just let me be a jerk in peace

i know at times i can be a bit of a jerk... maybe even sometimes more than a bit. and i know at times i can be a bit of a wise ass, jackass, and all around sarcastic dude. i can't help these tendencies i have. just like anyone else, i got a saint and a devil sitting on my shoulders... and when the devil's screaming drowns out the gentle whisper of the saint, i tend to shift into jerk mode.

at the core, i'm all heart. i'm generally an all around nice dude. i think we should all get along. i think war is stupid. i try to avoid fights and hurting people's feelings. i'm definitely not a bully cuz i don't believe in preying on people just because in my mind they appear to be weaker than me.

but i can't be a total nice guy all the time. i've been that dude. i know what happens. the ol' 'nice guys finish last' thing is kinda true. it's great to be a nice dude and i myself am a big fan of them and i pretty much detest assholes and douchebags.

so why be a jerk sometimes? it just feels right. i think somewhere along the line i realized that the nice guy finishes last only because he goes so out of his way to always be nice that he lets everyone else pass in front of him and eventually that turns into people taking advantage of him and mistaking his kindness for weakness. i know this sounds like some cold shit... and it is. the world's a cold place. every nice dude would do himself a favor to fly into jerk mode every so often. it's an act of defense so he can remain nice at the core.

when i am being a jerk, it's usually towards other jerks. it's more of a defense mechanism than anything else. if you're gonna be an asshole, i'm not gonna just stand around and take that shit. i'm gonna throw it right back in your face. and when i do that, i gotta put the nice guy routine away for a minute. it happens. i can get back to that just as soon as i'm done with the asshole who's trying to shit in my bowl of cereal.

be nice, but don't let people shit on you either. you gotta stand up for yourself. and sometimes that means being a jerk.

and to my friends and loved ones... when i'm being a jerk to you... my bad. but you gotta know that it's only cuz i love you. there's a playful wise ass side of me that likes to joke around.... a lot, sometimes too much. and when the switch is on, it's fun and i'm like a kid in an arcade in the 80's and i just don't want that shit to ever end. so i joke around a lot and seem to not take a lot of stuff serious... but there's almost nothing more serious to me than the people i call my friends and family (it's the same thing to me. when i say family, blood relation don't cut it. there's gotta be a real connection). so i joke with you and if you notice it's a certain type of joking that i don't do with anyone else. cuz i don't consider anyone outside the circle of my friends and family worth joking around like that with.

so if you catch me being a jerk or you catch me being a smart ass... it's either cuz you're an asshole or i love you (and on rare occasions, a combination of both).

everyone else in the middle, leave me alone. that's why i have headphones on and i'm avoiding eye contact at all costs.

50 shades of josh

recently i was able to obtain a free copy of, '50 shades of grey,' on my e-reader. i had to get a glimpse of this book to see what all the hype was about. i'm not usually one to fall for hype. usually a whole lot of noise don't mean much to me... and most times it usually has an opposite effect on me. if i hear there's something everyone is reading, it kinda makes me not wanna read it. guess it has something to do with being an unpopular kid or something.

anyways... this book was different. it was making different noise. i was coming across references to it everywhere online... reading about it in blogs and articles. snl did a sketch about it (a pretty good one at that). and apparently according to the buzz, this book is plenty erotic. since i was able to get a free copy, i couldn't resist the urge anymore... curiosity won.

so i started reading away on my e-reader. it was boring. i couldn't get into it. i guess i'm a bit guilty of expecting a lot of raunchy stuff up front. that wasn't the case. the characters bored me. and probably because the copy was free... i started thinking about all the other books of the world i could or should be reading. so many more important books await me... here i am reading '50 shades of grey,' and yet i've never read one thing by kurt vonnegut.

i ditched '50 shades of grey.' never even got to the raunchy parts.

i did pick up a copy of 'slaughterhouse five,' by kurt vonnegut. very awesome book, i highly recommend it.

an interesting side note... while i had, '50 shades of grey,' in my e-reader, a friend offered to upload an issue of rolling stone magazine for me to read. i took her up on the offer. but then i realized she was gonna have to open up my library and see what was in there. i'm not gonna say i was ashamed to have had, '50 shades of grey,' in my library... guess just a bit awkward. she never mentioned it but i'm sure she saw it... and since she's a 20 something year old female, i'm sure she's up on her shit and knows all about, '50 shades of grey.'

but it was a kick ass rolling stone! so thanks!

let's break stuff!!

yesterday, after work....

i was walking to the bus stop when i walked through a part of a parking lot that had a lot of big rocks in it. at first glance of the rocks, all i could think about was breaking stuff... in that first pure moment before i can censor myself or give things a second thought... for one sweet moment i saw a rock that was the perfect size for my hand to be thrown through a window nearby. the imagery was dreamy.

i didn't pick up that rock. i didn't throw that rock. i didn't break a window. i didn't break anything. but the urge was there. i'm filled with this urge to break stuff. i never follow through with it... but it's this chaotic part of me that always manifests itself... when life is less than perfect, when things aren't going my way, when i'm pissed the fuck off, i always think breaking something... watching something destruct at my own hands will somehow relieve some of the tension.

and i can't be alone in this. i'm sure tons of people have these thoughts and urges... it seems like such a great release.

when i walked past those rocks yesterday, other thoughts followed after my original. there was the obligatory, 'don't do that, you can get in a lot of trouble' thought... which is good... i'm glad that's in tact. i need that. but there were other thoughts.

like what if i could get away with it? what if i went on a complete tirade and picked up rock after rock after rock and flung them through the office, hotel, and car windows all within 10-30 feet of me? what if for just one moment, i could throw these rocks and break the fuck out of stuff without any repercussions? if that option was any form of reasonable and available to me, i wouldn't think twice... i'd think no more... i'd go into a zen like bliss of me throwing rocks, me being rock, me being rock as it flies through the glass it shatters, me the glass shattering, me the loud and oddly melodic sound of breaking glass flowing through the air.

i've always had this idea in the back of my head to have a 'breaking stuff' party. i've never followed through with it though. it'd be pretty hard to pull off. but the thought first came to me in a moment when i realized i own way too many plates and glasses for a dude who lives by himself. what if i could just break a bunch of it? how great would that be? what if i could invite others to join me? imagine a big ol' gathering of people breaking shit they don't need for hours on end. i'd hire a dj and serve some drinks, maybe even get a cake... that cake would never be eaten though. it'd end up smashed against a wall somewhere.

but where could you throw a party like this? this type of behavior is acceptable nowhere. so i continue to dream....

i dream of parties filled with people breaking stuff together all in the name of fun and relieved tensions. i dream of rocks flying through windows. i dream of kitchen appliances being flung from roofs onto the ground. i dream.....

it's not me, it's you

something i've always wanted to say to somebody.... out loud.

out loud would be the abnormal part... i say this shit to myself constantly. i'm always biting my lip, never ready to let someone know how i really feel cuz there's a part of me that doesn't wanna offend them or anger them or even worse, end up rejected by them (like if it's a friend, girlfriend, coworker, family member, etc). i'm always willing to swallow a bit of my own pride if that means the bridge stays in tact.

and all i have to show for it is a bunch of in tact bridges... big deal. boring. anytime i have to hide what i really feel, think, or want to say, then most likely it's a bridge that leads me to a destination that i'm no longer interested in having access to anyways. if i have no interest in what lies on the other end of that bridge, then i should have no qualms or issues with blowing that shit up.

we're all bridges to each other. two people are responsible for the upkeep of bridges. the second someone says or does something that offends my own sense of morality and/or decency is the same second i should stop caring about the bridge we share together. fuck that bridge.

anytime i've ever put myself into an, 'it's not you, it's me,' situation was most likely due to my fear to offend. it probably was you. but much like almost everyone else in the world, i'm usually quick to let others slide so i can avoid a confrontation and never ask people to stand up to certain standards.

the next time i find myself in a crowded room and someone says something racist, or homophobic, or anything douchy, i hope this time i say something. cuz seriously, it's not me, it is you.

in the past, it was me.... but that's only because i was wrong.... i was wrong to bite my tongue and not let people know how i really feel and let them love me or hate me for who i am.... i've been wrong anytime i've compromised my  ideals for acceptance. that was me.

but from now on, i hope i got what it takes to do the right thing and let someone know:

'it's not me, it's you.'

today's profound commute

we were let out of work two hours earlier today for memorial day weekend. i guess the job figured they'd give us a head start on our big weekends... which is cool i suppose, although we do have staff that comes in on the weekends and monday as well, so it's kinda a half assed acknowledgement.... also letting people get a head start on the weekend, i gotta assume they know what i know, most people are out to go get fucked up this weekend... and the biggest inspiration for wanting to get fucked up in the first place i find is usually our jobs. so way to go job for letting us out early so we can get a head start on drinking away the thoughts of our job (i understand memorial day is much more than that... it's a remembrance for troops but mostly the only time anyone takes it there is on facebook... plus, if you wanna remember the troops, feel free to do that any and every day. much like my own mom, it takes more than one day a year to pay her back for her sacrifice).

anyways, it was nice to get out early and get a head start on things. even if i had no big plans till much later at night anyways. it's just good to be unchained from the desk. i left work and went to go catch the bus. i was there with a couple of coworkers and we waited and waited and waited and it never showed up. eventually a shuttle bus that drives around the office park showed up and we got on that cuz it could take us to a different stop where there were more frequent buses.

so we get on this shuttle and apparently the stop we wanted was the very last stop. it took forever to get there. the whole time the driver kept suggesting we get out at an earlier stop and try to grab something that none of us were familiar with. so we kept insisting the last stop will be fine.

i got out of work at 4:30pm. he dropped us off at our destination about 5:40pm. most of the head start our job gave us was wasted on commuting and driving around the local area and getting a good glimpse of all the stops that came before ours.

but i'm not complaining. that's the thing... i had no where to go. i had a book. i read most of the way or looked out the window at stuff and daydreamed a little. it wasn't a big deal to me. i was grateful to not be in the office. i coulda been anywhere... as long as i had a book and a window to look out of, i'd be fine.

but other people complained. and maybe they have a right to, i'm not sure. maybe they got more important things coming up in their immediate schedules. but maybe they don't. i think you can tell a lot about a person in how they handle a situation like this. and i'm not saying there's a right way or a wrong way... for all i know my method makes other people question the way i go about approaching things.

but for me it turned into an oddly timed chance to get to know myself and think shit out and whatnot... which is why i guess i'm trying to be so profound about a commute that got me home about 7pm, which is 30 minutes after my usual quitting time. i think i've done a good job carving out a lifestyle for myself where when shit like this goes down, i'm cool with it. i roll with it. it doesn't anger me or piss me off or stress me out. book (and/or music) and a window's all i ever need to keep me entertained. i'm in no rush. i don't have many obligations. and maybe to some people that's sad. but today i found myself in an extreme state of gratefulness for it.

and i don't think this makes me a slacker. i'm not a slacker. i work hard. i'm never late. i almost never call out. i run a lot. i read. i'm not some numb to the world couch potato. i'm out and about doing shit. i have a very eventful and entertaining life that's full of late nights, live music, good friends and good laughs. and i'm happy this way... happy enough that when i look out the window and see clouds, i think... well look at that, them clouds up there look awesome.

what do others see when they look into the sky? do they look into the sky at all? i wonder how many people take the chance when they can to catch a glimpse and take in the sky and all it might mean to them.

last night's nightmares

i remember two nightmares i had last night. it was pretty odd... i'm not sure if that's ever happened to me before. sure, i've probably had more than one nightmare in one night, but the thing with dreams and nightmares is we don't remember most of them. here i am some 13 hours later after i've woken up and i still have a semi clear idea of what was going on.

i don't know what inspired it exactly. i know last night i was part of what may be the worst comedy show i've ever been a part of. it's gotta be up there with one of my worst stand up comedy experiences ever. it was bad... very bad.... it may have been the final straw of a stand up comedy "career" that i've been contemplating putting to an end for some time. i'll most likely delve into the specifics of this more in a future post.

this is about the nightmares. i came home from the comedy show and it was late... and i was getting to bed later than usual on a wednesday night. and i was also hungry so i stuffed my face before i went to sleep. as soon as i was done eating, i hit the bed, not expecting much more to happen than the usual... me going to sleep minutes after hitting the mattress.

but that didn't happen last night. i don't ever suffer from insomnia or any sleeping problems. sleeping is one of those things i've never had an issue with... i pretty much excel at it actually. sometimes it's too easy. but not last night..... last night i tossed and turned for hours.

as hour number three of me not falling asleep approached, i decided to play a cd to see if that would help. i chose radiohead's 'amnesiac,' for two reasons: it was close to me and i didn't have to struggle to find it and i used to listen to this album a lot when it first came out when i would go to sleep. it was like a dark, twisted lullaby.

and it almost worked.... i fell asleep for 20 minutes but woke up again and once more i couldn't go to sleep. i put the cd on repeat just in case i did fall asleep again.... i didn't want the sudden silence that comes with an album ending to wake me up.

i struggled for another 30 minutes or so... and finally i got some sleep... maybe 4 hours altogether. it was broken up by the nightmares though.

the first nightmare was the worst of the two. it was very real feeling. it started with me waking up in my bed. i stood up and then my body froze. i couldn't move anything. i tried talking and i couldn't say anything. then i realized my vision was blurry... really blurry... i only knew i was in my room because i'm so familiar with it. if it had been any other room that i was unfamiliar with, i wouldn't know much about the details of the room due to the extreme blurriness of my vision. i stood there trying my best to move. all i wanted to do was wipe my eyes with my hands to fix my vision. all i wanted to do was say something, ANYTHING, to see if i could talk at all. but i just stood there. all i could do was think. i was very conscious of what was going on....all i could do was think... and all my thinking lead to panic. what was wrong with me? why couldn't i move? how was i ever gonna fix this?

and then i woke up... in my bed... unsure and uneasy because the nightmare had started with me in my bed. but this time i could move my body on command and i could talk out loud and i could see clearly. i heard radiohead playing in the background (that was missing in the nightmare). i knew i was awake. so i tried my best to move on with the night and get back to sleep.

that didn't take too long. but as soon as i feel asleep i fell into another nightmare. this one isn't as severe and the premise is silly.. but the feelings were nightmarish for me. i was a ghostbuster. there were four of us and we were at a large retail store like a walmart or target and there was some kinda ghost in there.... so we cornered it in an aisle and set up some sorta special ghost bomb and told them to evacuate the store immediately. they did. me and the other busters moved back and grabbed shelter from the blast of the bomb.

BOOM!

bomb goes off. me and the other busters run in with our guns and start shooting at the ghost. the bomb didn't kill or hurt the ghost at all. all it accomplished was making the ghost angrier. the ghost started taunting us and telling us it was gonna get us all. me and one of the other busters gave up and started running out of there and the thing chased us. it took the form of a bolt of lightning of sorts bouncing off of walls and chasing after us as we ran down a stairwell. no matter how fast we moved, we couldn't move faster than this lightning bolt ghost. the whole time it was taunting us, telling us we were going to die and it was going to kill us.

and then i woke up. i felt all sorts of fucked up. what could possibly have inspired two nightmares in the same night? i turned radiohead off and tried going back to sleep without music. worked like a charm. i must've been tired.

i woke up a couple hours later in a surprisingly good mood. i don't usually have crappy experiences when it comes to sleeping... that could be the worst, or one of the worst, nights of sleep i've ever had in my life. i was sorta ecstatic to start a new day and not have to worry about it for a while. i figure the hope of a brand new day could fix whatever's wrong and i wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.

i'm feeling okay about it all right now. i'm pretty tired so i'm hoping that helps with me getting GOOD sleep tonight. writing this may have helped also... just getting it out there and leaving it here as some sorta purging method to get it completely out of my system.

farewell to a nameless friend

i made a friend over the past couple of years while waiting for the bus to work. he used to take the same bus as me. but then my shift changed and i had to go in earlier. we didn't see each other as much after that, but he'd still go in to work early some days (or i'd be going in late) and we'd see each other again.

he was cool. it was cool to have this one friend within the confines of the whole waiting for the bus experience. that's all we had in common. but there's no other friend of mine who understands those 5-10 minutes everyday like he did... for those few choice minutes, we totally got each other... two dudes on the way to work via the wonders of public transportation.

i never knew his name. i feel sorta bad about that. he gave me his business card one day but i misplaced it and i could never ask him for his name again... i like the dude too much and it wouldn't feel right. in a way, it makes sense that i don't know his name. it's like outside of the vacuum that is waiting for the bus, we don't exist to each other. and yet, i'm probably cooler with him than i am with several facebook friends who i only seem to know by name. puts things in some kinda perspective... a reminder of what's really important in friendship.

anyways, i say farewell cuz i found out today that he's leaving his job in a week and going back home. home is the country, turkey. he's gonna travel a little first, then go back home. he was going in early today so chances are i won't ever see this dude again. he said he's been in america for 13 years and he's been in the restaurant business the whole time and the consumption of time has never changed. over all these years, no matter what he does or where he goes, his work shifts are 12-13 hours a day... sometimes with 1 or no days off each week. he's tired of it. so he's going back home to be around family he hasn't seen in all these years. he seemed psyched and full of hope and ambition about a fresh start. he didn't seem bitter about his time in america. there was no, 'fuck this place, i'm out,' mood going on. he just seemed like a dude who knew it was time to move on and change the direction of his path... and in so many ways, i respect the holy fuck out of that.

our friendship had an odd beginning. i blogged about it years ago.... won't dig it up now, think it's called, 'there's a line guy,' or something of that nature. but the story in brief goes as follows:

first time i met this dude, i went into a mcdonald's by my bus stop before going to work. it was busy and the line was chaos. this mcdonald's has two entrances so the line was unclear. i made my way in and awkwardly ended up in front of a dude who abruptly told me, 'hey, there's a line.' so i did the right thing and got behind him... even though it was still a confusing mess in front of me... but he had the right, he was there longer, he deserves to order before me.

so that was it. just that awkward run in and i never thought much more about it. but then when i went to get my bus, he was there getting on the same bus as me. i felt awkward cuz i figured he thought i was an asshole for trying to cut. i would think that if i thought some dude was trying to cut in front of me.

so we didn't talk. we waited for the same bus for weeks and never said a word to each other. and then one day our bus was late and he came up to talk to me about it. dude was super friendly, just your typical bus banter, "can you believe how late this bus is?"

and since then we were bus waiting buddies. farewell nameless friend. going to work sucks cuz the destination is work.... but having a bus waiting buddy makes shit a little cooler.