my ever growing doubt in everything

 i walked onto the light rail tonight to an entire empty section. i thought it was too good to be true. these late night light rail rides usually don't come with any sorta personal space. as i quickly scanned the area to choose where i would sit, i came across the reason this one section of the rail car was empty. splattered underneath two rows of seats was vomit. i quickly walked into the next section of the rail that was pretty packed.

i also couldn't help but notice how filthy this one empty section was. there was garbage scattered everywhere. empty potato chip bags, an empty coffee cup, people just leaving their shit behind. and i don't get it. i don't understand cuz to me it's automatic. if i have something on me like an empty coffee cup, i keep it with me till i come across a garbage can. it's not even a big deal and is of almost no inconvenience to me whatsoever. i don't understand why people can't carry their stupid garbage with them.

and that's when the brain starts kicking into overdrive. suddenly i take this small sample size of humanity and enlarge it so it becomes all of humanity itself. and suddenly humanity sucks and i've lost all faith in it... again. this happens a lot. my head is filled with doubt... doubt for people, doubt for the future, doubt for nice things or if we even deserve nice things in the first place. this light rail is all the confirmation i need to assure me that all we've ever been good for as a species is to shit on everything that's been given to us. this light rail is the planet we carelessly destroy. that empty dorito bag laying on the floor is a symbol for human convenience and fuck all else that gets in the way.

and then i begin to doubt myself. and suddenly i feel like i've failed. i didn't mean to turn this into a session where i beat myself up. this was all very accidental. but if i'm gonna look down on all of humanity, i can't do it from some untouchable cloud. i'm just as guilty as anyone else. and suddenly, like bursts of lightning and thunder, my head becomes a kaleidoscopic of images and memories of all the things i've done wrong. i start to think about how a lot of people seem to think i'm this nice guy, and yet when i've douched people over, i've DOUCHED them over. i've been a bastard and a deviant. i'm no more innocent than the dude who couldn't handle the ride and puked on the light rail tonight.

sometimes it all seems so simple. all i ever wanted to be was a force for positivity in this world. but i look around and reflect on my own efforts as of late and i feel like i've failed. and it begins to feel like i'm on the losing side of a war that won't ever end. i'm losing morale. sometimes i just don't wanna fight this fight anymore. have i given up? i begin to wonder when giving up happened. did the moment pass me by while i wasn't looking? and now i am ultimately fucking bummed.

on my way home, i stopped at quick check. some dude came in and stole a beverage of some sort and he didn't even make an effort to conceal it. as he walked out the cashier tried to stop him. he asked him to come  back and let him scan it. the dude turned to the cashier and said he brought the beverage with him from his house. they went back and forth a little and the dude left with beverage in hand. and i thought about how nice it was to have a quick check right around the corner from me and how shitty it would be if everyone started stealing from there and they had to close down.

when i paid for my stuff the cashier told me he got his license plate number and he's gonna call the cops. and the whole situation seemed outright shitty to me. the dude was shitty for stealing the beverage. but the cops will probably be shitty when the cashier reports a stolen snapple. the police aren't gonna give a fuck. nothing's ever gonna come of this. someone did the wrong thing and he's totally gonna get away with it. no justice served.

and as i type this, the couple upstairs from me is fighting. i can hear possesions being knocked over. i can hear yelling. i can hear crying. and then i think about how many couples all around the world are doing the same exact thing at this same exact moment. and then i think about how many times i've done the same exact thing. my doubt in everything continues to grow.