i find myself oddly inspired by death as of late. it's sorta a grim concept but i can't help but look at death and think about my own life and how it's like a clock ticking away. death is this ultimate reminder that no matter how much time i get, it's finite and the brink of nonexistence gets closer as the moments roll on.
i attended the wake of a 23 year old friend not too long ago. and i walked out of there thinking all sorts of crazy shit. the first and most obvious thought that crossed my mind was what a robbery of a life. 23's too young to go. but then i started thinking about my own life. i'm 32. i already got 9 bonus years from 23. and what the fuck have i done with it? i'm not gonna say nothing at all, but i've wasted enough of it to know that i haven't exactly spent the time optimally.
i've settled for less and compromised my vision in life. i've spent a good portion of my life playing the role of your good buddy. and i'm not blaming this on anyone but me... but i've sacrificed a lot of myself to be well liked by everyone else. i've overdosed on the golden rule. i've gone out of my way to make sure that everyone thought i was a nice guy.... except for maybe my ex-girlfriends... they've always gotten the brunt of my other side, the repressed side... the side that's bitter about being stuck in the stupid buddy role when i want so much more. and it's women who i've shared relationships with who are the only ones i've ever felt close enough to act any other way than as your fake buddy.
and i'm not justifying me being an asshole to women. that's not fucking cool at all. i'm also not letting all of my ex's off the hook either. some of them were capable of epic bitchness for sure... but i can look back now and see the err of my own ways as well. i've definitely been no saint.
but this isn't about relationships. this is about me. i need to stop with the bullshit. i need to stop living the lie. i can be a nice guy to a degree, but i gotta drop the routine when it interferes with my path and where i'm trying to go in my life. i'm gonna do and say some things that piss people off. and so is everyone else. it's part of existence. me going out of my way to try and avoid that is ridiculous. no one's gonna go through life without angering people.... probably lots of them.
and i'm not gonna wake up tomorrow a total asshole either. i'm just gonna be more honest. there's stuff in my life i'm not happy with. and sometimes i think i can fake it and keep trudging forward and tell myself, 'well, that's just how life is.' but that's settling for something that i think i'm more than.
i wanna sit around less. i wanna be a person of constant movement, always on the go, always doing something, always writing or reading or speaking my mind somewhere. always trying to figure out what's the next step... one foot in front of the next. just keep moving them fucking feet.
cuz one day i'll be old (i assume, anyways. nothing's for certain). and i don't wanna be the normal old dude. i still wanna be on the move. i still wanna be going at the pace of one foot in front of the next. there's this dude at my job who could retire but he won't. he thinks if he retires, he dies. he keeps going, one foot in front of the next.
in short, that's what i think of lately when i think about death. it inspires me to keep going, don't stop, no rest, one foot in front of the next.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
"hey! slow down! you're making me look bad!"
the rain finally broke at the beginning of my eighth lap around the lake. it was glorious.
the heat and humidity beat down on me for the first seven laps. an eight mile run is hard enough in perfect conditions. all i could do was try and grind through it, rancid blaring though my headphones the whole way. the music was my soundtrack. the plot reaches it's climax when i, a dude who hardly believes in a god or any form of higher power, wishes he could somehow pray for rain.
not that this would be some miracle. storm clouds loomed over in the distance the whole time. i watched them, hoping they'd come closer. they took their time and at some point i told myself to not count on storm clouds to get me through today. i was gonna do all ten laps i had set out to do whether the rain came to cool me off or not.
there was something so awesome about that moment when the rain began, when it started to pour down hard. when i looked around and saw the look on people's faces... the people that came out to the lake to chill out and enjoy the sunshine. it was a look of disappointment and surrender cuz they knew the rain had finally come and it was serious about ruining their fun filled outing in the sun.
it's not that i get joy out of watching their days get ruined. but one person's storm cloud is another person's oasis. people disappeared and i soon felt alone as i ran around the lake... just me, the geese, and the storm clouds that had finally decided to make their presence known.
i encountered a few other random people as i looked to finish up my last three laps. the only one that stuck out was an older dude, if i had to guess his age, i'd say in the 55-60 range. he was running at a slow pace, maybe as slow as someone could possibly run. but he was putting in time. i lost exact count, but we were running in opposite directions and i crossed his path at least five times.
the first couple of times we passed each other, nothing was said. we passed each other in silence. this is customary for me. i consider it the status quo of runner etiquette at the lake. i don't say much to other runners. sometimes there's a shared head nod... i guess to acknowledge to each other what awesome human beings we are for running.
then around the third time we ran past each other, he gave me the thumbs up. cool. i gave it right back. i appreciate that. i like some runner camaraderie. every now and then i'll encounter things like this. i'll run past another runner and they'll say something semi-inspirational like, "keep it up!" and i'll throw something right back at them like, "we're better than everybody else!" (okay, i've never said that, but i should). one time i ran into a friend who was also running at the lake, and she went for the high five. that was awesome. that's probably the closest i'll ever get to the feeling of winning at team sports.
so the next time the older dude runs past me, i throw him the thumbs up first. he gives it right back. and now we have a bond. the next time i saw him, the rain had already started. he seemed to be in total 'who gives a fuck mode' and had his shirt off. it's pouring as we're about to cross paths. i yell out at him, "best weather we've had all day!" he chuckles (i don't know if it was funny, but he's a cool dude for throwing the chuckle out there regardless).
next time i see him is the last time. i'm on lap ten. i'm ready to call it a day. he says to me, "hey, slow down! you're making me look bad!" i said to him, "you gotta keep it going! i'm finished! this is it for me." shortly thereafter, i finished lap ten and walked home in the rain.
i wish i had said something better in response to him. i wish i told him that i can't possibly make him look bad. i wish i could've told him how much i respect him for being out there, much older than me, and running many laps, not letting the rain stop him. i couldn't possibly make him look bad. he's making a former version of me look bad. 25 year old josh would be embarrassed by this dude. 25 year old josh didn't have much hope of looking into the future and seeing himself as a runner in his 50's. in this moment, there's no one awesomer to me than this old man. cuz when i run past that old man, i hope i'm running past me. i hope that when i'm in my 50's, i'm still out at the lake doing laps... in the rain no less. putting in time and exhausting myself and still with enough resolve to throw thumbs ups and words of encouragement at other runners.
if i slow down now, i'll never be where you are. you're an inspiration, a reason for me to never slow down. i know he said it jokingly... but i got nothing but admiration for the older runners out there. there's nothing that looks bad about an old dude who's still got it and who's still invested in himself enough to go out for recreational runs. look bad? no way old dude. you're much too awesome for that.
the heat and humidity beat down on me for the first seven laps. an eight mile run is hard enough in perfect conditions. all i could do was try and grind through it, rancid blaring though my headphones the whole way. the music was my soundtrack. the plot reaches it's climax when i, a dude who hardly believes in a god or any form of higher power, wishes he could somehow pray for rain.
not that this would be some miracle. storm clouds loomed over in the distance the whole time. i watched them, hoping they'd come closer. they took their time and at some point i told myself to not count on storm clouds to get me through today. i was gonna do all ten laps i had set out to do whether the rain came to cool me off or not.
there was something so awesome about that moment when the rain began, when it started to pour down hard. when i looked around and saw the look on people's faces... the people that came out to the lake to chill out and enjoy the sunshine. it was a look of disappointment and surrender cuz they knew the rain had finally come and it was serious about ruining their fun filled outing in the sun.
it's not that i get joy out of watching their days get ruined. but one person's storm cloud is another person's oasis. people disappeared and i soon felt alone as i ran around the lake... just me, the geese, and the storm clouds that had finally decided to make their presence known.
i encountered a few other random people as i looked to finish up my last three laps. the only one that stuck out was an older dude, if i had to guess his age, i'd say in the 55-60 range. he was running at a slow pace, maybe as slow as someone could possibly run. but he was putting in time. i lost exact count, but we were running in opposite directions and i crossed his path at least five times.
the first couple of times we passed each other, nothing was said. we passed each other in silence. this is customary for me. i consider it the status quo of runner etiquette at the lake. i don't say much to other runners. sometimes there's a shared head nod... i guess to acknowledge to each other what awesome human beings we are for running.
then around the third time we ran past each other, he gave me the thumbs up. cool. i gave it right back. i appreciate that. i like some runner camaraderie. every now and then i'll encounter things like this. i'll run past another runner and they'll say something semi-inspirational like, "keep it up!" and i'll throw something right back at them like, "we're better than everybody else!" (okay, i've never said that, but i should). one time i ran into a friend who was also running at the lake, and she went for the high five. that was awesome. that's probably the closest i'll ever get to the feeling of winning at team sports.
so the next time the older dude runs past me, i throw him the thumbs up first. he gives it right back. and now we have a bond. the next time i saw him, the rain had already started. he seemed to be in total 'who gives a fuck mode' and had his shirt off. it's pouring as we're about to cross paths. i yell out at him, "best weather we've had all day!" he chuckles (i don't know if it was funny, but he's a cool dude for throwing the chuckle out there regardless).
next time i see him is the last time. i'm on lap ten. i'm ready to call it a day. he says to me, "hey, slow down! you're making me look bad!" i said to him, "you gotta keep it going! i'm finished! this is it for me." shortly thereafter, i finished lap ten and walked home in the rain.
i wish i had said something better in response to him. i wish i told him that i can't possibly make him look bad. i wish i could've told him how much i respect him for being out there, much older than me, and running many laps, not letting the rain stop him. i couldn't possibly make him look bad. he's making a former version of me look bad. 25 year old josh would be embarrassed by this dude. 25 year old josh didn't have much hope of looking into the future and seeing himself as a runner in his 50's. in this moment, there's no one awesomer to me than this old man. cuz when i run past that old man, i hope i'm running past me. i hope that when i'm in my 50's, i'm still out at the lake doing laps... in the rain no less. putting in time and exhausting myself and still with enough resolve to throw thumbs ups and words of encouragement at other runners.
if i slow down now, i'll never be where you are. you're an inspiration, a reason for me to never slow down. i know he said it jokingly... but i got nothing but admiration for the older runners out there. there's nothing that looks bad about an old dude who's still got it and who's still invested in himself enough to go out for recreational runs. look bad? no way old dude. you're much too awesome for that.
Friday, July 27, 2012
battle cry
all i wanna hear are battle cries. i'm at a phase of my life where the last thing i need are slow songs or love songs or anything that inspires a mood of gentleness and reflection. i don't wanna chill out. i don't need anyone telling me to, "just be cool." right now, all i wanna do is make some noise. i wanna shake stuff, not just stuff, i wanna shake everything. i wanna shake the world. i want people everywhere to lose their balance and fall only to get back up and start doing some shaking of their own.
i don't wanna meditate. i don't wanna learn yoga poses. i don't wanna hear what they have to say. fuck that. i wanna yell. i wanna move. i wanna run. i wanna run like the barbarians coming to tear down your walls. you know you can't keep them out forever. they're loud and ferocious and i wanna run with the pack. i wanna raise my fist and scream to the skies. i wanna break down every wall and barrier i encounter.
i wanna read words that punch faces. i wanna see things that need no explaining. explosions can't be reasoned with. they go boom and things get scorched. it all makes sense. who has time for plot twists and trick endings that leave you wondering if you understand what you just saw? everyone understands explosions.
this by no means is a call to violence. this is a call to action. a call to myself and anyone else who feels like trying hard to not rock the boat is a really bad role to play right now. in all you say and do, be loud. be heard. be passionate. let the bombs go off in the night. let the explosions light up the sky. let the colors be frenzy and spirit.
you and me, we're alive. let our hearts beat loudly. let no one silence what we know we can't control. let the urges of that which is awesome and beautiful in our souls drive us to scream primal, run eternal, and never surrender. the time for diplomacy and settling for less is over. things are changing. the time for battle is near. for now, it's the time of the battle cry.
i don't wanna meditate. i don't wanna learn yoga poses. i don't wanna hear what they have to say. fuck that. i wanna yell. i wanna move. i wanna run. i wanna run like the barbarians coming to tear down your walls. you know you can't keep them out forever. they're loud and ferocious and i wanna run with the pack. i wanna raise my fist and scream to the skies. i wanna break down every wall and barrier i encounter.
i wanna read words that punch faces. i wanna see things that need no explaining. explosions can't be reasoned with. they go boom and things get scorched. it all makes sense. who has time for plot twists and trick endings that leave you wondering if you understand what you just saw? everyone understands explosions.
this by no means is a call to violence. this is a call to action. a call to myself and anyone else who feels like trying hard to not rock the boat is a really bad role to play right now. in all you say and do, be loud. be heard. be passionate. let the bombs go off in the night. let the explosions light up the sky. let the colors be frenzy and spirit.
you and me, we're alive. let our hearts beat loudly. let no one silence what we know we can't control. let the urges of that which is awesome and beautiful in our souls drive us to scream primal, run eternal, and never surrender. the time for diplomacy and settling for less is over. things are changing. the time for battle is near. for now, it's the time of the battle cry.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
conflicted (i want you dead)
you are quite possibly the worst person on earth. i can't stand anything about you right now. there's nothing about you that anyone can possibly respect. when you go out in public, people should spit on you and throw stones. people should line up for a chance to ball up a fist and take a shot right at your stupid face. there's nothing about you that i want to protect. i want you to think about the things you've done in your life and live in a constant state of fear, nervousness and anxiety. i want you to feel threatened constantly. i want you to be worried about every corner you turn and every person you meet. i want you to believe with the faith of a saint that everything is NOT going to be alright, that this will all end badly.
deep down inside, there is a part of me that burns, that part of me that wants to see you suffer. i want you to know pain. i want to see you beg for your own death. but not because you think you deserve to die, we already know you do. i want your soul to cry out for a death that is the only form of relief from the hell that is your life.
and yet, i can't let this happen. i'm unable to allow myself to let you nosedive into failure, danger, and destruction. everyday i wake up and i look at you and i know that i have to give this my best. i have to stand tall and proclaim to a world that craves to watch you bleed, 'you can't have him. over my dead body.' in the end, i'll wear the villain's mask and put in my best performance. i'll give this my all. although you sicken me, i'm determined and inspired to make this work.
i have no choice. i'm your lawyer.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
henry rollins vs. those 'free hugs' people
obviously this is a bout that henry rollins wins in a landslide.
i've been reading henry rollins lately... 'the portable henry rollins,' to be exact. and he's so angry and raw and has such an outlook on things and i find it hard to put it into words... which is good. cuz who wants to be easily classified? not henry rollins, that's for sure. the reoccurring feeling i get as i read through the pages is alienation. and he does such a great job of expressing alienation that it's beautiful to me in it's own very dark, twisted way.
i wanna say i'd like to give henry rollins a hug. but that motherfucker doesn't want a hug. hugs are weak. fuck hugs. anyone who needs a hug needs to reevaluate their own self worth. he talks about being alone a lot... wanting to be alone... not complaining about it. he's the anti-everything else. everyone else is feeling bad for themselves and singing 'creep' by radiohead and longing for some romantic partnership to fill the void that they're guilty of creating in themselves.
then there's the 'free hugs' people. you know who i'm talking about, right? you see them at concerts and in other places where tons of people gather. they stand around with signs raised high in the air that say, 'free hugs.' they want to hug you and even more, they want you to feel free to go up and hug them. and it's a nice gesture... i guess. cuz the world can be such a cold, hateful place.. wouldn't it be nice to see more hugs in the world?
but i think rollins is fighting the same thing that the 'free hugs' people are. he also realizes the world is a cold and hateful place. but rollins seems to be more about adapting to it, toughening up and dealing with it. don't let the world bring you down into the muck. if you do, it's your own fault.
if i had my choice and it was a choice of only two extremes... a world where everyone's tougher and deals with the bullshit of this world in an appropriate manner, or a world where we all hugged each other all the time, i think i'd take the former. i don't wanna wake up everyday and feel the pressure to be constantly hugging and embracing everybody. sometimes i just want to be left the fuck alone. and if that means i have to swim hard through the ocean of bullshit to do it, then so be it. cuz i can't subject myself to a life of constant hugging.
that's just me. and i'm pretty sure either way that if henry rollins read this, he'd probably be like, 'who's this josh dude? i wanna break his fucking face.' and if that was his natural reaction, i suppose i wouldn't want it any other way.
i've been reading henry rollins lately... 'the portable henry rollins,' to be exact. and he's so angry and raw and has such an outlook on things and i find it hard to put it into words... which is good. cuz who wants to be easily classified? not henry rollins, that's for sure. the reoccurring feeling i get as i read through the pages is alienation. and he does such a great job of expressing alienation that it's beautiful to me in it's own very dark, twisted way.
i wanna say i'd like to give henry rollins a hug. but that motherfucker doesn't want a hug. hugs are weak. fuck hugs. anyone who needs a hug needs to reevaluate their own self worth. he talks about being alone a lot... wanting to be alone... not complaining about it. he's the anti-everything else. everyone else is feeling bad for themselves and singing 'creep' by radiohead and longing for some romantic partnership to fill the void that they're guilty of creating in themselves.
then there's the 'free hugs' people. you know who i'm talking about, right? you see them at concerts and in other places where tons of people gather. they stand around with signs raised high in the air that say, 'free hugs.' they want to hug you and even more, they want you to feel free to go up and hug them. and it's a nice gesture... i guess. cuz the world can be such a cold, hateful place.. wouldn't it be nice to see more hugs in the world?
but i think rollins is fighting the same thing that the 'free hugs' people are. he also realizes the world is a cold and hateful place. but rollins seems to be more about adapting to it, toughening up and dealing with it. don't let the world bring you down into the muck. if you do, it's your own fault.
if i had my choice and it was a choice of only two extremes... a world where everyone's tougher and deals with the bullshit of this world in an appropriate manner, or a world where we all hugged each other all the time, i think i'd take the former. i don't wanna wake up everyday and feel the pressure to be constantly hugging and embracing everybody. sometimes i just want to be left the fuck alone. and if that means i have to swim hard through the ocean of bullshit to do it, then so be it. cuz i can't subject myself to a life of constant hugging.
that's just me. and i'm pretty sure either way that if henry rollins read this, he'd probably be like, 'who's this josh dude? i wanna break his fucking face.' and if that was his natural reaction, i suppose i wouldn't want it any other way.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
a break up letter from the president
(preface:
i'd like to mention now that this in no way is about president obama. it's not a satirical piece or anything clever like that. it's just some silly concept i happened to come up with towards the tail end of president obama's first term.
now on with the silliness. enjoy. or don't. just don't have a stick up your butt and think i'm making a political statement. thanks.)
dear america,
i have decided that i will not be running for reelection at the conclusion of my first term as president of the united states of america. it's not that i don't think i'm the man for the job anymore. i still believe i'm qualified, and probably the most qualified, for the job. but you've broken my heart over these past four years america. i can't stand to subject myself to the heartache any longer.
i wish i could say, "it's not you, it's me." but that would be a lie. i have dedicated everything i have, and then some, to serve you as best as i could. the sacrifices a person must make to be efficient in this position are numerous. i never knew how much i had to give until i learned how to dig down and give more than i thought i ever had.
i haven't had a good night's sleep in years. i become envious, saddened, and a little enraged when i think of the millions of americans who may be fortunate enough to follow a proper and healthy sleeping schedule, all so they can wake up with enough energy to express their disapproval of my job. america, we've had our low points in this relationship, but it's not all bad. why can't you enjoy the good things? i see that you enjoy flat screen tv's and high speed internet and water that's clean enough to not kill you like it does in other parts of the world. it hasn't all fallen apart. why can't you give me some credit? i'm doing the best i can.
and that's just it. i've given you my best, my all and what do i get in return? i've received death threats and even worse, death threats against my wife and children... even against the white house cat, roosevelt. no one has taken my life, but they've tried. i wake up on a semi regular basis to briefings and detailed reports of foiled assassination plots. it's like a hollywood movie, except i'm the president and this is real life and the existence that people want to end is all my own.
if you'd tell me you loved me every once in a while, showed a little appreciation and compassion, perhaps i'd reconsider. but i feel like we've come too far and there's no turning back. you've shown your true colors. you're cruel and mean spirited.
and as bad as you are to me, i will still love you america. but i must move on. i'm ready to be on my own. i look forward to it. i'm going to go back home and hang out with some friends, drink some beers, shoot some pool, watch some espn. i'm going to bring my kids to an amusement park with big roller coasters and overpriced concessions. i'm going to take a nap on a hammock in my backyard. i'm going to practice the art of lazy sundays till it makes me sick.
and when i'm ready america, i'll come back to you. but in a different role i'm afraid. i won't have the commitment to be your president anymore. but i'll participate in the speech circuit and you can pay money to come see me speak. it'll be glorious. i'll say intelligent things that you paid to hear and when it's all said and done, you'll applaud me. and i'll go home and not worry about calls on red phones at 3am or a soaring unemployment rate. i won't have to because you'll have moved on to someone else. i don't know who yet, but i can assure you, you'll find another president. and you might even like him (or her) better than you ever liked me. just be gentle america. they're giving you their best.
with a heavy heart,
your soon to be ex-president
i'd like to mention now that this in no way is about president obama. it's not a satirical piece or anything clever like that. it's just some silly concept i happened to come up with towards the tail end of president obama's first term.
now on with the silliness. enjoy. or don't. just don't have a stick up your butt and think i'm making a political statement. thanks.)
dear america,
i have decided that i will not be running for reelection at the conclusion of my first term as president of the united states of america. it's not that i don't think i'm the man for the job anymore. i still believe i'm qualified, and probably the most qualified, for the job. but you've broken my heart over these past four years america. i can't stand to subject myself to the heartache any longer.
i wish i could say, "it's not you, it's me." but that would be a lie. i have dedicated everything i have, and then some, to serve you as best as i could. the sacrifices a person must make to be efficient in this position are numerous. i never knew how much i had to give until i learned how to dig down and give more than i thought i ever had.
i haven't had a good night's sleep in years. i become envious, saddened, and a little enraged when i think of the millions of americans who may be fortunate enough to follow a proper and healthy sleeping schedule, all so they can wake up with enough energy to express their disapproval of my job. america, we've had our low points in this relationship, but it's not all bad. why can't you enjoy the good things? i see that you enjoy flat screen tv's and high speed internet and water that's clean enough to not kill you like it does in other parts of the world. it hasn't all fallen apart. why can't you give me some credit? i'm doing the best i can.
and that's just it. i've given you my best, my all and what do i get in return? i've received death threats and even worse, death threats against my wife and children... even against the white house cat, roosevelt. no one has taken my life, but they've tried. i wake up on a semi regular basis to briefings and detailed reports of foiled assassination plots. it's like a hollywood movie, except i'm the president and this is real life and the existence that people want to end is all my own.
if you'd tell me you loved me every once in a while, showed a little appreciation and compassion, perhaps i'd reconsider. but i feel like we've come too far and there's no turning back. you've shown your true colors. you're cruel and mean spirited.
and as bad as you are to me, i will still love you america. but i must move on. i'm ready to be on my own. i look forward to it. i'm going to go back home and hang out with some friends, drink some beers, shoot some pool, watch some espn. i'm going to bring my kids to an amusement park with big roller coasters and overpriced concessions. i'm going to take a nap on a hammock in my backyard. i'm going to practice the art of lazy sundays till it makes me sick.
and when i'm ready america, i'll come back to you. but in a different role i'm afraid. i won't have the commitment to be your president anymore. but i'll participate in the speech circuit and you can pay money to come see me speak. it'll be glorious. i'll say intelligent things that you paid to hear and when it's all said and done, you'll applaud me. and i'll go home and not worry about calls on red phones at 3am or a soaring unemployment rate. i won't have to because you'll have moved on to someone else. i don't know who yet, but i can assure you, you'll find another president. and you might even like him (or her) better than you ever liked me. just be gentle america. they're giving you their best.
with a heavy heart,
your soon to be ex-president
Saturday, July 21, 2012
it all meant something or nothing
i was gonna shave my head and leave a mohawk for the mud run i took part in today. i was gonna do something crazy to commemorate the moment cuz i'm proud. i'm proud i did something that's tough, physical, and exercise-ish for recreation. it's an official landmark for me. even though i've been running now for a few years, i never competed in anything official-ish. and i never did anything that left me tired, scarred, and extremely muddy.
the mud run was this big thing for me. it was this form of self validation i saw in the horizon and every day it got closer and closer till today it was here. i have been doing all this running and exercising for the past few years, trying to live a healthier lifestyle, and finally i would do something that officially proves there was some kinda payoff. without the exercise, the running, the effort, the pain...i would've never been able to do what i did today.
but i'm glad i decided against the mohawk. cuz the mud run's over now and here i am, same as before, except for the scars, bruises and bumps. life goes on. it always does. and as extraordinary as this moment felt for me, and as important as i made it to myself, i realize that in the long run, today is just another day like any other day. no mohawk or crazy action of any kind could ever freeze the moment and make it last forever. this weekend will end like all the rest. monday it's back to the grind. i'll be office worker bee josh, as if the mud run never happened at all.
as big a deal as anything can be, life will always move on. the moments are epic and should be enjoyed. and while you're at it, take a picture and put it up on facebook. but then after that it's time to think of what's next. that's life. one thing to the next thing to the next thing... never a moment to slow down. always plot out the next step.
for me, i suppose i'll do another mud run again somewhere down the line. this will just be the first of many hopefully. in the immediate future, i'm thinking of waking up tomorrow and going for a good, lengthy run. i'll do as i've been doing. i'll do the same things that helped lead me to completing a 5k mud run obstacle course today.
life just keeps moving. on thursday i was at a wake. she was 23 and now she's gone. i couldn't help but keep thinking how 23 is way too young to die. it just seemed unfair and a total robbery. but what can i do? what can anyone do? we can't freeze time. despite our best efforts, we can't turn the clock back and make it not happen. this may be the most tragic thing about us. we all have this brain to do all this big thinking, but we'll never erase the biggest thing of all... time... it just keeps moving. as broken up as i am about a friend passing away at age 23, i had to realize that life just keeps going.
just like the tragic theater massacre that happened thursday night in colorado.... it's an awful thing and when i see it on tv, i wanna make it go away. i wanna undo it. i wanna close the program without saving and open it up and start again. but that's not an option. we have to keep moving forward. it's our moral obligation to ourselves to not let ourselves get stuck and to deny ourselves of forward progress.
i haven't blogged in a few days. i've had a heavy heart and a heavy mind. i didn't know what to type to make me feel right about anything. i was guilty of being stuck. there have even been certain moments in the past 2-3 days where i've thought to myself, 'i sorta don't want to do this mud run anymore,' cuz i was just bummed about life in general.
and this isn't to say i'm not sad anymore for the tragic things that happened and will continue to happen. but that's never an excuse to lie in a corner and refuse to participate in life. this whole charade's gonna keep moving forward. you can sit on the sidelines and let everyone else play the game. but in the end all you'll be is a spectator. you may have a uniform and a vested interest, but if you're not on the field crying, sweating, and bleeding, then you're not playing at all.
the mud run was this big thing for me. it was this form of self validation i saw in the horizon and every day it got closer and closer till today it was here. i have been doing all this running and exercising for the past few years, trying to live a healthier lifestyle, and finally i would do something that officially proves there was some kinda payoff. without the exercise, the running, the effort, the pain...i would've never been able to do what i did today.
but i'm glad i decided against the mohawk. cuz the mud run's over now and here i am, same as before, except for the scars, bruises and bumps. life goes on. it always does. and as extraordinary as this moment felt for me, and as important as i made it to myself, i realize that in the long run, today is just another day like any other day. no mohawk or crazy action of any kind could ever freeze the moment and make it last forever. this weekend will end like all the rest. monday it's back to the grind. i'll be office worker bee josh, as if the mud run never happened at all.
as big a deal as anything can be, life will always move on. the moments are epic and should be enjoyed. and while you're at it, take a picture and put it up on facebook. but then after that it's time to think of what's next. that's life. one thing to the next thing to the next thing... never a moment to slow down. always plot out the next step.
for me, i suppose i'll do another mud run again somewhere down the line. this will just be the first of many hopefully. in the immediate future, i'm thinking of waking up tomorrow and going for a good, lengthy run. i'll do as i've been doing. i'll do the same things that helped lead me to completing a 5k mud run obstacle course today.
life just keeps moving. on thursday i was at a wake. she was 23 and now she's gone. i couldn't help but keep thinking how 23 is way too young to die. it just seemed unfair and a total robbery. but what can i do? what can anyone do? we can't freeze time. despite our best efforts, we can't turn the clock back and make it not happen. this may be the most tragic thing about us. we all have this brain to do all this big thinking, but we'll never erase the biggest thing of all... time... it just keeps moving. as broken up as i am about a friend passing away at age 23, i had to realize that life just keeps going.
just like the tragic theater massacre that happened thursday night in colorado.... it's an awful thing and when i see it on tv, i wanna make it go away. i wanna undo it. i wanna close the program without saving and open it up and start again. but that's not an option. we have to keep moving forward. it's our moral obligation to ourselves to not let ourselves get stuck and to deny ourselves of forward progress.
i haven't blogged in a few days. i've had a heavy heart and a heavy mind. i didn't know what to type to make me feel right about anything. i was guilty of being stuck. there have even been certain moments in the past 2-3 days where i've thought to myself, 'i sorta don't want to do this mud run anymore,' cuz i was just bummed about life in general.
and this isn't to say i'm not sad anymore for the tragic things that happened and will continue to happen. but that's never an excuse to lie in a corner and refuse to participate in life. this whole charade's gonna keep moving forward. you can sit on the sidelines and let everyone else play the game. but in the end all you'll be is a spectator. you may have a uniform and a vested interest, but if you're not on the field crying, sweating, and bleeding, then you're not playing at all.
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