bad mood

i'm in a bad mood.

i'm sick. i'm a miserable fucker when i'm sick.

i just dropped my air conditioner out my window. i was bringing it in for the cooler seasons, shit slipped and boom... that shit fell to the ground. guess it's a good thing i live on the first floor.

i'm frustrated with being a corporate tool. i feel like i contribute nothing good to the world through my work. yea i know, why don't i write a fucking emo song about it? tons of people have jobs that lack meaning, satisfaction, or anything at all that makes them feel semi-awesome about it at the end of the day.

i can't quit. who can quit? we can't quit our jobs. we're in no place to do so. there's bills to pay. debts to get out of. heads to keep afloat above water. it's a trap! the whole damn thing.

my girlfriend moved in (that doesn't add to the bad mood) and her cat won't get along with my cats (and vice versa). all they do is hiss at each other.

i don't know how i feel about my extra curricular activities as of late. i'm not sure i wanna be a stand up comedian anymore. sometimes i think i'm just wasting my time and that it doesn't fulfill me, that i'm really just doing it for attention and the long shot pipe dream that i become famous. but when it comes to heart, i think i might've lost it.

i wanna be a force for positivity. i hate writing something like this. but it's all i have on my mind. i hope that by getting this shit out of my head and out in the world somehow that maybe i'll feel relieved. maybe i'll feel like now that i've singled out some of the shit that's bothering me, i can start doing something about it.

i understand why people whine and bitch and complain and everyone needs to do it. but it's worth shit if you don't follow through with some action and try to change the shit that bothers you.

i wanna be a force for positivity and the only way to swim out of this swamp of negativity is to start dealing with some of this negative shit around me.

fuck being sick. it happens. it's nature. i'll recover. i can't let that damage my mood. it should just inspire me to sleep, exercise, stay hydrated, take vitamins, and whatnot.

the air conditioner is gone and never coming back. i'll have to get a new one but i don't need to worry about that till next summer. and in hindsight, it was pretty fucking cool to watch the air conditioner smash into the ground.

my job is a good job. i think i just had a bad day. and shit's been hectic at my job. there's been a lot of changes going on and i've been having a hard time rolling with it all. i need to adapt and get with it. the changes that have been made are not awful. i'm really just being a baby. i really just want my job to never ever change so i can always come in and blindly do my work without any snags or challenges. i'm not opening myself up to be challenged at work anymore. i need to get over that. ok, i may not be doing something important like feeding the homeless or something awesome like rocking a stage... but it's not that bad. it's not like i'm skinning animals or giving people tickets. i get to sit in a comfy office with free tea and coffee and a gym downstairs. i get to show up everyday in jeans and a t shirt cuz they're cool with the dress code. there's really no assholes at my job... i mean there's a couple of people who annoy me from time to time, but i don't think any of them are truly horrible people.

the cats have to get along eventually. it hasn't even been a week yet. her cat stays in the bedroom and my two cats stay in the living room. every now and then they cross paths, hiss, and run from each other. but this can't last forever. it's pretty similar to me being sick in that i should take comfort in knowing that it can't last forever.

i don't know what to do about the stand up. i think i need a break. i don't know what else to do? i like getting up in front of people and speaking my mind but i think i'm tired of putting more importance on being funny. i've compromised my message all for the sake of what i think is a great punchline. when you're funny and a crowd is laughing, there's just no fucking better feeling. and i still love that part of stand up. but when i factor everything else that comes with the stand up experience overall, i just haven't been feeling it lately.

i don't know what to do in its place. i got this blog for starters. maybe i can dive deeper into writing. i enjoy the freedom of writing, especially with my writing style. i really don't give a fuck about all the specific rules of grammar, i just try to communicate my message effectively without sounding like a total dumbass. and i hate capitalized letters (obviously... and ok, i don't hate capitalized letters, that'd be a silly thing to hate... i just like to stick it to the man and say, hey guess what, i ain't capitalizing shit cuz i don't have to! empowering stuff...)

so in closing, shit's not so bad. eventually i'll be unsick and feeling healthy. i'll open up to the changes at my job, deal with it, master the new shit, and wait for the next challenge. the cats will get along. i’ll have another air conditioner before next summer. and i'll stay busy writing on the side.

ever since i quit drinking, my blog production has increased severely. i feel very awesome about how much i've written about since about the end of july. i've just been tearing it up like i never had before. i aspire to keep that up. it makes me happy, even if nobody's reading it.