunch of good days with a few bad days here and there. my life isn't perfect (who's is?) and my life isn't awful. it's somewhere in between and sometimes i feel good about it and sometimes i don't. and most of the time i think everyone thinks the same thing about their own lives.

the first thing to cross my path was this article written by none other than kareem abdul-jabbar. he lists 20 things he wish he knew at age 30 (i realize i'm 33, but close enough). i read this article and most of the advice probably won't stick with me and maybe it should... or maybe i have the right to stumble through my 30's and write an article much like he did somewhere down the line later in life as well.

but that's all besides the point at hand here. what struck me most was the nature of the article as a whole. for the first time in quite a while, i felt a-ok with not having it all figured out. if an nba megastar can look back on his 30's with some regret, it helps me put things into perspective. i'm not looking for excuses to fuck up and do things (or in some cases, not do things) i'll regret. but it's sorta comforting to know that if and when i do, i'm not alone. cuz if kareem abdul-jabbar didn't have all the answers at age 30, none of us stand much of a chance.

the next thing that happened was the passing of chris kelly, who was a member of kriss kross. he was 34. whenever a celebrity dies near my age, i get a little freaked out for a second. i'm not scared to die but i don't wanna die now. whenever i think about death, i always think it's something that's gonna happen much later and i don't have to worry or plan for that at this moment. then chris kelly dies and it's all over the place and i'm confronted with the harsh reality that i could die at this age. belushi died at 33. so did jesus. it's not that any of this makes me think i'm gonna die soon, but i gotta admit to myself that it's not impossible either.

the good news i tell myself is that the three names listed above lived life a little differently than i did. if what i've read turns out to be true, people suspect chris kelly died due to a drug overdose (that's how belushi went out also). i'm not on hardcore drugs. i don't even smoke pot (i'm not trying to say pot's any sorta thing that can kill you, i'm just trying to paint a vivid image of how non-hardcore i am). and people were pissed at jesus cuz he proclaimed to be the son of god. i don't know if it's true, but even if it is, that's some crazy shit to say and people don't like what they don't understand.

the pattern for dying at age 33 seems to be that you really have to go out and earn it. you have to do lots of drugs or you have to tell people something that makes them feel uncomfortable or makes them think you're crazy and a danger to society. and i don't do any of that. it seems that if you really wanna die at age 33, you really gotta get out there and try hard to make it happen.

and i realize there's other things that could happen as well that could kill me... car accidents, natural disasters... stuff you can't control. and yea that all sucks. but all that sorta stuff can kill a 7 year old in much the same manner. those sorta things are beyond our control and have nothing to do with being 33 or being any age in particular.

the last thing that happened was hearing that andrew seward left the band against me! he was their bassist. i don't know exactly how old he is and it doesn't show up right away after doing a google search so i've stopped trying to find out. but i assume he's near my age. i'm pretty sure all the members of the band are. and against me! is one of my all time favorites. i fucking love this band. so i was really bummed to hear it. it seemed to be a peaceful separation with no drama though. the other members of the band even wished him luck.

and that's the thing. he's just moving on. i don't know why specifically but i think i get it. life's odd like that. you find yourself in a kick ass rock and roll band but there's still other stuff you probably wanna do with your life. here he is making a major transition in his life and he's in my age group. that's insane. i'd give almost anything to wake up tomorrow and be the bassist of against me! (even though i haven't earned it in anyway and don't know how to play bass anyways so that would be completely ridiculous and unfair). but that's just cuz i haven't done that yet. he has. he's accomplished this great thing and now he's my age and it's time to move on to the next thing.

and i'm not trying to say i haven't accomplished anything. but i haven't been a member of against me! i haven't been a member of against me! for so long that it's time for me to move on and do other things. the idea seems crazy to me. i'd like to stumble into my first life experience that's somehow equal to the against me! experience. but i can't. andrew seward probably made crazy sacrifices early in life. i didn't. i played it safe and as a result i have a very stable life that is nothing at all like being in a rock band. the end result being that me and andrew seward chose very different paths in life and because of that, we both have a completely different list of 'what's next in life' options.

that's all. 33. i made it. here's to 33 more... and maybe 33 more after that.