lottery tickets

i buy lottery tickets every tuesday and friday for the mega millions jackpot. i'm unloading hundreds of dollars in very small increments over a long period of time all so i can feel the hope... the hope to be made into a mega millionaire overnight, the hope to never have to worry about another bill in my life, the hope that my life can change in a moment's notice and that everything will be infinitely better than it is right now.

and although i fair a better chance of getting hit by lightning or dying in a car crash, i go on with it $1 at a time. y'know what they say, you gotta be in it to win it. i'm in it. i'm no sucker. someone won last week. they're no different than me. they were in it to win it. why not me? i'm not gonna miss out on this opportunity. i'm not gonna sit back and watch as they make millionaires out of everyone else. i'm a contender.... two times a week.

but what if i do win? i hate to even think about it. cuz as soon as it starts, things get out of control and my head becomes filled with the idea of things i can never afford. if i go on with the rest of my life without ever winning the lottery, i'll always have these images of what i would do with all that money to torture me and belittle me for my ever so average life.

i struggle now. i'm a member of the day-to-day working class who grinds it out from paycheck to paycheck. i speak my peace. i have my own ideas on utopia and how to attain it. i exercise. i read. i write. i try and fit as much life as i can into the spare hours i get when i'm not working or sleeping. i'm not ashamed of who i am or what i do. life is a struggle but i can handle it. i'm not giving up. i wake up everyday with a sense of purpose. i look to burn my imprint into life. if i bleed, sweat, and cry, i keep focus. i don't wanna be just another dude getting by, forgotten with the dust. i want you to know i was here.

and what if that all stops the moment i win millions of dollars? what if i get soft? what if i feel like now that i finally have enough money to be comfortable all the time that i'll do just that? i'll go out of my way to make sure i'm never challenged or stressed out or over burdened. i'll surround myself in an environment where tears, sweat, and bloodshed can't find me. i'll create my own multi-million dollar delusion and tell myself it's okay, i was in it to win it. i deserve this. i have the right to these millions of dollars. i have the right to stop trying. the struggle is over.

i hope my hunger to make noise doesn't disappear. i hope i can enjoy the sudden riches but still see through the bullshit. the world's still a cold place that needs a lot of improving. people are still broken. i may be okay, but that doesn't make it okay for me to ignore the plight of the world around me.

if i ever win the lottery, i hope it doesn't change who i am. i hope i don't become selfish and clueless to the world around me. i hope i don't lose touch. i hope that all the words i've ever let fly out of my mouth don't suddenly drop to the floor, deflated and meaningless.