my first headache in 17 days

i woke up with the first headache i've had in 17 days. it was a small headache, one i didn't think i'd need to take anything for... i figured it was small and pesky and it would go away on it's own in no time. this never happened. this small and pesky headache stuck around all day. it was never a major pain in the ass, just a little pain in the ass that hung around ALL day. i finally came home from work and took some advil. now that little bastard is gone.

how do i know today was my first headache in 17 days? why am i counting the days between headaches? the last time i had a headache is directly connected with the last time i drank alcohol. i've been sober for 17 days..... something i've been reluctant to talk about much cuz i don't really want people judging me and thinking i have a problem... even if i might... i'm not sure... i never missed work or sucked cock for beer, so i think i'm pretty good at being a functioning alcoholic... but i just wanna be healthier, clear my mind a bit. i don't know how long i'll stay sober for... maybe forever, maybe for 18 days... we'll see how this plays out.

so now that i got that out of the way, the last time i did drink, i woke up the next day with a major fucking hangover... a bad one... probably in my top 10 of all time hangovers. it happens. it was shitty and i definitely had a headache that day.

and up until that point, the one great thing about drinking was that it was always a good scapegoat for all of life's problems. why do i have a headache? drinking. why does my life suck? drinking. what happened to all my money? drinking. why am i sick? drinking. why won't so-and-so talk to me anymore? drinking. i think you get the point.

i came to a realization that drinking's always done a good job of taking the blame for all that is wrong in my life. it's not me, it's the drinking. so for the first time in 17 days, i wondered why i have a headache and for the first time in a long time, i had no answer. it will go down as an unsolved mystery.

drinking's always been a convenient scapegoat for everything that's wrong with life. it's not me. i'm fine. it's just my drinking habit. if i quit drinking, everything would be fine and life would cease to suck anymore. everything would be perfect without booze. i'd never have a headache again.

today's headache was a decent reminder that not drinking isn't enough. i'm not gonna get all militant and try to prevent headaches... i know that they happen... just like everything else in life happens. the biggest challenge of not drinking may be that when life hits the skids, i'm tempted to ease it all with a night of drinking. sobriety is no promise or sealed contract deal that from here on in, life will be perfect. sometimes things will still suck, cuz that's life.

i'll have to do deal with all of life's problems like i did today's headache. i'll have to try and be tough and look for logical solutions. cuz 17 days ago, if anything bad ever happened, i ran to my comfort zone. and that zone was an alcohol induced head buzz. and it's a nice place to go. and that's why i've stopped myself from going there. cuz escaping from life's problems is a cop out, not a solution.