josh's "how-to get over chicks" guide

this is my how-to guide on how to get over chicks. you know, the ones you date, then find yourself single but still thinking about them all the time. fuck that shit! i have the cure!

before i start though, i'd like to mention that there's one fool proof way that's even better than my "how-to" guide. it's the ol' cliche, "the only way to get over someone old is to get under someone new."

it's true, try it. guaranteed.

ok, here goes.

what you gotta do is make a list of all the con's about the ex girlfriend. ladies, you can do the same thing, just y'know, make it about the ex boyfriend (or x girlfriend or whatever you're into).

so yeah, think of all the awful shit about them that makes them suck as a human being. the best part is everyone has a little suck in them, so this method applies to ALL people.

if you still need help, i've gone ahead and made an example list of my own. this list is generic and not about anyone specific, i swear. and if you don't agree, then you're vain, or your self esteem sucks, or you know someone that actually qualifies for all the shit on this list.

1- she's fat
2- she's ugly
3- her mom's a bitch
4- she has no car
5- she smells
6- she's boring
7- she sucks in bed
8- she's a slut
9- she's conceited
10- she's snotty
11- she's a snob
12- she's too sassy
13- she's mean
14- she's really mean
15- she's a mean, cruel bitch
16- she has a child
17- her child sucks
18- her child's my age
19- she has two children
20- she has two children with two baby dadies.
21- she's poor
22- she's rude
23- she's stupid
24- she has bad taste in everything
25- I MEAN EVERYTHING!!!
26- she talks during movies
27- she unabashedly farts in public
28- she beats me
29- her friends suck
30- she makes you hang out with them constantly
31- she thinks you're dumb, but really, you're smarter than she is
32- she belittles you in public constantly
33- she's always right
34- she's condescending
35- she doesn't listen
36- her cooking sucks
37- she only stays with you until she finds someone better
38- she hates everything you think is awesome
39- she doesn't eat meat
40- she's a buzkill
41- she dominates the tv
42- she buys you awful clothes you hate
43- she forgets your birthday
44- she forgets your birthday and comes home drunk after a night of partying with her ex boyfriend who she's suddenly best friends with
45- she wants to fuck your friends
46- she likes nascar
47- she never shuts up
48- she doesn't know what she's talking about
49- she's a liar
50- she's a kleptomaniac
51- she's a pyromaniac
52- she's a schizophrenic, multiple personality havin, bipolar disaster
53- she loves drugs, the harder the better
54- you ruin everything and are the root cause for all things bad
55- she hates your friends
56- but really only because your friends are more awesome than hers
57- she's hairy
58- she thinks she's such a great singer
59- she's an awful singer
60- she mentioned threesome that one time, but she meant with another dude, not another chick
61- she kisses like a hose beast
62- she does a lot of things like a hose beast
63- you suspect she's more hose beast than human
64- she's constantly nagging or complaining
65- she doesn't know how to smile
66- and she really hates to see you smile
67- she snores
68- loud
69- she hates beer
70- she hates beef jerky
71- she hates greasy food
72- she hates sports



see! easy stuff! who wouldn't be over her after all that!

now get out there and get over that ex.

PUKING KERMIT!!!!

Conan O'Brien had some awesome characters throughout his time at Late Night. But my favorite by far was Puking Kermit!!!

I changed it to my default pic on myspace until I get sick of it. Might be a while.

obama and marbury (no relation, of course)...........

obama's speech yesterday was pretty impressive. something about hearing that dude talk... it sorta makes me wanna be a better person. (i know, some of you can't believe i could possibly get any better than i already am... but i'm sure it's possible if i tried). but he's also fucking cool. and i don't know what to think about that. he's the president, and when i see him in action, i get the thought, "damn, i wanna be cool like that." i never really admired or aspired for the personality of a president before.

but who knows if this stimulus package is the right thing to do? nobody knows.. we won't know for some time... .gotta see it in action i suppose. i know some people stand against it, and there's good reasons to stand against it. but at the same time, what else can be done? the economic problems couldn't be ignored, that's for certain. and i think any and all ideas the gov't would apply to this problem would face heavy scrutiny. and it should! it's refreshing to know there is healthy debate about all of this. it's more refreshing and more hopeful than anything that resulted in the political slumber of the previous 8 years.

so i think the dude's bringing 'hope,' as promised. 'hope's' just not guaranteed to work. but it's a start.......

less serious stuff:

the knicks negotiated some sorta buyout with disgruntled player, Stephon Marbury. For those who are unfamiliar, Marbury was not playing for the Knicks anymore, but he was on the roster. They never gave specific reasons as to why he wasn't playing.... excuses ranged from, "Stephon's not happy," to, "he doesn't work with the new system (the Knicks just hired a new coach prior to the start of this season)." so there was this back and forth about whether they should buy him out and let him be a free agent, try to trade him, or let him rot for the rest of the season. they bought him out and now he's a free agent.

sooooo, the team with the supposed most interest in Marbury is the Boston Celtics. and if you know anything about the NBA this year, the Celtics are a likely pick to go all the way and win a championship this year. I would say there's 4 teams that have a valid chance (Cavs, Lakers, Spurs, and the Celtics). Of course, nothing's guaranteed and you never know when some other team will play the role of upset and surprise everybody (I'm looking at you New Orleans Hornets!!)

I digress.... Marbury will likely go from a team that surely doesn't have a realistic shot to go all the way, to a team that has a pretty good shot at it. He's done nothing for the Knicks this year and his reward is to possibly fill in as a bench player and collect a ring at the end of the year. If he becomes a Celtic, he's at least certain to experience a lot more playoff excitement than if he were a Knick.

so good job Knicks. I guess it's not your concern where he goes. but if he does for some reason collect a ring at the end of the year, i don't think there will be any lesson learned. he'll say he went to a better team that knew how to utilize his services, and in return he contributed to bringing them a championship. and all the celtics will agree, cuz they're all deep into that "team concept" stuff. Justice served?

i don't care about a-rod doing steroids

i think the press let this one get out of hand.

i don't think anyone cares anymore. i don't think anyone cared much in the first place.

ok, great, the yankee haters, and there's tons of them, just got new ammo to throw at the yankees. big fucking deal.

i don't care about steroids in sports. hopefully everyone that ever does steroids eventually feels the ill effects of it and gets what they supposedly deserve.

they're role models? big deal. the kids know steroids are bad. stop insulting the intelligence of the youth, even though their choice in music usually sucks.

i hope the yankees destroy everyone this season. i hope all season the yankees are kicking ass, stadium to stadium, getting boo'd and accused of cheating. i hope the yankees of '09 are the most badass team in all of baseball history.

and i hope a-rod gets that home run record too. and when he's inducted into the baseball hall of fame, which he will be in, i hope he gives a big "FUCK YOU" to the press.

me doing stand up at gotham comedy club in ny

i was in a new talent showcase at gotham comedy club this past saturday. this is the video of it.

2 notes before viewing:

the previous comic was picking on my mom and referred to her as a "white rugged bitch."

my stepfather heckled me from the crowd, don't know if it's audible what he said, but he yelled, "stop pissing your pants." i found out later that my mom had just told him some story of me peeing my pants when i was a kid.

so enjoy!

i kissed a girl, i liked-ed it

i was under the impression that in kate perry's smash hit "I Kissed a Girl," that the lyrics to the chorus went like this:

"i kissed a girl, i liked-ED it"

i've been thinking this shit since the FIRST time i heard it. i never thought anything of it, just assumed i was right.

so the other night i'm at the rover and this song comes on and i mockingly sing, "I KISSED A GIRL, I LIKED-ED IT!!"

and someone turns to me and says, "that's not how it goes."

a good drunken argument ensues.

at this point, there's still a part of me that thinks she sings "LIKED-ED IT," not, "liked."

but if i am wrong, i'm cool with it. and this is why. when i first heard this song, i was like, daaaaaaamn what a stupid song. the only thing that can possibly make this stupid song popular is a cheesy gimic like purposely singing "LIKED-ED IT." i was positive this is the only way that so many people could get fooled into liking this dumb, stupid, awful song.

so if i am wrong, apparently people are worse than i gave them credit for. i've basically been giving every arse who likes this song a pass cuz of the way i heard it. so if i'm wrong, you people suck.

PROOF I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT

this is a repost from myspace. i originally did it in two postings. my superbowl predictions, and the recap the next day. Enjoy.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

quick superbowl predictions -The Cardinals win. -someone besides Kurt Warner gets the MVP. -Bruce will play 3 songs: Born to Run The Rising Hungry Heart -John Madden will make a reference to food at some point during the game. -Geico will have 2 new commercials, one with the lizard and the other with the awesome stack of money with googly eyes. -there will at some point be some reference made to Brett Favre. There always is.

Monday, February 02, 2009

proof i don't know what i'm talking about Here's a quick recap of my predictions from yesterday: .. .. -The Cardinals win. (WRONG) -someone besides Kurt Warner gets the MVP. (CORRECT, BUT I ASSUMED IT'D BE A CARDINAL, NOT A STEELER, SO WROOOONG) -Bruce will play 3 songs: (HE PLAYED BORN TO RUN, I WAS WROOOOONG TWICE) Born to Run The Rising Hungry Heart -John Madden will make a reference to food at some point during the game. (I DIDN'T HEAR EVERYTHING MADDEN AND MICHEALS SAID, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE I'M WRONG AGAIN) -Geico will have 2 new commercials, one with the lizard and the other with the awesome stack of money with googly eyes. (PRETTY SURE I'M WRONG AGAIN. BUT THERE WERE OTHER LIZARDS OF COURSE, FUCKIN SOBE LIZARDS.) -there will at some point be some reference made to Brett Favre. There always is. (I DIDN'T HEAR ONE ALL NIGHT. WRONG)