one foot in front of the next

i find myself oddly inspired by death as of late. it's sorta a grim concept but i can't help but look at death and think about my own life and how it's like a clock ticking away. death is this ultimate reminder that no matter how much time i get, it's finite and the brink of nonexistence gets closer as the moments roll on.

i attended the wake of a 23 year old friend not too long ago. and i walked out of there thinking all sorts of crazy shit. the first and most obvious thought that crossed my mind was what a robbery of a life. 23's too young to go. but then i started thinking about my own life. i'm 32. i already got 9 bonus years from 23. and what the fuck have i done with it? i'm not gonna say nothing at all, but i've wasted enough of it to know that i haven't exactly spent the time optimally.

i've settled for less and compromised my vision in life. i've spent a good portion of my life playing the role of your good buddy. and i'm not blaming this on anyone but me... but i've sacrificed a lot of myself to be well liked by everyone else. i've overdosed on the golden rule. i've gone out of my way to make sure that everyone thought i was a nice guy.... except for maybe my ex-girlfriends... they've always gotten the brunt of my other side, the repressed side... the side that's bitter about being stuck in the stupid buddy role when i want so much more. and it's women who i've shared relationships with who are the only ones i've ever felt close enough to act any other way than as your fake buddy.

and i'm not justifying me being an asshole to women. that's not fucking cool at all. i'm also not letting all of my ex's off the hook either. some of them were capable of epic bitchness for sure... but i can look back now and see the err of my own ways as well. i've definitely been no saint.

but this isn't about relationships. this is about me. i need to stop with the bullshit. i need to stop living the lie. i can be a nice guy to a degree, but i gotta drop the routine when it interferes with my path and where i'm trying to go in my life. i'm gonna do and say some things that piss people off. and so is everyone else. it's part of existence. me going out of my way to try and avoid that is ridiculous. no one's gonna go through life without angering people.... probably lots of them.

and i'm not gonna wake up tomorrow a total asshole either. i'm just gonna be more honest. there's stuff in my life i'm not happy with. and sometimes i think i can fake it and keep trudging forward and tell myself, 'well, that's just how life is.' but that's settling for something that i think i'm more than.

i wanna sit around less. i wanna be a person of constant movement, always on the go, always doing something, always writing or reading or speaking my mind somewhere. always trying to figure out what's the next step... one foot in front of the next. just keep moving them fucking feet.

cuz one day i'll be old (i assume, anyways. nothing's for certain). and i don't wanna be the normal old dude. i still wanna be on the move. i still wanna be going at the pace of one foot in front of the next. there's this dude at my job who could retire but he won't. he thinks if he retires, he dies. he keeps going, one foot in front of the next.

in short, that's what i think of lately when i think about death. it inspires me to keep going, don't stop, no rest, one foot in front of the next.