just say what you're thinking

it's so hard to just say what you're thinking. hard for me, anyways. i've lived a good chunk of my life playing it safe and trying to offend the least amount of people as possible. i've tended to travel the road that had the highest probability of me coming out on the other end unscathed. most times if there was a thought in my head that i thought might offend, i've swallowed it and kept it to myself... figuring either no one is interested in what i got to say or even worse, someone will think negative of what it is i have to say.

the older i get, the less safe i play it, the more i find myself speaking my mind more openly. but the amount of time i speak my mind openly is still not sufficient for me. i still find myself in many situations where i hold on to my words cuz i don't wanna rock a boat that don't need rocking. it's not that i don't wanna say whatever it is that i'm thinking, i just don't wanna deal with the consequences. whenever i convince myself to not speak my mind, it's more a matter of convenience than anything else.

but  that makes me sad. i feel like i keep sacrificing the greater good and the bigger picture for measly moments. and i keep telling myself that i'm gonna stop acting like that. that i'm gonna say what's on my mind and that i'm gonna follow through on my own convictions. cuz if i think something is right in my own heart, then i'm only being my own worst enemy when i deny myself the opportunity to follow through on that. i may avoid awkward or negative moments... but the price i pay is my own self respect.

i know this for certain... it's harder to speak your mind. it's harder to be honest with yourself by being honest with everyone else around you. the more i speak my mind, the more i open up, the more i tell myself i don't give a fuck what people think about me or what i think or say, the more resistance i get. my mantra as of late has been, "i don't give a fuck what they think." repeat it three times and speak:

i don't give a fuck what they think.
i don't give a fuck what they think.
i don't give a fuck what they think.

but just the simple fact that i have to try and pump myself up let's me know that i have a long way to go. i wanna speak my mind like it's my natural instinct. i want to say what's on my mind like i have to use the bathroom. it comes out, nothing's stopping it, and when it's said and done, i feel like a better person for it. that's where i want to be. that's what i have my sights on.

but shit ain't easy. i'm sure i'll find myself being opened to more scrutiny and feedback and a lot of it will turn out to be negative. and that's a lot to face. it's tough to stay strong sometimes when it feels like the world is telling you that you're wrong even though you know in the deepest caverns of your heart that you're fucking right. it can be all so soul crushing.

just keep saying....


i don't give a fuck what they think.
i don't give a fuck what they think.
i don't give a fuck what they think.