america's first first dude

i don't wanna run for president. that's not for me. i'm not the dude for that job and that's not the job for this dude.

what i wouldn't mind is being married to the president. if i had a wife, and she ran for president and won, i could be the first dude and i think i'd make an awesome first dude.

while the wife is at it making important decisions, i'll be out back barbecuing with jon stewart and bruce willis. what's that? you have world leaders over? ask them how they like their burgers. do they want a beer? we only have american, after all, this is the backyard of the white house.

i'll use my clout to get me all sorts of perks... stuff like sky boxes at sporting events, front row seats at concerts, and free tattoos from the best artists. i'll drive a lap at a nascar race, shoot a 3 pointer at halftime, and call a play for an nfl coach.

i'll have wicked parties at the white house. there'll be keggers and all nighters with politicians, celebrities, and world leaders. in fact i'll be the best part of the trip for visiting world leaders. they'll rush through their meetings and ask if josh is around. and of course i am cuz i never miss an opportunity to throw a few back with well respected members of the global community. i'll invite them to come hang and send them on their way with a nice head buzz and a glimmering impression of america. some will call it slacking off or doing nothing important... i like to think i'll be cultivating world peace.

i'll tour schools all around the country and bring the foo fighters with me. this isn't gonna be your usual boring assembly. eat healthier, exercise more, study hard, and rock out properly cuz that's the american way kids.

i'll do a track with jay-z. it'll be about how awesome america is. you'll hear it more than that song he wrote about new york.

i'll eat hot dogs and shoot fireworks on the 4th of july, give out x-box's for christmas, and publicly call off valentine's day.

i'll high five the queen of england. in fact, i'll high five everybody. that'll be my thing. if you're down with the first dude, give him a high five.

i'll take republicans and democrats and teach them how to play beer pong against each other. filibuster that. they'll be getting along and high fiving each other in no time.

there's a lot wrong with washington and politics in general in america. washington needs a dude to class things up a bit. i'll be that. america, i'm ready to be your first ever first dude.