a company (5k) man

yesterday i found myself running with the rest of the cubicle prisoners. we were branded by our employers with t-shirts made specifically for this momentous occasion. we ran (some walked, get out of my way walkers) through parts of central park and at the end was the promise of water, bananas, and another t-shirt with the branding of, 'j. p. morgan,' the corporation behind this event, or as they entitled it, corporate challenge.

as i made my way through, i couldn't help but notice that i was surrounded by my brethren and yet felt so alone. why was that? here i am, finally surrounded by thousands of people who i share two major aspects of my life with, working in cubicles and a love for running (or walking, get out of my way walkers). but this isn't what or who i run for. i don't run for or because of my job. i run for me. doesn't everyone else? why have we decided to come together under these conditions? why do we take something we love, throw ourselves under a shirt that strips away what makes us unique, and challenge ourselves only to let our employers' brand name shine on the other side of the finish line?

when did i become this guy? i don't want your shirt. i appreciate the employment but now i'm on my time and i'd like to wear a shirt that screams, "JOSH!!" at high decibels. why did i think this would be fun? was it the free shirt? was it for the bonding that i ended up not doing? much like every other run of my life, i lost myself in my ipod and ran to my own handpicked soundtrack. that's where i wanna be when i run, lost in the middle of my own musical universe.

i don't need anyone else to run. i don't need companions, buddies, opponents, coworkers, or people that work in other office environments. this is about me and i'm selfish and demand all of it to myself. i'm not willing to share the glory. there is no team, there is only me. there are no trophies, no records, no fans in the bleachers. there is only me and my feet and the distance between then and now.

hockey hair

finally got around to seeing the movie, 'slap shot,' thanks of course to netflix. i just hopped on the netflix wagon a few weeks ago and so far it's been awesome. i think that's largely due to me being the king of, 'i haven't seen that movie.' this is a good chance for me to try to get caught up with any movie my peers shamed me for not seeing over the years. so far, anytime i scroll through my choices, there's definitely more stuff i haven't seen than have. 'slap shot,' was a lot like, 'major league,' in that i enjoyed, 'major league,' more than watching baseball and i enjoyed, 'slap shot,' more than most hockey games i've ever watched (to be fair, i haven't watched a bunch of them). i have seen a few exciting hockey games in my life, but for the most part i have a hard time keeping my interest peaked for the average hockey game. it also provides me with a new answer to the question, 'who is your favorite hockey player?' to which my answer from now on will be, the hanson brothers, duh.

i've been so reluctant to get netflix over the years because i feared it would kill my productivity. and yea, i probably could've done something better with my time today than sit around and watch a movie... but i can't beat myself up too much for slacking off. i've kept myself busy lately and i'm kinda tired. i think i needed a little time to slack off by myself. besides, i'm having financial issues. i don't have a debit card at the moment (reference my previous post for an explanation as to why), and the atm card my bank gave me doesn't work and i can't inquire about it till tomorrow. so i have no cash on me at the moment. i'm experiencing what it's like to be broke even though i'm not broke. so leaving the house was futile. there's not much i could do without spending a little cash.

i do cohost an open mic tonight at the wild rover in guttenberg so that'll be my getting out of the house excursion. luckily it's close to home and i can pay my tab another day so cash won't be absolutely necessary. and it's a win/win because i get to keep my stand up muscles warm for another day.

i cut my hair today. i think it makes my beard look more fierce... like it suddenly seems to stick out more now that my hair's short and it doesn't blend in to it. at first i was a little on edge about how i looked and a part of me was seriously contemplating shaving the beard. but i think i got used to it over these past few hours and i think the beard will live on until further notice.

stuff about today

i have a cough. but just a cough, nothing else. no runny nose.no watery eyes. the cough is the only symptom i have. it's odd cuz when i get sick, it's usually more than that. i don't know if i should be grateful that i'm only sorta sick or if i should be miserable cuz sick is sick regardless. cuz being sick usually makes me miserable. it brings out the baby in me. but in a way, it also helps me appreciate life more... not life at the moment, but life when i'm not sick. when i'm feeling good, life's okay and having a persistent cough reminds me of that and leaves me impatient for the next time i'll wake up, "feeling good."

my bank cancelled my debit/credit card on me yesterday. i found out because my card declined at the vending machine at work. my bank called me  two hours after that to inform me that my information was included in some kinda fraud situation and they had to cancel my card immediately. and while i'm glad that my bank took swift action so that i wouldn't find myself a victim (it was precautionary. nothing was ever charged to my account), i'm a little unimpressed with their game plan after they cancelled my card. i won't get a new one for another 7-10 business days.

so this morning i wake up to find out my phone's been shut off because i have my account on an auto pay system that's connected to the card my bank cancelled on me yesterday. not wanting to get stuck not having a phone until my next debit card arrives, i decided to go to my local bank and get an atm card so i can withdraw cash and a visa gift card so i can pay for things online. i used said gift card to pay for my cell phone online but that declined at first. i had to call customer service to get it resolved which didn't take long, but still, the whole thing's been sorta annoying.

i was late to work as a result but that didn't matter because my job's a mess as of late and it's like no one even notices when i'm not around. i have to go out of my way to tell superiors i was late today. and it's not like i was trying to get one over on them. it's just that my phone was disconnected. i actually had no way to get in touch with them. so i just strolled in ten minutes after i was supposed to be there.

i'm sure there was some kinda karma in play though because eventually one of my "favorite" managers gave me a project at 5pm. i leave at 6:30pm. it's friday. at 5pm the office has pretty much gone on full slacker mode and here i was working on a project harder than i've been working on anything all week. i'm not mad that i have to work. i'm just mad that i'm stuck doing a project that probably could've been handed to me two days ago to give me more time. but whatever... i didn't finish it. i have to finish it monday. and i hate that... i hate walking away knowing i left something unfinished, but i had no choice. so i told myself that i can't leave work thinking about it all weekend. i gotta walk out the door and completely forget about the place.

lucky for me, i was on my way to tell jokes at a cafe in hoboken. stand up is a great distraction. i have to focus so much on what i'm gonna say, how i'm gonna say it, and so on and so forth. gotta have a solid plan before attacking a stage. just one of the many benefits of stand up comedy. semi-awesome thing happened during my set... i started talking about god in a not so flattering way, and the door of the cafe was open and suddenly you could hear the rain start coming down waaaaaay harder. if there's a man upstairs, he was heckling me. if that's the case, i guess that's sorta okay... it's a sign on a sense of humor. it's hard enough for me to believe in a god at all... i don't wanna think of the possibility of a grand creator of everything that doesn't have a sense of humor.

a running relapse

a couple weeks ago i quit running. not forever, but i was going to take a break. it was for all the wrong reasons and in hindsight it all seems stupid. but caught up in that moment, it made perfect sense. anyone who knows me at least semi-well knows that i'm a runner. i run frequently and i enjoy it. and yet, i had suddenly found myself in an odd mood that was a departure from the usual run-lovin' josh.

i got caught up in body image. i started running about six years ago, and about six months in, i'd started to hear people tell me i was looking skinny. sometimes people would tell me i was too skinny. i've even been called sickly a few times. i never let it get to me, ever. i always figured if i felt great and i felt healthy, then who cares about how others outside of this body perceived me?

but over the years i suppose it got to me. here i was spending a lot of time in gyms, surrounded by dudes with a lot more muscle mass than myself, wondering to myself that maybe i am supposed to look more like them. maybe i'm doing this wrong. maybe i'm running too much. and once i had collected enough self doubt to bury myself under, i quit running.

i was only gonna take a short break. i figured i'd quit for a bit but still keep up with my other exercise routines and the muscle mass would fly on. i'd look bigger and meaner and people would take notice and then i'd go back to running. then i'd be okay.

but as a few days of the new routine passed, i began to feel silly. i missed running. i missed what it was for me. every run was a test of my own inner strength. every run was a chance to drop everything and get away and come back stronger. every run was a chance to be in my own perfect solitude. even though i was still exercising, i still left lazy and incomplete... which is pretty much exactly how i felt the first time i lifted myself off my couch and went for my first run six years ago.

i'm a runner. i want to run until i die or at least until the point where my body won't allow it anymore. i hope i never find myself in this situation again because i felt utterly compromised by the world outside of me. it's my fault for not being strong enough to fight off the noise, but once i caved in, i felt like a hack, a sellout, a quitter. i don't run for anyone else. i do this for me. that's the way it's been since day one, that first day when i came back from a run out of breath and drenched in sweat and all i could think was, 'i can't wait to do this again tomorrow.'

i don't know if i'm running too much. i don't know if there's a such thing. maybe i am supposed to have more muscle mass. what i learned over the course of a couple weeks is that a lot of that stuff doesn't matter to me. i dove into a trove of internet articles. all i found were articles that supported all sides of any debate. if my research proved anything, it's that nobody seems to know for sure what's right when it comes to a fitness routine or a diet plan. but i do know this, i feel better as a runner. it makes me feel like a better and healthier person. it brings me a sense of satisfaction that i can't get anywhere else. that's all the science i need.

what's with all the facebook invites, josh?

every now and again i get a friend who keeps it real with me and tells me that i send out too many event invites on facebook. i've even had a person or two tell me that it's annoying. and hey, i get it. they manifest on your end as just another pesky notification for something that you're not interested in. it's basically spam to you. you don't use the word, "spam," but that's what you mean. if you had a junk folder, you'd forward it to that.

here's the thing... i'm a dude who likes to tell jokes on microphones in front of people. the more people the better. and that's where the invites come in. i really want as many people as possible to come out and be a part of the audience. i'm sure all other musicians and artists feel the same way. we're not trying to annoy you. we really wanna see your face in the crowd. if there's no crowd, then there's no art form. i'm also highly unfamous so it's not like i got representation or publicity of any sort. facebook's all i got. it's cheap and easy.

and yes, i click on everyone when i send out the invites. why? why can't i at least not include out of towners? because it's so much easier for me to blindly click on everyone's name then it is to sit and think about every single person for a moment. so yes, friends from california, you will from time to time receive an invite for a show in the depths of jersey that i don't expect you to fly in for. all i really expect from you is that you politely ignore the invite on facebook and move on (in my defense, i do sometimes try to seed out the out-of-towners but my method's not perfect).

and you're my friend right? that's the reason we're connected on facebook. or that's supposed to be anyways. if we're not really friends, and my constant invites annoy you, then maybe you should stop with the sham and unfriend me. go ahead. i dare you. facebook became this thing where we accept this connection with people we don't really care about and then get all annoyed when they use this connection to reach out to us. that's really more of a 'you' issue. unfriend or quit your bitching.

also, notifications. i know, some of, if not most of, you have your cellphone notify you of a notification the moment it drops. let me tell you what i do. my cell phone doesn't notify me of facebook updates. why? because i chose to turn that shit off. i'm not a slave to facebook. i utilize it often, but i go to facebook on my time. i'm not willing to jump on facebook every single time my phone tells me there's yet another update. free yourself from those social networking chains that bind you. if my invites annoy you for this reason, then i choose to see myself as a freedom fighter trying to set you free. i'm doing this for you.

i don't expect all of you to come see me perform live. i dropped those sorta lofty expectations some time ago. you think receiving my invites are annoying? let me tell you what annoying is. annoying is performing all these comedy shows in odd venues like bars and basements and not seeing any of your friends come out to support. annoying is going home after a questionable set wondering why no one comes out to support you only to hear someone say, 'ugh, facebook invites are so annoying.' i don't expect you to come out to my shows. i just expect you to not be such a whiny snot every time i invite you to one.

i hope i don't get fired for this post

let's say there was this company that you worked for. and you've been there for years. you've worked in a 4 person dept and the lineup hasn't changed in years... at least 5 or 6. and then one day you walk into work to find out that they're getting rid of 2 people, including your boss, because they have to make cutbacks. you still have a job. should you have gratitude?

i imagine you'd find it increasingly harder to take your job serious. i mean, you can bust your ass all you want, but if cutbacks need to be made again, it's obvious all that hard work doesn't mean much. you could be out just as soon as those other 2 who were just here a minute ago. and now you gotta answer to your old boss's manager and pretend that you really wanna fill in the gaps that will now be missing with 2 men down. but you really don't, right? why would you? succeeding in doing that will only make it look like they were justified in laying off your former teammates and you know for sure they weren't.

and then you'll think about your ex-coworkers. what it's like to be them right now. jobless. you hope they're okay. and then you feel bad. you like these 2 people and you don't wanna think about them in a struggle. and you're now at your job which is the same place that is responsible for putting those 2 people in a shitty position in the first place. and it's gonna be assumed that you'll just smile and move on and try real hard from here on out to be the best employee you can be. but it all feels like bullshit.

you'll deal with vendors and coworkers from other dept's who really don't care all that much that your buddies are gone. that you like them as human beings. that you miss them being there. they'll demand of you whatever it is they demanded of the whole dept a week and a half ago before this all happened. and you'll wanna scream and throw stuff at walls. and a part of you will think that's a good plan, cuz fuck this place, right?

because seriously, fuck this place. this place has just proven that your loyalty and hard work might end in a box to carry your personal belongings to your car. you're pissed. you'll walk into the office everyday waiting for upper management to admit they made a mistake, turn back time, and bring it back to how it was when you still sorta liked your job. they'll want you to forgive them. yea, any day now.

and you like security and comfort. and your job provides both of those for the moment. and you know that if you do something too crazy, it might be the end of all that. and as much as you wanna be the badass who doesn't give a fuck anymore, you can't help but just give a bit of a fuck. and you don't know why because fuck these people, right? and you'll feel like a bit of a sellout. you're trading in your time to come to a place that no longer meets your standards.

i'm glad i like music

i'm glad i like music. i don't know if that sounds stupid. it probably did to me yesterday. but today, today everything changed. today i  had an encounter with a dude who says he doesn't like music anymore. he's an older dude who overheard me and a coworker going back and forth about bands we like. and as soon as that coworker walked away, he grabbed my attention and said, "y'know josh, i just don't like music that much anymore. i used to. but now i don't." he then went on to explain himself, but it wasn't much of an explanation, just reinforcement of his original statement.

i hope i always like music. i can't imagine not liking it. i can't imagine a day i not only don't listen to music, but also a day where i could possibly listen to music and not enjoy the ever loving everything out of it. i don't wanna try to psychoanalyze here... but if you don't like music, at all, something's gotta be screwy with your soul (or whatever you wanna call that inner part of us you can't explain). or maybe it's extremely mathematical and has nothing to do with a soul. either way, something's wrong somewhere. it just doesn't seem natural to me not to like music.

and that helped me to realize that liking music is good enough. some people want to be scientists about music and get into the innards of it and memorize names and notes and that's all well and good, but you don't need to be a know-it-all to enjoy. don't get me wrong, you can be a know-it-all and enjoy it. if that's your thing, knock yourself out. but it's not necessary. i'm not sure what is necessary actually. i don't think there's anyway to truly explain it. it's like it defines itself. liking music is all you need to be able to do to like music. and up until a certain point today, i just assumed it was easy to do and everyone had it in them. but maybe i assumed wrong, maybe they don't. or maybe they do and they just lose touch with it.

either way, i'm glad i like music.