battle cry

all i wanna hear are battle cries. i'm at a phase of my life where the last thing i need are slow songs or love songs or anything that inspires a mood of gentleness and reflection. i don't wanna chill out. i don't need anyone telling me to, "just be cool." right now, all i wanna do is make some noise. i wanna shake stuff, not just stuff, i wanna shake everything. i wanna shake the world. i want people everywhere to lose their balance and fall only to get back up and start doing some shaking of their own.

i don't wanna meditate. i don't wanna learn yoga poses. i don't wanna hear what they have to say. fuck that. i wanna yell. i wanna move. i wanna run. i wanna run like the barbarians coming to tear down your walls. you know you can't keep them out forever. they're loud and ferocious and i wanna run with the pack. i wanna raise my fist and scream to the skies. i wanna break down every wall and barrier i encounter.

i wanna read words that punch faces. i wanna see things that need no explaining. explosions can't be reasoned with. they go boom and things get scorched. it all makes sense. who has time for plot twists and trick endings that leave you wondering if you understand what you just saw? everyone understands explosions.

this by no means is a call to violence. this is a call to action. a call to myself and anyone else who feels like trying hard to not rock the boat is a really bad role to play right now. in all you say and do, be loud. be heard. be passionate. let the bombs go off in the night. let the explosions light up the sky. let the colors be frenzy and spirit.

you and me, we're alive. let our hearts beat loudly. let no one silence what we know we can't control. let the urges of that which is awesome and beautiful in our souls drive us to scream primal, run eternal, and never surrender. the time for diplomacy and settling for less is over. things are changing. the time for battle is near. for now, it's the time of the battle cry.

conflicted (i want you dead)

you are quite possibly the worst person on earth. i can't stand anything about you right now. there's nothing about you that anyone can possibly respect. when you go out in public, people should spit on you and throw stones. people should line up for a chance to ball up a fist and take a shot right at your stupid face. there's nothing about you that i want to protect. i want you to think about the things you've done in your life and live in a constant state of fear, nervousness and anxiety. i want you to feel threatened constantly. i want you to be worried about every corner you turn and every person you meet. i want you to believe with the faith of a saint that everything is NOT going to be alright, that this will all end badly.

deep down inside, there is a part of me that burns, that part of me that wants to see you suffer. i want you to know pain. i want to see you beg for your own death. but not because you think you deserve to die, we already know you do. i want your soul to cry out for a death that is the only form of relief from the hell that is your life.

and yet, i can't let this happen. i'm unable to allow myself to let you nosedive into failure, danger, and destruction. everyday i wake up and i  look at you and i know that i have to give this my best. i have to stand tall and proclaim to a world that craves to watch you bleed, 'you can't have him. over my dead body.' in the end, i'll wear the villain's mask and put in my best performance. i'll give this my all. although you sicken me, i'm determined and inspired to make this work.

i have no choice. i'm your lawyer.

henry rollins vs. those 'free hugs' people

obviously this is a bout that henry rollins wins in a landslide.

i've been reading henry rollins lately... 'the portable henry rollins,' to be exact. and he's so angry and raw and has such an outlook on things and i find it hard to put it into words... which is good. cuz who wants to be easily classified? not henry rollins, that's for sure. the reoccurring feeling i get as i read through the pages is alienation. and he does such a great job of expressing alienation that it's beautiful to me in it's own very dark, twisted way.

i wanna say i'd like to give henry rollins a hug. but that motherfucker doesn't want a hug. hugs are weak. fuck hugs. anyone who needs a hug needs to reevaluate their own self worth. he talks about being alone a lot... wanting to be alone... not complaining about it. he's the anti-everything else. everyone else is feeling bad for themselves and singing 'creep' by radiohead and longing for some romantic partnership to fill the void that they're guilty of creating in themselves.

then there's the 'free hugs' people. you know who i'm talking about, right? you see them at concerts and in other places where tons of people gather. they stand around with signs raised high in the air that say, 'free hugs.' they want to hug you and even more, they want you to feel free to go up and hug them. and it's a nice gesture... i guess. cuz the world can be such a cold, hateful place.. wouldn't it be nice to see more hugs in the world?

but i think rollins is fighting the same thing that the 'free hugs' people are. he also realizes the world is a cold and hateful place. but rollins seems to be more about adapting to it, toughening up and dealing with it. don't let the world bring you down into the muck. if you do, it's your own fault.

if i had my choice and it was a choice of only two extremes... a world where everyone's tougher and deals with the bullshit of this world in an appropriate manner, or a world where we all hugged each other all the time, i think i'd take the former. i don't wanna wake up everyday and feel the pressure to be constantly hugging and embracing everybody. sometimes i just want to be left the fuck alone. and if that means i have to swim hard through the ocean of bullshit to do it, then so be it. cuz i can't subject myself to a life of constant hugging.

that's just me. and i'm pretty sure either way that if henry rollins read this, he'd probably be like, 'who's this josh dude? i wanna break his fucking face.' and if that was his natural reaction, i suppose i wouldn't want it any other way.

a break up letter from the president

(preface:

i'd like to mention now that this in no way is about president obama. it's not a satirical piece or anything clever like that. it's just some silly concept i happened to come up with towards the tail end of president obama's first term.

now on with the silliness. enjoy. or don't. just don't have a stick up your butt and think i'm making a political statement. thanks.)


dear america,

i have decided that i will not be running for reelection at the conclusion of my first term as president of the united states of america. it's not that i don't think i'm the man for the job anymore. i still believe i'm qualified, and probably the most qualified, for the job. but you've broken my heart over these past four years america. i can't stand to subject myself to the heartache any longer.

i wish i could say, "it's not you, it's me." but that would be a lie. i have dedicated everything  i have, and then some, to serve you as best as i could. the sacrifices a person must make to be efficient in this position are numerous. i never knew how much i had to give until i learned how to dig down and give more than i thought i ever had.

i haven't had a good night's sleep in years. i become envious, saddened, and a little enraged when i think of the millions of americans who may be fortunate enough to follow a proper and healthy sleeping schedule, all so they can wake up with enough energy to express their disapproval of my job. america, we've had our low points in this relationship, but it's not all bad. why can't you enjoy the good things? i see that you enjoy flat screen tv's and high speed internet and water that's clean enough to not kill you like it does in other parts of the world. it hasn't all fallen apart. why can't you give me some credit? i'm doing the best i can.

and that's just it. i've given you my best, my all and what do i get in return? i've received death threats and even worse, death threats against my wife and children... even against the white house cat, roosevelt. no one has taken my life, but they've tried. i wake up on a semi regular basis to briefings and detailed reports of foiled assassination plots. it's like a hollywood movie, except i'm the president and this is real life and the existence that people want to end is all my own.

if you'd tell me you loved me every once in a while, showed a little appreciation and compassion, perhaps i'd reconsider. but i feel like we've come too far and there's no turning back. you've shown your true colors. you're cruel and mean spirited.

and as bad as you are to me, i will still love you america. but i must move on. i'm ready to be on my own. i look forward to it. i'm going to go back home and hang out with some friends, drink some beers, shoot some pool, watch some espn. i'm going to bring my kids to an amusement park with big roller coasters and overpriced concessions. i'm going to take a nap on a hammock in my backyard. i'm going to practice the art of lazy sundays till it makes me sick.

and when i'm ready america, i'll come back to you. but in a different role i'm afraid. i won't have the commitment to be your president anymore. but i'll participate in the speech circuit and you can pay money to come see me speak. it'll be glorious. i'll say intelligent things that you paid to hear and when it's all said and done, you'll applaud me. and i'll go home and not worry about calls on red phones at 3am or a soaring unemployment rate. i won't have to because you'll have moved on to someone else. i don't know who yet, but i can assure you, you'll find another president. and you might even like him (or her) better than you ever liked me. just be gentle america. they're giving you their best.

with a heavy heart,

your soon to be ex-president

it all meant something or nothing

i was gonna shave my head and leave a mohawk for the mud run i took part in today. i was gonna do something crazy to commemorate the moment cuz i'm proud. i'm proud i did something that's tough, physical, and exercise-ish for recreation. it's an official landmark for me. even though i've been running now for a few years, i never competed in anything official-ish. and i never did anything that left me tired, scarred, and extremely muddy.

the mud run was this big thing for me. it was this form of self validation i saw in the horizon and every day it got closer and closer till today it was here. i have been doing all this running and exercising for the past few years, trying to live a healthier lifestyle, and finally i would do something that officially proves there was some kinda payoff. without the exercise, the running, the effort, the pain...i would've never been able to do what i did today.

but i'm glad i decided against the mohawk. cuz the mud run's over now and here i am, same as before, except for the scars, bruises and bumps. life goes on. it always does. and as extraordinary as this moment felt for me, and as important as i made it to myself, i realize that in the long run, today is just another day like any other day. no mohawk or crazy action of any kind could ever freeze the moment and make it last forever. this weekend will end like all the rest. monday it's back to the grind. i'll be office worker bee josh, as if the mud run never happened at all.

as big a deal as anything can be, life will always move on. the moments are epic and should be enjoyed. and while you're at it, take a picture and put it up on facebook. but then after that it's time to think of what's next. that's life. one thing to the next thing to the next thing... never a moment to slow down. always plot out the next step.

for me, i suppose i'll do another mud run again somewhere down the line. this will just be the first of many hopefully. in the immediate future, i'm thinking of waking up tomorrow and going for a good, lengthy run. i'll do as i've been doing. i'll do the same things that helped lead me to completing a 5k mud run obstacle course today.

life just keeps moving. on thursday i was at a wake. she was 23 and now she's gone. i couldn't help but keep thinking how 23 is way too young to die. it just seemed unfair and a total robbery. but what can i do? what can anyone do? we can't freeze time. despite our best efforts, we can't turn the clock back and make it not happen. this may be the most tragic thing about us. we all have this brain to do all this big thinking, but we'll never erase the biggest thing of all... time... it just keeps moving. as broken up as i am about a friend passing away at age 23, i had to realize that life just keeps going.

just like the tragic theater massacre that happened thursday night in colorado.... it's an awful thing and when i see it on tv, i wanna make it go away. i wanna undo it. i wanna close the program without saving and open it up and start again. but that's not an option. we have to keep moving forward. it's our moral obligation to ourselves to not let ourselves get stuck and to deny ourselves of forward progress.

i haven't blogged in a few days. i've had a heavy heart and a heavy mind. i didn't know what to type to make me feel right about anything. i was guilty of being stuck. there have even been certain moments in the past 2-3 days where i've thought to myself, 'i sorta don't want to do this mud run anymore,' cuz i was just bummed about life in general.

and this isn't to say i'm not sad anymore for the tragic things that happened and will continue to happen. but that's never an excuse to lie in a corner and refuse to participate in life. this whole charade's gonna keep moving forward. you can sit on the sidelines and let everyone else play the game. but in the end all you'll be is a spectator. you may have a uniform and a vested interest, but if you're not on the field crying, sweating, and bleeding, then you're not playing at all.

everybody has their own opinion.....

i've come to this immense paradox in life.... i understand that everyone has their own opinion. i get it. and most times you can't change people's opinions... oh sure, it happens, but in the course of the average day i think anyone anywhere changing their opinion on a topic is the exception, not the rule.

and i have my own idea of what right and wrong is. so anyone who does wrong qualifies that person as being wrong. and that bothers me cuz i don't like to see people do wrong. but then again, these are things you can't ever totally eliminate from society. as long as we exist, people will be out there doing the wrong thing.

and for all i know, i'm doing the wrong thing(s). i know i have already. i've learned in life and changed my views based on me doing shit i thought was right then coming to a realization that what i just did was wrong and i should never do said wrong thing again.

so now i'm wrong... even in my own eyes... but i've learned so at what point can i be right again?

and so it goes... i'm just one confused person on this issue... i can't imagine the whole rest of the world... everyone trying to sort out their own moral dilemmas and at the same time measuring up everyone else by their own standards.

at what point can you force your standards on to others? murder, rape, racism... those things are wrong... i know that.. but people do that. at what point can i get on a soapbox and say, 'hey, don't do that.'

and for all the minor things we can disagree on... at what point are we allowed to tell each other what to think and do? at what point is telling other people how to think also the wrong thing to do? you can't just force your views onto other people... that's fascist in principle. 

and even though you know others may be wrong, is it ever right to condemn someone for thinking wrongly? shouldn't we be more open to forgiving one another and helping each other grow? 

but we're all offended by something... we all have our limits. 

i don't know how to wrap this up. i guess my best conclusion at this point is that all anyone can do is try to do right by them and hope that they keep doing right... and hope that's good enough. hopefully the fruits of our actions will be more than enough to help spread what's right and help replace what's wrong.

maybe the right thing for everyone to do is shut up and let our actions do the talking. but how do i communicate that to anyone without being rude?

aunt mary's punk rock song

i recently just got back from visiting my dad's family in the buffalo, ny area. my dad has a sister, my aunt mary, who's pretty cool. at first glance, she probably seems boring or square or unhip i guess.... she's an older, graying woman who likes to sew (or knit or crochet or one of those artsy things....). and she's quite possibly the most polite person on the planet. so why a punk rock song? she's no punk rocker in the classical sense, but then again to define punk rock is to defeat punk rock... so she'd say things here or there like, "we're gonna go do this ('this' being any of the number of family activities we tried to organize that seemed to divide the family) and if the rest of the family doesn't wanna join us, then that's just fine with us, we're gonna go do it anyways." and in its purity, i find that to be a pretty punk rock attitude.

so i figured i'd throw a few lines together and call it 'aunt mary's punk rock song.' it's not really meant to be a song or punk rock... it's just me trying to explain her punk rockness in amateurishly poetic fashion. 


she's growing old, living on her own.
somewhere on the outskirts of buffalo.
she's gonna do what she wants,
she doesn't hold back.
but she'll invite you to come along
cuz polite people kick ass.
she's straight edge to the core
she doesn't need beer.
she's got a timeshare in hawaii,
goes there every two years.
she's gonna hike along the river
in a funny looking hat.
it blocks out the sun,
you can't fuck with that.

she's got a cooler full of water
as we're driving to the falls.
we walked ourselves exhausted,
she was the last one standing tall.
the rest of the family
is afraid of new york city.
but she once came to visit.
the others are still scared silly.

she's got the underground music
that you never heard before.
it's a musical about menopause,
menopausal hardcore.
she seems misunderstood
as she yells at my dad.
he's giving her a hard time,
she's giving it right back.
you can judge aunt mary,
but you should judge yourself.
cuz she's playing from the heart
while your heart is somewhere else.