welcome back baseball

welcome back? wait, didn't baseball season just end the other day? i don't get it. how can we welcome baseball season back with open arms if it won't give us a chance to miss it?

i don't like baseball. i find it extremely boring. sure, every so often something exciting will happen and i could consider myself dazzled. but i'm not willing to sit through 3-4 hours of spitting and crotch grabbing when i know that no more than ten awesome things will happen in one entire day of baseball, which espn will widdle down and present to me in a convenient countdown at least six times a day.

if i do tune into baseball, it's for one of two reasons. reason one is to see how long before the dudes on commentary are talking about something completely asinine. it usually takes 10, 15 minutes tops. cuz even they're bored and grasping for something... anything to make things more interesting.

the other reason is if i wanna take a nap. baseball knocks me right out. this is not a joke. some people fall asleep to whale sounds or the pitter-patter sound of rain... not me. there's not a case of insomnia baseball can't cure for me. and if i have a busy day ahead of me with a bunch of stuff to do, it's in my best interest to stay away from baseball viewing at all costs lest it casts its sleepy spell on me.

if you're a fan of baseball, that's cool with me. to each their own. i understand your unwavering fanaticism about it cuz apparently your grandpa's last words to you were, "it's america's past time." just don't expect me to hold up a conversation about it. cuz people try that shit with me all the time. friends, coworkers, family that doesn't know any better, that weird dude at the bus stop... they all just love to come up to me and try to talk my ear off about baseball. and i never have anything to say except, "i don't really watch it." and after many attempts to try and convey to other people that i'm not a fan, people will still try and continue on with whatever it was they were gonna say like it means anything to me at all.

in fact, the people that are the most guilty of this seems to be yankee fans. it's almost like, how dare i not be a yankee fan or at least somewhat knowledgeable about what's going on in yankee-land. y'know what? fuck yankee land. they force you to shave in yankee land. that's a bunch of bullshit. everything's overpriced and yankee fans are too drunk on their own stupid yankee pride to see what kinda ride they're being taken for. but whatever. they employed george constanza. so i guess it's not all evil.

if i was gonna choose a team to root for, i'd go with the toronto blue jays. cuz baseball is america's past time and they're from canada... which to me feels like i'd be rooting for the outcast and i love rooting for the outcast. plus, a blue jay is a beautiful fucking bird. it's a blue bird, man. you gotta see one. they're awesome! plus, canadians are swell people and i'm a fan of swell.

so go blue jays! just don't ask me anything specific about them. cuz i tried watching them once and i fell asleep.